RNC Recap - JD Vance's speech, Who is Kai Trump and oh yeah Biden has Covid

WEBVTT

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Caalarogu. Shark media from the Republican
National Convention where Joe Biden has COVID isn't

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even the top story. This is
balot. That's right. Wednesday belonged to

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JD. Vance, but the sharks
are circling around Grandpa Joe. Let's hit

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this. The night was all about
JD. Vance. Well, unless you're

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Matt Gates. Look, you either
got that last joke or you didn't.

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And if you did, that's a
solid one. Let's start with the man

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of the hour, JD. Vance. Remember when he was just a best

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selling author telling us about his hillbilly
roots. Well now he's Trump's mini me,

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spouting populist rhetoric. Faster than you
can say, I've completely changed my

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political views for convenience. Vance went
from criticizing Trump to praising him with such

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enthusiasm you'd think Trump had personally plucked
him out of Appalachia and bestowed upon him

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the gift of political relevance. Vance's
speech was a masterclass in cognitive dissonance.

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Here's a former venture capitalist railing against
Wall Street and multinational corporations. It's like

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watching a fox criticize Henhouse security while
wearing a chicken costume. He talked about

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raising wages and battling China as if
he hadn't been part of the very system

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he's now decrying. But hey,
in politics, yesterday's beliefs are about as

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relevant as last year's iPhone model.
Right, it looks like Vance has decided

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to play the I'm not a politician
card at the Republican National Convention. Because

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nothing says I'm not a politician like
accepting a vice presidential nomination at a major

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political parties convention. Right, Vance, the man who went from hillbilly elogy

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to Trump's BFF faster than you can
say political opportunism, gave us a real

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rags to riches story. He's like
a walking, talking Horatio Alger novel,

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but with more maga hats. He's
so proud of being a good husband and

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father, you'd think he was running
for dad in Chief instead of vice president.

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I guess in the GOP, family
values are the new political currency.

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And let's not forget his appeal to
the rust belt. He mentioned Michigan,

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Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania more times than
Trump mentions himself in a day. It's

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like he's trying to win a game
of electoral bingo Michigan, Wisconsin, and

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Pennsylvania. Hey, aren't those all
swing states? That's weird. I guess

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if you're in California, you can
go hose yourself off. And let's not

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forget the rest of the star studded
lineup of speakers. We had Peter Navarro,

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fresh out of prison and ready to
party. Nothing says law and order

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quite like cheering for a guy who
just did time for contempt of Congress.

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It's like the GOP is playing a
game of how many x cons can we

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fit on one stage. I'm half
expecting Bernie Madoff to make a surprise appearance

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via Ouija board. Meanwhile, Trump's
trying to soften his image by having women

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speak for him. It's like he's
playing political ventriloquism. See. I don't

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say mean things about women. I
just get other women to say nice things

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about me. Laura Trump, Kelly
and Conway, and even his granddaughter were

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trotted out to paint a picture of
Trump as a loving family man. It's

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like watching a nature documentary where they
try to convince you that grizzly bears are

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just big, cuddly teddy bears and
don't even get me started on the culture

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war rhetoric. It was flying around
that convention hall faster than a Fox newsticker.

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We had Callista Gingrich essentially accusing Biden, a devout Catholic, of leading

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an anti faith crusade. It's like
accusing the Pope of being secretly Protestant.

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Then there was Tom Homan practically frothing
at the mouth as he told immigrants to

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start packing. I haven't seen that
much misplaced aggression since my cat tried to

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fight its own reflection. The whole
convention is a testament to how much Trump

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has reshaped the Republican Party. It's
not your grandfather's GOP anymore, unless your

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grandfather was really into populist rhetoric,
questionable trade policies, a dash of xenophobia,

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and some really crisp looking uniforms.
And let's not forget the elephant in

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the room, or should I say
the elephant not in the room of abortion.

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The GOP tiptoed around that topic like
it was a sleeping bear. I

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guess they finally realized that taking away
people's rights isn't as popular as they thought.

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Who knew? Finally we have Ronnie
Jackson, Trump's former doctor talking about

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Biden's health while conveniently forgetting that Trump
is just a few big macs away from

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the same age bracket. It's like
watching a kettle call the pot old and

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decrepit. All of a sudden,
Trump has a granddaughter, which makes sense

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since Trump is Joe Biden's age,
and I have to credit the Trumps for

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keeping the children out of all the
politics until now. Anyway, I'm not

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here to make fun of children,
and I won't, but I also realize

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who is Kai Trump is going to
be good for SEO. Last night,

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Ki Madison Trump, all of seventeen
years old, took the stage at the

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RNC to give us all a glimpse
of the normal grandpa side of Donald Trump.

