Jan. 15, 2025

LA Burns While DC Churns: Trump's New Agency Don Save America, Michelle's No-Show, and Landlords Gone Wild

A satirical take on today's biggest stories, including Trump's External Revenue Service plan, Michelle Obama's inauguration decision, pink fire retardants in LA, and opportunistic landlords raising rents during the wildfire crisis

Show Notes
Transcript

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Callaroga Shark media.

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From Washington, DC, where avoiding your replacement is now officially

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called pulling a Kamala Michelle, this is ballot, that's right,

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and Trump just made up another agency. I'll call don

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Save America.

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Let's hit this.

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Hi, I'm Patrick Gutfield, and wow, the vice presidential mansion

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drama is getting spicier than a Real Housewives reunion. The

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Naval Observatory is like that fancy Airbnb that keeps getting

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awkward reviews because the previous guests and hosts won't stop fighting.

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So Kamala Harris isn't hosting JD Vance for the traditional

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Here's where we hide the Good Snacks tour. Though to

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be fair, Vance did call her trash during the campaign,

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which is less of a political statement and more of

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what my teenage nephew calls anything.

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He disagrees with.

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Is asked about childproofing the house for their three kids.

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The Navy's handling that now probably thinking we can operate

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nuclear submarines. But installing cabinet locks is where things get

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really technical. Remember when Biden hosted Pence in twenty sixteen,

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that was like the most civil divorce handover in history.

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Here's the key to the thermostat, and whatever you do,

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don't let the Secret Service agents eat the last yogurt

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in the fridge. They never replace it. Then there's the

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whole did Pence invite Harris debate from twenty twenty. It's

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like that group text where everyone claims they sent an

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invitation but nobody can find it. Oh, we totally invited

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you discreetly through a carrier pigeon during a pandemic. Meanwhile,

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Michelle Obama's skipping Trump's inauguration. She's treating this like I

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treat my high school reunions. Technically invited, but suddenly very

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busy reorganizing her sock drawer. She also missed Jimmy Carter's funeral,

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saying she was in Hawaii, which makes sense. You know

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how hard it is to get someone on the phone

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in Hawaii. The time difference alone is like trying to

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coordinate a zoom call with your cousin who lives in

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a time zone called I'll get to it when I

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get to it. Meanwhile, Barack Obama will be attending the inauguration.

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He's like that guy who shows up to every office

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party even though he quit three years ago. Trump wants

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to create something called the External Revenue Service, which sounds

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like the Internal Revenue Services exchange student cousin who wears

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a beret and judges your cheese selection. You know who's

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excited about this, Elon Musk and Vivick Ramaswami, who Trump

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put in charge of his Department of Government Efficiency or DOGE. Yes,

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that's right, the man turned a meme coin into a

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government department. I haven't seen someone try this hard to

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make fetch happen since Regina George Trump says he'll charge

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other countries twenty five percent on everything from Canadian maple

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syrup to Mexican avocados, and sixty percent on Chinese goods

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because nothing brings down inflation like making everything cost more.

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That's just basic economics, which I learned from my degree

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in watching CNBC while at the gym.

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And get this.

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He's calling it his Save America Agenda, which is a

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bit like naming your diet plan operation eat More Cake.

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The Democrats aren't buying it, though. Senator Ron Wyden called

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it a multi trillion dollar tax hike. You can tell

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he's mad because he used both multi and trillion in

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the same sentence.

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But here's my favorite part.

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Creating a new agency requires Congress to approve it, the

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same Congress that can barely agree on what day of

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the week it is. I'm sure that'll go smoothly. It's

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a out as likely as me getting through airport security

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without being randomly selected for additional screening. I haven't seen

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someone try this hard to rebrand something since my cousin

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Tony started calling his basement apartment a garden level luxury suite.

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At least Tony's apartment exists. Wow, Los Angeles is looking

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like a giant gender revealed party gone wrong with all

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this pink fire retardant being dropped everywhere. The stuff is

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mostly ammonium phosphate, which is basically fancy fertilizer, so while

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your house might burn down, at least your lawn will

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look amazing next spring. They add iron oxide to make

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it pink because apparently regular fire retardant wasn't instagram worthy enough.

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They've dropped hundreds of thousands of gallons of this stuff,

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turning Los Angeles into what looks like a pepto bismal commercial.

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And while it might not be great for fish, they

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ban it near waterways unless human life is at risk.

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It's better than the alternative of, you know, everything being

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on fire. At this point, they could drop hot pink

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neon green or rainbow polka dots, whatever keeps more home standing.

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But hey, at least when archaeologists dig up Los Angeles

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in two thousand years, they'll think we had a really

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interesting sense of interior decoration. Whoopy Goldberg is mad about

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politicians playing games with wildfire relief money, and you know what,

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she's got a point. We're talking about Los Angeles here,

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a city where people pay two thousand dollars a month

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to live in what's essentially a converted broom closet with

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vintage charm. Speaking of money, California apparently sends more cash

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to the federal government than it gets back.

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They're like that friend.

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Who always picks up the check at dinner and then

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gets criticized for ordering an appetizer. The other states are

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basically living in California's basement, eating California's food, and then

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complaining about California's lifestyle choices. Republicans want to add conditions

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to the wildfire relief funding, because when your neighbor's house

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is on fire, that's definitely the time to negotiate their

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Netflix password. Oh, your entire life is burning down? Have

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you considered filling out these seventeen forms in triplicate? Will

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be suggested California should just stop sending federal money if

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they get stonewalled on relief funds. That's the governmental equivalent

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of taking your basketball and going home, except in this case,

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the basketball is billions of dollars and the home is

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the world's fifth largest economy. You know things are serious

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when they're talking about canceling award season in Los Angeles.

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That's like canceling oxygen.

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But I guess it's hard to care about who wins

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Best Supporting Actor when your supporting wall is currently on fire.

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And remember, a burning house doesn't care who you voted for.

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Fire is like the most bipartisan thing there is. It's

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just sitting there, going Democrats, Republican.

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It all burns the same to me.

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Some Los Angeles landlords are using these devastating fires as

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an excuse to jack up rents. A five bedroom in

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Santa Monica went from twelve five hundred dollars to twenty

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eight thousand dollars per month. That's not a rent increase,

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that's a hostage negotiation. You've got reeltors out here documenting

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these price hikes like they're collecting evidence for a true

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crime podcast. One agent reviewed four hundred listings and found

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one hundred properties breaking the law. I haven't seen this

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much blatant rule breaking since my cousin Tony started his

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totally legitimate.

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DVD business in two thousand and four.

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In bel Air, someone raised the rent on their tutor

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mansion from twenty nine five hundred dollars to thirty nine

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thousand dollars per month. Even Jason Oppenheim from selling Sunset

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is mad about this. When you you've got reality TV

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stars calling out your moral compass, you know you've really

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crossed the line. That's like having your gambling intervention led

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by Pete Rose. And that's today's news, made with the

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help of AI and Don Save America five stars