April 4, 2025

EXPOSED: Trump TAXES PENGUINS While Springsteen DEMANDS $350 for REJECTED Songs!

Show Notes
Transcript

Patrick Gutfield DESTROYS Trump's penguin tariff madness and Wall Street MELTDOWN! Plus, Bruce Springsteen wants $350 for songs nobody wanted in the first place! Catch the show Washington elites DON'T want you to hear as Patrick exposes the TRUTH about empty islands paying taxes and overpriced rock star nostalgia! America's favorite political comedy that tells it like it is!

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Caalaroga shark media.

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From the McDonald Islands, where you can tariff us, but

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you can't stop us from podcasting. This is ballot the

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McDonald Islands. I bet Trump thought it was McDonald's island.

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That sounds like his version of a Jeffrey Epstein fantasy,

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but with less shady stuff and more fries. Donald Trump's

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new tariffs are so comprehensive they include a remote Antarctic

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island inhabited almost exclusively by penguins. That's right, the president

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has declared economic war on flightless birds. The penguins couldn't

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be reached for comment, but I'm guessing their response would

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be squawk. An Australian territory in the Southern Ocean made

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Trump's tariff list despite having zero trade with America last year.

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None.

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That's like me putting a restraining order on Brad Pitt.

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It's completely unnecessary and frankly, he doesn't know I exist.

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And be clear, the McDonald Islands have nothing to do

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with the fast food chain. There are no golden arches,

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no happy meals, and certainly no mcflurry machines that are

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mysteriously always broken. Norfolk Island another Australian territory got slapped

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with a twenty nine percent tariff, compared to just ten

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percent from mainland Australia. When asked about this, Australian Prime

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Minister Anthony Albanisi said, I'm not sure what Norfolk Island's

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major exports are to the United States.

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Neither does Norfolk Island.

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Their main industry is tourism, mostly Australians visiting other Australians.

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Trump's tariff chart is like a drunk person throwing darts

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at a world map. The Falkland islands got hit with

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forty one percent, while Britain only got ten percent. Reunion

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Island of French territory faces thirty seven percent, compared to

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France's twenty percent. Svalbard and yan Mayn, Norwegian territories near

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the Arctic, also made the list. Jan Mayan Island has

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no permanent population. The only people there are eighteen staff

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members at a weather station. Trump just put a tariff

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on weather reports from an empty island. Gibraltar. That giant

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rock at the southern tip of Spain also got slapped

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with a ten percent tariff. It's taller than the Empire

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State building, which means We've now taxed something that King

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Kong would climb if he ever went on a European vacation.

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The White House didn't respond when asked why these remote

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territories were included or why they face different rates than

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their parent countries. I'm guessing the explanation is something along

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the lines of we saw them on a map once

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and thought, why not sleep soundly tonight? America, those penguin

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imports from Herd Island that were flooding our shores and

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stealing our jobs will finally be subject to a ten

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percent tax. And if any polar bears from Spalbard try

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to undercut American workers with their cheap labor and fish

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catching skills, they'll pay the price too. Next week, Trump

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puts a twenty percent tariff on it Atlantis and a

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fifteen percent tariff on.

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Narnia's wardrobe imports.

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Trump's speech about these tariffs was so full of false

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statements that fact checkers are now eligible for overtime pay.

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It's like he grabbed a handful of numbers, threw them

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at the wall, and whatever stuck became official economic policy. First,

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he claimed America has been sitting on the sidelines while

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other nations got rich at our expense. Apparently, having the

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world's largest economy and a GDP per capita of nearly

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ninety thousand dollars means were practically a developing nation. It's

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like a billionaire complaining that his solid gold toilet isn't

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gold enough. Let's be clear about what tariffs actually are.

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They're taxes, and who pays them.

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We do.

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It's like putting a me tax on yourself and then

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blaming your neighbor. Economists agree that tariffs are passed on

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to consumers faster than a hot potato at a kindergarten

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birthday party.

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Trump claimed the.

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US only charges other countries two point four percent on motorcycles,

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while Thailand charges sixty percent, India charges seventy percent, and

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Vietnam charges seventy five percent. Turns out India actually charges

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fifty percent, not seventy, and they're lowering it to forty.

