Your Secret Leadership Superpower | Zovig Garboushian

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KiKi L'Italien: Today, we are
delving into a topic that could

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change the way you cultivate
self awareness at work. And in

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your day to day life. It could
change your life. This is

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important stuff. Joining us is
xovis gar Bhushan, the fiery

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force behind boldness ablaze a
boutique professional services

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firm dedicated to helping
leaders rediscover themselves as

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the primary source of truth.
Welcome, welcome. Welcome. zoic

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I'm so glad you're here.

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Unknown: Yes, I am, too. Thank

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KiKi L'Italien: you so much for
having me. Kiki. Yeah,

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absolutely. I mean, it was so
exciting. We were having a

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discussion and getting caught up
on some other stuff. And we

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started down this path of
talking about this topic. And I

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thought this is incredibly
important for everyone. I know,

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I can't think of some, I
actually can't think of anyone

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that I know who couldn't benefit
from talking about this. But

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following that, and following
scheduling, having you on the

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show, I read this statistic that
said, leaders today are not

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nearly as self aware as they
think they are with 95%, calling

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themselves self aware in a world
where just 10 to 15% of them

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actually are. And I know that on
your own website, I was looking,

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and you talk about how the most
effective leaders are the most

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self aware. So what is self
awareness? look like? How do we

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know if we have it? Yeah. All of
this stuff?

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Unknown: Yeah. I think the term
self awareness gets thrown

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around a lot. Right? And and I
think that we are smart people,

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we are really smart people. And
yes, we know about ourselves, we

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understand our personalities to
a degree. And so I think that

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many of us can misunderstand
what self awareness is, and the

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depths to which that can go and
the vital importance that it

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holds in our lives. So the way
that I define self awareness is

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really simple. It's the evolving
relationship that we have with

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ourselves. It is not static.
It's not a oh, I took this

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personality assessment are oh,
you know, I've worked with a

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therapist a few times or, and by
the way, those are amazing

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tools. I am not I use those
tools. I am not knocking those

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tools. But self awareness is
more than just that. There's no

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sort of getting there. Yes, I'm
aware. It's an evolving

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relationship that we have with
ourselves, because the

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relationship we have with
ourselves is our longest term

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relationship. And one we can't
really get out of.

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KiKi L'Italien: We're hoping we
don't get out of that long term

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relationship, for sure,

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Unknown: exactly. And so I think
that we can sometimes sacrifice

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knowing ourselves because we can
get very caught up in our lives

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and the doing of our lives. And
we can go our whole lives, we

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can live in our body our whole
lives and be the last people we

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get to know when I talk about
self awareness. I talk about it

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as being the ongoing
relationship that you have with

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yourself. And I think that I
don't think the way that I've

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crafted this is that it's got
three pieces to it. And the

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first one is curiosity for
yourself. Having curiosity about

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why you are the way you are, why
you react, the way you react,

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why you have the emotions you
have, why you made the choices

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you have like just an ongoing
curiosity about who you are and

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why you are. And when you have
curiosity, then you can have

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compassion for yourself. And
this one can be really tough,

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particularly for high
performers, high IQ, people who

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self identify as high achievers,
high performers, the consummate

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doers, the perfectionist, having
compassion for ourselves can be

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a tall order, the more curious I
am about who I am, the more

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compassionate I can be. Now,
that does not mean I let myself

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off the hook. It doesn't mean
that I am not accountable. I'm

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extremely accountable within
compassion. But compassion means

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i Under I give myself grace, I
give myself the benefit of the

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doubt. And I allow myself space
to make mistakes so that I can

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learn so that I can pursue
excellence, not perfectionism

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excellence. I

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KiKi L'Italien: think that's
such a hang up for so many

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people, myself included, because
I find myself thinking, if I'm

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harder on myself that I'm
somehow going to drive myself

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into more success. And, but
there's only so far that can get

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you before you begin to break
down. And this idea of being

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curious, I think, is really
interesting. Because on the

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front end, I'm thinking
Absolutely. Curiosity is great.

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And then in the back of my mind,
I'm thinking who has time for

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curiosity now?

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Unknown: I know, I know. But
it's, we all have time for it.

