Literally Anyone Else now officially running for President

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Calarogu Shark Media from Washington, DC, where the only thing more common than

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politicians breaking promises is tourists breaking a
sweat trying to see all the monuments.

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It's time for Ballot, the podcast
that dares to talk about politics without putting

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you to sleep faster than a c
Span marathon. Hey there, Ballot believers,

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It's time for another episode of your
favorite podcast that talks about politics without

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getting bogged down in all the well
politics, And boy do we have a

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doozy of a show for you.
Today, a New York appeals court reduced

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Donald Trump's bond in his civil fraud
case, originally set at four hundred and

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fifty four million dollars, to one
hundred and seventy five million. Jimmy Fallon

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said, it's the first time someone's
ever heard good news. You only owe

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one hundred and seventy five million dollars. Having ten days to come up with

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one hundred and seventy five million doesn't
sound like good news. It sounds like

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the plot to Adjason Statha movie Seth
Myers went with after his lawyers argued last

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week that he did not have the
money for the four hundred and fifty four

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million dollar bond in his civil fraud
case. Former President Trump posted, in

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all caps on truth social I currently
have almost five hundred million dollars in cash.

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Dude, they're trying to help you. That's like if OJ tweeted the

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glove fits great. John Stewart explained
all this saying, you know what,

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let's take a step back. What
did Trump actually do to earn this penalty.

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Well, it turns out that for
a decade, whenever Trump wanted to

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get a loan or make a deal, he'd illegally inflate the value of his

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real estate, for instance, suggesting
that his eleven thousand square foot penthouse was

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a thirty thousand square foot penthouse.
We all do it. I mean on

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my driver's license, I'm not listed
as five to seven. I'm listed at

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thirty thousand square feet. Stuart added, And the Attorney General of New York

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knew that Trump's property values were inflated
because when it came time to pay taxes,

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Trump undervalued the very same properties.
It's all part of a very sophisticated

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real estate practice known as lying.
Trump's trial is now April fifteenth. Jimmy

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Fallon pointed out the judge picked April
fifteenth because it's tax day and he knew

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Trump wouldn't be busy. In a
recent press conference, Trump spun a tale

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about how he heroically decided not to
list his Trump Media and Technology Group on

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the New York Stock Exchange despite their
desperate please why you ask? Well,

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apparently business people are treated too badly
in New York and he didn't want to

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be attacked by a thug like this
horrible attorney general that we have in New

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York. But wait, there's a
plot. Twist. Turns out the Stock

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Exchange where Trump's companies actually being listed, the NASDAK, is also headquartered in

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New York. In fact, the
NASDAQ and the NYSE are practically neighbors,

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both located in the bustling borough of
Manhattan. So all those pesky New York

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laws and political oversight that Trump was
supposedly trying to avoid, yeah, they

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still apply. Jonathan Macy, a
Yale Law School professor who knows a thing

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or two about corporate law and finance, couldn't contain his laughter when discussing Trump's

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story. He compared it to someone
claiming they were going to avoid shopping at

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Macy's in New York to escape persecution, only to head over to the Bloomingdale's

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next door. Macey quipped, it's
just mind bogglingly nonsensical. I hope somebody

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advising President Trump informs him that the
same investor protection rules that safeguard investors of

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the New York Stock Exchange also safeguard
investors on the Nasdaq stock market, Macy

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said, probably while trying to catch
his breath from laughing so hard. Trump,

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now the presumptive Republican presidential nominee,
shared this bizarre anecdote while lashing out

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at New York Attorney General Letitia James
and Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg for having

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the audacity to bring legal cases against
him. He even claimed that the people

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at the Stock Exchange are very,
very upset, and that the top person

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is mortified about his decision to snub
the NYC. So there you have it.

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Trump's attempt to stick it to New
York by listing his company on a

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different stock exchange has about as much
logic as trying to avoid getting wet by

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jumping from one side of a pool
to the other. But hey, at

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least we got a good laugh out
of it. The firm behind Donald Trump's

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Truth Social is set to go public
at a price that values the mino social

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network at close to six billion dollars. Shares in Digital World Acquisition, the

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vehicle with which Trump's social media business
is combining, surged thirty five percent on

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Monday and have almost tripled in value
since the turn of the year. Trump

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Media and Technology's arrival on the market
sets the stage for the former president to

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reap a paper fortune of more than
three billion dollars if its stock can continue

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to trade at the levels to which
it is surged in recent months. Oh

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boy, it looks like Donald Trump's
Truth Social is about to hit the big

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time. The firm behind the former
president's social media venture is set to go

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public, and they're not messing around
when it comes to valuation. Brace yourselves,

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because apparently this little fish in the
social media pond is worth a whopping

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six billion dollars. Shares in Digital
World Acquisition have been on a wild ride.

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They surged thirty five percent on Monday
alone and have nearly tripled in value

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since the beginning of the year.
It's like watching a roller coaster, but

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instead of screaming passengers, it's just
a bunch of excited investors. If truth

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Social Stock can keep up this crazy
momentum, Trump could be sitting on a

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paper fortune of more than three billion
dollars. That's right, the man who

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once declared bankruptcy multiple times could become
a social media billionaire. And get this,

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the company will trade under the ticker
symbol DJT, using Trump's initials.

