April 25, 2025

Ivanka in Space, Alien Bacteria, and the Lego Black Market

Patrick Gutfield skewers Bezos launching celebrities into space, Ivanka's astronaut dreams, astronomers discovering possible alien life, Kimmel blaming liberals for Trump's win, and the underground Lego black market

Show Notes
Transcript

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Callaroga Shark media from space the final Frontier. I always

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wanted to say that this is ballot. We're not actually

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in space, We're in Rome with an expense account. Jeff

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Bezos launched some celebrities into space last week, and apparently

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that wasn't enough attention, because now we're talking about who

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might be next. You know those eleven minutes in space

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that Gail King, Lauren Sanchez, and Katie Perry just experienced,

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the ones where they came back claiming to be astronauts.

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That's like me saying I'm a chef because I heated

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up a hot pocket once. But get this, word on

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the street is that Ivanka Trump might be the next

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person to spend more money on eleven minutes than most

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Americans make in five years. The US Sun is reporting

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she's one of the more likely candidates because she's tight

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with Bezos and Sanchez, so tight in fact, that she

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scored an invite to their wedding in Venice this June.

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Turns out, Ivanka has always wanted to be an astronaut.

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Back in twenty eighteen, she told some actual astronauts, you

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have my dream job, which makes sense both astronauts and

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Ivanka know what it's like to be millions of miles

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away from reality. The deposit that a loan for this

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space joy ride costs one hundred and fifty thousand dollars,

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but when your last name is Trump, that's probably just

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what you spend on golden toilet paper each month. Bezos

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admitted his space company is not a very good business yet,

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but thinks it'll eventually be bigger than Amazon. Sure, Jeff,

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and I think my stand up career will eventually be

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bigger than Jerry Seinfeldts. The Sun is also floating names

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like Leonardo DiCaprio, Rihanna, and Kim Kardashian as potential future

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space tourists, because nothing says solving climate change like burning

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enough rocket fuel to heat a small country just so

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those celebrities can post zero gravity selfies. Speaking of space,

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astronomers just found what they're calling possible alien life on

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a planet with the catchy name K two eighteen B,

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which sounds like a rejected Star Wars droid, or what

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happens when a mountain climber runs out of oxygen. This

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planet is one hundred and twenty four light years away.

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You know what that means We've discovered alien life that

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will never ever have to deal with our tariffs. The

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researchers publish their study on April seventeenth, claiming this massive

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planet might be an ocean world, posting microbial life. That's right,

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after decades of searching the cosmos for intelligent beings, we

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might have found space bacteria. Talk about lowering your expectations.

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These British and American astronomers detected two chemicals in the

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planet's atmosphere using the James Web Space telescope. The chemicals

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are called dimethyl sulfide and dimethyldsulfide. One astronomer, Niku Mattos,

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student from Cambridge, dramatically announced this is a revolutionary moment. Sure,

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finding bacteria one hundred and twenty four light years away

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is revolutionary in the same way finding a penny in

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your couch is life changing. Now, K two to eighteen

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B is roughly eight point six times larger than Earth

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and about seven hundred trillion miles away. To put that

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in perspective, that's approximately the distance between a New Yorker

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and someone who says hello on the subway. The researchers

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aren't officially saying there are Aliens on K two eighteen

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B just that the planet is experiencing a biological process.

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Earth went through billions of years ago, so essentially we've

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discovered a planet going through its awkward teenage phase. When

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Trump heard about the planet, he immediately slapped with a

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two hundred percent tariff. Et can phone home, but it's

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going to cost extra, ladies and gentlemen. The comedy world

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has turned upside down. Jimmy Kimmel, Yes that Jimmy Kimmel,

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who spent years roasting Trump like a holiday turkey, just

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claimed that liberals who've done such a good job of

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viciously attacking comedians are a big part of why Trump

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won the election. In a Rolling Stone interview, Kimmel went

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full row, saying he doesn't put limits on what he

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can laugh at. Apparently those perpetually offended Twitter warriors helped

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put Trump back in the White House. Who knew cancel

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culture would end up canceling the Democrats? Kimmel declared, I

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don't think anybody should be canceled. I really don't, which

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is a shocking position from a late night host on ABC.

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It's like hearing Colonel Sanders suddenly advocate for vegetarianism. The

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late night host also claimed another reason for Trump's victory

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was simple star power. Trump was so much more famous

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than Kamala Harris. He is a celebrity. He is a star.

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He is the most famous person in the world, and

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it's hard to compete with that. Kimmel admitted. This comes

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after years of Kimmel ruthlessly mocking Trump on his show. No,

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I guess we should start preparing for President Kardashian in

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twenty twenty eight. Ladies and gentlemen, it turns out those

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little plastic bricks aren't just painful to step on. They're

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now painful to your wallet too. Some Lego sets are

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selling for thousands of dollars on the secondary market, with

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certain rare minifigures fetching up to sixteen, eight hundred and

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forty six dollars. That's right, You could buy a car,

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or you could buy a one and a half inch

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tall plastic spider man. Tough choice. This plastic gold rush

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has created a dark underworld of Lego crime. Last year,

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burglars hit multiple bricks and minifig stores in California, making

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off with one hundred thousand dollars worth of merchandise. I

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guess you could say they were bricking and entering. Just

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last month, police recovered nearly two hundred stolen Lego sets

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after arresting a burglar connected to a spree targeting toy

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and comic stores across the Bay Area. One store owner

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said Lego theft has really ramped up in the last

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five six years. Apparently thieves are now just walking into stores,

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grabbing boxes and walking out. It's like a heist movie

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if heist movies were incredibly boring. The scarcity is what

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drives the market. According to Lego investor Shane O'Farrell, sets

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only stay on shelves for about two years before production

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stops forever. O'Farrell made five hundred thousand dollars selling Lego

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in twenty twenty three alone. Who knew the path of

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financial freedom was paved with tiny plastic bricks. Some of

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the most valuable sets include a Piper airplane worth nearly

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thirteen thousand dollars, a t Rex kit worth nine thousand dollars,

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and a castle worth eighty five hundred dollars. I don't

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know about you, but I'm heading straight home to check

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my kid's toy box. Sorry, Junior Daddy needs a new

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retirement plan, and just a reminder from the Lego Group

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the plural of lego is lego and never ever legos,

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so if you're planning to steal some, make sure you

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use proper grammar when listing them for sale online