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KiKi L'Italien: Yeah. And Liz
here says Hi, Liz. Liz says big

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hang up here too. Oh, man. Yeah,
yeah, that's me. Yeah. So

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Unknown: if you have curiosity,
and you have compassion, then

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the third piece of the self
awareness is the self

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acceptance, both accepting
ourselves for who we are, but

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also who we are not. Because I'm
not everything to everyone and I

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don't have any interest in being
everything to everyone. I used

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to and I used to try. And that's
when things like impostor

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syndrome and anxiety would rear
their heads because I was trying

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to be something I wasn't. But if
we can accept who we are, then

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we can simply be the best
version of that, at any given

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time, instead of comparing
ourselves to people or to

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others, that we think we should
be more like,

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KiKi L'Italien: Oh, man. Okay,
so I'm struggling, because

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curiosity, I feel like okay, I
can get more curious compassion

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gonna be harder. It's gonna be
harder with self acceptance. Oh,

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xovis.

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Unknown: I have these are like
works. These are lifelong works.

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Again, there is no there to get
to. Right. I think that we also,

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I have thought this, can I just
get there? Why is this still

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bothering me? Why do I still
deal with this? Look, it's

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because we're human beings. And
because every time we go through

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something, we change, we shift,
and then that thing shows up

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again. And we're different in
relation to it. So it's not like

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I'm still dealing with this.
It's a look at this, it's

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showing up for me again, and
look how different I am now, to

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be able to move through this in
a different way. And accepting

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ourselves. That's a lifelong
work. That's not a I have

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arrived. I'm fully self
accepting. Because if it were

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just me, in this world, it'd be
it would be so easy to focus on

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me and be compassionate about me
and but I'm not living on a

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mountaintop by myself. Oh, we
have other inputs happening. We

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have other information. We have
people's opinions, we have world

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events, we have all these things
that can affect us and make us

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question and think. And so
that's why it's a practice. It's

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not a perfect moment is a
practice, Curiosity is a

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practice.

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KiKi L'Italien: That's good, I
need to practice I need to get

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busy practicing. I, I laugh,
because it's something that I

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know is so critical and so
important. Liz here. So she says

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acceptance is hard to grasp,
because for some not me,

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obviously, it feels like it can
lead to complacency. And then we

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have Facebook user, hi, Facebook
user, Facebook user, a Facebook

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user, not only are individuals
often not self aware

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organizations, associations
failed to be self aware, how do

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you apply the concept to
associations as well as people?

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Oh, that's a good question. Good
question. Facebook user

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Unknown: came with a good
question. So this is true.

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Because as individuals, we tend
to focus on what I do, how I do

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it, the results I'm producing, I
have to do all these things in

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order to prove my value. And
businesses are often set up the

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same way organizations
associations are set up the same

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way. What are we creating? What
are we putting out? What are the

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results? What are the, what's
the ROI? What's the KPI? What

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are all the other acronyms we
use in business? And those are

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the things that we reward our
people for by producing, I say

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this a lot. No one ever got a
bonus for being the most self

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aware. But maybe they should.
Because when a person is more

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self aware, their ability to
produce and be at a level of

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excellence is higher.

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KiKi L'Italien: Okay, so pause,
because that's why we're here,

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right? Because we're talking
about leadership. And that

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question of, of what is self
awareness have to do? Why is it

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that this top 10 to 15% of
leaders are the most self aware?

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What is the connection there?
And so talk to me more about

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this. Tell me more? What is that
connection between self

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awareness

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Unknown: and leadership? Yeah,
so the more that we understand,

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the more I'm going to say me, so
the more I understand myself,

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the more I connect with what I
know to be true, my true

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motivations, my true purpose, my
true goals, my acceptance of

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myself as being this but not
that, and that helps me make

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decisions faster, because I
don't get thrown by the

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committee that screaming their
opinions at me, it helps me be

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more resilient because I know
who I am. So even if I've made a

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mistake, which happens in
leadership all the time, big and

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small, you can give yourself the
ability to learn from those

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mistakes. And so your resilience
is higher, right? You're not

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beating yourself down. You're
not like Coulda, Woulda,

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Shoulda, or ruminating, and all
all the things that didn't work,

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and we can never let these
things happen again, we're not

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living in fear. When we
understand ourselves when we're

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connected to who we are. We are
our greatest source of truth.

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I'm not talking about deluding
yourself. I want to be clear

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because doesn't just mean you're
deluding yourself. If you're not

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taking outside opinion. I'm not
saying don't take outside

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opinion. I'm not saying make up
your own stories about life. I'm

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saying check in with yourself
because we often have the

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answers in us. It's just the
thing that prevents us from

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getting to those answers is that
we have emotions, we have fear,

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we have to worry about getting
it right or getting it wrong.

