March 31, 2025

Patrick Gutfield ROASTS Trump's Museum Control and Bezos' Venice Wedding

Show Notes
Transcript

Podcasting's most savage host delivers a blistering takedown of Trump's attempt to rewrite American history through the Smithsonian, and imagines Jeff Bezos emerging from a giant Amazon box at his Venice wedding. Gutfield also explores the Vatican's first "millennial saint" with his trademark wit, suggesting Carlo Acutis is "the Justin Bieber of Catholicism." Don't miss his perfect analogy for Trump's museum meddling: "That's like putting me in charge of determining what constitutes haute cuisine. 'This isn't a proper soufflé - it doesn't have enough cheese powder!

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Callaroga Shark media from Washington, d C.

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Where we're restoring truth and sanity to American history.

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This is ballot.

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Uh oh, there's no way that's going to be some

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sort of thought out process.

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Let's hit this.

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Trump just issued an executive order called Restoring.

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Truth and Sanity to American History.

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Because nothing says totally sane person like declaring yourself the

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official editor of the Smithsonian Institution.

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That's right.

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The President signed an order directing JD. Vance to eliminate

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anything improper from the Smithsonian museums. Vance will now personally

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decide what exhibits are too divisive or anti American. He'll

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be roaming the halls with a clipboard going dinosaur fossils.

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That's just big geology propaganda. Take it down. This is

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the Smithsonian we're talking about create in eighteen forty six

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as an independent institution, but now Trump wants to make

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sure it only tells a story where America is the

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handsome protagonist with perfect hair who never does anything wrong.

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It's like when I tell people about my college years,

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but leave out the part where I accidentally set my

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roommate's futon on fire. The order specifically targets the National

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Museum of African American History and Culture for suggesting concepts

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like hard work and individualism are part of white culture.

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Now.

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I don't know about you, but as a white guy,

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I've been avoiding hard work my entire life. That's cultural

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appropriation of my laziness.

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JD.

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Vance is now supposed to decide which exhibits degrade shared

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American values. Because when I think art and culture expert,

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I immediately think the hillbilly elegy guy. That's like putting

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me in charge of determining what constitutes boat cuisine. This

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isn't a proper soufle. It doesn't have enough cheese powder.

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Historians are calling this an ideological purity test, but Trump

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insists it will create a narrative about our unmatched record

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of advancing liberty. He wants museums to remind Americans of

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our extraordinary heritage and consistent progress, just like how the

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first Trump presidency was four years of consistent progress toward

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the nearest golf course. You know who else liked to

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control what museums could display. Every dictator Ever, so next

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time you're at the Smithsonian, enjoy the new exhibits. America

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never made a mistake the founding Fathers, Hot or super Hot,

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and my personal favorite, the history of hair products that

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made America great. The Catholic Church is about to get

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its first millennial Saint, Carlo Acutis, and his body is

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currently on display in a CC wearing sneakers, jeans, and

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a sweatshirt. That's right, there's a holy body in casual

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Friday attire.

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Forever.

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The Vaticans really loosening up their dress code. This Italian

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teenage died of leukemia back in two thousand and six,

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and now he's being fast tracked to sainthood. I guess

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when the church finds a tech savvyteen who actually wants

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to attend Mass instead of scrolling TikTok, they don't waste

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any time. Young Carlo was born in London to a

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wealthy Italian family because even saints need a good trust fund,

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and grew up in Milan. By age seven, he was

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already receiving communion. While the rest of us were still

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trying to figure out how to tie our shoes. While

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other kids were playing Nintendo, Carlo was out here creating

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an online exhibition about over one hundred eucharistic miracles. When

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I was fifteen, My biggest accomplishment was finally figuring out

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how to talk to girls without sweating profusely. The Vatican

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confirmed not one, but two miracles attributed to Carlo. First,

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a child in Brazil recovered in a scientifically inexplicable manner,

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and second, an Italian student completely healed from major head

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trauma after a bicycle accident when her mother prayed at

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Carlo's tomb. Yet, somehow, when I pray for my WiFi

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to work, nothing happens. His canonization mass will be held

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on April twenty seventh at the Vatican, coinciding with teen

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Jubilee celebrations, because nothing gets teenagers excited like a church

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ceremony at ten thirty in the morning. His popularity is

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absolutely skyrocketing, with over a million pilgrims visiting his shrine

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in Assisi last year. The gift shops are packed with

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Carlo merchandise, everything from pocket sized cards to life size statues.

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He's like the Justin Bieber of Catholicism. Parents are especially

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thrilled about Carlo, with one Italian father saying he appears

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like one of our kids. Yes, finally a saint who

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probably knew how to reset the WI Fi router. The

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church is really hoping teens will relate to Carlo instead

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of you know, Taylor Swift. So there you have it.

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A saint who wore jeans, played video games, and taught Catechism,

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the ultimate holy multitasker who makes the rest of us

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millennials look completely underachieving by comparison.

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Thanks a lot, Sat Carlo.

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This is probably a good time to promote the podcast

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White Smoke, a podcast that pulls back the curtain on

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the Vatican's most mysterious ritual. White Smoke takes you deep

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inside the secretive world of papal elections, where power, politics

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and prayer collide in ways you never imagined, from medieval

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intrigue to modern machinations. Did you know cardinals were once

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locked in with deteriorating food and collapsing roofs to force

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a decision, Or that a pope can be selected by

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divine inspiration without even a vote. These aren't ancient history,

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They're the bizarre traditions still influencing today's church. Each episode

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explores a different conclave where the fate of the Catholic

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Church hung in the balance. You'll hear about secret alliances,

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surprise candidates, and the exact moment when white smoke billows

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from the Sistine Chapel announcing to the world Habimus papalm

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white smoke. Because the world's oldest election system is also

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its strangest available wherever you get your podcasts. Well, well, well,

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Jeff Bezos is getting married in Venice, Italy.

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The world's richest.

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Online shopping enthusiast is tying the knot with Lauren Sanchez

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in the floating city, and officials are working overtime to

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assure everyone it won't cause chaos. The city released a

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statement denying reports that Venice would be overrun by hundreds

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of celebrities in what Italian papers are calling the delivery

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of the century. They insist only two hundred guests will attend,

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which in billionaire terms is practically eloping. Venice officials stress

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they have experienced handling events much larger than this, reminding

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everyone they've hosted g twenty summits, film festivals, and presumably

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other billionaire weddings where the bride and groom arrived via

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prime shipping. Reports claimed Bezos's wedding planners had already booked

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every luxury hotel room and reserved countless gondolas and water taxis.

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If true, this would mark the first time Venice transportation

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was completely controlled by one man since the Doge Era.

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Mayor Luigi Brunaro assured citizens that this wedding will be

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absolutely respectful of the fragility and uniqueness of the city.

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Translation.

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Bezos has been firmly told there will be no drone

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delivery fleets, rocket landings, or attempts to add buy now.

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Buttons to historic landmarks.

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The wedding is reportedly happening between June twenty fourth and

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twenty sixth, giving Bezos just enough time to file his

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wedding registry under Things I Could Buy with my pocket change.

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This will be the second.

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Celebrity wedding to grace the Canals, after George and Amol

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Clooney celebrated there in twenty fourteen. Though unlike Clooney, Bezos

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probably won't arrive via motor boat. Expect him to emerge

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from a comically large Amazon delivery box instead. Portions of

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today's show were made with the help of Amazon, The Smithsonian,

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and AI