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It's like they're saying, hey,
in case you forgot who's behind this,

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here's a little reminder. Well,
folks, it looks like the presidential pettiness

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is in full swing. Just when
you thought the world of politics couldn't get

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any more absurd, we've got Joe
Biden and Donald Trump trading barbes over a

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golf club championship. Joe Biden's campaign
responded to Trump's wild press conference in New

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York on Monday by slamming the former
president as weak and desperate both as a

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man and a candidate for president.
He spent the weekend golfing, the morning

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comparing himself to Jesus, and the
afternoon lying about having money. He definitely

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doesn't have, the statement read,
adding that America deserves better than a feeble,

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confused, and tired Donald Trump.
It all started when Trump took to

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social media to boast about his supposed
victory at his own golf club. In

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a post dripping with humility, he
wrote, it is my great honor to

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be at Trump International Golf Club in
West Palm Beach tonight awards night to receive

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the Club Championship Trophy and the Senior
Club Championship Trophy. And just in case

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anyone missed the point, he added, I won both in all caps,

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because apparently subtlety is for losers.
Enter Joe Biden, who just couldn't resist

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the opportunity to take a swing at
his predecessor. In a statement that can

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only be described as the political equivalent
of a slow clap, Biden replied,

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congratulations Donald, quite the accomplishment.
The sarcasm was so thick you could cut

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it with a nine iron. Now, I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't

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these two be focusing on, I
don't know, running the country and addressing

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the pressing issues facing the nation?
But hey, who needs to worry about

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trivial matters like the economy, healthcare, or foreign policy when there are golf

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trophies to be one and egos to
be stroked. I mean, can you

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imagine the conversation in the Oval office, mister President, we have an urgent

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matter to discuss regarding national security.
Not now I'm busy crafting the perfect snarky

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tweet about Trump's golf game. Well
well, well, it seems like Robert

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F. Kennedy Junior is gearing up
to make a splash in the presidential race.

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The independent candidate is set to announce
his running mate at a rally in

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Oakland, California, and let's just
say, the list of potential VP picks

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is as eclectic as a Coachella lineup. According to Kennedy, he's already made

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up his mind on who will join
him on the ticket. The short list

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reportedly includes attorney and entrepreneur Nicole Shanahan, former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura, NFL

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quarterback Aaron Rodgers, and a host
of other big names. It's like a

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game of one of these things is
not like the other. But hey,

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who says politics can't be a little
unconventional. Kennedy dropped a hint about his

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VP choice, saying they have ties
to the Oakland area. Que the speculation.

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Could it be Nicole Shanahan born and
raised in Oakland or perhaps Aaron Rodgers,

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the former UC Berkeley football star.
The suspense is killing us, But

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why announce a running mate so early? Well, it turns out Kennedy needs

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to get cracking on ballot access.
There are twenty three states where his campaign

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can start collecting signatures as soon as
they name a VP. It's like a

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political scavenger hunt, and Kennedy's goal
is to be on the ballot in all

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fifty states. So far, he's
only managed to secure a spot in Utah,

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but his campaign claims they've gathered enough
signatures in a handful of other states.

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Of course, it wouldn't be a
presidential race without some drama. Democrats

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are accusing Kennedy of being a potential
spoiler who could help Trump defeat Biden.

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As for the type of voters Kennedy
is targeting with his VP pick, he's

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keeping his cards close to his chest. All he said is that he wants

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someone aligned with his values, optimistic
about our country and its potential, and

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able to run the country at a
moment's notice. So basically, a unicorn

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a Texas man has officially changed his
name to literally anybody else and thrown his

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hat into the ring. That's right. He's running for president, and his

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platform is pretty much summed up by
his name. Formerly known as Dustin E,

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this thirty five year old US Army
veteran and seventh grade math teacher from

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the Dallas suburbs is fed up with
the current political landscape. He's so dissatisfied

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with the front runners, Joe Biden
and Donald Trump, that he decided to

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take matters into his own hands.
And by matters, I mean his literal

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identity. Three hundred million people can
do better, he declared, referring to

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the US population. And you know
what, he might just have a point.

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I mean, when your choices are
between a guy who can't seem to

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stay awake during important meetings and another
who thinks he's still the president, it's

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no wonder people are looking for alternatives. But here's the kicker. Literally anybody

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else needs one hundred thirteen thousand signatures
from non primary voters in Texas by May

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to get his new name on the
ballots. That's a tall order considering most

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people probably don't even know one hundred
thirteen thousand people, let alone convince them

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to sign a petition for a guy
named literally anybody else. Undeterred are,

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and the strepid candidate is campaigning for
people to write in his name. We

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don't have a neither option on the
ballot, and this kind of fills that

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role. He explained. It's like
the political equivalent of none of the above,

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except instead of leaving the space blank, you write in a name that

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sounds like a rejected suggestion from a
brainstorming session. On his website, literally

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anybody else declares that he's not just
a person but a rally cry. He's

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taking a stand against the political parties
that put loyalty over governance and leaving Americans

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stuck choosing between the King of debt, Trump's self proclaimed title, and an

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eighty one year old that's Biden.
In case you were wondering. Portions of

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this podcast were created with the assistance
of AI. Until next time, remember

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to keep an open mind, a
healthy sense of humor, and a firm

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grip on your sanity, because if
there's one thing we've learned, it's that

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politics can be a crazy game,
but it's always better when we can laugh

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about it together. Thanks for tuning
into Ballot, trusted source for political news

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with the side of wit. Remember
that sometimes the best way to survive the

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political circus is to sit back and
enjoy the show.