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And so self awareness helps us
break through that clutter.

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Faster. Not never experience
those things, right? It's that

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we move through them faster, we
move through them more

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efficiently and more intact, it
doesn't break us down, that

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KiKi L'Italien: moving through
them faster. When do you know

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that you're skipping past the
pieces that require the work to

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process them versus actually
dealing with this legitimately

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dealing with it authentically
and processing it in a healthy

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way?

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Unknown: I'm gonna say this, and
I don't want this to sound like

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I'm being flipped. You know, I
know when I'm skipping past my

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emotions, I know when I'm Skip
trying to skip past the hard

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part and just get to the end. I
know, because I don't feel

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physically I don't feel right.
Like my physical body will give

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me clues as to like, I can feel
nervousness, I, my stomach has

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butterflies, maybe my throat
gets closes up a little bit, my

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neck gets a little tension. So
my physical body will give me

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information. But also I need to
look at what's happening around

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me, how are people responding to
me, if they're not responding

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the way that I had hoped, or the
way that I had intended for

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them, then there's a gap here,
I'm probably skipping something.

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And so that actually, it makes
me think I need to say this,

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too. When we are self aware, we
understand the impact that we

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have on other people. We don't
just move through and knock

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things over. And bull in china
shop sort of metaphor, we don't

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do that we are interested at
looking at how we engage with

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others. And being intentional
about that and understanding how

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others perceive us.

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KiKi L'Italien: I think for a
lot of us, especially even as

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we've been established for maybe
a long time I've been I've spent

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over 20 years working in the
association industry, I feel

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like I should know how to do
this better now. When you're in

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the middle of doing the work
that you're doing, and you feel

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that fear, you understand that
maybe you know you're struggling

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a little bit with that self
acceptance part, you're

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struggling a little bit with
that compassion part. How can

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you get into the flow, so to
speak, how can you get on track

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to begin to work on that self
awareness so that you can move

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in a more positive direction
more quickly.

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Unknown: So when you if you're
aware enough to notice that

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you're feeling a specific
emotion, or that you're having

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an experience, I think you're
one step ahead right there.

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Because the first thing we have
to do is notice that thing is

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happening. We tend to object to
our own emotions, I shouldn't be

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scared, I shouldn't be. I
shouldn't have anxiety, this is

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wrong, I need to make it stop.
And so we try to push past it.

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Or pretend like it's not
happening. But if you notice

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that it's happening, that's
great. Notice it, name it. And

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then get curious about it. What
am I afraid of? That's where

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Curiosity comes in. What am I
actually afraid of right now

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what scares me the most. And
this not to be like an indulgent

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exercise. It's simply to unearth
it so that you can face it, when

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we have a name for something, we
can address it. If I have

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symptoms in my physical body,
but I don't have a name for what

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I have, it becomes really hard
to treat it. And so it's the

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same with our emotions. We and
not just saying, Oh, I feel

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really anger. Oh, I feel
anxious. Like those are yes,

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those are emotions. But there's
nuances to these things. Maybe

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it's just frustration, maybe
it's dread. Maybe it's a worry

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that something from the past is
going to happen again, get

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really specific and get curious,
why am I feeling this way? And

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what's actually true about this?
What is it about me that I know

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in my bones that will move me
through this? I call that bone

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knowledge. I know in my bones
that I can move through this

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stuff. And some of it also is
just making the choice to move

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through it and say I'm going to
do this with the fear with the

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anxiety with the whatever it is
I'm feeling I'm choosing to do

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this anyway. And that's working
from the outside in then we see

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ourselves succeed. And look at
that I did it and I didn't die.

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Nothing happens. I just I did
it. So

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KiKi L'Italien: hard. This is
translate to what ends up

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happening on the other side of
it. Yeah, I'm learning how to

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process I'm learning how to get
curious. I'm learning how to

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have once I identify that I'm
learning how to have more

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compassion for myself. And to
have more self acceptance, how

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does that end up translating to
my relationships with others?

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Unknown: Yeah, then we can speak
our truths and set boundaries,

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because we're not as afraid that
people will walk away. Or if for

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some reason they do walk away we
know and trust that we'll be

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okay. In our personal
relationships, it's being able

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to own what's important to us
and be able to You know that we

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are an individual complete
entity within this relationship.

