RNC Trump's speech, Hulk Hogan, Kid Rock, and Melania's kiss dodge

WEBVTT

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Calaroga Shark media from Milwaukee, where
I think Trump is still speaking. This

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is ballad, that's right. I
watched Trump for half an hour, fell

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asleep for an hour, and he
was still going when I woke up.

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We have kid Rock, Hulk Hogan, and Milania doing her best to fake

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it. Probably not for the first
time. Am I right? Let's hit

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this well, folks. The Republican
National Convention has wrapped up and it was

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more star studded than a Hollywood red
carpet if Hollywood were casting for America's Got

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Maga talent. Hulk Hogan, the
man who made ripping shirts of national pastime,

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decided to bring his signature moves to
the political arena because nothing says serious

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politics like a seventy year old man
flexing his biceps and screaming, let trump

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Mania run wild. Brother Hogan,
who just last month couldn't decide who to

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vote for, apparently had a political
epiphany after seeing Trump's bloodied face. I

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guess in the wrestling world, nothing
says presidential material like taking a bullet and

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getting back up. And let's talk
about that outfit change. Hogan went from

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suit and tie to a Trump Vance
tank top faster than you can say what

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you're gonna do. When trump Mania
runs wild on you. It's like a

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political strip tease, but with more
red, white, and blue. Hogan

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called Trump and Vance the greatest tag
team of my life. Move over,

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Rockensack Connection, We've got a new
dynamic duo in town. And don't forget

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Hogan once said he'd make a great
VP because he has common sense. Well,

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buddy, In this political circus,
common sense is about as rare as

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a quiet moment at a monster truck
rally. Next, Kid Rock, the

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man who brought us such classics as
Bowit Daba and Cowboy, grace the stage

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with his presence, and let's just
say it was something. Imagine telling Republicans

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from two thousand and four that in
twenty years they'd be watching Hulk, Hogan

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and Kid Rock headline a convention for
Donald Trump. They'd probably think you were

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pitching a really bad movie script.
Kid Rock, looking like he just stepped

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out of a swap meet, or, as one clever observer noted like Joe

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Dirt's long lost brother, belted out
his American badass with lyrics tweaked to support

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Trump because nothing says presidential like a
middle aged rocker screaming fight fight at a

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bunch of septuagenarians. The performance was
met with reactions ranging from mortified to bewildered.

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One person compared it to Ingrid Andres's
drunk National Anthem performance. At least

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she had the excuse of being intoxicated. What's Kid rocks? And let's not

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forget his dramatic entrance announcement wearing an
NRA cap, because of course he was.

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He asked, are you scared well, Kid? After that performance?

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I think a lot of people might
be scared for the state of American politics.

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That is, even Malania Trump couldn't
keep a straight face during Kid Rocks.

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Uh, let's call it a performance
at the Republican National Convention. Our

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former first Lady, known for her
poker face that could rival Lady Gagas,

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apparently found Kid Rock's patriotic rock and
roll extravaganza too much to handle. She

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was caught on camera looking like she
was trying not to burst into laughter faster

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than you can say, be best. Kid Rock, Bless his Heart,

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was up there belting out his hit
American Badass, with lyrics tweaked for the

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occasion instead of Hey, Hey,
Hey, we got Trump, Trump Trump.

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It's like he's playing mad libs with
his own songs. And let's not

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forget the audience participation. Nothing says
serious political convention quite like a bunch of

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delegates chanting, fight, fight,
fight like they're at a schoolyard brawl.

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But the real star of the show, Malania, is barely contained amusement.

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It's gone more viral than a cat
video on a slow news day. I

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guess even she couldn't believe what she
was seeing. It's like watching the Queen

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try not to laugh at a whoopee
cushion during a royal ceremony. After days

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of playing hide and seek with the
media, Malania finally graced the RNC with

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her presence. She glided in like
a red clad vision to the tune of

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Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. No Less,
because nothing says I'm here quite like classical

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music in a power suit. Right. The delegates were more excited to see

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her than kids on Christmas morning.
Some were even tearing up. I guess

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in the world of politics, a
former First Lady sighting is as rare as

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a unicorn these days. But the
real question is what took her so long?

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The theories were flying faster than a
Trump tweetstorm. Was she processing the

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assassination attempt, mourning her mother,
trying to maximize time with Baron before he

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leaves for college, or maybe she
was just busy practicing her I'd rather be

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anywhere else face in the mirror.
Milania's supporters were quick to defend her absence.

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She's a wife and mother, first, they said, because nothing says

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supportive spouse quite like ghosting your husband's
biggest political moment. Right, and let's

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not forget the peace to resistance Malania's
reaction to Trump's retelling of the assassination attempt.

