Aug. 7, 2024

Guys, it's pronounced Walls

Show Notes
Transcript

Kamabla, Waltz, who's even running?

A look at how the Republicans plan to tear down the hunting, football coach veteran.

Also we started a rumor that RFK is all about beekeeping.

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WEBVTT

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Calarogu Shark Media for Minnesota, where nobody told us the

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guy pronounces his name Walls. This is ballad.

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Yeah, easy for you to say, Patrick, I'm the idiot

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who voiced the entire podcast yesterday without anyone telling me.

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Thanks for nothing, bonus episode, my ass. Let's hit this.

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All right, folks, gather round for the latest political circus act.

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In this corner, we've got Kamala Harris, who just picked

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Minnesota Governor Tim the Walls Walls as her running mate.

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You know, Walls, don't go calling him Waltz for an

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entire episode. You'll sound like an idiot. And in the

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other corner, we've got the Trump camp ready to hurl

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insults faster than you can say beetlejuice three times.

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And I am not falling for that. So what's the

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word on Walls.

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Well, according to Trump's crew, he's about as exciting as

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watching paint dry on a rainy day. Roger Stone, always

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the charmer, said, Unfortunately the guy is so boring he

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dies his Easter eggs white. The Trump team is calling

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Walls incompetent, radical and weird. It's like they're playing political

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mad libs over there. Next they'll be calling him purple,

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fluffy and biodegradable. Walls, not one to be outdone in

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the name calling department, fired back by labeling Trump and

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his VP pick JD. Vance as weird. Oh snap, We've

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got a weird off folks who will out weird whom

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stay tuned. So apparently Donald Trump's team had a whole

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plan to take down Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, thinking he'd

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be Kamala Harris's VP pick q Up Nelson from The Simpsons.

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He's the kid that points at you and says ha ha.

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They were ready to unleash a whirlwind of opposition research,

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like they were gearing up for the super Bowl of

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political mud slinging. There was just one problem. Psych Now

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Tim Walls becomes the new target.

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But here's the thing.

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Trump's team believes his background as a football coach, deer hunter,

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and the National guardsman makes him a tough nut to crack.

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They're worried his everyman.

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Appeal might make it harder to paint him as a

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snooty elitist. Imagine trying to make a high school football

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coach seem like a pretentious snob. It's like trying to

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convince everyone that apple Pie is overrated or that my

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ex girlfriend Norma isn't crazy.

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Spend five minutes with an apple pie and you'll know

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the truth. She's crazy.

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Meanwhile, Trump is now deliberately misspelling Harris's name is Kamabla.

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At least we think it's deliberate. Here's the thing.

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He's gonna spend three months making people think Kamabla is

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the worst, but when they go to vote, they might

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think Kamala is someone else, and since she's not Trump,

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the casuals might click that X nice head trumplah blah.

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Hey, at least he didn't.

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Call her VP Waltz for an entire episode like an

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idiot while three producers stared at him. Maybe I'll have

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to hire one of the ungratefuls who get forty nine

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days off from John, John and Tommy, but I'll warn them.

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The slave drivers over here made me work two weekends

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in July. Philly in August, the city of brotherly love, cheese, steaks,

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and apparently political showdowns. Republican VP pick JD Vance kicked

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off his swing state tour in Philadelphia, marking his territory

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and making sure everyone knows he's not camera shy, unlike

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someone we might know. Yes, Kamala Harris, we're looking at you.

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Harris has been dodging extended interviews like their land mines

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since President Biden dropped out of the reelection race and

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handed her the baton for the twenty twenty four Democratic

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presidential nomination. While Harris has mastered the art of answering

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shouted questions from a distance. Seriously, is she running for

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president or auditioning for a role as a mime? Vance

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is out here holding press conferences like it's his new

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favorite hobby. At a Philadelphia event, he didn't hold back, declaring,

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Kamala Harris, our borders are is asking the American people

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to make her the next president of the United States,

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and yet, for the past sixteen days in counting, the

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American media has been unable to ask her a question.