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We're not in complete without
the relationship. So it's

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feeling whole and complete. And
that then allows us to speak up

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when we need to, to push back to
take time for ourselves when we

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need it. And to be honest, and
truthful and loving to the other

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person without expecting them to
fulfill something for us in

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return. Yeah.

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KiKi L'Italien: I love that.
Because I think one of my

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favorite topics, anyone who's a
regular listener, or watcher of

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the work that I do, they know
that I love talking about trust.

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And that's one of the key things
with trust, too, is that it

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starts with self trust. You
trust yourself. You do the

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things you say you're going to
do. It allows you to trust

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others. Yeah.

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Unknown: If you trust yourself,
then it doesn't matter what

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happens around you, because you
know that you will find a way.

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Yeah,

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KiKi L'Italien: yeah. Okay, so I
have a serious question here.

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And that person, I like I'm
revealing too much, because I

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want your information so much.
And that is, okay. So I'm pretty

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good about feeling when I'm
tense or worried about stuff.

272
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But what if I still have a
little bit of that impostor

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syndrome? And I am definitely
going like, does everyone think

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I'm a fraud? Does everyone is
everyone waiting for me to fail

275
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all of these questions. And I
asked this, because maybe when

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you're starting out, you're
afraid that people are going to

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go on to say that you don't have
enough experience. Now I have a

278
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lot of experience. But I'm
afraid constantly that people

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are waiting for me to fail
waiting for me to make the next

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wrong step. Right. And so how do
you deal with that? Talk to me

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about that one,

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Unknown: I think sometimes we
can have those stories go on in

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our heads, and then we own them
like they are ours. This is

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where we can create a little bit
of space between the experience

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that we're having and ourselves.
So I have experienced this word.

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I am feeling this I am the
anxiety I am the worry, I am the

287
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self consciousness. No, those
are just things I'm

288
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experiencing, but they are not
who I am. And so I think

289
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language is really language,
when we talk to ourselves is

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really important. When we use
the words, I am something you

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better believe we're going to go
live into it. If I say Oh, I'm a

292
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total control freak, you better
believe I'm gonna go behave that

293
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way. And so we have to be
careful with how we talk about

294
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ourselves to ourselves, because
we follow suit, right? Is Phil,

295
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instead of saying I am, I have
impostor syndrome, like you own

296
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it, like you embody it, or I'm
so scared that people are

297
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thinking these things of me.
Consider it as an as an

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impermanent experience. Gosh,
I'm really feeling fear right

299
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now. Firing through my head. And
so when we talk to ourselves,

300
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that way, we can create space
between ourselves and that

301
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story, because that's really
what it is. It's a story. It

302
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came from somewhere. It's not
like it, it came from somewhere,

303
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right? There's a reason that
it's there. But are we just

304
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reliving? Are we like trying to
solve a problem that no longer

305
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exists with that story? Are we
just making the choice to relive

306
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it, I don't know that these are
individual experiences, but

307
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:28,110
putting a little space between
us and the experience that we

308
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are having, and trusting that
this is not a permanent state.

309
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It's not a permanent state. And,
and just saying, I am, I'm

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getting in my own head right now
and noticing that the story can

311
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take on a life of its own. But
who's in charge here, Kiki, who

312
00:18:44,430 --> 00:18:46,980
made a story? So who gets to
interrupt the story?

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KiKi L'Italien: Yeah, it's you.
It's me. You

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Unknown: can tell me you can be
like, Zelda, you're the worst.

315
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Such an such ever. And I would
say, Okay, that's interesting.

316
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You could tell me you're the
worst executive coach ever. They

317
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,360
fit me right. I don't think he
would say that to me. He goes,

318
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You're lovely. But let's say you
did say that. That's my

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livelihood. That's what I do.
And I would listen to that. And

320
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I would know, that is not
inherently

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KiKi L'Italien: true. Yeah, we
have Facebook. Sorry to cut you

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off. Okay. Facebook user says,
Yes, language is so critical and

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how we self talk, and similarly
how we talk to and about others.

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Isn't it though, is an I'll tell
a little story about my own

325
00:19:31,530 --> 00:19:36,360
family. This is something where
my husband last year was talking

326
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about how he wouldn't be able to
find a job that would allow him

327
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to work from home where we are
now and at the same level where

328
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he was before. And I said Don't
say that. Quit saying that.