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Math is hard when you're making things up. And here's

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my favorite part. Trump said, the Great Depression would have

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never happened if they had stayed with the tariff policy.

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Historians actually believe the Smooth Hally Tariff Act of nineteen

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thirty worsened the depression because it.

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Started a global trade war.

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That's like saying the best way to put out a

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fire is with more fire and maybe some gasoline for

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good measure. He claimed we lost ninety thousand factories since NAFTA.

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The Census Bureau's data shows that about a third of

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those factories employ four or fewer people. That's not a factory,

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that's my cousin Eddie's garage where he refurbishes lawn ornaments.

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And let's not forget when Trump declared I took in

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hundreds of billions of dollar from China in my term.

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Customs records show it was about seventy five billion dollars,

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most of which was paid by American consumers, and he

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had to spend twenty eight billion bailing out farmers hurt

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by China's retaliation. That's like bragging about winning a poker

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game where you bet one hundred dollars one twenty and

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then had to buy everyone dinner. He also said China

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never paid ten cents to any other president. Apparently he's

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never heard of the Tariff Act of seventeen eighty nine,

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signed by George Washington when trade with China was already established.

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Tariffs on China have generated at least eight billion dollars

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every year since two thousand and nine. But why let

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history get in the way of a good story. Wall

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Street is having a meltdown that makes your average toddler

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at Toys r US look composed. The S and P

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five hundred dropped four point three percent on Thursday. That's

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the market equivalent of finding out your ex is dating

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someone who's both better looking and funnier than you while

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frantically checking their stock apps. Apple shares tumbled nine percent,

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one of its steepest drops since twenty nineteen. I guess

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even trillion dollar companies get the blues sometimes. And now

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Bruce Springsteen is releasing seven lost albums all at once

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in June seven. That's not a music release, that's a

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hostage situation for your ears. The Boss announced the lost albums,

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containing eighty three tracks recorded between nineteen eighty three and

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twenty eighteen. Seventy four of these songs have never been

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heard before, which might explain why they were lost in

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the first place. Even Bruce forgot where he put them.

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Bruce said, I often read about myself in the nineties

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as having some lost period, and I really, really I

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was working the whole time. Sure, Bruce, that's what I

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tell my boss when I haven't answered emails for three days.

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I wasn't ignoring you. I was creating content for my

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future memoir. During the pandemic, Bruce apparently finished everything in

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his vault while the rest of us were making sourdough

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bread and watching Tiger King. Bruce was like, you know what,

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let me just release seven albums worth of material I've

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been hoarding since Ronald Reagan was president. The box set

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comes as a nine LP vinyl package for three hundred

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and forty nine dollars and ninety eight cents or a

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seven CD set for two hundred ninety nine dollars and

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ninety nine cents. Because nothing says working class hero like

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charging more than most people's weekly grocery budget for your

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b sides and rejects.

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It's a good thing Bruce is born in the.

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USA, or these albums might have a tariff slapped on them,

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or maybe Springsteen would be deported back to where he

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came from, which is, of course, either New Jersey or

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El Salvador, depending on who is running the government. The

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set includes a one hundred page cloth bound hardcover book

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I haven't seen a musician pad they're released this much

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since Kiss put their faces on coffins?

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What's next, Bruce?

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Will your eleventh album come with a Springsteen themed retirement plan?

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According to the press release, the collection includes film soundtrack.

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Work for a movie that was never made.

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Oh great, now we're paying for the soundtrack to a

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movie that doesn't exist. That's like buying tickets to see

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a concert where the band doesn't show up, but they

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still send you a T shirt. Those tracks must be

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real bangers. If even Bruce's buddies were like, hey man,

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any chance we could listen to literally anything else tonight.

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The comments on the announcement are largely critical, focusing on.

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The high price tag you don't say.

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Turns out the streets of Jersey aren't the only things

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that are on fire, so are Bruce's pricing strategies. Portions

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of today's program were made with the help of Rosalita

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Ai and an island where nobody actually lives.