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Because nothing says normal like having your
teenage granddaughter speak at a national political

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convention, right, Kai, bless
her heart, tried to paint a picture

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of Trump as your average run of
the mill grandpa, you know, the

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kind who gives you candy when your
parents aren't looking, in checks notes,

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prints out your honor role achievements to
show his friends. I'm sure all the

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other grandpa's out there are nodding along, thinking, yep, that's exactly what

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I do when I'm not running for
president or dealing with multiple felony charges.

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And let's not forget the golf.
Apparently Trump calls her in the middle of

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the school day to chat about their
golf games, because who needs math when

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you can work on your swing?
Am I right? It's heartwarming to know

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that even when he's going through all
these court cases, he still finds time

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to encourage Kai to be successful.
Talk about multitasking. Now you're probably wondering,

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what's Joe Biden been up to.
Oh, he has COVID. Normally

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that would be a big story and
not the story I goofon over the silly

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upbeat music bed in the second half. Just hours after news broke that,

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Joe himself said if a doctor told
him not to run, then he wouldn't

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run. All of a sudden,
he has COVID. It's like when you

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saw Kevin Bacon in Beverly Hills Cop
four and you knew he was going to

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be the bad guy. Oh,
did I just spoil Beverly Hills Cop four

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for you? You had two weeks. Don't act like you were planning on

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watching Beverly Hills Cop four tonight.
Anyway, when you do watch it.

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It's super obvious, like Biden's saying
if a doctor gave him an out,

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he would take it. Biden's doctor
says he's got mild symptoms, which in

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political speak probably means he's feeling about
his chipper as a wet cat. But

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don't worry. He gave us a
thumbs up before jetting off to Delaware because

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nothing says I'm fine like fleeing to
your home state. Right. Do they

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not have doctors at the White House. He has to work from his Delaware

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beach house. That's the excuse I'm
going to give the bosses at Calaroga Shark

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Media next weekend when they asked me
to work a fourth weekend in a row.

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Hey, I'd love to make fun
of Trump and stuff, but I

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have COVID. I can't possibly record
something using a USB mic in a laptop.

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The timing of Biden's diagnosis is about
as perfect as a root canal during

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a job interview. Democratic lawmakers have
been begging to see Biden out front,

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and now he's going to be behind
closed doors. It's like telling a hungry

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dog to sit and stay while you
eat a steak dinner. Meanwhile, the

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Democratic party is in such a tizzy
they're starting to sound like a group of

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squirrels who've had too much coffee.
Adam Schiff, bless his heart, chose

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this moment to publicly call for Biden
to drop out. Talk about kicking a

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man when he's down and contagious.
And let's not forget about Kamala Harris,

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who's keeping her campaign scheduled like its
business as usual. I guess in the

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Biden administration, the show must go
on, even if the star has to

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watch from his living room overlooking the
ocean. Must be rough. Nancy Pelosi,

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the queen of power suits and perfectly
timed clapbacks, apparently decided to give

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old Joe Biden a ring. And
let me tell you, this wasn't your

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average how's the weather in DC kind
of call. Oh no, this was

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more like a Houston we have a
problem conversation. According to our sources,

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who are probably hiding in the White
House closets as we speak, Pelosi basically

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told Biden, listen, Joe,
the Poles are about as good for you

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as a chocolate teapot. She's worried
that if Biden keeps running, the Democrats'

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chances of winning the house will vanish
faster than ice cream at a summer picnic.

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Even that guy brute was like,
get to Nancy, but Biden,

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bless his heart, wasn't having it. He pulled out his own set of

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poles faster than you can say malarkey. When asked for comment, the White

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House spokesperson basically said, la,
la, la, I can't hear you.

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It's the political equivalent of sticking your
fingers in your ears and humming loudly.

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And Pelosi's team they're playing the She's
been in California. She hasn't talked

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to Biden card because apparently phones don't
work across state lines and more. It's

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like when my sister doesn't text me
back for four days. Well, I

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guess she didn't want my extra Kenny
Chesney ticket. Her loss my sister,

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not Nancy Pelosi. Although if Nancy
Pelosi wants to come see Kenny Chesney,

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have her text me speaking of Nancy
Pelosi before I go. Can I talk

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about the worst part of the day, even worse than me blowing the edit.

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At the end of yesterday's show,
if you had CNN on around seven,

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you saw Nancy Pace get up there. She introduced herself as Nancy,

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don't call me Pelosi Pace. It
was perhaps the lamest attempt at a joke

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in the history of mankind. And
I say that as someone who has made

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fifty lame jokes. In today's episode, at least I had the help of

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AI in making today's show. Nancy, maybe pay the twenty dollars for Chat

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four point zero. I'll probably be
back later today as I'm sure something will

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happen. By the way, never
grab dinner with Anderson. He takes forever

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to eat.