Oct. 3, 2024

JD Vance's piercing blue eyes

Show Notes
Transcript

There are two ways to get lost in a dream.

You could listen to Kamala Harris speak and fall asleep, or you could stare into JD's Vance's piercing blue eyes.

Also Trump said some really smart stuff that wasn't at all crazy. We've hot your back Don.

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Calaroga Shark Media from Washington, DC, where Kamala Harris is

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so boring her version of Netflix and Chill is actually

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chilling and watching Netflix. This is ballad. That's right. Harris

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is so boring.

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She makes Tim Walls look like he's headlining at Coachella.

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Let's hit this. Donald Trump is playing hard to get

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with sixty Minutes. The former president has decided to ghost

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America's favorite news magazine faster than a tender date who

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found out you still live with your parents? CBS says

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Trump initially agreed to sit down with Scott Pelly, probably

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thinking it was Scott Bayo, but then he changed his

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mind quicker than he changes his spray tand shade. Meanwhile,

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Kamala Harris is still game for her interview. Apparently she

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didn't get the memo that sixty minutes isn't a new

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TikTok dance challenge. The Trump campaign, in true form, is

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calling it all fake news. They claim sixty Minutes was

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begging for an interview. Yeah, because nothing says please interview

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me like being the most watched news magazine in the country.

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Trump's camp also complained about fact checking during the interview.

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I guess they prefer their facts like they prefer their

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stakes well done and covered in catchup.

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So picture this.

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Trump's in Milwaukee, supposedly there to talk about education, but

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let's be real, Expecting Trump to stay on topic is

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like expecting a toddler to sit still in a candy store.

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He's got signs everywhere screaming school choice and let parents decide.

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But old Donnie boy can't decide what he wants to

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talk about himself. He starts off by warning us about

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election cheating. At least that's a subject don knows something about. Then,

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without missing a beat, He's suddenly talking about a million rambos.

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I don't know about you, but I'd watch that movie.

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But wait, there's more.

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Trump's geographical knowledge is about as accurate as a drunk

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playing darts.

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He mixed up Iran and North Korea.

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I mean they're practically neighbors, right, And don't even get

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me started on his attempt to pronounce you Arab Emirates.

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It sounded like he was trying to order a fancy

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coffee while having a stroke. And in true Trump fashion,

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he enlightened us all about Hurricane Helene coming late in

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the storm season. Apparently climate change is now following Trump's

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standard time.

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But the real kicker.

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Trump claimed he could settle both the Iran Israel conflict

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and Russia's invasion of Ukraine with just two phone calls.

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Two Hello, may I speak to Iran?

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Please? I'm sorry, sir, this is a Wendy's Governor.

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Tim Walls decided to bring a little bit of summer

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camp to the vice presidential debate. That's right, our esteemed

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leader wore a friendship bracelet to the political showdown. Walls

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didn't just stop at channeling his inner tween, Oh No,

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he went full pop culture bingo. In his closing statement,

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he name dropped everyone from Bernie Sanders to Dick Cheney

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to Taylor Swift. I mean, talk about a weird dinner

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party guest list. What's next, Walls? Are you going to

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start quoting mean girls in your policy speeches?

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And let's not forget about JD. Vance.

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While Walls was busy playing dress up, Vance decided to

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make a bold fashion statement of his own with a.

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Glittery, hot pink tie.

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Because nothing says tough on crime like looking like you

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just rated Barbie's closet. But the real winner here Taylor Swift.

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She's managed to insert herself into yet another political conversation

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without even being there. At this rate, we might as

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well just elect her as Supreme Leader of the United

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States and call it a day. So there you have it, folks,

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a vice presidential debate that was part political discourse, part

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fashion show, and part Taylor Swift fan convention. Welcome to

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the twenty twenty four election, where the line between politics

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and entertainment is blurrier than my vision. After watching one

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of Kamala Harris's speeches, I'd like to make some jokes

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about Harris, but Kamala.

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Is so boring.

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Her secret service code name is ambient. I'd tell you

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a Kamala Harris joke, but you'd fall asleep before I

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got to the punchline. Kamala Harris is so boring. Her

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campaign slogan was make America yawn again. They say Harris

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is a heartbeat away from the presidency. Unfortunately, that heartbeats

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flatlining from boredom.

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That's why I'm voting for Trump.

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I need the material well that in the idea that

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when Trump wins, he'll throw all you Harris supporters in.

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Jail, not me.

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Don I've had your back the entire time. I've never

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made fun of you, not even once. How could I

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with your great hair, big manly hands, and the way

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you make sense when you speak. At the debate, JD

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Vance defended Trump so hard I half expected him to

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pull out a life sized cardboard cutout of the Donald

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and start slow dancing with it. But Margaret Brennan would

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have just told you that you were out of time

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three seconds after the record ended and you had sat down.

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The border crisis discussion was a real hoot.

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Vance bragged about visiting the border more than our borders are.

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Kamala Harris, Yes, I mean, my Grandma's been to Taco

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Bell more times than Kamala's been to the border, But okay,

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JD flex those frequent flyer Miles Walls stuck to his guns,

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proudly waiving the pro choice flag. Vance, on the other hand,

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tried to rebrand the GOP as the we love Babies

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and Houses party. Nice try, JD, but I'm pretty sure

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most voters are more concerned with affording diapers than fertility

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treatments right now. In the end, Trump declared Vance the winner,

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shocking absolutely no one. He praised j D's brilliance and

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said Walls embarrassed himself. Coming from the King of self

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embarrassment himself, that's quite the compliment, Tim.

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Apparently, at the debate, JD.

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Vance, the GOP's answer to a Mabelene commercial, stole the

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show with his mesmerizing baby blues. Viewers couldn't decide if

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they were watching a debate or a makeup tutorial. Vance's

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eyeliner game was so strong people started comparing him to

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a young Miley Cyrus, you know, back when she was

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just being Miley, not wrecking balls. Talk about a party

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in the USA. If by party you mean a political debate,

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and by USA you mean Vance's eyeballs. Social media went wild,

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with one viewer tweeting, I just want to know what

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eyeliner Vance uses. He's weird as hell, but my eyes

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are a similar color and I want to make him

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look that good. Well, honey, I hear the GOP's got

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a new slogan, make America's Eyes Pop Again.

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But it wasn't just the eyeliner that had people talking.

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Someone pointed out Vance's nose contour, saying it goes hard.

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Apparently the GOP is now contouring their way to victory.

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Who needs policies when you've got perfect cheekbones?

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Am I right?

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The real question is did Vance borrow his makeup artists

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from RuPaul's drag race or is this just as natural

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I'm trying to hypnotize.

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The voter's look. Either way, it's clear that in this debate,

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the eyes have it.

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And let's not forget Tim Walls, who probably showed up

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thinking he was there to discuss policy, only to find

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himself in the middle of a Mac cosmetics convey. Poor

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guy didn't stand a chance against Vance's sultry side eye.

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So there you have it, folks, the twenty twenty four

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vice presidential debate, where the eyeliner is sharp and the

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political discourses well, let's just say it's not as well

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defined as Vance's eyebrows.

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Portions of today's show were made with the help of AI.

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Which might not even be true, but it's what I

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will tell the secret police come January. Man, I can't

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believe you guys made fun of Trump every day, not me.

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How could I not?

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With his sharp blue suits and red ties, his cool

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cyber currency, And don't forget I have a master's degree

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in communications from Trump University. This is Mac Davies reminding

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you to vote with your head, not your makeup bag.

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Good night, and good luck finding that perfect shade of

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gop blue eyeliner.