Jan. 28, 2025

Material Girl Goes Standup, Google Cancels Mexico, and French AI Claims Cows Lay Eggs (What Could Go Wrong?)

Show Notes
Transcript

CHAOS ALERT: Madonna storms comedy club for surprise Trump jokes while Google Maps tries to erase Mexico from its app! But that's not even the craziest news of the day - wait until you hear about France's new AI that thinks cows lay eggs and can calculate the square root of a goat. Plus, the Doomsday Clock just moved closer to midnight, because apparently we needed MORE anxiety this week. And in totally unrelated news, companies are now speed-running how fast they can fire Gen Z employees. Is this the most chaotic news day of twenty twenty-five? You decide! (Your boss will NOT want you to read this...)

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Callaroga Shark Media from Washington, DC, where it's one minute

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until doomsday. This is ballot, that's right.

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Google Maps is down with Trump's renamed nonsense, and Madonna

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is doing stand up comedy.

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We really are doomed.

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Let's hit this hello again. I'm Patrick Guttfield, and the

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doomsday clock just moved to eighty nine seconds to midnight,

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which is basically scientists' way of saying, Hey, everyone, maybe

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stop scrolling TikTok for a minute and pay attention to

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this whole existence situation we've got going on. This is

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the closest we've ever been to metaphorical midnight, which really

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puts a damper on my plans for metaphorical eleven fifty nine.

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The scientists are worried about nuclear risks, climate change, AI

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and biotechnology, basically everything except the real threat people who

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don't use their turn signals. You know you're in trouble

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when new clear scientists are the ones telling you to

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calm down. These are people who split atoms for a living,

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and even they're like, WHOA. Everybody needs to take it

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down a notch. Google announced they're going to rename the

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Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America and change

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Denali back to Mount McKinley, because apparently, when you're facing

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antitrust issues, the best strategy is to make everyone mad

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at you for completely different reasons. This is peak twenty

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twenty five energy right here. Google's basically doing the corporate

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equivalent of when you're in trouble with your parents and decide,

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you know.

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What would help setting the garage on fire.

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You know how sometimes your phone autocorrects something and makes

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you look ridiculous. Google's doing that, but with entire bodies

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of water. They're out here playing geographic mad libs. Next

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thing you know, they'll rename the Pacific Ocean to America's

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swimming pool, and Canada to North North Dakota. This whole

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Mount McKinley situation, and this especially wild Denali was the

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mountain's name for thousands of years before some gold prospector

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decided to name it after a president from Ohio who

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never even saw the mountain. That's like me going to

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your house and renaming your dog Steve because I once

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knew a guy named Steve. The Associated Press is keeping

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Gulf of Mexico in their style guide, probably because they

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realized that Mexico might have some thoughts about this. I mean,

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imagine if Mexico decided to rename Texas North.

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Tamolopus, we'd have opinions about that.

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France launched their own AI chatbot named Lucy, and let's

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just say it's having the kind of start that makes

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Windows Vista look like a smooth rollout. Their AI is

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out here telling people that cow's eggs, also known as

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chickens eggs, are edible eggs produced by cows. That's not

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just wrong, that's I learned biology from watching cartoons wrong.

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It's like they trained this AI by letting it binge

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watch surrealist French cinema, and when it comes to math,

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Lucy thinks five times three plus two equals seventeen instead

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of twenty five. Even my calculator watch from nineteen eighty

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seven is looking at this thing with secondhand embarrassment.

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The best part it.

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Declared with total confidence that the square root of a

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goat is one. I don't know what's funnier that it

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tried to calculate the square root of a goat, or

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that it was somehow confident enough to give us an answer.

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That's like saying the circumference of a sandwich is purple,

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I hear. As soon as Trump heard about these answers,

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he immediately offered Lucy a position as Secretary of Education.

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He said her understanding of math and science perfectly aligned

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with his administration's values. Madonna decided to try stand up

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comedy at the Comedy Cellar in New York. Now, for

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those who don't know, the Comedy Seller is this iconic

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basement venue that fits about one hundred and fifty people,

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basically the size of Madonna's backup dancer waiting room.

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Amy Schumer brought her there, which makes.

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Sense because if you're going to bomb, might as well

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have a professional comedian as your getaway driver. Madonna did

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a full thirty minutes, which in comedy terms is like

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doing a world tour in your living room. The audience

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was so shocked to see Madonna there they forgot how

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to react. You know, when your grandma tries to use

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TikTok and you're not sure whether to help or just

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start recording.

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That was the vibe.

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She apparently got the biggest laughs whenever she cursed, which

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tells you everything you need to know about stand up comedy.

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Some people are even getting laughs on a podcast written

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with the help of Ai Guilty.

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The audience was like.

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Oh my god, the woman who wrote like a Prayer

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just said a bad word. Meanwhile, every other comedian that

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night was probably thinking, so that's what we've been doing wrong.

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We need to be Madonna.

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First, she did squeeze in a Trump joke about deportations

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affecting her staff, which is pretty bold considering she's been

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deporting backup dancers to obscurity since nineteen eighty three. The

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wild part is this isn't even her first time at

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the comedy cellar. She did this back in twenty seventeen too.

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At this rate, she's building a more consistent comedy career

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than Pete Davidson. You know how parents used to say

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I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. Well, corporate America is

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both mad and disappointed, and they're showing it by firing

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jen Z graduates faster than a teenager unfollows their parents

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on Instagram.

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According to this new.

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Report, six and ten employers are firing their fresh out

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of college hires. That's right, companies are treating entry level

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positions like a free trial subscription. Thanks for checking out

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Corporate Life premium. Unfortunately, your trial has expired. The bosses

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are complaining that young workers lack motivation, which is hilarious

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coming from the people who invented mandatory fun days and

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inspirational poster Mondays. They're also upset about unprofessional behavior, like

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being late to meetings. Michigan State University is now teaching

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students how to read social cues and networking conversations. You

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know your generations in trouble when you need a college

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course to learn maybe stop talking when the other persons

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start slowly backing away and get this. A school in

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London is trying out twelve hour school days to prepare

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kids for adult life. That's not preparation, that's a hostage situation.

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What's next? Making Kindergartener's file quarterly reports. Portions of today's

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show were made with the help of Lucy, but also

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with AI that Actually Works and Madonna