329
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Don't say that out loud. There's
no reason that has to be true by

330
00:19:56,070 --> 00:20:00,300
you saying that you're limiting
what you think is possible. Just

331
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don't say that ye speak that
into existence. And it can sound

332
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a little woowoo. But I don't
think it is I still have work to

333
00:20:08,730 --> 00:20:11,730
do on it. Man, I still have work
to do. You're not

334
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Unknown: alone. Kiki, I think
that what sets some people apart

335
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is the ability to admit, I still
have I still work through this.

336
00:20:17,790 --> 00:20:20,310
And it still shows up for me.
And I work through it and it

337
00:20:20,310 --> 00:20:25,080
shows up for me. Yeah, and that.
And that doesn't mean that I'm

338
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:30,120
not excellent at what I do or
worthy of being here or

339
00:20:30,510 --> 00:20:33,360
whatever. It doesn't equate to
that. It just means it's

340
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something I still work through.
Those

341
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KiKi L'Italien: of us who are
trying to improve, we're trying

342
00:20:37,170 --> 00:20:40,320
to learn, we're trying to get
better at what we do. And we

343
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:44,340
think, Oh, I'm on a good streak.
I'm doing the things I'm

344
00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:48,060
supposed to do. I decided I was
going to work out, I'm going to

345
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increase my energy. I'm going to
put the cold water on before I

346
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get out of the shower. I don't
know. If we're doing well, we're

347
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going and then we hit that day,
right? Something awful happens.

348
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And then something else awful
happens. And I'll speak for me.

349
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There are many times where that
day happens. And at this point,

350
00:21:10,050 --> 00:21:13,230
it's happened enough where I'm
like, oh, man, don't let this

351
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:16,980
derail you don't let it derail
you, you know what can happen?

352
00:21:17,340 --> 00:21:21,420
But it can throw me off in the
past, it has thrown me off where

353
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,470
I'm like, What am I doing wrong?
I start attacking myself, I

354
00:21:25,470 --> 00:21:29,460
start becoming very critical. Is
it because of the one thing that

355
00:21:29,460 --> 00:21:33,900
wasn't perfect? And just
chiseling away at my self

356
00:21:33,900 --> 00:21:37,110
confidence on how I'm living my
life. And it can be on the

357
00:21:37,110 --> 00:21:39,780
smallest things. Yeah. What

358
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Unknown: you're talking about is
all or nothing thinking. Yeah,

359
00:21:42,810 --> 00:21:46,020
like unless it's perfect, which
who even knows what perfect is

360
00:21:46,020 --> 00:21:50,850
anyway? Less, it's perfect. It
doesn't count. Unless I did it

361
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:55,740
all myself. I didn't actually do
it. Unless I did all of the

362
00:21:55,740 --> 00:22:00,690
things every time every day. I'm
not unless I work out every day

363
00:22:00,690 --> 00:22:05,460
or six days a week for the next
10 years. I'm not healthy. And

364
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,130
that all or nothing thinking
diminishes us.

365
00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:13,920
KiKi L'Italien: It does. I catch
it. I caught it yesterday, and I

366
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:18,090
was getting ready. I've been
preparing and working on putting

367
00:22:18,090 --> 00:22:21,720
out a new feature on Association
Chat, go to Association Chat,

368
00:22:21,780 --> 00:22:24,870
comm to check it out. But
putting this new feature because

369
00:22:24,870 --> 00:22:27,840
I wanted to put all of these
different podcasts together,

370
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:31,200
there's a group of association
podcasters, who have like we're

371
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,980
on WhatsApp, and we talk to each
other regularly. And so I

372
00:22:34,980 --> 00:22:37,200
thought, oh, let's organize
this. And we'll have a

373
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,080
downloadable spreadsheet, we'll
add to it and there'll be a

374
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,010
playlist and people can listen
to all of them. And I sent it to

375
00:22:44,010 --> 00:22:47,610
a friend of mine ahead of time.
And I said, really nervous about

376
00:22:47,610 --> 00:22:50,460
putting this out there and just
like promoting it and making it

377
00:22:50,460 --> 00:22:55,110
live. And she said Why? And I
said, Because I'm afraid that's

378
00:22:55,110 --> 00:22:57,870
not good enough. And she said,
ah Watch out. That's good girl

379
00:22:57,870 --> 00:23:01,080
thinking Be careful. And I'm
like, Okay, I'm gonna go ahead

