Nov. 25, 2024

Biden to pardon turkeys, there's Bird Flu in unpasteurized milk

Show Notes
Transcript

Good news for Peach and Blossom. Those two turkeys will be pardoned today, if Joe Biden remembers. The bad news? They have to spend the day with Joe Biden.

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Calarogu Shark media from Washington, DC, where turkeys get pardoned

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quicker than Trump will on day one of the Vance administration.

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This is ballot. That's right. Good news for Peach and Blossom.

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They'll be around to watch cowboys versus Giants on Thanksgiving.

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Oh wait, that's actually a terrible game. Maybe World War

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three will start by then. Let's hit this well, folks,

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it's that time of year again when the President of

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the United States exercises his constitutional power to save a

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turkey from becoming dinner. Because apparently that's what the founding

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fathers had in mind when they created the pardon power.

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Meet peachin Blossom, two Minnesota turkeys who just scored the

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cushiest government job since becoming a member of Congress. These

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birds got more training than most White House interns. They

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were exposed to lights, cameras, and even poka music. That's right,

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they're literally torturing the turkeys before saving them. And get this,

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these presidential poultry are living it up at the Willard

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Intercontinental Hotel. They've got a better hotel room than most

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tourists in DC. I hear they even ordered room service

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and charged it to the national Turkey Federation. The mini

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bar will never be the same. These turkeys weigh in

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at forty and forty one pounds each. That's about the

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same weight as the average congressional bill. Mostly stuffing am I.

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Right after their pardon, they're heading back to Minnesota to

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become agricultural ambassadors at Farm America. Because nothing says I've

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made it like going from almost being dinner to becoming

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a government spokesperson. It's basically the reverse path of most politicians. Now,

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Biden's been on quite a streak with these pardons. We've

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had Liberty and Bell, chocolate and chip and peanut butter

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and jelly. It's like he's naming turkeys by walking through

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a kindergarten cafeteria. The tradition supposedly goes back to Abraham Lincoln,

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who pardoned a turkey at his son's request, but the

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real drama started with Harry Truman and his poultry Thursday's campaign.

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People responded by sending him live birds in protest the

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nineteen forties version of sliding into someone's DMS with angry emojis.

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And here's my favorite part. JFK started regularly sparing turkeys

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just days before his assassination. Even in the sixties, they

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knew better than to mess with Big Turkey. Well, folks,

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just when you thought twenty twenty four couldn't get any weirder,

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bird flu has been found in California's raw milk supply.

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Because apparently regular milk wasn't exciting enough, we needed to

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add a pandemic plot twist. And who's leading the charge

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for unpasteurized milk none other than our incoming Secretary of

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Health and Human Services, Robert F.

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Kennedy Junior.

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That's right, Trump picked the guy who thinks pasteurization is

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a deep state conspiracy to run HHS. It's like putting

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Count Chocula in charge of blood banks. The CDC says

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drinking raw milk can expose you to all sorts of

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fun stuff like salmonella, E. Coli and now bird flu,

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but RFK Junior wants to increase access to it anyway,

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because nothing says I care about public health quite like

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promoting milk that might make you cluck. Gwyneth Paltrow is

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also on the raw milk bandwagon, drinking unpasteurized cream in

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her coffee every day. Between her and RFK Junior, it's

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like we're getting our health advice from Ouija board wrapped

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in healing crystals. The good news is there's an easy

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way to kill the bird flu virus in milk. It's

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called pasteurization, a process invented by Louis Pasteur in the

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eighteen hundreds. But apparently that's too mainstream for our incoming

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HHS secretary, who probably thinks Louis Pasteur was part of

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the illuminati. California health officials are warning people not to

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drink or inhale the contaminated raw milk. Yes, don't inhale

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your milk, though I guess that warning is necessary now

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that we're about to have an HHS secretary who might

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recommend milk based aromatherapy. Well, folks, it looks like the

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Great American Exodus is upon us. Remember all those celebrities

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who swore they'd moved to Canada if Trump won.

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Turns out some people actually meant it. Who knew?

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Today's story comes from Sam Hill, who apparently didn't get

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the memo that I'm moving if Trump wins was supposed

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to be an empty threat, like my New Year's resolution

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to start going to the gym.

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Hill packed up his life in Bloomington.

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Indiana already a brave choice of residence, and headed south

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to Cabo San Lucas.

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That's right.

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While everyone else was panic googling how to move to Canada,

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this guy went full Jimmy Buffett and chose Margheritaville.

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Get this.

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The day after the election, an expat consulting firm saw

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their daily clicks jump from two thousand to one hundred

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and forty two thousand. That's more clicks than my aunt

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Sharon's Facebook posts about her cat's birthday party. Now, moving

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abroad isn't cheap. It cost Hill about thirty thousand dollars.

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That's right.

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Fleeing American politics cost about the same as a year

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of therapy dealing with it, and he chose Houston as

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his US home base because it has great healthcare. Nothing

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says I'm escaping American politics quite like keeping.

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A foot in Texas? Am I right? But here's the kicker, folks.

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Hill discovered that other countries have their own political problems too.

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Shocking.

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I know. Mexico's new president is apparently left of AOC,

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which I didn't think was mathematically possible. And Europe they've

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got their own maga movements everywhere it's like a franchise

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operation mcmaga if you will. So remember, if you're planning

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your own political escape route, maybe check if the grass

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is actually greener on the other side, or, in Hill's case,

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if the sand is actually sandier, because right now it

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looks like the only place without political drama might be Actually,

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you know what, I'll get back to you on that one.

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Joe Rogan is back in the news, and this time

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he's worried we're heading toward World War three, which honestly

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would make a great time for his next seven hour

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conversation with an alien conspiracy theorist. Rogan's upset that Biden's

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letting Ukraine use our long range missiles against Russia. You know,

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those missiles we definitely weren't going to let them use

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until we totally let them use them.

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It's like lending your teenager the car and.

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Saying don't go past the driveway, but then being shocked

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when they're doing donuts in the mall parking lot.

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And get this.

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Rogan's particularly mad that Biden's making these decisions as a

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lame duck president, because apparently being a lame duck means

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you should just sit in the Oval Office playing Candy

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Crush until the next guy shows up. Meanwhile, Russia's gotten

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so desperate they're importing soldiers from North Korea.

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That's right, North Korea.

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When you're outsourcing your war to the country that's basically

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running Windows ninety five, you might want to rethink your

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life choices. The State Department says, these North Korean troops

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are getting trained in basic infantry operations, though I'm pretty

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sure in North Korea, sick infantry training is just watching

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the Rocky movies while Kim Jong Un points out everything

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Sylvester Stallone did wrong. According to his guest Scott Storch,

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you know, the music producer who's apparently now an international

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relations expert. He feels safer with Trump coming back. Portions

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of today's program were made with the help of AI

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parody Laws and Gravy