April 22, 2025

Pope Francis, Trump, and Noem's Purse Predicament

Join Patrick Gutfield on "Ballot" as he delivers biting commentary on Trump's Vatican visit, the papal succession race, and Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem's restaurant robbery incident, all with the sharp wit reminiscent of classic late-night...

Show Notes
Transcript

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Calaruga shark media from Rome, where we told the bosses

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we're covering the Vatican, but we're actually just eating pizza.

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This is ballot. That's right. When the bosses said, do

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you want to go to Italy to cover this? I

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didn't even stop home for a change of clothes. Let's

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hit this. President Trump announced he's going to Pope Francis's funeral.

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That's right. The former and current commander in chief is

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making his first international trip of term two to say

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goodbye to the pontiff. Trump posted on truth Social Milania,

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and I will be going to the funeral of Pope

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Francis in Rome. We look forward to being there because

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nothing says solemn occasion like an exclamation point at the

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end of your funeral, RSVP. The Pope once wrote to

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Trump hoping Americans would build a society where there's no

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room for hatred, discrimination or exclusion. Meanwhile, Trump's immigration policy

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was basically hatred, discrimination and exclusion. So I guess we'll

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see Trump and Saint Peter's Square this week, standing there

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thinking nice place. But have you seen my golden escalator?

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The Vatican is buzzing with speculation about who will get

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the big hat and fancy chair. There's Cardinal Pierre Battista

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Pize Sabala, the Vatican's top Middle East expert. He's only

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sixty years old, which in pope years is practically a teenager.

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He'd be the first Italian pope since nineteen seventy eight,

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back when disco was still a thing and alter boys

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wore bell bottoms. Then there's Cardinal Pietro Perlyn, who's been

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francis right hand man since twenty thirteen. He speaks four

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languages and is apparently the mastermind behind better relations with China.

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He's like the Vatican's version of Henry Kissinger, but with

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better fashion sense. How about Cardinal Friedelin Ambongo from Congo.

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Francis always talked about going to the peripheries, which is

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Vatican code for places that aren't Europe. Cardinal Luis Antonio

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Tagli from the Philippines nicknamed Cheeto and has been called

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the Asian Francis. Cardinal Matteo Zupie of Italy is so

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progressive he wrote the preface for a book about ministering

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to gay people. Cardinal Peter Ardo of Hungary is for

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the traditionalists who missed the old days. And lastly, there's

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Hillary Clinton, who might also be gunning for the nomination.

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After all, she's been trying to break that glass ceiling

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for years, and this one comes with its own bulletproof popemobile.

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Homeland Security Secretary Christy Nome got robbed while eating dinner

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at a DC restaurant Sunday night. A thief swiped her

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bag containing her driver's license, medication, apartment keys, passport, DHS

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access badge, makeup bag, blank checks, and three thousand dollars

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in cash. The Secret Service reviewed security footage and saw

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some masked guy take her bag and walk right out.

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They've launched an investigation, because you know, that's probably important

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when the person in charge of the Home Land Security

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loses their access badge. A DHS spokesperson said Nome had

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her entire family in town, including her children and grandchildren,

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and was using the cash withdrawal to treat them to

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dinner activities and Easter gifts. Numb has that look on

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her face like someone had shot her dog, but then

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you remember, oh wait, that wasn't someone else. That was

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actually her who shot her own dog. An American citizen

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and his wife get detained at the border after a

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casual weaknand trip to Canada, because nothing screams welcome back

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to America like being handcuffed for driving a Range Rover.

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So this guy, Batira Tala and his wife Jessica were

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just trying to come home after visiting family in Canada.

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They pull up to the Vermont border checkpoint, and suddenly

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they're getting the full premium membership experience, complete with complimentary

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handcuffs and as separate luxury accommodations also known as cells.

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When Bachir asked why he was being detained, the officer

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put his hand on his gun, you know that universal

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signal for I'd rather not have this conversation right now.

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Then they took his phone, took his belongings, and never

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bothered to explain why any of this was happening. Customs

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and Border Patrol called his story blatantly false and sensationalized,

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which is exactly what you want to hear from government

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officials handling your civil liberties. Meanwhile, we've got President Trump

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threatening to send certain US citizens to offshore prisons, but

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not US. We support President Trump because President Trump is

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awesome and we support him. Where was I? The whole

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ordeal lasted until eleven PM and the first thing they

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said when they got in their car, thank god we're

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safe in Arabic, which, given the current climate, probably would

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have gotten them detained for another four hours if anyone

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had heard them. Two Chinese prisoners of war just held

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a press conference in Kiev, and let me tell you

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their Russian military recruitment experience makes Amazon warehouse jobs look

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downright luxurious. Thirty four year old Wang Gwang Jun claims

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he went to Russia thinking he'd be a rehabilitation therapist,

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only to find himself dodging Ukrainian drones on the front lines.

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He couldn't even take a bathroom break without an armed

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guard following him around. Talk about performance anxiety, Wang says

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escape was impossible. Russia is filled with military police. Even

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if you try to run, there is nowhere to go.

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It's like the world's worst vacation package. Come to Russia

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for the job opportunities, stay because we're pointing guns at you.

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The other captive, twenty seven year old Jang Renbao, says

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he was promised a monthly salary of around three four

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hundred dollars, but Wang claims he never even saw a paycheck.

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That's right, Russia apparently found the one employee situation worse

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than unpaid internships. And remember, kids, if a job offer

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sounds too good to be true, it probably involves getting

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shot at in a foreign country. Former Obama aid Tommy

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viet is absolutely done with Joe Biden, and can you

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blame him? Biden finally emerged from a retirement to give

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his first big speech, and what did he talk about

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Social Security? Because nothing says I'm still with it like

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discussing retirement benefits now. Viator went on Pod Save America

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and basically said what we're all thinking. Thanks for your service, Joe,

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but please stop talking. He didn't actually say stop talking.

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What he really said was I don't want to hear

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him giving speeches right now, which, in political speak is

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the equivalent of changing the channel when your ex appears

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on TV. He's been reading Jake Tapper's upcoming book about

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how Biden's team apparently worked overtime to hide his decline.

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The book is called Original Sin, which seems a bit dramatic.

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I mean aging is ant exactly original, literally the oldest

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story in human history. Brian Tyler Cohen chimed in about

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our party's geerontocracy problem. Which is a five dollars word

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for too many old people. He basically said, the last

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thing Democrats need is to keep handing microphones to the

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senior citizen wing of the party when what we really

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need is generational change. Viator agreed, saying Democrats need to

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look forward, not backwards. Wait until the Pod Save America

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guys find out they're famous for working with Obama, which

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is four presidencies ago. But sure, let's not look backwards.

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The kicker Beetor said, I get that he's giving speeches.

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It's probably paying the bills. I'm guessing. Tommy said that

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right before reading a spot for ZIP recruiter. Portions of

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today's program were made with the help of Pod Save America,

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the AI bots reading that we support President Trump and

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some Chinese soldiers