Biden Debate Disaster recap

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Calarogu Shark Media from Atlanta, where, Oh my god, this is Vallid.

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That's right, I guess I'm working
this weekend. Well, let's hit

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this. That was not good.
Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the Gerontocracy

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Games, where two Titans of Twilight
duke it out for the chance to nap

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in the Oval office. In the
red corner, weighing in at definitely not

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two hundred and thirty nine pounds,
we have the mara a Lago Marauder,

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the combover Crusader, the man who
puts the con in Constitution, Donald,

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the art of the Steel Trump,
And in the blue corner tipping the scales.

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At where am I? And why
are all these people staring at me?

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We have the Delaware Dozer, the
gaff Machine, the man who makes

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Methusla look like a spring chicken.
Joe, I'm not sleepy, you're sleepy,

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Biden. Folks, what we witnessed
last night wasn't so much a debate

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as it was an audition for the
lead roles in Grumpy Old Men, White

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House Boogaloo. Biden shuffled onto that
stage looking like he'd just been woken up

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from a nice warm bath in the
butterfly garden at Shady Pine's retirement village.

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His hair was whiter than a Whole
Foods in Vermont, and his eyes had

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all the focus of a kitten on
catnip. Now. Trump's task for the

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evening was simple, don't come across
as the unhinged democracy destroying maniac that Biden's

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been painting him as, and credit
where credits due, folks. He managed

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to pull it off, mostly by
letting Biden do all the unhinged work for

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him. It was like watching a
demolition derby where one car just parks and

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waits for the other to crash into
itself. Biden's performance was so weak Democrats

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are now frantically googling can we swap
President's mid election? Is weekend at Bernie's

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constitutionally valid? And how to fake
your own death and move to Canada.

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His answers drifted into incoherence faster than
my grandpa after his third Scotch at Thanksgiving

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dinner. At one point he proudly
declared, we finally beat Medicare. Uh

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Joe. That's not exactly a winning
campaign slogan for the Party of Social Programs.

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It's like bragging that you finally managed
to unplug Grandma's life support. Not

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the flex you think it is,
buddy. But wait, it gets better.

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When asked about abortion, you know
that little issue that's only been dominating

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headlines and turning elections for the past
year, Biden's answer was about as clear

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as mud in a sandstorm. He
started talking about trimesters like he was ordering

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it subway. Uh yeah, can
I get a six inch fetus on wheat?

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Hold the viability? Come on,
Joe, this was your chance to

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hit it out of the park,
and instead you couldn't even find the bad

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And let's not forget the moment when
the moderators, bless their hearts, tried

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to give Biden a softball question about
age concerns. It was the political equivalent

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of is this your card? And
Biden responded by talking about chips and South

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Korea. It's like someone asked him
what time it is and he started describing

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how to build a clock. I
haven't seen someone doda question that hard since

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my kid tried to explain why there
was a dead goldfish in the toilet.

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Meanwhile, Trump was well Trump,
He lied more than a teenager caught sneaking

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in after curfew, but hey,
at least he remembered what office he was

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running for. He showed remarkable restraint, probably because he was too busy watching

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Biden implode in real time. It
was like watching a nature documentary where the

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lion just sits back and watches the
gazelle trip over its own feet. But

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don't worry, folks. Trump didn't
completely lose his touch. He still managed

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to make some truly head scratching statements. When asked about climate change, he

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went off on a tangent that made
less sense than a flat earther's map collection.

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It was like listening to a random
word generator that had been fed nothing

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but Fox News transcripts and cove Fife
tweets. And let's not forget the moment

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when Trump unprompted declared that he didn't
have sex with a porn star. Now,

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I'm no political strategist, but I'm
pretty sure I didn't sleep with a

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porn star. Isn't exactly a winning
campaign slogan. It's right up there with

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I am not a crook and I
did not have sexual relations with that woman

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in the pantheon of things presidents probably
shouldn't have to say out loud more in

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a minute. The debate reached its
comedic peak when these two octagenarians started arguing

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about who's the better golfer. I
haven't seen two old guys this worked up

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since my uncle's got into a slap
fight over the last piece of pie at

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Christmas. It was like watching a
World's Most boring sports competition where the grand

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prize is a lifetime supply of Bengay
and compression socks. But let's talk about

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the real victims here, the American
people. We're sitting here watching two guys

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who were born closer to the Lincoln
administration than to the present day argue about

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who's fit to lead us into the
future. It's like asking your great grandparents

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to explain TikTok. Sure it might
be entertaining, but you wouldn't want them

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in charge of your social media strategy. And the Democrats, oh boy,

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they're in full blown panic mode.
It's like watching a bunch of cats trying

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to hurt well an even older cat. They're frantically trying to figure out how

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to replace Biden without looking like they're
abandoning ship faster than rats on the Titanic.

