March 14, 2025

FBI PANIC As Text SCAMMERS Target YOUR WALLET While Southwest DUMPS Free Bags!

TRUMP EYES MILITARY INVASION of Panama Canal as DEADLY Measles RESURGES and Coffee Prices GO NUCLEAR!PATRICK GUTFIELD ASKS: "Did We Just Enter The APOCALYPSE OLYMPICS? And Which Disaster Wins GOLD?"

Show Notes
Transcript

TRUMP EYES MILITARY INVASION of Panama Canal as DEADLY Measles RESURGES and Coffee Prices GO NUCLEAR!PATRICK GUTFIELD ASKS: "Did We Just Enter The APOCALYPSE OLYMPICS? And Which Disaster Wins GOLD?"

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Callaroga Shark media.

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From Panama, where it would be a shame if something

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happened to this nice canal.

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This is ballot, that's right.

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Just give us the canal, Greenland, Canada and maybe some

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parts of Austria while we're at it, and everything will

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be fine.

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Go along to get along. Let's hit this. Hey there, America.

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Patrick Guttfield here with a breaking news alert. The FBI

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is warning about something called smishing, which sounds like what

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happens when you combine smoothies and fishing, but is actually

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much worse for your financial health. These scammers have registered

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over ten thousand domains. Ten thousand. That's not dedication to crime.

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That's a full blown career commitment with benefits and a

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retirement plan.

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So what exactly is this scam?

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Well, cyber criminals are sending fake text messages claiming you

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otoll fees and just like my dating life, it started

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with one bad idea and quickly expanded to include fake

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delivery notifications too. You know who got one of these texts.

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Louisiana Attorney General Liz Murle. Even she was targeted when

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the person whose job it is to prosecute scammers is

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getting scammed the rest of us might as well just

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hand over our wallets directly. The most affected cities include Dallas, Atlanta,

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Los Angeles, Chicago, and Orlando. So congratulations to New York,

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You're finally not number one in something terrible. These scammers

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have gotten so sophisticated that when Apple's I message blocks

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their suspicious links, they just tell people to copy and

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paste the URL instead. That's like a burglar finding your

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door locked and saying, excuse me, would you mind opening

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this for me? My hands are full with all your

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future stolen possessions. One particularly nasty trick when victims try

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to pay these fake toll fees, they get an error

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message saying their card was declined, So naturally people enter

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another card and another. It's like giving a thief your

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house keys, then showing them where you hide your spare

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and then drawing them a map to your vacation home.

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The FBI says, if you get these texts, file a

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complaint check with the actual toll service, and delete the message.

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Or you could just do what I do with all

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my problems, ignore them completely, and hope they go away

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on their own. As if the world isn't horrible enough,

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Southwest Airlines is finally ending its bags fly free policy.

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That's right, After decades of being the rebellious teenager of

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the airline industry, Southwest has decided to grow up and

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start charging for checked bags like everyone else. This policy

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change will apply to flights booked after May twenty eighth,

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which means you have about two months to cram as

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many free bags onto Southwest planes as physically possible. After that,

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you'll be paying thirty five to fifty dollars per bag,

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just like the common folk on United or American Airlines.

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Southwest CEO Bob Jordan had pre obviously said the airline

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had no plans to abandon the freebag policy, estimating it

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would cost the company one point eight billion dollars in

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lost market share, But apparently Southwest decided that looking just

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like any other airline was the way to go. Southwest's

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marketing slogan was literally transparency about not charging hidden fees.

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That slogan aged about as well as milk in the

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Texas Sun. The airline claims these changes are meant to

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attract new customer segments and return to the levels of

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profitability that both we and our shareholders expect. Translation we

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need more money and your bags are now our ATM

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one economics professor said, it seems as though the soul

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of the company has just been taken away. Look, professor,

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we all know the feeling every single day. Meanwhile, the

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global coffee market is an absolute chaos, with traders and

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roasters cutting purchases to the bare minimum. After Arabica coffee

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futures skyrocketed seventy percent since November. It's like the entire

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coffee industry collectively spilled hot coffee.

