Oct. 31, 2024

Fun Fun Fun until the Republicans take the porno away

Show Notes
Transcript

Host Mac Davies was only searching "Lisa Ann" to make sure that he had the jokes factually accurate for today's show. We take things very seriously here.

JD Vance played Magic: The Gathering? Nerrrrrd.

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Calaroga Shark Media from Washington, DC, where incognito mode is

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the way to go. This is Balat. That's right. I'm

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just here on the laptop working on tomorrow's show. I

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don't know what you think I was doing. The door

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was locked so I could focus. Let's hit this. Halloween

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is here and our politicians are really getting into the spirit.

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Donald Trump's going trick or treating as a victim. I mean,

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it's his favorite costume. He wears it all year round,

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though his backup plan was going as a ghost, since

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he's already got experience making documents disappear. And Kamala Harris,

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she's trying to win over voters by promising to make

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America less scary. Good luck with that. Have you seen

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grocery prices lately? The only thing more frightening than inflation

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is the guy at Party City trying to sell you

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a sexy electoral college costume. And Sarah Palin tried that one,

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but it didn't work out too well, although it did

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make for a great porn parody, not that I've seen it,

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Which brings us to today's top story. We've got a

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new front runner for most awkward campaign ad of twenty

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twenty four, and let me tell you it's making those

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medication commercials with people frolicking in fields look subtle. Demcast

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just dropped an ad that's basically Black Mirror meets c Span,

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where a Republican congressman pulls a reverse Santa Claus. Instead

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of bringing presents, he's taking away people's personal time. Talk

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about government overreach. The Heritage Foundation's Project twenty twenty five

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wants to ban adult content nationwide because apparently their vision

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of small government includes checking your browser history. That's right,

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they want government so small it can fit in your phone.

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Trump's campaign is running away from this faster than he

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runs from a deposition, saying they have nothing to do

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with Project twenty twenty five, which is weird because usually

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the only thing Trump distances himself from is paying his lawyers.

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But here's the kicker. According to the ads creator, this

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thing is actually working with young male voters who just

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enjoy the cinematography of your standard movie starring Lisa Ann.

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Turns out, nothing motivates political engagement quite like threatening to

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take away someone's entertainment options. Who knew the key to

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democracy was hiding in incognito mode. This whole time. If

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anyone asks, the reason my search history shows Naylan Palin

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is because I was fact checking the script for today's show. Well, folks,

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breaking news from the things you never expected to hear.

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In twenty twenty four, Department JD. Vance used to be

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a huge Magic the Gathering nerd, and not just any nerd.

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He was the kind who played with banned cards. That's

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like admitting you were the kid who used Game Genie

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on Nintendo and still lost. His favorite card was something

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called Yogmoth's Bargain, which honestly sounds like what Republicans call

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their healthcare plan. The card is so overpowered it's been

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banned in tournaments, which is fitting because nothing says future

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Republican VP using something that's literally been outlawed Vance admitted

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he quit playing at fifteen because girls weren't into Magic

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the Gathering. Shocking revelation there teenage girls weren't attracted to

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guys who spent their weekends trading cards with names like

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Yogmoth's Bargain. Who could have seen that coming. The card

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apparently lets you basically play solitaire while your opponent just

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sits there waiting for the game to end, you know,

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kind of like what the rest of us are doing

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with American democracy right now. Get this, Magic players are

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saying the card represents greed, ambition, dominance, wickedness, the dead

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and undead, vampires, demons, and blood magic. So either Vance

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was revealing his true political aspirations or he was just

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really committed to his goth phase. Even better, a Democratic

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candidate running against Josh Hawley wighed in to say that

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anyone playing this card at the kitchen table was kind

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of a jerk. Finally, some bipartisan agreement in Washington. Everyone

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thinks that guy with the overpowered deck was annoying. And

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let's be honest, picking a card called Yogmoth's Bargain that's

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all about making deals with devils. That's not even subtle anymore.

