Biden to address nation, George Clooney surfaces, Trump wants to debate Harris

WEBVTT

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Calarogu Shark media from Washington, DC, where there's a discount on f Biden

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merch. This is ballot, that's
right, and nobody has figured out how

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to make fun of Harris. Yet
what are we supposed to do? Make

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fun of her? Stupid laugh that's
already boring. Okay, let's hit this.

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Jimmy Fallon said, Biden is now
getting credit for guiding us through the

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pandemic, creating millions of jobs,
rebuilding our nation's crumbling infrastructure, and eliminating

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billions in student loans. Democrats heard
that and were like, Hey, this

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guy should run for president. Fallon
added, Typically on Sundays, everybody thinks

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about quitting their job, but Biden
is the first person to actually go through

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with it. Am I psychic?
Not only did I predict that Biden would

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quit on Sunday to mess up my
weekend, I also predicted he would address

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the nation in the middle of my
Wednesday night volleyball game. Well guess what

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President Joe Biden will give a primetime
Oval office address tonight. Following his decision

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to drop out of the twenty twenty
four presidential race, Joe tweeted at eight

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pm ET right in the middle of
ballot host Mac Davis volleyball game. I

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will address the nation from the Oval
Office on what lies ahead and how I

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will finish the job for the American
people. I pledge to continue to ruin

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this guy's social life at every opportunity. Thanks Joe. Meanwhile, Clooney knew

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I was on to him and finally
revealed himself. Clooney's all in for Harris,

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saying he's excited to do whatever we
can to support her. I'm assuming

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whatever we can means more glamorous fundraisers
where the ores d'uvs probably cost more than

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my monthly rent. Stay tuned for
the next episode of Keeping Up with the

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Cloonies, I mean candidates. It
looks like the Donald is itching for a

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debate showdown with Kamala Harris, and
he's not just talking about one measly face

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off. Oh No, in his
own words, I would be willing to

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do more than one debate. Actually, folks, that's Trump speak for bringing

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on. It's like he's a kid
in a candy store, except the candy

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is verbal sparring and the store is
the political arena. But wait, there's

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more. Trump in his infinite wisdom
declares, yes, absolutely, I'd want

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to debate Harris. I haven't seen
someone this excited about a debate since well

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since Trump thought he won the last
one against Biden. And then comes the

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kicker, Trump, champion of civic
duty that he is, proclaims, I

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think if you're in the Democratic nominee
or Republican nominee, you really have an

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obligation to debate. An obligation,
folks, This from the man who treated

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Republican primary debates like optional dentist appointments. I guess obligations are like fine wine.

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They only matter when they're aged four
years in the barrel of opposition.

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Trump wraps it up with a cherry
on top. So it's very important.

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Important, indeed, Donald almost as
important as remembering. This call came just

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days after he dodged a bullet literally
at a campaign rally. Will these debates

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actually happen? Will they be more
Lincoln Douglas or WrestleMania. Only time will

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tell. But one thing's for sure. If Trump and Harris do square off,

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it'll be must see TV. It
looks like Kamala Harris is hitting the

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campaign trail with all the subtlety of
a sledgehammer. Wrapped in velvet. Harris

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is out there flexing her prosecutorial muscles
like she's auditioning for Law and Order campaign

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trail unit. And boy does she
have some zingers locked and loaded. Take

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this gem. I know Donald Trump's
type. Oh snap, It's like she's

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setting up a punchline, but the
joke is Trump's entire existence. I haven't

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seen a build up this good since
well since Trump's last legal defense crumbled.

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And then she drops the mic with
I promise you I will proudly put my

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record against his any day of the
week. Folks. That's not just a

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campaign promise. That's a straight up
challenge. It's like she's inviting Trump to

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a duel, but instead of pistols
at dawn, it's resumes at But let's

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not forget the crowd, shall we. They're not just spectators, they're active

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participants in this political theater. When
they start chanting lock him Up, it's

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like watching a bizarro world version of
a Trump rally. The irony is so

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thick you could cut it with a
subpoena. So there you have it,

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folks. Kamala Harris, former prosecutor, current VP, and now stand up

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comedian one thing's for sure. This
campaign is shaping up to be more entertaining

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than a reality TV show, and
let's face it, with Trump involved,

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that's exactly what it is. Stay
tuned, America. This show's just getting

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started, and if Harris keeps this
up, we're in for one heck of

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a season finale come November. Well, it looks like the Republicans are insisting

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on running that really old guy.
Let's break this down, shall we.

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The GOP spent months telling us that
Biden was too old to tie his own

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shoelaces, let alone run a country. Now they're stuck with Trump, who's

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about his spry as a sloth on
ambion. It's like they dug themselves into

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a hole and then handed the shovel
to the Democrats and Harris. She's strutting

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onto the scene like Ellie Woods walking
into Harvard Law, except instead of a

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Chihuahua in her purse, she's carrying
years of prosecutorial experience and a nifty I'm

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with her button. Remember when being
a prosecutor was about as popular as a

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porcupine at a balloon party. Well
times have changed, folks. Now Harris

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is serving up her tough on crime
record like it's the special of the day

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at the political diner. I'll have
the law and order please, with a

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side of social justice reform. In
USA, today, Rex Hupkey wrote about

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being stuck with anti Biden merch.
I think he was kidding, but still

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it was funny. He's sitting on
a mountain of f Joe Biden flags that

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are about as useful now as a
snowblower in the Sahara, and his kids.

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They're refusing to play along with his
rebranding efforts because they find Harris inspirational

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and exciting. The horror imagine having
children who think for themselves. Truly.

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As Rex puts it, liberalism is
a disease. Even the big man himself,

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Donald Trump, is feeling the pain. Trump's social media lament is a

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masterpiece of unintentional comedy. Shouldn't the
Republican Party be reimbursed for fraud in that

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everybody around Joe, including his doctors
in the fake news media, knew he

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was not capable of running for or
being president. I don't know about you,

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but I'm pretty sure that's not how
fraud works. But hey, when

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has a little thing like the definition
of words ever stopped Trump? And poor

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Rex. He's got a warehouse full
of Buck Fyden Beerkoozi's and I'm Joe Biden

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and I forgot this message t shirts. I guess he'll have to console himself

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by using them as very expensive kindling. So there you have it, folks.

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The real victims of Biden's withdrawal aren't
the voters or the Democratic Party.

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It's the poor, hardworking Americans trying
to make a dishonest buck off of offensive

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merchandise. Somebody please think of the
hunter Biden's laptop plush. He's Trump on

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truth Social mentioned Harris's poll numbers,
but he spelled it pol e. I'm

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going to assume that was a typo
and not some sort of misogynist joke.

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Maybe it was just evidence of Trump
getting old. You can't have an eighty

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two year old guy running things at
the end of his term, you know.

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Portions of today's program were made with
the help of AI and a cheese

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steak. A boy's gotta eat.