380
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:06,540
and do it. And sure enough, it's
even in it I'm asking for and

381
00:23:06,540 --> 00:23:09,690
truly, if anybody's watching
this or listening, send in the

382
00:23:09,690 --> 00:23:12,480
podcast that needs to be on the
list. That's why we're building

383
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:16,680
it. But there was a post
somewhere else where someone was

384
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:21,870
like picking at it. And it
really fed into my fear. Because

385
00:23:21,870 --> 00:23:25,920
I felt see, oh my gosh, that's
what I was afraid of all of the

386
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:30,900
fear of putting something out.
But if you listen to it, you'll

387
00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:35,700
never do anything. If you listen
to the fear. If you worry and

388
00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:39,390
worry and wait for perfection
that day will never come it will

389
00:23:39,390 --> 00:23:43,770
not be posted it will not go
live. That idea will not happen

390
00:23:44,070 --> 00:23:45,300
because of the fear.

391
00:23:45,780 --> 00:23:48,540
Unknown: So this feels like it
connects to a comment that's in

392
00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:52,260
the chat that says that was said
acceptance is hard to grasp

393
00:23:52,260 --> 00:23:55,590
because for some it feels like
it could lead to complacency.

394
00:23:56,190 --> 00:23:58,710
When we're not perfect, we're
complacent when we're not

395
00:23:58,710 --> 00:24:02,190
beating ourselves up we're
complacent when it wasn't done

396
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,930
when it wasn't done at 100% or
what somebody else deemed 100%

397
00:24:06,930 --> 00:24:10,050
We're complacent acceptance of
ourselves compassion with

398
00:24:10,050 --> 00:24:13,980
ourselves giving ourselves a
break is not complacency because

399
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,580
I didn't say don't be
accountable right we are adults

400
00:24:17,610 --> 00:24:20,490
we have accountabilities we
commit to things we do them we

401
00:24:20,490 --> 00:24:22,800
do them to the best of our
ability and then we get better

402
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:27,060
at it every time but beating our
there was I don't know beating

403
00:24:27,060 --> 00:24:30,660
ourselves up at you remember
that there's a song like that

404
00:24:30,660 --> 00:24:36,210
website some E cards it like did
snarky sassy. Yes. Was one e

405
00:24:36,210 --> 00:24:39,990
card that said the beatings will
continue until morale improves.

406
00:24:40,290 --> 00:24:44,130
That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah.
And that just cracks me up now

407
00:24:44,130 --> 00:24:49,230
because it's, we really do think
that I have to pummel, er I have

408
00:24:49,230 --> 00:24:52,680
to humble myself. And to get
this right in order for it to

409
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:56,640
matter in order for it to count
in order for it to add value. In

410
00:24:56,640 --> 00:25:02,850
order for me to have value And
that does nothing but break us

411
00:25:02,850 --> 00:25:06,960
down. Would you do that to a
friend? No, he wouldn't do that

412
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,150
to your child. You wouldn't do
that to a friend you wouldn't.

413
00:25:09,180 --> 00:25:12,000
That's just not how you behave
outwardly. Why would we do that?

414
00:25:12,030 --> 00:25:12,810
Internally,

415
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,390
KiKi L'Italien: there are also
the situations where the well

416
00:25:15,390 --> 00:25:21,120
meaning professional is moving
through their life. And they're

417
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:25,920
saying yes, so vague, okay, look
at I like I am getting curious

418
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:30,870
about about these fears, or the
emotions that I'm feeling the

419
00:25:30,870 --> 00:25:33,960
sadness or the loneliness, I'm
getting curious. I'm asking

420
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:38,550
myself what's going on here? I'm
giving myself compassion. I'm

421
00:25:38,550 --> 00:25:41,580
even giving myself self
acceptance. I'm being

422
00:25:41,580 --> 00:25:45,240
accountable. But I'm and I'm not
being complacent, being

423
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:49,290
accountable. I'm walking through
and still bad stuff happens.

424
00:25:50,250 --> 00:25:50,700
Welcome

425
00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:51,360
Unknown: to life.

426
00:25:51,810 --> 00:25:55,470
KiKi L'Italien: I mean, I know
it doesn't magic hypnotically?

