Dec. 2, 2024

Pardons and Pricier Beer: Biden pardons Hunter

Show Notes
Transcript

President Biden just gave his son Hunter an early Christmas present, and it wasn't a tie - it's a get-out-of-jail-free card! That's right, Biden pardoned Hunter faster than you can say "family discount at the Justice Department." The White House is saying Hunter was "selectively prosecuted" - yeah, kind of like how I selectively eat salads, meaning never!

Speaking of family drama, Vice President-elect JD Vance had quite the Thanksgiving! He shared an edited Norman Rockwell painting where he cast himself as... wait for it... Trump's aproned turkey-serving wife. Not since Mike Pence stared lovingly at Trump during press conferences have we seen this level of political devotion! I haven't seen this much selective outrage since someone suggested putting pineapple on pizza!

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WEBVTT

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Calarogu Shark media from Washington, DC, where we're stockpiling MODELO

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faster than a frat house before spring break. This is ballot,

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That's right, man. I hope Sleepy Joe can pardon these

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hacky jokes. The writer's handed in today, Let's hit this.

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Jd Vance just won the award for most Awkward Thanksgiving

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post of twenty twenty four, and let me tell you

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the competition was stiff. He shared an edited version of

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Norman Rockwell's famous Thanksgiving painting, where he cast himself as

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wait for it, Trump's aproned turkey serving wife. Not since

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Mike Pence stared lovingly at Trump during press conferences have

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we seen this level of political devotion. Let me paint

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you a picture of what might be the most awkward

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photoshop job since your uncle tried to convince everyone he

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really did catch that giant fish. Vance shared an edited

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version of Norman Rockwell's classic Freedom from Want you know

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that iconic painting where Grandma's serving the turkey to a

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happy family. But in this fever dream version, Donald Trump's

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head is plastered onto Grandpa's body at the head of

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the table, while J. D Vance's face is seamlessly, and

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by seamlessly, I mean about as smooth as a gravel

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driveway edited onto Grandma's body, complete with the frilly white apron,

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and instead of a golden brown turkey, it's a bright

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red electoral map showing Republican dominance. Nothing says happy Thanksgiving

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quite like serving up a helping of political fan art

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with a side of uncomfortable. You know, most people celebrate

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Thanksgiving by posting pictures of their burnt turkeys or their

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uncle falling asleep watching football. But Vance he went full

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Norman Rockwell meets fan fiction. It's like he's auditioning for

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the Real Housewives of mar A Lago. The best part.

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Earlier that day, Vance posted a perfectly normal Thanksgiving message

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about America being the greatest nation in the world. But

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apparently that wasn't enough devotion for one day. He had

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to go full notice me Senpi Trump. Meanwhile, Trump spent

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his Thanksgiving doing what he does best, ranting about radical

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left lunatics, you know, traditional holiday stuff. Nothing says thanks

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for the blessings quite like all caps social media posts

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about your political enemies. Our vice president elect just had

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a worse weekend than Jets fans have every Sunday. JD,

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who's been wearing his Ohio State pride like a scarlet

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and gray security blanket, watched his beloved Buckeyes lose to

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Michigan for the fourth straight time. Remember when Vance told

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Trump he was worried about being VP because Ohio State

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fans might cost the Michigan votes. Well, after this game,

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Michigan voters might send him a thank you card. The

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Buckeyes didn't just lose, They followed it up with a

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brawl that ended with pepper spray. Nothing says conducted yourselves

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like champions quite like getting maced at midfield. The best

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part Vance had bragged about getting sweet tickets as VP

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elect to watch the game in person. Guess what he

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was a no show? Okay, okay, you didn't actually download

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this to get actual news, did you. Well, folks, looks

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like the Biden family. Christmas came early this year, and

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Hunter got exactly what he wanted in his stocking, a

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get out of jail free card. That's right, President Biden

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just pardoned his son faster than you can say family

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discount at the Justice Department. You know, Joe promised he

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wouldn't pardon Hunter about as many times, as I've promised

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to start going to the gym. But hey, at least

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my broken promises don't make headlines. The White House is

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saying Hunter was selectively prosecuted. Yeah, kind of like how

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I selectively eat salads. Meaning never Trump, our president elect,

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and professional Twitter ranter immediately called it an abuse of

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justice coming from the guy who hands out pardons like

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their Trump University diplomas. That's rich. The timing is right

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after Thanksgiving. Nothing says I'm thankful, quite like pardoning your

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son before Christmas and before before Trump gets the keys

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to the White House. Talk about a father son moment.

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Most dads just give their kids a firm handshake and

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some awkward advice about life. Joe Biden, he gives his

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son immunity from federal prosecution. Now that's what I call

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effective parenting. And the best part, the pardon covers any

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potential crimes from twenty fourteen to twenty twenty four It's

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like one of those all you can eat buffet deals,

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but for legal immunity. I haven't seen a blanket this

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comprehensive since my grandmother's quilting face. Oh look who's throwing

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statistical shade? Nate Silver, the guy whose election predictions are

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about as reliable as a weather forecast in Chicago. He's

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calling Biden selfish and senile, which, let's be honest, is

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pretty rich coming from the guy who predicted Hillary Clinton

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had a seventy percent chance of winning in twenty sixteen.

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Maybe he should stick to predicting baseball stats. So Silver's

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throwing a Twitter tantrum because Biden pardoned Hunter faster than

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you can say statistical margin of error. Hey, at least

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we have a shiny new topic to kick off the week. Well, folks,

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In what might be the most unexpected political buddy comedy

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since Dennis Rodman went to North Korea, Bernie Sanders just

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gave Elon Musk a thumbs up. That's right, the champion

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of democratic socialism and the guy who named his department

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after a mean cryptocurrency are actually agreeing on something. Mark

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your calendars, because this is rarer than a government project

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finishing under budget. So what brought these unlikely allies together

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The Pentagon's budget, which has more holes in it than

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my dad's favorite sweater. They failed their seventh audit in

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a row. That's like failing your driver's tests seven times,

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except instead of a damaged mailbox, we're talking about billions

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of missing dollars. Trump's solution create the Department of Government Efficiency,

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or DOGE, because nothing says we're serious about government waste

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quite like naming your department after Ashiba Enu Meme. Musk's

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been posting about government waste faster than a Tesla on autopilot,

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including that California high speed rail project. You know, the

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one that was supposed to cost thirty three billion dollars

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and be done by twenty twenty. Well it's now pushing

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one hundred twenty eight billion dollars and still hasn't transported

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a single person. Folks, grab your servesa while you still

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can't afford it, because Trump's latest tariff threat might have

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you trading your Corona for your cousin's questionable homebrew. That's right,

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the President elect is threatening to slap a twenty five

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percent tariff on Mexican imports, which means your most interesting

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man in the world might become the most expensive man

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in the world. And it's not just your beer budget

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that's in trouble. Remember that pickup truck you've been eyeing.

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Add another three thousand dollars to the price tag. It's

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like paying extra for that new car smell, except the

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smell is burning cash. That Mexican beer you're drinking it's

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about as Mexican as a fortune cookie as Chinese. The

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barley comes from Idaho, Montana, and North Dakota, and the

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company is based in New York. It's the Hillary Clinton

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of beers. But don't worry, beer lovers. Constellation Brands, the

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company behind Corona and Modello, says they're not sweating it.

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They survived Trump's first term of tariff threats like a

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seasoned drinker at last Call, although this time they might

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need more than a lime to help the medicine go down.

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Portions of today's program were made with the help of

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ai A Presidential Pardon and Norman Rockwell See you Tomorrow.