Oct. 17, 2024

American Shrinkage: JD Vance, Terra Vance, and the Shortcomings of the Nation

Show Notes
Transcript

While JD Vance stands tall at 6’2”, the average American is getting shorter, and Terra Vance throws shade like only a true Appalachian can. America’s shrinking stature isn’t just about height—it’s a metaphor for so much more. Oh, and Kamala Harris made it to Vogue.

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Calarogu shark media from Appalachia, where the coal mines run

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deeper than Vance's sudden love for Trump. This is valid.

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That's right.

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We're in Appalachia, where the hillsides are less slippery than

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Vance's stance on any given issue.

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Let's hit this.

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It's time for some spicy commentary on the tail of

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American shrinkage. And I don't mean the kind Donald Trump

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has when he gets out of the pool.

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It looks like jd.

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Vance is standing tall while the rest of America is

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coming up short.

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Jd Vance is six ' to two.

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That's taller than the average American man, who's shrinking faster

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than Trump's credibility after a fact check. But hey, at

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least we're still taller than hobbits. Right now, some eggheads

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are saying this height decrease is due to poor nutrition

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and lack of healthcare.

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Who knew.

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Apparently living on a diet of freedom, fries and medical

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debt isn't great for your vertical growth. Shocking, I tell you,

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the Dutch are now the tallest people on Earth. They

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grew almost eight inches and two hundred years. I guess

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all that cheese and universal health care really pays off.

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Maybe we should.

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Start a new American diet. Two servings of socialism and

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a sight of dairy for breakfast.

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But here's the kicker.

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Even the most privileged American women have worse health than

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the most disadvantaged British women. It's like we're competing in

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the Oppression Olympics and we're going for gold. Vance has

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been waving his Appalachian roots around like a trophy at

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a county fair. But it turns out not all the

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Vances are cheering from the sidelines. His distant cousin, Tara Vance,

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is serving up more shade than a West Virginia holler,

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calling him everything from a judas Is scariot to a

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shillbilly ouch that's gonna leave a mark bigger than a

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coal company's environmental footprint. Tara's out here claiming she's the

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authentic Hillbilly Vance, while painting JD as a guy who

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probably puts his cast iron skillet in the dishwasher.

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The horror.

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Now, JD's hill bill Billy elegy might have been a

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best seller, but it sounds like it's about as popular

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an Appalachia as a vegetarian at a pig roast Tara's

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not buying his bootstrap story, saying he's more disconnected from

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his roots than a cell phone in a mountain valley.

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She's calling herself the authentic hillbilly vance, and boy is

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she not shy about it. Tara's got more beef with

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JD than a West Virginia BBQ joint.

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Now let's break it down.

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JD wrote hillbilly elegy, painting a picture of Appalachia that's

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about as flattering as a funhouse mirror.

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Tara, She's not having it.

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She says JD's story is blaming the victims faster than

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you can say corporation induced poverty.

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Here's the rub.

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JD grew up in Ohio, spending summers in Kentucky.

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Tara.

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She's West Virginia born and raised, where the coal dust

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settles as.

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Thick as the family drama.

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She's got a dad who worked forty years in the mines,

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battling black lung like it's a full time job.

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But it's not just Tara throwing shade.

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We've got mama Bertie Louy, six years young, who self

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published her own memoir. Now that's what I call a

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family tradition. Her story's got more grit than a country

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road after a rainstorm.

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Now here's where it gets interesting.

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While JD's out there campaigning, Tara's hometown is plastered with

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Trump Vance signs like wallpaper in a Cole Baron's mansion.

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But Tara and her immediate family, they're as rare as

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a snow leopard in July. They're voting for Harris. We've

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got Aunt Carlene still flying the Republican flag, worried about

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immigration and trusting Trump like he's the last honest man

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in Washington. Then there's Sherry White, local restaurant owner more

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concerned about inflation than a baker watching his souflet collapse. Meanwhile,

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Logan County's struggling with a twenty four percent poverty rate,

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higher than a cat's back in a dogfight. Folks are

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more worried about putting food on the table than which

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Vance is the real deal. So there you have it, folks,

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The Vance family trees got more branches than the government,

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and they're all shaking in different directions. All right, Folks,

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gather around for the latest episode of desperate politicians seeking validation.