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Vance Ever, the showman added, now agree or disagree with

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me and President Trump, nobody would dispute that we will

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go anywhere and we will talk to anyone. She's running

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a basement campaign where she refuses to go before the

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free press and actually answer their questions. I guess she

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needs to do spots with the my pillow guy and

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the streaming dude from yesterday whose name I've already forgotten.

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Next up, it's a segment called how the hell do

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the producers of this show expect me to make this funny?

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Today's topic a Virginia man charged with making death threats

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against Vice President Kamala Harris. Yeah, because nothing says comedy

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like unhinged death threats. Thanks producers, do you idiots not

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know by now? We use the uptempo fun music bed

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after the commercial? Sheesh? Anyway, meet Frank, a man who

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apparently has way too much free time and a keyboard

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that's been worn out by hate. According to court records,

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Frank here decided it was a good idea to hop

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on Getter, the social media platform for people who think

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Twitter is to mainstream, and start making death threats. Now,

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Frank didn't just stop at Harris. Oh no, he's an overachiever.

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He reportedly threatened President Biden, FBI Director Christopher Ray, and

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a bunch of Arizona officials because when you're on a roll,

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why not go for a high score. The FBI, showing

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that they don't just catch bad guys in movies, subpoenaed

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Getter and found a whopping four thousand, three hundred and

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fifty nine posts from this guy. Yes, four three hundred

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and fifty nine. I can't even commit to four thousand,

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three hundred and fifty nine steps in a day, but

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this guy managed that many threats. Imagine if you put

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that energy into something productive, like I don't know, knitting

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three hundred and fifty nine messages. That's like what i'd

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get from my crazy ex girlfriend Norma if I put

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my phone down for an hour.

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And what did these posts say? Hey, you're not talking

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to Kate? Are you?

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You better not be talking to Kate? Pat said he

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saw you talking to Kate. Why aren't you texting me back?

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Hello? Are you with Kate?

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Oh? You wanted to know what the suspect's threats said? Sorry,

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I get easily distracted. In one particularly colorful rant, Frank

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reportedly threatened to cut out Harris's eyes, calling her a

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bitch and wishing her a slow, agonizing death. Now I'm

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no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not how you

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win friends and influence people, and it's definitely a way

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to get a visit from some guys from the DC office. Meanwhile,

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we have a story straight out of a bad spy

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thriller picture. This, a Pakistani national with alleged ties to Iran,

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was arrested on charges of plotting to assassinate former President

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Donald Trump and other officials. According to a criminal complaint

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unsealed in Brooklyn Federal Court, this dude, apparently thought he

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was living in a Jason Bourne movie, flew from Pakistan

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to the US to recruit hitmen. Spoiler alert, the hit

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men were actually undercover FBI agents.

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Whoops, Actually I'd watch that movie.

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Someone called Netflix and cast Tom Hanks and Danny DeVito.

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The mastermind's grand plan involved paying these supposed hitmen five

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thousand dollars up front, which is laughably low.

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Seriously, who are these hitmen? Bargain bin assassins? R us?

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Okay, producers, you have anything funny or are we going

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out on two assassination plots? Can we google RFK? Can

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we just make something up about RFK? RFK Junior has

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decided to enter the world of competitive beekeeping. He has

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formed a team called the Hive Mines, consisting of celebrities

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like Tom Hanks, Oprah Winfrey, and bizarrely, Danny DeVito. RFK

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has changed his campaign slogan to bee leave in a

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better future. He promises to install hives on the White

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House lawn and appoint bees to his cabinet.

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Is that a real story? I don't know?

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You tell me was Brainworm's reel? Was driving a dead

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bear to Central Park reel? And how does this guy

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get a woman like Cheryl Hines?

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Anyway?

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Portions of today's program were made with the help of AI,

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especially the part about the bees.

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Oh here's a real RFK story.

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The New Yorkers Claire Malone wrote in a profile of

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Kennedy published Monday that in a recent text exchange, Kennedy

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told one person that Trump was a terrible human being,

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the worst president ever, and barely human. He is probably

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a sociopath, barely even human. Someone called Netflix, I'll watch

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that movie too, which reminds me, I wonder what Kate

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is up to.