Biden won't seek re-election - Lizzo reacts! What went down this afternoon?

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Calarogu Shark media from Washington, DC, where if you thought you were spending

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Sunday evening drinking some angry orchards on
the porch, you were wrong. This

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is ballid. That's right. Joe
Biden decided to torture the media instead of

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doing this on Monday when we're all
at work, like a civilized person would

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have. Thanks Joe, let's hit
this, by the way, our angry

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orchard joke aside. About an hour
before Biden dropped the bomb, Wolf Blitzer

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had tweeted a picture of himself having
a cocktail. So if CNN seems spicy

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on Sunday night, that's why.
Anyways, it looks like Joe Biden has

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decided to take an early retirement from
his campaign, and by early, I

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mean about four months before the election. Talk about a plot twist. It's

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like he saw his debate performance and
thought, you know what, I think

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I'll stick to my day job being
president. Biden apparently told his staff at

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one forty five pm and announced it
to the world at one forty six pm.

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That's faster than most people change their
mind about what to have for lunch.

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I guess when you're eighty one you
don't have time to waste. Trump.

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Ever, the gracious opponent took to
truth Social to say Biden was never

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fit to serve. Well more than
that, Trump said, Crooked Joe Biden

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was not fit to run for president
and is certainly not fit to serve,

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and never was. We will suffer
greatly because of his presidency, but we

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will remedy the damage he has done
very quickly. Trump put out a second

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statement, Crooked Joe Biden is the
worst president by far in the history of

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our nation. He has done everything
possible to destroy our country, from our

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southern border, to energy dominance,
national security, international standing, and so

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much more. He was annihilated in
an earth shattering debate, and now the

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corrupt and radical Democrats are throwing him
overboard. Trump added, he was not

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fit to serve from the very beginning, but the peace people around him lied

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to America about his complete and total
mental, physical, and cognitive demise.

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Whoever the Left puts up now will
just be more of the same. Make

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America great again. Wait, is
that a real statement? Yeah, it

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is. Wow. First, Lady
Jill Biden, ever, the wordsmith,

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responded to her husband's decision to drop
out of the race with a heart emoji.

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Some people are wondering about the meeting
where they decided on that emoji.

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I imagine it went something like this, Should we go with the broken heart?

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No, too dramatic, the American
flag too patriotic. I know a

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simple red heart. It says I
love you and thank god I don't have

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to campaign anymore, all at once. But don't worry. Naomi Biden,

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Joe's granddaughter, was there to pick
up the slack in the word count department.

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She wrote a statement longer than most
people's college essays, basically saying,

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Grandpa's the best deal with it.
Listen, Naomi, what's your name?

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Trump already owns wheat Grandpa corner.
It's amazing that Joe Biden has decided to

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pass the torch, and by torch, I mean the dumpster fire that is

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this election. He's given Kamala Harris
his full support and endorsement. It's like

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being handed the keys to a car
that's already halfway off a cliff. Harris

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says she's honored by Biden's endorsement.
That's politicians speak for, oh crap,

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Now I actually have to do this. She added that she plans to earn

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and win the party's nomination, because
nothing says democratic process like having one hundred

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and seven days to choose a nominee. The winner here maya Rudolph. She's

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going to be able to get whatever
she wants out of Lorne Michael's at Saturday

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Night Live for six weeks once the
new season starts. Meanwhile, Democrats are

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lining up to endorse Harris faster than
people abandoning a sinking ship. Bill and

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Hillary Clinton have jumped on board.
I guess they figure third times the charm

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for a Clinton adjacent White House run. But not everyone's joining the Harris parade.

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Obama and Pelosi are playing it,
probably waiting to see if there's a

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surprise contestant behind door number three.
It's like political, let's make a deal,

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but instead of a new car,
the prize is a chance to get

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roasted by Trump for four months.
Kamala Harris is now the front runner,

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which is like being the tallest kid
in kindergarten. Sure you're ahead now,

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but who knows what will happen after
summer break. They're circulating a petition to

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formally nominate Harris. It's like a
high school yearbook, but instead of have

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a great summer. People are writing, please save us from Trump. Well,

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folks, it looks like we've got
ourselves a real life episode of The

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Bachelor, White House edition. Gavin
Newsom, the ken Doll of California politics,

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is apparently being pitched as the next
Rose recipient, even though Harris already

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got Biden's final Rose. Talk about
drama. This polster Ben Tulchen is like

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that friend who keeps trying to set
you up even after you're in a relationship.

