Convention Chaos: Trump’s Hallmark Drama, J.D. Vance’s VP Dreams, and Pod Save America Soap Operas (Live from Milwaukee RNC)

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Caalaroga Shark Media from Milwaukee's p ffiser
form where seriously they credentialed this show.

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This is ballad, that's right.
Somehow they gave me an all access press

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pass, so I might as well
use it. Let's hit this well as

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you can hear. There's really no
reason to be in a convention center this

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early in the morning. It looks
like the Trump family has decided to turn

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this assassination attempt into a Hallmark movie
script. Milania Trump, suddenly channeling her

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inner poet, described America as a
gentle nation with tattered fabric. She went

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on to say that the assassin saw
Donald as an inhuman political machine, which,

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let's be honest, is probably the
nicest thing anyone said about him in

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years. Trump himself called on Americans
to show their true character. I'm assuming

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he means the character we show when
we're not storming the Capitol or tweeting.

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At three am, Trump called on
the country to show our true character as

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Americans, remaining strong and determined and
not allowing evil to win, which makes

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me wonder who he's voting for.
The Russian propaganda machine is working overtime churning

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out conspiracy theories faster than a teenager
can type. Lol. Apparently the Democrats

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and Ukrainians have joined forces in a
sinister plot to take down the Donald,

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because when you think master assassins,
you naturally think of the party that can't

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even agree on a lunch order and
a country currently fending off an invasion.

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Stay tuned for more breaking news from
the Kremlin's comedy club. Up next,

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how the CIA is using five G
to control your pet hamster. Everyone is

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talking about JD. Vance. I
thought JD and Vance were the replacement guys

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on season five of The Dukes of
Hazzard, But no, Apparently he's a

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real guy who could be the vice
president, and if Trump gets elected and

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changes all the laws, he could
be king. JD reigning from around twenty

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thirty until twenty sixty nine, the
man who went for from Hillbilly elegy to

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Trump apology faster than you can say
book deal, is now a front runner

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for Trump's VP pick. That's right, the same guy who once called Trump

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reprehensible is now practically begging to be
a sidekick. Even Marco Rubio is like

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ass kisser. Vance's journey is like
a reverse Cinderella story. He went from

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Yale Law School to venture capitalism,
then decided to trade in his glass slippers

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for a maga hat. I guess
when the clock struck midnight, his principles

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turned into a pumpkin. Now Vance
claims he was wrong about the guy.

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Yeah, and I'm sure it has
nothing to do with his Senate campaign or

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the fact that Trump's endorsement is hotter
than a deep fried stick of butter at

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the Ohio State Fair. Vance is
the talk of the town folks. He's

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young, he's eloquent, and he's
from Ohio, a state so swingy it

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could host a nineteen fifties dance competition. But let's not forget this is the

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same guy who once called Trump America's
hitler, which, come to think about

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it, sounds like a singing competition
on fire. But hold your horses,

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because Vance might just be twenty twenty
four's Chris Christy, you know, the

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guy who thought cozying up to Trump
would land him a cushy White House job,

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only to end up with a case
of COVID and a serving of public

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humiliation. It's like political squid game, but with less subtlety. Vance's journey

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from Yale Law to maga cheerleader is
more twisty than a pretzel logic. At

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this convention, He's gone from criticizing
working class culture to claiming he's their champion

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faster than you can say cognitive dissonance. But here's the kicker, folks.

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Trump likes to pick his team based
on who looks the part. And let's

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be honest with that baby face and
beard. Vance looks less vice president and

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more hipster barista who'll lecture you about
coffee sourcing. So will Vance be Trump's

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chosen one or will he join the
long list of hopefuls who've been Trump dumped.

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Stay tuned, folks. In this
political circus, the only thing we

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can predict is unpredictability and maybe a
few more flip flops than you'd see at

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a Florida beach party. Well,
folks, it looks like The Daily Show

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is pulling a French exit on Milwaukee
faster than you can say cheese curd.

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John Stewart and his merry band of
political satirists have decided that covering the Republican

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National Convention from ground zero is about
as appealing as a Wisconsin winter in July.

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They've opted to watch the spectacle from
the safety of their New York studios,

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where the only thing they'll have to
dodge are over zealous interns in stale

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bagels. The show cited logistical issues
and the evolving situation in Milwaukee as reasons

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for the change. Translation, We'd
rather not be in the splash zone when

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things inevitably go off the rails.
On the other hand, they aren't in

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an empty arena like I am right
now. Meanwhile, the pod bros at

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Podsave America are being all whiney again. Why did someone tell them to show

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up at a convention cet at three
in the morning so we could get a

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podcast out for morning rush hour,
folks. We've got a real soap opera

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brewing on the left, and it's
juicier than a Wisconsin bratwurst. The Pods

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Save America bros are in a tizzy, and it's not because they ran out

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of craft beer. Jon Favreau and
Dan Pfeiffer, Obama's former word wizards,

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are feeling the heat from Team Biden. Apparently, these elitist pod bros had

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the audacity to suggest that maybe,
just maybe Joe Biden might not be the

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strongest candidate to face Trump, Cue
the gasps. Biden's team fired back,

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essentially calling them out of touch ivy
league snobs who don't understand the scrappy kid

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from Scranton, because nothing says man
of the people like being defensive about your

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blue collar cred while your check's notes. President of the United States Feiffer,

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bless his heart, tried to keep
his cool but ended up dropping more f

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bombs than a sailor at a stub
toe convention. He's effing infuriated that team

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Biden thinks this is personal. Newsflash, Dan, in politics everything's personal,

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especially when you're criticizing the big cheese. Meanwhile, Favre so worked up you'd

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think someone stole as kombucha. He's
telling Biden to focus on beating Trump instead

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of picking fights with podcasters. Fold
strategy, John, Let's see if it

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pays off. We'll have plenty to
make fun of this week, folks.

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We've got a real smorgas board of
speakers lined up. It's like someone threw

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a dart at a wall of celebrity
headshots and said you're in first up.

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We've got Dana White, the UFC
head honcho, because nothing says presidential like

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a guy who organizes cage fights.
But wait, there's more. Amber Rose

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is speaking. Yes, that Amber
Rose. She's gone from calling Trump an

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effing idiot to jumping on the MAGA
train. Next stop crazy Town, watch

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the Closing Doors. Even JD Vance
is like sellout. And don't forget Savannah

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Chrisley from Chrisly Knows Best, because
when you think criminal just reform, you

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naturally think of reality TV stars whose
parents are in prison for fraud. It's

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like Orange is the new Black,
but with more spray to hands. We've

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also got some unc fratbrose who protected
a flag. Because if there's one thing

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this country needs, it's more insights
from college guys who peaked in their sophomore

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year. And of course Donald Trump
Junior will be there, probably to remind

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us all that nepotism is alive and
well in American politics. Meanwhile, don't

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forget that whole Joe Biden should pull
out subplot as the Podsave America guys try

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to encourage Joe to post his resume
on zip recruiter. Portions of today's show

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were made with the help of AI, apparently including the part of reading today's

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schedule and missing the nothing is happening
yet part more from Milwaukee tomorrow, but

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maybe a little later in the morning.