Sept. 13, 2024

Biden wears MAGA hat! Kamala's Earring Conspiracy. Trump won't debate again. Someone did eat a cat!

Show Notes
Transcript

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Calarugus shark media from Springfield where cats come with a

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side of fries in your choice of sauce. This is ballad,

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Well Patrick, too soon, let's hit this. Maybe Trump isn't

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totally crazy. For one, he hasn't been texting me incessantly

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like my crazy ex girlfriend Norma. But it turns out, maybe,

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perhaps possibly, people are eating cats in Ohio. Seems like

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the local police had to deal with a real life

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catwoman minus the leather suit and plus a whole lot

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of crazy. Which reminds me, you know who has a

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lot of cats? Rhymes with zorma? Are you shocked? Of

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course not. A twenty seven year old woman decided to

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take playing with your food to a whole new level

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when she allegedly killed and started munching on a neighborhood cat.

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Talk about a fur ocious appetite. The nine to eleven

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calls suggested our feline feasting friend might have been dealing

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with some shall we say, extra curricular substances or mental

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health issues. I mean, who among us hasn't craved a

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little mew mix when we're not feeling our best. In

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the end, the woman got slapped with charges including animal

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cruelty and disorderly conduct. Looks like her catatonic state landed

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her in some serious trouble. Let's hope she finds a

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new hobby that doesn't involve the neighborhood pets. Maybe try knitting.

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I hear it's perfect for stress relief. Let's check in

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with Springfield's Chief of Police, Clancy Wigham, who shared this

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statement via Hanka's Arrius Twitter.

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Spring Fair Police chief plans she Wigham speaking, I'm gonna

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have you. People are eating dogs? What do I mean?

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Like hot dogs? Oh? Cats? Mister Katz is eating hot dogs. Nah,

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people are eating dogs and cats. People are eating dogs

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and cats in Springfand are they good?

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I don't know, Hank. That bit was funnier when Bob

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Newhart did it back in sixty four. Looks like we've

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got ourselves a real pearl of a conspiracy theory. Brewing

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Vice president Kamala Harris is apparently channeling her inner James

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Bond with some high tech bling. Who knew pearl earrings

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could cause such a stir. I haven't seen this much

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fuss over jewelry since mister t decided to become a minimalist.

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Now a German tech company Icebox Sound Solutions has decided

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to join the party. They're saying Harris's earrings look suspiciously

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like their Bluetooth devices. That's weird. But here's the kicker.

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They've offered to make a pair for Donald Trump too.

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They're just struggling with the color. Apparently orange is the

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new hack. Maybe they should consult with Trump's spraytan artists

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for some color matching tips. Trump said they had a

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rigged show with somebody that maybe even had the answers.

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I mean, I'll be honest. I watched her talk and

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I said, you know, she seems awfully familiar with the questions.

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In the end, it turns out Harris's earrings are probably

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just regular, boring old Tiffany pearls. But hey, why let

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facts get in the way of a good conspiracy theory? Right?

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At least it's given us all something to talk about

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Besides the actual debate. Dana White decided to throw his

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hat into the political ring or should I say political octagon.

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The UFC president was too busy with his Contender series

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to even watch the Trump Harris debate. However, White, showing

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off his psychic abilities, predicted the debate would be a

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three on one matchup against his buddy Trump. White was

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completely oblivious to Trump's claims about Haitians eating dogs and

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cats in Ohio. When a journalist brought it up, Dana's

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response was about as coherent as a fighter after a knockout.

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In the end, White refused to disclose any advice he

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gave Trump before the debate, probably something along the lines

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of hit him with a chair when the ref isn't looking.

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Trump is at it again, playing his greatest hits, Lock

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Her Up the sequel. This time, he's broadened his target

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audience from just Hillary Clinton to well pretty much anyone

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who's ever disagreed with him. It's like he's trying to

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turn the Justice Department into his personal Oprah show. You

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get an indictment, and you get an indictment. Everybody gets

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an indictment. Trump's latest performance on truth Social which let's

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be honest, is basically Twitter with training wheels, included threats

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to prosecute anyone involved in what he calls cheating in

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skullduggery in the twenty twenty election, because apparently losing an

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election fair and square is now considered skullduggery. Who knew.

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Trump's also been sharing posts showing his political rivals in jumpsuits.

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I guess in Trump's America, orange really is the new black.

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It's like he's designing a new line of prison fashion.

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Move over project Runway. Trump's campaign says he just wants

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to prosecute anyone who breaks the law, you know, like

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those pesky election officials who had the audacity to count

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all the votes the nerve. But here's the kicker. Trump

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seems to think this is all fair play because of

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his own legal troubles. It's like he's playing the world's

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pettiest game of tag. You're indicted, so buckle up, America.

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If Trump gets his way, we might need to build

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a few more prisons. Or maybe we could just convert

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mar A Lago into one big jail. After all, Trump

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does love his gold plate at everything orange jumpsuit with

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gold trim. Anyone and don when you win, just remember

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I said nice things about you every day. Any listener

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to this show knows I had your back all the way.

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You have great hair and big hands. Remember your friends,

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Donald and friend number one is Mac Davies Trump, the

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handsome trillionaire and the man who once claimed he could

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shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose voters. Has

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announced there will be no more debates, and don when

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you win, remember it wasn't me saying you were a

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coward who got your clock cleaned. I saw the eighty

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six to thirteen poles, and we both know you won

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that debate. Trump's declaration that there will be no more

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debates with Harris is about as surprising as finding out

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that water is wet. I guess when your debate performance

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is rougher than a cat in a washing machine. Running

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away seems like a solid strategy. It's the political equivalent

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of taking your ball and going home if your ball

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was made of fragile ego in spray tan. Now, while

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parts of this program are made with the help of AI,

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the AI hasn't lost its mind with this one. This

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one is somehow real. President Biden remember him. Don't worry,

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he doesn't either. Biden decided to try on a new look,

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and it's redder than his usual blue. That's right, our

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commander in chief was spotted sporting a Maga hat, and

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for a moment it seemed like hell had frozen over

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and pigs were flying This fashion faux pas or stroke

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of bipartisan genius, depending on how you look at it.

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Happened in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Biden was chatting with firefighters when

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he engaged in the political equivalent of a Jersey swap.

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But before you start thinking Biden's pulled a political one

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hundred and eighty faster than a spin class instructor, the

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White House assures us it was all in the name

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of unity, because apparently nothing says let's get along like

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borrowing your arch rivals signature accessory. Next thing you know,

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I'll be wearing Friend of the Pod merch. I feel

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like there should be one more story here. Hey, producers,

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did you write one more story? No? Can I leave? Okay,

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good bye,