Aug. 26, 2024

Make America Healthy Again? At least Beyonce didn't catch Covid at the DNC

Show Notes
Transcript

Seems people whp attended the DNC caught Covid. That's good news for Beyonce who didn't attend.

RFK Jr. wants to make America Healthy Again.

Cheryl Hines dhould date a younger guy with his own podcast.

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WEBVTT

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Calaruga shark media.

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From Washington, DC, where the guy with brainworms wants to

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make America healthy again. This is ballot, that's right, And

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Beyonce is lucky she didn't show up at the DNC

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or she'd have COVID.

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Let's hit this.

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Well, folks, it looks like the Democratic National Convention had

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an uninvited guest this year. And it wasn't Bernie Sanders

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trying to crash the party again.

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And it's sure as hell wasn't Beyonce.

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Nope, it was our old friend COVID nineteen, making a

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surprise appearance and leaving quite the impression on attendees. Seems

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like the Dems were so busy nominating Harris and Biden

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they forgot to nominate someone to be in charge of

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hand sanitizer. Multiple convention goers have reported testing positive for

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COVID after their Chicago adventure. I guess Windy City now

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refers to all the coughing. Christopher Wiggins, a reporter at

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The Advocate, tweeted, when you spend five days in Chicago

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for the DNC and come home with COVID nineteen, womp, womp,

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womp womp. Indeed, Chris looks like he got more than

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just a story at the convention. Human rights lawyer Yasmin

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Tabe chimed in, saying she arrived at the DNC healthy

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and hopeful and left very sick and disillusioned. Wait was

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that COVID or just that the DEMS try to act

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like they are the party of the people while paling

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around with Oprah.

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It's the classic DNC experience.

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Come for the politics, stay for the disillusionment in communicable diseases.

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But the award for most enthusiastic COVID catcher goes to

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Fred Wellman, host of On Democracy pod. He exclaimed, Oh Man,

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I brought home so much sweet swag from the DNC.

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Coffee mugs, stickers, t shirts, poster buttons, bags, pins, and COVID.

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Sweet Fred.

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I hate to break it to you, but that's not

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the kind of positive test result people usually brag about. Ironically,

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this was the DEM's first major in person convention since

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twenty sixteen, because as twenty twenty went virtual due to

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wait for it, COVID. Maybe we need to make America

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healthy again. That's rfk's latest plan. Kennedy took the stage

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and asked the burning question on everyone's minds, don't you

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want a president who is going to make America healthy again?

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Because apparently make America Great Again wasn't quite specific enough.

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I guess great doesn't cover able to touch your toes

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without wheezing. The crowd went wild, probably because they thought

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Kennedy was about to hand out free kale smoothies and

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healing crystals. But no, he was there to talk about

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the fundamentals of good governance, you know, like making sure

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the chemtrails aren't turning the frogs gay. One thing's for sure,

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Kennedy's call to make America healthy again has left a

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lasting impression. And by lasting impression, I mean it's probably

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going to be a new line of maga hats by

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next week. Red ones, of course, because they deflect five

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G signals better. Man, If I were Ryl Hines, I

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dump that loser and data younger guy with his own podcast.

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Remember when Donald Trump called cryptocurrency a scam, Well, apparently

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he's had a change of heart faster than a New

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York Minute. That's right, the man who once couldn't figure

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out how to close an umbrella is now crypto's biggest cheerleader.

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In a twist that's more surprising, than finding out your

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bitcoin wallet password was MAGA twenty twenty. Trump recently spoke

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at a bitcoin conference in Nashville. He told the crowd,

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if crypto is going to define the future, I want

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it to be mined, minted, and made in the USA.

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I haven't seen such a dramatic one hundred and eighty

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since well since Trump's last tweet about well anything.

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But how did this happen? While?

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It turns out a group of bitcoin enthusiasts managed to

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orange pill Trump. For those not in the know, that's

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crypto speak for convincing someone to believe in bitcoin. It's

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like red pilling, but with more digital coins and fewer

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trips down the rabbit hole. These crypto converts reportedly included

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a shadow chief of bitcoin miners, a former California prosecutor,

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and a media ceo. It's like the setup for a

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bad joke. A miner, a lawyer, and a media mogul

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walk into mar A lago. They managed to convince Trump

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that bitcoin is the future, probably by telling him it's

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like golf, but instead of hitting balls into holes, you're.

