March 26, 2025

I Did Not Have Textual Relations With That Journalist

Show Notes
Transcript

National Intelligence Director Tulsi Gabbard's anti-leaker tweet goes viral just as Trump officials accidentally add The Atlantic's editor to their war plans chat. McDonald's loses its fast food crown to Chinese bubble tea giant Mixue Bingcheng and their fifteen-cent ice cream empire. Plus: Trump's ambitious "Golden Dome" missile defense plan aims to shield America from threats

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Callaroga shark media from Washington, d C. Where if your

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vote isn't in early, it's late. This is ballot that's right.

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And I accidentally added my wife to my group chat

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with my two girlfriends. Oops. National Intelligence Director Tulci Gabbard

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is having a thissue moment after her tweet condemning leakers

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went viral, just as Trump's aides reportedly discussed war plans

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in a group chat that accidentally included wait for it,

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the editor of The Atlantic. On March fourteenth, Gabbard tweeted,

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politically motivated leaks undermine our national security and will not

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be tolerated. She added, any unauthorized release of classified information

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is a violation of the law and will be treated

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as such. She might want to print that out and

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hang it in the White House breakroom. Just eleven days later,

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The Atlantic's Jeff Goldberg claimed he was accidentally added to

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a signal chat where Trump's national security team discussed military

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plans for airstrikes against the Hothies. It's like sending your

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wedding plans to your ex by mistake, except with bombs

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instead of centerpieces. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth denied the allegation,

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saying nobody was texting war plans and that's all I

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have to say about that. That's the government version of book.

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I did not have textual relations with that journalist. At

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a Senate hearing, Gabbard insisted no classified information was shared

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in the chat. President Trump backed her up, saying there

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was no classified information and Signal is an app that

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a lot of people use. Yes, people use it specifically

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because it's encrypted and secure, unlike say, accidentally adding journalists

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to your war planning chats. The tweet has now been

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viewed over four million times, as people point out the

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delicious irony of Gabard's tough talk on leaks just days

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before this epic failed. It's like posting I'm such a

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careful driver right before backing into a police car. Both

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Democrats and Republicans are calling for an investigation, while UMP

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has asked National Security Advisor Mike Waltz to look into

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potential security issues with Signal. Maybe start by checking who's

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in the chat before hitting send. The Trump administration wants

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to build America's very own Golden Dome missile defense system,

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which is basically Israel's Iron Dome, but with a more

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Trump appropriate name. Defense contractors are saying that technology finally

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exists to build this invisible shield of space based radars,

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missile interceptors, and laser weapons over the United States. It

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only took forty years since Reagan first dreamed it up.

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That's government efficiency for you. There's just one tiny problem.

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Israel is roughly the size of New Jersey, while America

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is not. Also, Israel's enemies are right next door throwing

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short range weapons, while America's foes are halfway around the

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world with intercontinental ballistic missiles and hypersonic weapons. Other than

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those minor details, it's basically the same thing. Defense contractors

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who've been salivating over this project for years suggests starting

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with protecting major cities like New York and DC before expanding.

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Jasper predicts some defensive measures could be installed as early

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as twenty twenty six, just in time for the next

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administration to cancel or rename it to something less guilded.

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So how much will this cost? Nobody's saying, but the

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funding plan is heading to the White House at the

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end of the month. Whatever the price tag, it's sure

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to be golden. President Trump just signed an executive order

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about voting that's causing quite the commotion, and by commotion,

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I mean legal experts are having the kind of meltdown

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usually reserved for when someone brings home made potato salad

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to a picnic. This order basically says states can't count

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mail in ballots that arrive after election day, even if

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they were mailed on time. It's like telling someone their

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pizza delivery is canceled because it didn't arrive within thirty minutes,

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even though the delivery guy got stuck in traffic. Trump

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also wants to require proof of citizenship on federal voter

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registration forms. Election experts are saying this is like trying

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to renovate your apartment without asking the landlord. You technically

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can't do it, but that's not stopping him from swinging

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the sledgehammer at the White House signing. Trump said election fraud,

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you've heard the term, will end it hopefully, which is

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kind of like saying you're going to end rain by

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carrying an umbrella. Legal experts are freaking out faster than

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a cat in a cucumber field. UCLA law professor Rick

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Haysen said Trump might not even have the authority to

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order the election assistants commission around. It's like trying to

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boss around your neighbor's dog. You can try, but Sparky

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only listens to one master. Justin Levitt, another election lawyer,

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called most of the order unlawful. So basically, Trump wrote

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a very official looking document that might have all the

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legal authority of a strongly worded YELP review. The real

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kicker states that don't comply will lose federal funding. It's

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the political equivalent of a pair saying because I said so,

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but with billions of dollars at steak. Phoenix is hotter

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than a jalapeno in asauna, breaking records with a ninety

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nine degree March afternoon that has meteorologists sweating through their

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weather maps. Just days after the first day of spring.

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Parts of the West are skipping straight to summer. People

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in San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Phoenix who were bundled

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up last week are now running around in tank tops

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with temperatures ten to twenty degrees above average. Phoenix hit

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ninety nine degrees, smashing the previous same day record of

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ninety six set in twenty twenty two. Not to be outdone,

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Palm Springs reached one hundred degrees, beating its old record

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of ninety seven from nineteen eighty eight. It's like these

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cities are in some kind of twisted competition to see

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who can melt first. But don't worry. Unlike summer heat

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waves that stick around like unwanted house guests, this one

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is expected to pack its bag soon. Much of the

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West swing back to below average temperatures by Thursday, though

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Phoenix might keep things a bit toasty. So enjoy this

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bizarre weather roller coaster everyone. One day you're bundled up

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like an Arctic explorer, the next you're melting like ice

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cream on a sidewalk. Climate change keeping meteorologists employed since

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the Industrial Revolution, McDonald's has been dethrown. Look out, Golden Arches.

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The world's largest fast food chain is now Migxu Bing Chang,

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And if you're scratching your head wondering mix who, you're

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not alone. This Chinese bubble tea and ice cream shop

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has surpassed both McDonald's and Starbucks to become the global

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leader in food and beverage chains, with over forty five

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thousand outlets worldwide. Forty five thousand. That's more locations than

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there are excuses for why the ice cream machine is

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broken at McDonald's. What's their secret? How about soft served

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ice cream cones that cost just fifteen cents? That's right,

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fifteen cents. While Americans are taking out small loans to

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afford a frappucino, people in China are enjoying dessert for

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pocket change. McDonald's is trailing behind with a mere forty

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one thousand, eight hundred and twenty two restaurants worldwide, and

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Starbucks they're in third place with thirty eight thousand, five

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hundred and eighty seven locations. I guess when your coffee

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costs more than a gallon of gas, expansion has its limits. Now,

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before Americans start panicking about Chinese food domination, it's worth

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noting that this ranking is based purely on store count,

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not sales. Most mix of you bing Ching locations are

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in China, with some in Indonesia, Vietnam, and Malaysia. So

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Ronald McDonald isn't exactly on food stamps yet, but still

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forty five thousand stores selling fifteen cent ice cream. That's

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a business model that's clearly working in Asia. Maybe instead

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of supersizing, McDonald should try super discounting. While McDonald's loses

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its fast food crown. Now science is coming after your buttercrown.

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At two breakfast spread portions of today's show were made

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with the help of a big mac Ai and a

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really interesting secret group text chain