April 7, 2025

Canadians BOYCOTT America as 97-Year-Old Virgin Tortoise FINALLY Gets Lucky!

Show Notes
Transcript

Patrick Gutfield exposes the TRUTH about Canada's tourist rebellion against America and ridiculous penguin tariffs! Plus, a 97-year-old tortoise becomes a mother, priceless Beatles tape found collecting DUST in Vancouver, and Wall Street CRASHES harder than your high school reputation! The late night comedy they don't want you to see, so its a morning podcast instead!

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Caloroga Shark media from Washington, DC, where Canadians must think

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we're a bunch of hosers. This is ballot whatever.

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The Canucks can just take off, eh or not take off.

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According to this first story, let's hit this. Oh, our

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neighbors to the north aren't feeling so neighborly anymore. Canadian

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travel to the US is plummeting faster than my self

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esteem when I look at old high school photos. Tourism

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experts report that Canadians, supposedly the nicest people on the planet,

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are suddenly giving America the cold shoulder.

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And when I say cold, I mean Canadian.

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Winter cold, which is basically just slightly warmer than the

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dark side of Pluto. The US Travel Association estimates about

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twenty million Canadians visit annually, generating more than twenty billion

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dollars in spending. But now companies are reporting up to

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a ninety percent drop in new bookings. That's not a decline,

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that's a free fall with no parachute. One Canadian travel

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agency owner said, since February, it's.

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Been a complete collapse. Complete collapse.

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That's the same phrase my doctor used to describe what

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would happen if I kept eating gas station hot dogs

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for breakfast. Apparently Canadians are upset about tariffs and rhetoric

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coming from the White House. For one retired Vancouver woman,

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canceling her US road trip felt like a moral choice,

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which is funny because the last moral choice I made

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was deciding not to steal my neighbor's newspaper, and even

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then I only stopped because they got security cameras. Canadian

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bus tours are being canceled left and right. One company

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called off eight trips, including a ten year tradition of

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October shopping in New Hampshire. Instead of buying discount clothes

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at American outlets, Canadians are now apparently just going naked,

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very brave considering their climate. Florida tourism officials are panicking

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since the state welcomed nearly three point three million Canadians

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in twenty twenty four. Governor Ron DeSantis isn't worried, though,

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saying he saw plenty of Canadians at Legoland recently. Yes,

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because nothing says scientific polling method like who asks you

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for a selfie while you're hanging out with a life

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sized Lego batman. The aviation analytics firm Syrium found bookings

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from major Canadian airports to key US cities down by

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more than twenty percent. Air Canada reported that bookings across

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the border over the next sex six months are down

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ten percent. Maybe they should rename themselves Air Canada, but

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not to America. Canadian travel writers are even being told

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by editors they don't want coverage of US destinations anymore.

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There's a new slogan in Canada elbows up, referencing a

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hockey move.

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That's right.

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They're literally using hockey terminology to express their national anger.

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That's like Americans getting mad and saying, let's go double

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quarter pounder with cheese on them. In the most Canadian

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protest ever, one travel writer explained, it's a very very

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strong guttural reaction to someone we thought was our friend.

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A strong guttural reaction from Canadians translates to what Americans

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would call mild disappointment, or when they forget to put

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napkins in your takeout bag. So if you're planning a

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trip to Niagara Falls, you might want to stick to

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the American side. The Canadian side isn't sending their best

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right now. They're keeping their maple syrup politeness and affordable

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prescription drugs all to themselves. The White House is already

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sick of RFK Junior's department.

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I see what they did there with that headline.

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The Trump administration is apparently frustrated with the mess coming

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from Kennedy's Department of Health and Human Services, and by

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mess they mean the department's communication strategy, which appears to

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be don't communicate at all. Kennedy's deputy chief of Staff,

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Stephanie Spear, is getting blamed for the department's messaging problems.

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She stopped all external HHS communications back in January. That's

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like being hired as a tour guide and your first

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move is to duct tape everyone's mouth shut. The CDC's

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Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report wasn't sent out for the

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first time in decades. I guess they figured why tell

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people about diseases when we could just not. When a

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child died in a measles outbreak in West Texas, it

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took RFK Junior two days to acknowledge it, and he

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did it with an ex post. Two days later, he

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finally released an official statement and then immediately posted about

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a fun hike he took in Coachella Valley. Nothing says

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I care about public health emergencies like bragging about your

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nature walk. According to one White House official, the White

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House was like, where the F is the statement, which

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is a question I imagine gets asked several times a day

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about various Kennedy related matters. The situation is so bad

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that the White House has created a parallel press team

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to work alongside Spears team. It's like having to hire

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a translator for someone who, supposed it speaks the same

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language as you.

