Sept. 10, 2025

CSI: Epstein — The Trump Birthday Letter Mystery

Show Notes
Transcript

Trump says he didn’t write Epstein’s 2003 birthday letter and definitely didn’t draw the woman’s silhouette on it. The signature looks familiar, Democrats are giddy, and the White House suddenly wants forensic CSI on speed dial.

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Callaroga Shark media from Washington, DC, where please don't send

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me a birthday card. Really, it's okay, this is vallid.

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Like I've been saying, release the Epstein files, you coward.

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Let's hit this. I'm Patrick Gutfield, and well, the House

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Oversight Committee dropped another batch of Jeffrey Epstein documents, and

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unlike last week's snoozefest, this one actually has news. Actual

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Call your Lawyer news the headline. We finally get to

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see the infamous two thousand and three letter signed in

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Donald Trump's name for Epstein's fiftieth birthday. Yes, that letter,

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the one the Wall Street Journal teased back in July,

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and folks, it's weird. It's like someone let Penthouse form

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mad libs and a cocktail napkin do a collab. Trump,

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of course says it's fake. He's suing the journal over it,

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because Trump treats lawsuits like pokemon. Gotta catch them all.

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But here's the awkward part. The letter came straight from

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Epstein's estate, meaning Epstein kept it, meaning probably not fake.

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And the signature it matches Trump's from the early two thousands.

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It's the same little loopy cursive the same long tail

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on the d It's basically the Trump signature cinematic universe.

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And get this, the letter isn't just signed. It has

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a doodle, a drawing, a little silhouette of a woman.

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Trump's defense, I don't draw, buddy, you do draw. We've

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seen your doodles. You draw like a bored seventh grader

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during detention. There's probably a Trump drawing of missus Trump

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on the back of a mathworksheet somewhere. And wait, Epstein's

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birthday book. Yes, Epstein had a birthday book, because nothing

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says totally normal human being like scrap booking your fiftieth

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alongside sex crimes. Has another gem, a photo of Epstein

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holding a giant novelty check made to look like it's

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from Trump. Next to it a note saying Jeffrey showing

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early talents with money plus women. Was Trump actually involved

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in that joke? Maybe? Maybe not, But if you're the

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White House right now, this is the kind of photo

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you don't want CNN running during dinner. As for the

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rest of the documents, a mix of loud notes, weird gossip,

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and reminders that Epstein's Rolodex was basically a VIP list

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for the morally flexible birthday letters from Bill Clinton, Alan

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Dershowitz Everybody's least favorite party guests. Clinton's office said he

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cut ties with Epstein years ago. Dershowitz said he doesn't

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recall what he wrote, which is lawyer code for dear God.

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I hope my note didn't start with dear Jeffrey. The

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White House says it's totally fine if we bust out

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the crayons, the magnifying glass, and a CSI level team

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of signature experts to prove that Donald Trump did not

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sign Jeffrey Epstein's creepy fiftieth birthday card. Spokeswoman Caroline Levitt

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told reporters, quote, the President did not write this letter.

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He did not sign this letter. And she said it

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the way you tell your kid you definitely didn't eat

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their Halloween candy. The White House says they're fine with

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a forensic analysis of the signature. If the FBI's handwriting

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lab could talk, they just sigh and say not again. Meanwhile,

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Democrats are like, look, we're not saying Trump signed it.

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We're just saying, here's a letter in Epstein's scrapbook with

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Trump's name on it. A woman doodle and a note

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about secrets. Trump unveiled his newly renovated White House Rose Garden,

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and folks, it looks less like Camelot and more like

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mar A Lago North. On Friday, Trump hosted a dinner

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for his inner circle, VPJD Vance, Cabinet members, some congressional

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allies to christen the new patio space. And yes, it's

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not a rose Garden anymore. It's officially branded as the

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Rose Garden Club at the White House. Trump addressed the renovations,

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telling guests, we have worked very hard to bring it

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to fruition. It's something that I think we're all going

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to enjoy for many, many years to come. It's a

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tremendous place. Translation. We paved over history so my donors

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wouldn't sink into the grass while wearing ferragamos. And yes,

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he literally paved over a big section of JFK's famous

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lawn to build what is essentially a giant concrete patio. Why.

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In a March Fox News interview, Trump explained, you know,

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we use the rose Garden for press conferences, and it

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doesn't work because the people fall, women with the high heels.

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It just didn't work. Ah. Yes, the founding fathers dreamed

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of liberty, justice, and a slip resistant patio so women

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in stilettos wouldn't face plant on c SPAN. Sources even

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told People magazine that the Trumps would prefer to be

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in Palm Beach, So they're basically turning the White House

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into a mar A Lago franchise location. At this rate,

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the Pentagon's going to get a tiki bar. There are plans,

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and I swear I am not making this up up

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for a ninety thousand square foot ballroom on top of

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the East Wing. Ninety thousand square feet that's bigger than

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most American malls. Soon, the State of the Union will

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be delivered between a DJ booth and a chocolate fountain.

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The whole vibe screams, we'd rather be at mar A Lago,

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which fair, But maybe don't turn the White House, a

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literal symbol of American democracy, into a knockoff Palm Beach

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resort where the drinks cost forty five dollars and the

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dress code is dictator chic. And think about it. Would

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you want to be part of any club Trump belongs to?

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What happens if he sends you a birthday card? Portions

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of today's show were made with the help of AI