May 8, 2025

America Makes Popes Great Again

Show Notes
Transcript

Patrick Gutfield had to work TWICE today on what supposedly is a national holiday! Did you hear we have a new Pope and he is Pope Leo XIV from Chicago? We have the details, or at least some AI generated jokes.

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Callaroga Shark Media from Chicago, home of the new Pope.

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This is Ballot.

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That's right, America is making popes great again.

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Let's hit this.

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Hi, I'm Patrick Gutfield with a bonus episode of Ballot.

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You know it's important if I'm not in the bar

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at this time of day. So we've got ourselves. The

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first American pope in history, Robert Francis Privost from Chicago,

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has officially gone from de Bears to the Vatican. The

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sixty nine year old Chicago in won over one hundred

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and thirty three cardinals, proving that even Italians can be

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charmed by someone from the Windy City. And what a

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background this guy has. He spent twenty years in Peru,

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becoming a naturalized citizen there. That's right, we finally exported

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something to Latin America that wasn't a problematic foreign policy progress.

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According to Vatican insiders, Pope Leo is described as reserved

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and discreet, which makes him the first Chicago resident in

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history with those qualities. Usually Chicagoans will tell you they

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have the best pizza before you even ask their name.

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Pope Leo has spent most of his life outside the

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United States, which means he's the rare American who actually

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knows where other countries are on a map. He speaks

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Spanish and Italian, making him officially more multi lingual than

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ninety percent of our Congress. The papal selection process is fascinating.

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Cardinals cast repeated votes until there's a two thirds majority.

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When they reach a decision, white smoke billows from the chimney.

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It's like a gender reveal party, but for the entire

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Catholic Church, it's a pope. The most interesting part. The

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longest conclave in recent history took fourteen ballots over five days,

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but the all time record was the election of Pope

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Gregory in twelve seventy one, which took two years nine months.

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In the two days, the.

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Cardinals back then were probably like, can we just pick

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someone already? I've been wearing the same red outfit for

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two years. Our president wasted no time jumping on truth

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social to celebrate. It is such an honor to realize

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that he is the first American pope. What excitement and

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what a great honor for our country. I look forward

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to meeting Pope Leo. It will be a very meaningful moment.

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But hold on this relationship might be a bit more

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complicated than Trump's enthusiastic post suggests. The new Pope hasn't

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exactly been Trump's biggest fan. His verified ex account has

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been sharing articles criticizing the administration, including one that took

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aim at VP JD.

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Vance's interpretation of Jesus' teachings.

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In April, Pope Leo than Cardinal Privust even reposted criticism

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of Trump's mass deportation efforts, quoting Bishop Menjevar asking do

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you not see the suffering? Is your conscience not disturbed?

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How can you stay quiet?

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Awkward?

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Speaking of awkward, remember when Trump returned from Pope Francis's

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funeral and joke that he'd like to be Pope him

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Then he posted that ai image of himself dressed in

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papal attire. The Catholic Church must have loved that one.

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JD.

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Vance, who converted to Catholicism in twenty nineteen, managed to

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keep it classy despite the previous criticism, posting his congratulations

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and noting that millions of American Catholics and other Christians

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will pray for his successful work leading the church. Meanwhile,

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former Presidents Joe Biden and Barack Obama also offered their congratulations,

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with Obama calling it a historic day for the United

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States and mentioning their Chicago connection. Let's be honest, this

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is going to make for some interesting meetings. Trump wants

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a very meaningful moment with a pope who's basically been

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subtweeting him.

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That's not just a meeting.

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That's premium cable drama. While I'm here, let's check in

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on our new national holiday. Well, folks, the big day

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is here. President Trump's brand new May eighth holiday has arrived,

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and the nation is absolutely continuing exactly as normal. Let's

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run through the official Trump Holiday checklist to see all

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the exciting ways America is celebrating.

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Do you get the day off work? Nope.

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In fact, I wound up doing twice as many episodes

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as usual today. That's the exact opposite of awe. Our

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banks closed, not even slightly. They're open regular hours, processing deposits.

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And denying loans just like any other Thursday.

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The only thing less accessible than usual is Trump's tax

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returns mail delivery. The postal workers are out in full force.

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Trump's holiday has all the impact of me declaring my

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cat's birthday National Tuna day. The cat still wants tuna,

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and you still get bills in the mail. Government office

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is closed. They're open, which is ironic since Trump spent

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his presidency talking about shutting down the government and now

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he's created a holid where the government absolutely cannot shut down.

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Schools closed, kids are still.

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Learning their ABC's today, though given the circumstances, maybe they

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should add a pe for pre tend holiday to the curriculum.

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Stock market taking a break. Traders are buying and selling

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as we speak. The only thing trading differently today is

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Trump's definition of what constitutes a holiday. The stock market

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was actually up six hundred points today, probably because Trump

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took the day off from announcing tariffs.

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Retail stores closed.

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Every single one is open and ready for business, although

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they missed a prime opportunity for Victory Day sales, probably

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because they found out about this holiday approximately seventeen seconds

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before it happened. In summary, Trump has created the world's

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first holiday where the only festive activity is pretending something

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special is happening when absolutely nothing has changed.

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It's like throwing a.

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Surprise party where the surprise is that there is no party.

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So Happy Thursday, America.

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Remember to celebrate by doing exactly what you would have

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done anyway. Portions of today's show were made with the

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help of the Pope from Chicago, a Phantom Holiday, and

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good old American AI