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I haven't seen democrats this nervous since
they realized Hillary Clinton thought pokemon go

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was a type of sushi. One
Democratic strategist summed up Biden's performance as horrific,

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which coincidentally is the same word my
doctor used to describe my cholesterol levels.

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But hey, at least I can
string together a coherent sentence about it.

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Now, some of you might be
thinking, but wait, didn't Reagan

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and Obama have bad first debates too? And you'd be right, But there's

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a slight difference. When Reagan and
Obama had bad debates, they looked like

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they'd had a rough night's sleep.
When Biden had a bad debate, he

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looked like he'd had a rough century. And let's not forget about poor Kamala

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Harris, who had to go on
CNN afterward and try to spin this disaster

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into something positive. It was like
watching someone try to convince Gordon Ramsay that

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a piece of toast is actually artisanal
charcoal bread. She said. Biden had

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a slow start but a strong finish. Yeah, and the Titanic had a

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great voyage right up until that pesky
Iceberg showed up. But here's the kicker,

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folks. Biden's whole campaign strategy has
been built around the idea that he's

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the only thing standing between America and
a second Trump term. He's been painting

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Trump as a threat to democracy,
a wannabe autocrat who turned the White House

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into a Trump branded dictatorship faster than
you can say fake news. And after

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this debate, well, let's just
say that if Biden is our last line

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of defense against authoritarianism, we might
as well start learning how to goostep.

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It's not that Trump came across as
particularly presidential, mind you. He was

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still his usual mix of bombast,
falsehoods, and logic defying statements. But

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next to Biden's fumbling performance, Trump
looked like he was auditioning for a most

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coherent Senior Citizen pageant. And in
American politics, sometimes just being able to

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string words together in a vaguely sentenced
like structure is enough to win. So

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where do we go from here?
Well, if you're a Democrat, you're

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probably frantically searching for a time machine
to go back and convince a younger,

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more vibrant candidate to run. If
you're a Republican, you're likely torn between

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relief that Trump didn't implode and concern
that your party standard bearer is still well

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Trump, and if you're an average
American voter, you're probably wondering if it's

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too late to convince Dwayne the Rock
Johnson to throw his hat in the ring.

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But here's the real tragedy. Folks, in a country of three hundred

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and thirty million people, filled with
brilliant minds, innovative thinkers, and leaders

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in every field imaginable, we've somehow
narrowed our choices down to two guys who

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were eligible for AARP membership when Friends
was still airing new episodes. It's like

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going to a five star restaurant and
being told your only options are tapioca pudding

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or prune juice. In the end, Biden's performance was summed up by one

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Democratic operative as horrific, which coincidentally
is also how future historians will likely describe

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this entire election cycle. We're watching
the world's most powerful democracy being decided by

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a contest that looks less like a
presidential debate and more like an episode of

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America's Funniest Home Videos. Retirement Home
edition portions of today's podcast were created with

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the help of AI, and let's
be real, if AI were running,

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it would probably be at nineteen percent
in the polls this morning. So there

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you have it, folks, the
future of American democracy hanging in the balance,

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and our choices are a guy who
can barely remember what year it is

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and another guy who thinks the Constitution
is just a suggestion. One can't string

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together a coherent sentence and the other
can't stop stringing together sentences that would make

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George Orwell say whoa dial it back
a bit, buddy. As we look

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ahead to November, remember this,
No matter who wins, the real losers

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are all of us. But hey, at least we'll have plenty of material

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for late night comedy shows, right
right, God bless America and made the

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least senile man win. And remember, folks, if you don't laugh,

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you'll cry. So keep laughing,
because at this rate we might be crying

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all the way to twenty twenty eight. Good night, and good luck.

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We're all gonna need it.