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While he dramatically recounted bullets flying,
she sat there still as a statue,

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with just a hint of a smile. It's like she was thinking,

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I signed up for first Lady,
not action movie heroin. Meanwhile, we've

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got another episode of the Trump kisscam
that's gone viral faster than a cat video.

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Milania seems to have developed reflexes quicker
than a cat avoiding a bath when

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it comes to dodging her husband's public
displays of affection. It's like she's playing

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a high stakes game of duck duck
goose on national television. After Trump's dramatic

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retelling of his near death experience,
which by the way, was more suspenseful

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than a Michael Bay movie. He
went in for the kiss, but Milania,

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ever the quick thinker, executed a
cheek turn so smooth it could have

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won her a gold medal if kiss
dodging was an Olympic sport. This isn't

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the first time Malania's pulled a Houdini
act on Trump's lips. She's been swerving

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kisses and swatting hands away like it's
her full time job. I guess when

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your husband's idea of romance is recounting
assassination attempts, you develop some evasive maneuvers.

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But don't worry, folks, they
still walked off stage hand in hand,

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because nothing says we're totally fine like
forced handholding after a public kiss rejection.

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Right, and let's not forget the
touching tribute to the fallen fireman Corey

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comparatory, Trump kissed his helmet in
a moment of respect, though someone might

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want to double check the spelling on
that jacket. Nothing says heartfelt tribute quite

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like a misspelled name. Eh.
So, there you have it. Folks.

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Another day, another Trump kiss Dodge. Stay tuned for the next exciting

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episode of Love and Politics, the
Trump edition. Oh and if kid Rock

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wasn't cool enough for Generation Z,
the Republicans trotted out Vivik Ramaswami to tell

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gen Z that being conservative is the
new way to rebel, because nothing says

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sticking it to the man like supporting
a seventy eight year old billionaire. Right.

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Trump's speech was a roller coaster ride
of emotions. He started off talking

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about being a president for all of
America, but faster than you can say

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fake news, he was back to
his greatest hits, attacking democrats and claiming

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he's saving democracy. It's like watching
a yoga instructor try to lead a class

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while simultaneously trash talking the gym next
door. The new and improved Trump lasted

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about as long as a snowman.
In July, after the assassination attempt,

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some of Trump's allies were singing a
new tune, claiming he'd become a changed

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man. They promised us a kinder, gentler Trump, a unifying force in

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American politics. Heck, Trump himself
said he'd ripped up his original speech and

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wouldn't even mention Biden by name spoiler
alert, that was about as true as

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a three dollar bill. Trump started
his speech with a riveting account of the

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assassination attempt. It was more gripping
than a Hollywood blockbuster. We've got secret

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Service agents flying in like linebackers,
shoes flying off, and Trumps still wanting

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to speak to the crowd. It's
like an action movie, but with more

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comovers. Let's talk about that iconic
fist rays moment. Trump's pretty proud of

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it, calling it the most iconic
photo they've ever seen. I guess those

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guys at Ewo Jima should have tried
harder but faster than you can say,

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make America great again. He was
back to his old tricks. He couldn't

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resist taking swipes at Biden and calling
Nancy Pelosi crazy. So much for not

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demonizing political disagreements. Huh, It's
like watching a kid promise not to eat

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candy right before diving headfirst into a
bowl of M and m's. And let's

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not forget the giant Trump sign lighting
up the hall like he's the fifth member

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of ABBA. Because nothing says humility
quite like your name and neon lights.

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Right. Trump's speech was a greatest
Hits album of his campaign trail Classics.

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He hit all the notes America as
a victim, poll numbers, random conversations

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with waitresses. It's like he's got
a mad Lib's presidential addition and he's just

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filling in the blanks. The new
Trump turned out to be just like the

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old Trump, but with a bandit
on his ear. I guess some things

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never change, even after a brush
with death. Stay tuned for the next

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exciting episode of The Trump Show,
now with more neon. So there you

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have it, folks, Trump two
point zero now with more unity, less

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tough talk, and the same old
confidence. Will this new softer Trump last

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or will he be back to his
old tweets I mean truths. Stay tuned

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for the next exciting episode of As
the Trump Turns. I guess I'm working

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this weekend again. That's okay,
I'm going to do it from Chicago and

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build the bosses at Caalaroga Shark Media
for my time. Portions of today's program

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were made with help from Hulk Hogan
Ai and Kid Rock. Be sure to

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hit follow on your podcast app if
you're a new listener.