Sept. 2, 2025

Reading and Willing: JD Vance ready if, you know....PLUS Vance warns NFL about Taylor Swift

Show Notes
Transcript

JD Vance says he's ready to be President after seven months of watching Trump work - that's less time than most people need to figure out their new job's healthcare benefits. Meanwhile, a TikTok physical therapist diagnosed Trump with six months to live through his phone screen, and Health Secretary RFK Jr. thinks he can spot children's mitochondrial problems just by people-watching at airports. We dive into Vance's NFL conspiracy theories about Taylor Swift rigging games for Travis Kelce, Trump's mysterious hand bruises covered with makeup, and why our government apparently runs on social media medical advice and supernatural airport diagnosis powers.

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Calaruga Shark Media from Washington, DC, where Trump is totally healthy.

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Just ask anyone this is valid, that's right. But don't worry. JD.

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Vance wants you to know he's ready to take charge

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because there's definitely nothing wrong with Trump. Let's hit this.

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I'm Patrick Gutfield, and well, this is reassuring. Vice President JD.

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Vance wants everyone to know he's ready to take over

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if Trump's health takes a turn, thanks to his extensive

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seven months of good on the job training. Most people

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need more training to operate a forklift, but Vance is

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confident he can handle being leader of the free world

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after what amounts to a really long internship. Don't worry, America.

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I've been watching Trump work for almost a full school year.

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I think I've got this. Meanwhile, Vance insists Trump is

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an incredibly good health with incredible energy, which is interesting

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timing considering Trump recently called Saint Petersburg Leningrad, a name

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that's been retired since nineteen ninety one. That's not a

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small geography mix up. That's like calling New York New Amsterdam.

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Then there was the Alaska incident, where Trump announced twice

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that he was traveling to Russia to meet Putin when

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the meeting was actually taking place in Alaska. Look, I

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get it. Alaska and Russia are neighbors. You can practically

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wave to each other across the Bearing Strait, just ask

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Sarah Palin. But when you're the president, saying you're going

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to Russia when you mean Alaska is like saying you're

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going to Mars when you mean the moon. And then

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there are those mysterious bruises on Trump's hands that he's

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been covering with makeup. The White House claims it's from

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excessive handshaking and aspirin use, but the bruising has now

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spread to both hands. Either Trump has become ambidextrous in

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his greeting enthusiasm, or there's something else going going on.

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Nothing says presidential vitality like having to conceal injuries with concealer.

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But don't worry if anything happens, We've got JD. Vance

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standing by, with his seven months of experience and the

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confidence of someone who just finished their first week at

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a new job. I've been taking notes, I know where

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the important meetings are, and I'm pretty sure I remember

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the Wi Fi password. How hard could it be? Then again,

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how bad. Could JD. Vance be What's he gonna do?

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Not stop the war in Ukraine or make a two

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cheeseburger meal cost eleven dollars. Maybe President Vance will even

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release the Epstein files. Vance has apparently appointed himself the

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Roger Goodell of conspiracy theories, warning the NFL not to

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give the Kansas City chief special treatment just because Travis

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Kelcey is marrying Taylor Swift. Let me get this straight.

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The Vice President of the United States took time out

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of his busy schedule of whatever it is vice presidents

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do to sit down with USA today and express his

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deep concern that NFL referees might start throwing phantom flags

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in favor of Kansas City, not realizing, of course, that

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that's exactly what the refs should do. Vance claims he's

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worried about this as a Cincinnati Bengals fan, which explains

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a lot. Look, nobody wants to see the Bengals in

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the Super Bowl when we can fawn over Taylor. I'm

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calling holding on the Bengals myself. What's truly remarkable here

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is that Vance delivered this entire theory with the confidence

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of someone who's cracked the DA Vinci code. He's out

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there warning America about the great Taylor Swift NFL industrial complex,

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as if Roger Goodell is sitting in his office thinking,

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you know what, shake it Off really is a banger.

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Let's make sure Kansas City gets some favorable calls. And

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then we have President Trump, who somehow managed to congratulate

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the couple despite previously posting I hate Taylor Swift in

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all caps on truth social A viral video claiming Trump

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has six to eight months to live racked up nearly

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six million views, which is apparently what passes for medical

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diagnosis these days. The creator of this medical masterpiece a

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physical therapist who is very careful to clarify he's not

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actually a doctor, even though half the Internet ran with

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headlines screaming doctor says Trump dying. That's like me analyzing

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someone's golf swing from a grainy YouTube video and everyone

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reporting golf pro predicts Tiger Woods's imminent retirement. This guy

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looked at Trump's swollen ankles and bruised hands through his

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phone screen and confidently diagnosed congestive heart failure. That's some

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next level telehealth right there. Most doctors need stethoscopes, blood tests,

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maybe even meeting the patient. But apparently all you need

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now is good WiFi, a ring light, and the confidence

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of someone who's watched every episode of Gray's Anatomy. The

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physical therapists claimed Trump's health issues were so obvious that

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he could spot them from TikTok videos. He said the

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swelling in Trump's ankles was a dead giveaway, and that

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Trump sitting behind desks during appearances was prove his condition

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was worsening. By that logic, every podcaster in America is

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circling the drain. Joe Rogan sits for three hours straight.

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Clearly he's got weeks to live. His smoking gun evidence

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Trump's bruised hands, which he attributed to IV treatments for

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heart failure. The White House, however, had a slightly less

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dramatic explanation frequent handshaking and aspirin use. So either Trump

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is getting secret medical treatments in some underground bunker, or

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he's just really really enthusiastic about meeting people while popping

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baby aspirin like a tic TACs. I'm going with the

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handshaking theory. The man treats every greeting like he's trying

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to start a lawnmower. This whole episode got so ridiculous

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that Snopes had to step in and fact check it.

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But then again, the guy in charge of health thinks

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he can diagnose children's might have andria just by people

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watching at LaGuardia. Robert F. Kennedy, Junior, our new health secretary,

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has apparently developed some kind of supernatural medical vision that

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allows him to spot mitochondrial challenges in kids just by

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glancing at them in airport terminals. And here I thought

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the most impressive thing you could do at an airport

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was find a decent sandwich for under twenty dollars. RFK

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claims he can tell children are overburdened with mitochondrial challenges

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just by looking at their faces and body movements. Now,

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for those of us who slept through high school biology,

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mitochondria are the powerhouses of the cell Remember that they're

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the tiny structures that generate energy in our bodies. Kennedy

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thinks he can assess how well these microscopic cellular engines

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are functioning just by observing children's lack of social connection

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at airports. Let me get this straight. Kids look tired

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and antisocial at airports, so clearly their cellular energy production

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is compromised, as this man never traveled with children. Kids

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at airports look miserable because they've been awake since four am.

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They're missing their favorite cartoon, and someone made them wear

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nice clothes to sit in a metal tube for six hours.

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The Internet had a field day with this one. People

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started joking about feeling mitochondria challenged themselves, which honestly sounds

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like something you'd claim to get out of work. Sorry,

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can't make it to the meeting today, my mitochondria are

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acting up. Doctor Ashish Jaw called it wacky flat earth

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voodoo stuff, which is why he was named the new

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Secretary of State. Portions of today's show were made with

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the help of Taylor Swift, Travis Kelcey, SEO keyword Stuffing,

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and AI released the Epstein Files. You Cowered