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That's like naming your pet snake. Definitely not planning to

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bite you. At least he's showing his cards early, folks,

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unlike some politicians who wait until after the election to

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reveal their inner demon lord. The real question is if

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Trump finds out his VP pick used to play magic

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the gathering, will he replace him with someone who at

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least had the decency to waste their youth playing Pokemon

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like a normal person. While Trump was having a three

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hour chat with Joe Rogan, which is like a podcast

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version of War and Peace but with more DMT stories, JD.

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Vance decided to do his own interview with Tim Dillon

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because apparently, when your boss is doing the podcast equivalent

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of a Lord of the Rings marathon, you might as

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well jump on the bandwagon. Vance tried to paint Kamala

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Harris as the vice principal who won't let anyone have

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any fun, you know, because nothing says joy like a

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former president making jokes about being a dictator. It's all

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fun and games until someone loses a democracy. But the

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real comedy gold came when they started talking about the

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Cheneys supporting Harris. Vance sarcastically said, if you really care

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about democracy and human rights, Dick Cheney is your guy,

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which is kind of like saying, if you really care

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about vegetarianism, here's a t rex. Tim Dillon went full

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nostalgia mode, reminiscing about the good old days of Iraq

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Abu Grabe Dick Cheney like he was listing off his

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favorite summer camp memories. You know you're living in bizarre

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times when Dick Cheney is being painted as Democracy's last hope.

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That's like naming Count Dracula as the head of the

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Blood Donors Association. Vance tried to present himself as just

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a regular family man, which is a bit like Darth

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Vader claiming he's just a dedicated father who happens to

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work in upper management, although to be fair, both of

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them did end up choosing the dark side. Nicky Haley

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remember her, don't worry Joe Biden doesn't either. Nicki Haley

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just gave the Trump campaign some advice about toning down

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their overly masculine approach. Coming from someone who spent months

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trying to out testosterone Trump, That's like getting fashion advice

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from someone wearing crocs to a wedding and who knows

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better about losing to Trump by ninety points than Nicky Haley.

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Speaking on Fox News, because where else would you go

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to complain about too much masculinity, Haley suggested that Trump's

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bromance vibes might make women uncomfortable. She also took issue

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with that msg Rally comedian who called Puerto Rico a

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floating island of garbage. You know your joke bombed when

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even Nicky Haley, who spent most of the primary saying

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Trump's right, but is telling you to dial it back. Well, folks,

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turns out Donald Trump tried to get fifty cent to

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perform at Madison Square Garden for a cool three million dollars.

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That's right. Trump wanted in day club guy at his

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rally because nothing says make America great again like a

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rapper whose first big hit was about getting shot nine times.

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Apparently they wanted him to perform. Many men, you know

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that song about people wishing death on you, reel upbeat

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campaign message. There nothing says vote for me like a

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song about surviving assassination attempts. Though, I guess after Butler Pennsylvania,

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Trump's trying to corner the ie survived demographic. Fifty cent

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turned it down, saying he's afraid of politics. When a

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guy who got shot nine times, beefed with Jah rule

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and survived bankruptcy says he's scared of something, maybe we

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should all be worried. The best part. Fifty explained his

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position by referencing Kanye West. When fifty cent is the

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voice of reason in your story, you know things have

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gotten weird. That's like having Pete Davidson give a TED

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talk about healthy relationships. He said he stays away from

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religion in politics because that's the formula for confusion that

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sent Kanye to Japan, which honestly might be the most

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sensible political analysis I've heard this year, though Japan probably

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isn't thrilled about being the timeout corner for controversial celebrities.

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Three million dollars though, that's what about fifty million cent

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and he still said no, that's like turning down a

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chance to do the Super Bowl halftime show because you're

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worried about the NFL's overtime rules. Trump's campaign hasn't responded

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to requests for comment, probably because they're still trying to

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figure out how to make get rich or die trying

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into a campaign slogan without getting sued. Though many men

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wish death would make a pretty accurate title for Trump's

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legal biography. Right now, I guess in twenty twenty four,

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we've reached the point where a guy named after pocket

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Change has more political common sense than half of Washington,

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and that's saying something. Portions of today's program were made

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with the help of AI and Triple X. I have

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to go get some me time in before the Republicans

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take it away.