Jan. 31, 2025

CHAOS ALERT! Trump's Trade War EXPLODES as Canada Threatens 'Forceful' Response! (Plus: The Great Email Signature Purge of 2025!)

Show Notes
Transcript

The federal government melts down over pronouns in email signatures while Trump plays chicken with our biggest trading partners! Will Canada unleash its "forceful but reasonable" revenge? Did the feds just copy-paste Elon's homework for their buyout plan? Join Patrick Gutfield for a wild ride through today's absolutely bonkers news as we break down how the government is running like a chatbot with a grudge. From mysterious external emails to tariff threats flying faster than a Twitter edit button, this episode has more plot twists than your cousin's third wedding. Plus: Why the Department of Transportation had to pause their plane crash response to update their email signatures. You literally can't make this stuff up!

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Callaroga Shark Media.

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From Washington, DC, where poutine just got twenty five percent

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more expensive.

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This is ballot. That's right. I'm your host, Patrick Gutfield

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him her. Let's hit this.

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So the Trump administration is really tackling the big issues

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facing America right now.

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Email signatures. That's right.

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They've ordered federal employees to remove pronouns from their email

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signatures by five pm today. Nothing says efficient government quite

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like making thousands of federal workers drop everything to update

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their outlook.

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And the timing perfect.

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The Department of Transportation got this order the same day

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they're dealing with a plane crash in DC. That's like

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your boss making you reorganize the office filing system while

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the building's on fire. Picture this, You're at the CDC

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fighting whatever new supervirus is trying to kill us this week,

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and suddenly, bang, urgent memo, stop everything. We need those

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pronouns gone by five pm. The best part they sent

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out detailed instructions on how to edit email signatures, because apparently,

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changing your email signature is such a complex task that

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our nation's top scientists and engineers need a step by

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step guide. Step one, locate the keyboard, Step two try

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to remember which one is the delete key. And there's

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this one CDC employee who's been there for over ten

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years who said they've never been told what to put

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in their signature before, which really makes you wonder what

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were people putting in their email signatures that needed this

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level of government intervention. Jim Johnson, Department of Transportation. He

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him proud owner of the world's largest rubber band ball.

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They're even turning off the feature that asks for pronouns

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and outlook. You know you're serious about something when you're

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willing to mess with Microsoft Office settings. That's like the

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government equivalent of trying to fix your car by hitting

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it with a hammer. You know how sometimes you tell

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people you're definitely coming to their party, but you keep

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adding weird conditions. That's basically Trump's approach to these tariffs.

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Right now.

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He's got this big February first deadline coming up that's

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tomorrow for tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and China. Now, on Thursday,

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Trump says he's absolutely putting twenty five percent tariffs on

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Canada and Mexico. Absolutely happening. But then he goes except

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maybe for oil stuff. That's like saying I'm definitely coming

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to your wedding, but I might not if you serve chicken.

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Then Reuter's comes out Friday, saying he might delay everything

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until March first. This man is treating international trade policy

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like a college student with a term paper deadline. Oh yeah,

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it's due tomorrow, but maybe the professor will give me

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an extension and get this the reason he's giving for

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these tariffs on Canada and Mexico. Look, Trump, it's Friday afternoon,

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and your host, Patrick Guttfield wants to go home. Pick

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a lane. Trump is threatening to make maple syrup more

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expensive because of drug trafficking. That's like me charging my

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upstairs neighbor extra rent because someone keeps stealing my Amazon packages.

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The Canadian Chamber of Commerce guy, and you know it's serious.

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When Canada gets upset. He's basically saying this hurts everyone,

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and he's right. These tariffs are like setting your neighbor's

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house on fire and being surprised when your own house

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starts smoking. Meanwhile, China's just sitting there wondering if they're

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getting ten percent tariffs this weekend. Trump's response, We're in

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the process of doing that will determine when that's the

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international trade equivalent of I'll call you after a bad

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date and just for fun. He threw in a threat

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against the bricks nations Brazil, Russia, India, China, and South Africa.

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He's handing out tariff threats like a disappointed parent hands

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out groundings after finding out all their kids through a

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party while they were away. Justin Trudeau is promising forceful

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but reasonable retaliation against US tariffs. That's the most Canadian

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threat I've ever heard. That's like saying I'm going to

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punch you in the face, but I'll help you find

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your glasses. Afterward, Trudeau told his people that difficult times

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might be ahead, but the government has their backs. You

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know you're dealing with Canadians when even their warnings about

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trade wars come with a group hug. Meanwhile, Americans are

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looking at their Canadian neighbors like when you see someone

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at the gym doing really aggressive yoga somehow both intimidating

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and soothing at the same time. What does forceful but

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reasonable even mean from Canada? Is this podcast going to

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be twenty five percent more expensive to listen to in Canada?

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Should I add a second mid roll? Are they going

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to make us wait an extra thirty seconds at the border.

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Maybe they'll start sending us slightly less polite thank you notes,

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or and this would truly hurt, they'll temporarily restrict access

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to poutine and Tim Horton's. So. Trump's new administration is

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trying to reorganize the federal government, and boy isn't going

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exactly as.

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Smoothly as you'd expect.

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They sent out this email to every federal employee, offering

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them what they're calling a buyout.

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Now quick backstory.

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This all started when someone claiming to be from the

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Office of Personnel Management started blasting out these emails, demanding

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everyone reply yes to prove the system works. But here's

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the kicker. The email was marked external by the government's

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own systems. You know when you're a kid and someone

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calls claiming to be your mom, but you can tell

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it's just your friend doing a terrible impression. That's basically

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what happened here, except it's the federal government. Then, on

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Tuesday night, and this is true, they sent another email

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announcing a pork in the road. And get this, they

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literally copy pasted parts of Elon Musk's Twitter goodbye email.

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That's right. The federal government is now basically using Elon's

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old homework. The offer was simple, just reply resign to

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this totally not suspicious external email, and you'll get six

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month salary to sit at home and job hunt, which,

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by the way, isn't even legal.

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Under current federal law.

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But hey, when has a little thing like the law

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ever stopped this administration?

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You want to hear the best part.

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One of their big ideas is that the president should

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be able to just reassign any federal worker to any job, anywhere, anytime,

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because nothing says efficient government like suddenly making your EPA

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scientists deliver mail and Tucson. Portions of today's program were

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made with the help of he, Him, She, Her, and

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Ai