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In their laps and is now frozen in shock.

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At the National Coffee Association convention in Houston, everyone was

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walking around like zombies, caffeinated zombies with empty wallets. One

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instant coffee maker from Ecuador said they've only sold thirty

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percent of their annual production, when normally they be sold

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out by March. I guess when coffee prices give you

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the jitters, you stop buying it. The price spike comes

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from lower production in major growing regions, especially Brazil, So

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now everyone's buying hand to mouth, which is industry speak

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for I'll take exactly.

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Three beans, please no more.

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A coffee broker described the new ultra cautious buying process.

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In Brazil, you close a deal, then you have seven

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days to go to the farm, check the quality, make

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the payment on site, and drive away with the coffee.

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It's like coffee has become such a precious commodity that

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people are treating it like they're buying diamonds from a

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sketchy dealer in an alley. Some roasters say their clients

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aren't sure they can stay in business because supermarkets are

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refusing to accept higher prices. Negotiations are dragging on, and

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some stores are actually running out of coffee. Imagine walking

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into your local grocery store and seeing empty shelves where

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the coffee should be. That's not a nightmare, that's the

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actual apocalypse. Coffee warehouses near US ports are at half

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their normal volumes, and some storage companies are canceling their

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leasing contracts early. It's so bad that one executive called

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it a nightmare, which is what most people call mornings

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without coffee. Anyway, the market could see consolidation, with only

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the biggest, most well funded companies surviving. Meanwhile, Lewis Dreyfus

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says coffee planted areas are expanding in response to higher prices.

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If Brazil manages one big crop. Combined with these new

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planted areas, prices could collapse, which would be great for consumers,

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but devastating for all those new coffee.

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Farmers who just planted trees.

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I hear Starbucks is considering replacing their baristas with therapists

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to help customers cope with the.

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Emotional trauma of paying twenty dollars for a latte.

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So the CDC is sounding the alarm about measles making

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a comeback tour across America. That's right, fifty eight cases

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reported in sixteen states so far this year, which is

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already as many as we had in all of twenty

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twenty three, and it's only March. Measles is working harder

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in twenty twenty five than most of us with our

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New year's resolutions. The CDC says most of these cases

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involved international travel, which means measles has a better vacation

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schedule than the average American worker, and the majority of

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cases are among children aged one or older who didn't

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get their measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine. Apparently, these kids'

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parents decided to opt for the find out approach rather

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than the prevention approach to infectious disease.

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The CDC reassures.

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Us that given currently high population immunity against measles in

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most US communities, the risk of wide scale spread is low,

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but they also warned that pockets of low coverage leave

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some communities at a higher risk for outbreaks. Translation, we're fine,

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unless we're not fine. Very helpful, CDC. This news comes

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right as RFK Junior is telling PepsiCo to remove artificial

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dies from their products, while conveniently forgetting to mention his

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own controversial views on vaccines. Maybe he could focus less

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on the red dye in our doritos and more on

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the red spots covering unvaccinated children.

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Breaking news from Washington.

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President Trump has announced he's reclaiming the Panama Canal, which

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is apparently something presidents can just decide to do.

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Now.

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It's like walking into your ex's house twenty five years

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after the divorce and saying, I've decided I want the

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couch back. The White House has directed the military to

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draw up options ranging from let's be friendly partners to

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remember that time we invaded in eighty nine. You know

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you're in trouble when your options include seize by force.

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As the plan B Admiral Alvin Holsey presented these strategies

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to Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who's planning a trip to

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Panama next month. I'm guessing his luggage will include one swimsuit,

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some sunscreen, and detailed invasion plans, just vacation essentials. Trump

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reportedly wants American troops to be visible in the canal

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zone as a show of force, because nothing says good

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neighbor policy like stationing heavily armed soldiers next to your

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sovereign waterway. It's the international relations equivalent of standing on

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someone's lawn with a baseball bat saying nice canal, you

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got here.

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Shame if something happened to it.

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Portions of today's show were made with the help of

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smishing AI and a disease which we have a vaccine for,

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but people are too stupid to take