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I know you're with Harris now,
but have you considered Newsom. He's

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great with independence and latinos. The
memo compares new Newsome to Biden, Harris,

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and Gretchen Whitmer. It's like a
political version of the Good, the

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Bad and the other one who isn't
Newsom. Apparently Newsome's people are saying this

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memo isn't sanctioned by him. Sure, and I bet he had no idea

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his hair looked that perfect this morning
either. It just happens naturally, right.

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The best part this memo was circulating
before Biden dropped out. It's like

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they were playing political Jenga, trying
to pull out Biden without toppling the whole

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Democratic tower, and now Democrats are
coalescing behind Harris. Because nothing says United

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Front like grudgingly accepting your second choice
after your first choice decides to take an

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early retirement. So buckle up,
America. We've gone from no Malarkey to

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no Biden to maybe Newsom faster than
you can say electoral chaos. At this

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rate, by next week, we
might be considering Oprah for president. You

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get healthcare, you get healthcare.
Everybody gets health care. Meanwhile, Hunter

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Biden released a statement praising his dad
that's longer than most people's Thanksgiving grace.

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It's sweet, but I'm pretty sure
thanks for not making me campaign anymore,

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was implied. The Biden campaign staff
just got told they're now working for Harris.

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Talk about a corporate merger. I
hope they at least get to keep

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their parking spots. And those Democratic
governors everyone's been eyeing as potential candidates,

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they're playing it cooler than a polar
bear's toenails. Newsome, Whitmer, Shapiro,

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and Pritzker are all praising Biden while
carefully avoiding any mention of Harris.

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It's like they're auditioning for a part
without admitting the audition exists. But hey,

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at least Asian American and Indian American
groups are excited. They're already selling

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T shirts that say Kamala k sath
Hindi for I'm with Kamala, or possibly

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please don't make us go through this
again in four years. Well, so

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far, it looks like the Harris
campaign sucks at T shirts. Hulk Hogan

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won't be rocking and ripping one of
those folks. It looks like Biden's decision

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to drop out as turned Hollywood into
a political Oscars ceremony. Everyone's rushing to

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give their acceptance speech, I mean
their reaction. Mark Hamill used the force

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of his Twitter account to praise Biden. Apparently Biden restored honesty, dignity,

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and integrity to the presidency. I
guess that's what happens when you replace Reality

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TV with nap time. Cher Ever, the wordsmith tweeted that she hadn't seen

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TV talk to anyone when the news
broke. I'm guessing she was too busy

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deciding which letter to replace with a
number. In her next tweet, Barbara

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Streisand chimed in saying Biden accomplished significant
achievements. Like what Babs managing to climb

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the Air Force one stairs without falling. That's an achievement at his age.

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Cheryl Lee Ralph from Abbott Elementary seems
thrilled about Harris. She posted Kamala Harris

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followed by a photo with the VP. I'm glad she clarified. I was

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worried she might have been talking about
the other Kamala Harris running for president.

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Jamie Lee Curtis gave Harris a glowing
endorsement on Instagram. Apparently Harris is trusted

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and tested, kind of like Jamie's
yogurt. I guess. Lizzo posted a

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screenshot of the news with the comment
we are truly living in unprecedented times.

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Julia Louis Dreyfus, who played a
VP turned president on VEEP, thanked Biden

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for his service. I guess life
really does imitate art or is it the

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other way around? Either way,
I'm pretty sure the real White House has

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fewer f bombs than VEEP, at
least I hope so. Robin Thiad,

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creator of Black Lady Sketch Show,
endorsed Harris and pitched John Stewart for VP

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because apparently we're now casting the White
House like it's a comedy special. Next

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thing, you know, we'll have
John Oliver as Secretary of State and Stephen

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Colbert as Press Secretary. Actually wait, I might watch that anyway. John

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Stewart himself said legend, and Mac
Davies, host of The Ballot podcast,

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said, in a text to management, Jesus Christ, can I ever get

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a Sunday off? And then there's
Billy Eichner, who posted a photo with

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Biden and called for unity among Democrats. He ended with, let's go,

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Lesbians, Let's go. I'm not
entirely sure what lesbians have to do with

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this, Billy, but I appreciate
your enthusiasm. Joe says he will address

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the nation later this week. How
much do you want to bet it's Wednesday

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night when I have a volleyball game. One hundred percent right. I'll be

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back after morning coffee with an update