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You know what they say.

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Age is just a number, especially if you're a tortoise

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with commitment issues. A Western Santa Cruz Galapago's tortoise named Mommy,

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yes that's actually her name, just became a first time

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mother at ninety seven years old. This lady took I

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want to focus on my career first to an entirely

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new level. Mommy and her ninety six year old boyfriend

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of Broso, welcomed four little ones at the Philadelphia Zoo,

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increasing the population of their critically.

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Endangered species to forty eight.

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In US facilities talk about waiting until the last minute

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to save your species. The Zoo's been playing matchmaker for

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these two since twenty twenty. When they first introduced Abroso

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to Mommy, he apparently had no.

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Idea what he was doing.

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The zookeeper said, at first, it was clear he didn't

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quite know what he was doing. He was backward, which

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is exactly what my high school date said about me

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at prom Imagine waiting ninety seven years to have kids.

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That's like having your mid life crisis at forty eight

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and a half. Mommy arrived at the Philadelphia Zoo in

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nineteen thirty two, straight from the Galapagos Islands. She'd had

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some flings with other species, but Avrodzo was her first

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Western Santa Cruz. She was keeping her options open playing

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the field, which is impressive when you move at three

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feet per hour. The zoo staff had to renovate the

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tortoise's habitat to encourage breeding. They changed the ground material

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and provided better digging spots. Who knew tortoises were so

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high maintenance. Sorry, I can't reproduce in these conditions. The

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ambiance is all wrong, and where am I supposed to

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bury my eggs? This place is a dump. Temperature determines

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the gender of baby tortoises. Warmer temperatures produce females. Cooler

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temperatures produce males. As one zookeeper put it, I always

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refer to it as cool dudes and hot chicks. That's

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the kind of science I can get behind. The babies

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currently don't have names, but the staff tells them apart

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by putting different colors of nail polish on their shells,

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so they're essentially tiny runway models with extremely slow walks.

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Don't rush to see the babies with their parents, though

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they'll be kept separately, because the adults weigh up to

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five hundred pounds while the babies weigh half a pound.

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It's like putting a hamster in a room with a

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hippo and saying, you two have fun. The moral of

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the story it's never too late to start a family,

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especially if you're going to live past one hundred and remember,

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slow and steady wins the reproductive race. Not to be

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outdone by Springsteen releasing seven albums, The.

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Beatles are back yet again.

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A rare Beatles demo tape just surfaced in a Canadian

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record store where it had been collecting dust for an

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entire decade. The owner, Rob Frith, a sixty nine year

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old vinyl enthusiast who probably says things like digital just

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doesn't have the warmth, had this mystery tape sitting behind

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his counter at Neptune Records for so he couldn't even

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remember how he got it. That's right, he forgot how

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he acquired a potentially priceless recording of the most.

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Famous band in history. I lose my keys.

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Sometimes, but this guy misplaced the origin story of a

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Beatles master tape. When Frith finally decided to listen to

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it at midnight on March eleventh, it turned out to

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be a pristine recording of the beatles nineteen sixty two

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audition for Decca Records. You know, the audition where a

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Deca rejected the Beatles. That's like turning down a winning

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lottery ticket because you don't like the color of the paper.

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The tape contains fifteen songs from when the Beatles were

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basically kids.

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John Lennon was just twenty one and.

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They still had Pete Best on drums. For those who

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don't know, Pete Best was the drummer before Ringo star,

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making him the musical equivalent of the friend who leaves

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the party right before the pizza arrives or the Mike

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Pence of Trump administrations. The sound quality is apparently incredible,

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so good that one friend said it seems like the

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Beatles are in the room, which would be terrifying if true,

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considering two of them are deceased.

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Talk about a ghostly Encore.

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The record store owner now says if someone had offered

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him twenty bucks for the tape a month ago, he

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probably would have sold it. Meanwhile, a similar tape sold

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at auction in twenty twelve for fifty six thousand dollars.

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That's the biggest pricing mistakes. And someone sold bitcoin in

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twenty ten to buy a pizza. So remember, folks, check

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your attics, basements and the dusty shelves behind your counters.

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You never know you might be sitting on.

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A fortune and forgotten musical history, or just a lot

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of dust bunnies and.

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Tax forms from nineteen ninety seven.

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Portions of today's show were made without the help of

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any Canadians, but we did use AI