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Today's star none other than our very own Kamala Harris

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gracing the cover of Vogue like she's America's next top politician.

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Picture this Kamala Harris standing there in her power suit,

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which I'm pretty sure is just a fancy way of

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saying I rated Hillary Clinton's closet. She's giving us her

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best I'm relatable but also in charge look, which falls

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somewhere between stern librarian and mom who just found your

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secret stash of cookies. The article goes on and on

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about her pragmatic approach and how she's not interested in

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abstract ideals translation she has no actual stance on anything,

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but boy, can she rock a pantsuit. And let's talk

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about that Vogue photoshoot. Nothing says I'm just like you

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average American. Quite like being photographed by Annie Leibovitz while

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discussing your world famous Bolanese recipe, because we all know

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the path to the presidency paved with overcooked pasta sauce.

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The piece describes Harris as having an eye for the

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long game. Is that why she's been practicing her surprised

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but humbled face for when someone mentioned she might be

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the first female president spoiler alert, We've all noticed, Kamala

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Oh and apparently she's big on quantum computing. I'm sure

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that'll really resonate with the voters in Middle America. Sure,

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I can't afford healthcare, but at least my president understands

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sub atomic particles. But the cherry on top of this

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pr Sunday the anecdote about her telling a colleague to

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look the part, because nothing says woman of the people

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quite like fashion policing your coworkers. Kamala Harris from the

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middle class to the middle of a vogue spread. Saturday

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Night Live's quest to find their perfect Trump is turning

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into a comedy of errors that's funnier than most of

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their sketches. So Shane Gillis, the guy who got fired

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from SNL faster than a snowball melts in Hell, was

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apparently offered the golden wig of Trump impersonation, but instead

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of jumping at the chance to be on national TV

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every week, he chose to perform at something called Skankfest.

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Now that's what I call career priorities.

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Lorne Michaels, SNL's puppet master is out here trying to

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reinvent Trump like he's a fast food menu item.

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What's next?

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Trump Zero Trump Classic Meanwhile, James Austin Johnson, the current

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Trump impersonator, is hanging onto his role like it's the

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last life jacket on the Titanic. One week, he's in

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the next He's cut faster than Trump's ties to his

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former allies. And let's not forget the star studded cast

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they did manage to wrangle.

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Dana Carvey is Biden.

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I guess they figured, if you're going to impersonate a fossil,

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might as well get another fossil to do it. And

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Andy Samberg is Doug Mhoff. That's like casting a chihuahua

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to play a Golden retriever. Sure they're both dogs, but

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come on, Michaels is out here publicly courting gillis like

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a desperate X calling the backlash to his hiring and overreaction.

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Talk about trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube.

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So picture this young Baron Trump suddenly thrust into the

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world of cryptocurrency. Now, most kids his age are worried

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about prom dates and SAT scores, But Baron, He's being

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hailed as a visionary in a field that's about a

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stable as a Jenga tower and an earthquake.

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Why you ask well.

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The Daily Beast reports that it seems a longtime Trump

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family friend, Steve Whitcoff, got it into Don's head that

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crypto would be the perfect way for Baron to cut

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his teeth in the business world. Witcoff's bright idea wasn't

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just about making Baron the next crypto wonderkind. Oh No,

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he thought this would protect the young Trump from all

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those nasty scammers out there in the wild west of

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digital currency. Because nothing says safe learning experience like diving

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headfirst into one of the most volatile markets known to man. Right,

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so there's Baron being touted as some sort of crypto

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prodigy in this new venture called World Liberty Financial Project,

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launched by Papa Trump and all three of his sons,

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Don Junior, Eric and yes, our boy Baron.

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But here's the kicker.

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When it came time for the big livestream launch, guess

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who was mi Ia. That's right, the so called visionary himself,

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Barren Trump. Now, before we dive into the colorful characters

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behind this venture, let's just take a moment to appreciate

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the irony. The same Donald Trump who once dismissed crypto

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as potentially a disaster waiting to happen. Is now all in,

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dragging his youngest son along for the ride. Talk about

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a plot twist. Portions of today's program were made with

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the help of AI, some NFTs and some cyber coins.

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Are we running some sort of scam here?