Oct. 30, 2024

Joe Biden calls Trump supporters Garbage, Harris manages to make Fortnite as boring as her speeches

Show Notes
Transcript

You're garbage, no YOU'RE Garbage.

Biden messed up and gave Trump a way to get everyone off Tony Hinchcliffe.

Kamala Harris manages to make Fortnite as boring as her speeches.

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WEBVTT

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Calarogu Shark Media from Freedomtown, USA. The most boring part

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of Fortnite this is ballot and hey, how about Joe

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Biden's unforced error giving the ball back to Trump. Way

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to go, Democrats. You guys run an offense as well

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as the Jets. Let's hit this man everyone is still

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talking about Tony Hinchcliff. Stephen Colbert said, it's rare to

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tell a joke so bad that it alters the course

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of human history. The last time that happened it was

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nineteen fourteen, when Archduke Franz Ferdinand was at an open mic.

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Serbian assassins are so ugly their portraits hang themselves. Ha ha,

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that joke killed me, I Joe, World War one is

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starting here. A little pro tip when you're running for president,

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try not to October surprise yourself. Well, folks, Kamala Harris

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just held a rally at the Ellipse, or as Trump

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supporters know it, that place where we got those cool

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January sixth participation trophies. Harris drew a crowd so big

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that street vendors were selling out of merch faster than

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Trump deletes texts. One vendor said he hadn't seen sales

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like this since the ninety six World Series, though to

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be fair, that was also the last time America wasn't

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completely exhausted by politics. The VP went full contrast mode, saying,

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while Trump has an enemy's list, she's got a to

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do list, which honestly sounds way less exciting. It's like

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comparing Game of Thrones to your household chores. Though I

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guess do laundry is better than murder the Lanisters with

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a dragon. And speaking of contrast, Harris promised to give

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her opponents a seat at the table instead of putting

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them in jail. Bold strategy, offering furniture instead of indictments,

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though with Trump's legal bills, he might actually prefer the chair.

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Joe Biden remember him, Don't worry he doesn't either. Well, folks,

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looks like President Biden just pulled to Hillary Clinton two

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point zero and not in the pantsuit way. During what

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was supposed to be a simple get out the vote call,

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Biden decided to spice things up by calling Trump supporters

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floating garbage. I guess when they said Biden would bring unity,

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they meant unifying Trump's base against him. You know you've

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messed up when your own White House has to jump

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in faster than a cat on a laser pointer to

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clarify what you meant. Spokesman Andrew Bates did the political

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equivalent of what he meant to say was, which, let's

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be honest. Is Washington speak for oh crud, someone hide

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grandpa's microphone. And speaking of microphones, Vice President Harris was

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probably backstage at her big unity speech, thinking, really, today,

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of all days, she's out there trying to be miscongeniality,

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saying stuff like I don't believe people who disagree with

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me are the enemy, while Biden's over here basically calling

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half the country Oscar the Grouch. Trump naturally is eating

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this up like it's a well done steak with ketchup.

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His campaign already sent out a fundraising email that basically read,

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first Hillary called you deplorable, Now Biden calls you garbage.

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Next week they'll probably call you expired yogurt. You know

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what they say. One man's gaff is another man's golden ticket.

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And right now, Trump's probably feeling like Willy Wonka if

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Willy Wonka had a spray tan and a really active

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social media presence. It's another wild day in American politics

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where Trump just had to clarify that he's the opposite

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of a Nazi. You know your campaign's going great when

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that's something you need to address at a rally. Ronnie

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Chang asked, But what exactly is the opposite of a Nazi?

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I mean, is it the guy who started Jay Date

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because you're trying to make more Jews? Or is it

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the guy who has like the reverse mustache like everything else,

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but not that part. Jd Vance, fresh off his can't

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we all just take a joke tour, is now upset

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about Nazi comparisons while simultaneously suggesting Harris supports sex change

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surgeries for illegal aliens. That's quite the pivot from Everyone's

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too sensitive to how dare you say these things faster

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than Trump can say I'm the opposite of a Nazi.

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Trump says his father taught him never to use the

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words Nazi or Hitler, which might be the first time

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anyone's accused anyone named Trump of being too politically correct.

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Tim Walls is focused on the issues that matter to

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the voters. You see the Miami Heat unveiled their new

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Dwayne Wade statue, and let's just say it looks less

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like d Wade and more like D who. VP candidate

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Tim Walls jumped in to call it pretty horrific, which

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is the kind of bipartisan criticism you rarely see these days.

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The statue looks so much like Laurence Fishburne that people

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are wondering if the sculptor thought they were commemorating Morpheus

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dunking in the matrix. Wade himself has been super chill

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about the whole thing, basically saying, if you wanted it

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to look like me, I just stand outside. Kamala Harris

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just became the first vice president to campaign in Fortnite,

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and somehow it's even more boring than her regular campaign stops.

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The Harris campaign created what they calling Freedom Town, USA,

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which sounds like what you'd get if you asked an

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AI to design a town after feeding it nothing but

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July fourth merchandise from Dollar General. The map features such

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thrilling attractions as chexnotes a circular racetrack. That's right, they

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managed to make Fortnite a game where you can usually

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ride sharks while shooting Spider Man about as exciting as

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waiting at the DMV. There's also something called Opportunity Carnival,

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which I assume is just a bunch of NPCs explaining

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tax policy while you try to win a stuffed animal.

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The best part Harris is in there talking about her

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twenty five thousand dollars first time home Buyer program to

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an audience that still needs help tying their shoes. Nothing

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says I understand the youth vote, like explaining mortgage assistants

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to people whose allowance is still paid in Pokemon cards.

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What's next? Tim Wall's playing AOC and Madden. When one

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reporter logged in, there were seventy people playing seventy There

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are more people in line at a Starbucks right now.

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Even Tim Walls managed to get more engagement by geeking

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out about his Sega dreamcast on Twitch. At least he

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knows what decade he's living in. Even this dopey podcast

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gets more than seventy people, and portions of this are

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created with the help of AI. You know what would

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have been actually cool a Kamala Harris character. Imagine Twitch

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streamers running around as the VP taking out Darth Vader

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with an AR fifteen. But I guess they decided to

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go with build a house simulator instead, Because nothing says

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vote for me like virtual zoning permits. Speaking of permits,

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I need one to tell more jokes about this. See

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you tomorrow.