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Throwing money into digital wallets.

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Trump even declared, we will be creating so much electricity.

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That you'll be saying, please, please, President, we don't want

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any more electricity.

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We can't stand it.

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Sounds like someone's been taking energy policy advice from a

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toddler who just discovered light switches, in a move that's

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about as surprising as finding out water is wet. Trump

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is now accepting cryptocurrency donations for his campaign. He claims

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to have raised twenty five million dollars in crypto related funds.

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That's a lot of digital coins, almost as many as

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the number of times he said fake news in the

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last hour.

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We've got a real life game.

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The Flora is lava happening in Alexandria, Virginia, and JD

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Vance is the kid who won't get off the couch.

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The Republican VP hopeful has managed to tick off his

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neighbors faster than you can say.

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Hillbilly lg audiobook.

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Why because the Secret Service decided to shut down the

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local park and turn his neighborhood into Fort Knox. That's right,

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the Judy Low Neighborhood Park is now off limits. I

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guess the Secret Service was worried about potential threats from

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what rogue squirrels anarchist toddlers on the monkey bars. One neighbor,

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Thomas Blackwood, really brought out the big guns.

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He said, I am.

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All for protecting people, but if that park is such

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a danger, he should probably move ouch. Thomas, that's the

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political equivalent of it's not you, it's me and your

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massive security detail. Another neighbor pointed out that the park

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belongs to the residents of Alexandria. You know, those pesky

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voters who might have opinions about having their jungle gym

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cordoned off like a crime scene.

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But don't worry, folks.

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One level headed commentator reminded everyone that we should be

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proud to have a neighbor running for VP. Yeah, because

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nothing says proud like not being able to walk your

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dog without going through a TSA style pat down the

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cherry on top. Turns out the park is named after

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Judy Lowe, a Democratic activist who, according to a local businessman,

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believed in everything he opposes. Talk about awkward neighbor BBQs, Well, folks,

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it looks like Ben Affleck is trading in his Jenny

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from the block for a Kennedy from the compound. That's right,

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our favorite Boston boy has been spotted hanging out with

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Kick Kennedy, daughter of Robert F. Kennedy Junior and niece

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of jfk Jr. Apparently they've been seen at the Polo

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Lounge in Beverly Hills. Because nothing says keeping it low

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key like hanging out at one of the most famous

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celebrity hotspots in town. I guess the McDonald's drive through

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is too crowded. Now, we don't know the exact nature

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of their relationship. Kick staying mom and Ben's reps are

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probably too busy draft divorce papers to comment.

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But let's be real folks in Hollywood.

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Hanging out his code for we're definitely dating but don't

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want to admit it yet. This news comes hot on

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the heels of j Low filing for divorce from Ben.

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She cited irreconcilable differences as the reason, you know, like

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Ben's irreconcilable need to escape the paparazzi and j Loo's

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irreconcilable need to be followed by them.

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Twenty four to sevenths.

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Apparently Ben freaked out during their Paris honeymoon because of

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all the media attention. Poor guy, It's not like he's

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been a major Hollywood star for decades or anything.

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Who could have seen that coming.

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An insider tells us that Ben is proud of the

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fact that he always has and always will take care

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of himself. Translation, Ben Affleck really likes Ben Affleck and

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isn't afraid to show it. Meanwhile, j Lo is reportedly

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feeling humiliated and furious about the split. She thought they

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were finally going to make it work this time around,

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because nothing says true love like your third attempt at

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a relationship with someone who clearly can't handle your lifestyle.

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So there you have it, folks.

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Ben Affleck from Duncan Donuts runs with j Lo to

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power lunches with a Kennedy. What's next? Will you start

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dating a Kardashian? Only time will tell. Portions of today's

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program were made with the help of AI and hopefully.

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Not with the help of COVID man.

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If I worked for Crooked Media, I'd probably get ninety

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four six days. But the slave drivers here are likely

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just going to tell me to record from home.