427
00:25:55,530 --> 00:25:59,640
No, it's not gonna make your
problems go away, oh, it changes

428
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,300
Unknown: how you relate to those
problems. It changes how you

429
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:06,300
think about yourself in relation
to those problems, you could

430
00:26:06,300 --> 00:26:09,360
have a problem. And then the
result, the response could be,

431
00:26:09,570 --> 00:26:11,850
I'm not good at this. I can't do
this, again, can't take any more

432
00:26:11,850 --> 00:26:14,520
risks, not going to put that
podcast out the podcast

433
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,070
collection now. Because that one
person had a thing about it.

434
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,910
That's one way of responding.
The other way is, okay, what's

435
00:26:20,910 --> 00:26:23,220
true about this? What can I get
from this? What's some good

436
00:26:23,220 --> 00:26:25,530
feedback I can take away? And
what's the rest I can leave

437
00:26:25,530 --> 00:26:29,040
behind? And how can I strengthen
myself? Because if I really want

438
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:33,210
to do this, or I really care
about this, or it's in me to do

439
00:26:33,210 --> 00:26:38,310
this, why would I allow what
happened with the cost to me, if

440
00:26:38,310 --> 00:26:43,200
I allow myself to be stopped?
Bad stuffs, bad, quick quotes,

441
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,870
if you can't see me, I'm doing
quotes, the bad stuff, things

442
00:26:45,870 --> 00:26:48,900
happen, everybody. It's not
about those things never

443
00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:52,620
happening, or you never feeling
sadness or anxiety. It's about

444
00:26:52,620 --> 00:26:56,490
how you relate to them, and how
you move through them. That's

445
00:26:56,490 --> 00:26:57,390
the difference.

446
00:26:58,470 --> 00:27:01,110
KiKi L'Italien: So when we're
thinking about our mantras, when

447
00:27:01,110 --> 00:27:04,290
we're thinking about our
language, even as we're just our

448
00:27:04,290 --> 00:27:07,620
regular language, and
communicating with others, the

449
00:27:07,620 --> 00:27:12,210
way that we communicate and our
emails and everything, but

450
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:15,780
especially the way that we're
talking to ourselves, on an

451
00:27:15,780 --> 00:27:20,130
ongoing basis, internally, and
just thinking through things.

452
00:27:21,390 --> 00:27:25,200
That's not some sort of magic
elixir, like these are not magic

453
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:30,240
that's going to protect you from
trouble. Life will throw some

454
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:36,750
challenges occasionally. But you
are better able to be honest

455
00:27:36,750 --> 00:27:40,950
with yourself, look, and get
curious and go through these

456
00:27:40,950 --> 00:27:46,230
steps and be able to be more
resilient in the end. Because

457
00:27:46,500 --> 00:27:50,340
you've been training yourself on
these good habits, right? It's

458
00:27:50,340 --> 00:27:54,060
Unknown: a good word training is
a great way that's a great way

459
00:27:54,060 --> 00:27:57,450
to think about it. Yeah, this is
exercise for the mind and heart.

460
00:27:57,870 --> 00:28:01,890
KiKi L'Italien: Mm hmm. I need
more exercises. Avik, what are

461
00:28:01,890 --> 00:28:04,650
some exercises I can do? There's
all kinds

462
00:28:04,650 --> 00:28:06,840
Unknown: of ways to cultivate
your self awareness and to

463
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,810
develop the relationship with
that you have with yourself,

464
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:12,780
there are the obvious ones, yes,
if you have the means and the

465
00:28:12,780 --> 00:28:16,710
ability to work with a coach,
someone like me or a therapist,

466
00:28:16,860 --> 00:28:20,310
if there are things, things that
need to be resolved, do that.

467
00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:23,190
There are of course, there are
all kinds of assessments you can

468
00:28:23,190 --> 00:28:27,000
take, there are groups and
communities that you can join

469
00:28:27,030 --> 00:28:30,360
for different industries, also
different personal challenges

470
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:36,900
that we experienced. Getting
feedback is a very cost

471
00:28:36,900 --> 00:28:42,030
efficient slash free to book the
way of reflecting. If you ask

472
00:28:42,030 --> 00:28:47,310
people for feedback, listen to
it. That's a really great tool

473
00:28:47,310 --> 00:28:50,460
that's a really good ongoing
practice that we can do is to

474
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:54,090
request feedback, and in
organizations and companies to

475
00:28:54,090 --> 00:28:58,800
make feedback part of the every
day. And it's not always

476
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:02,160
critical feedback. It's
appreciation. It's coaching, and

477
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:06,780
it's the evaluation type of
feedback. You can sit for five

478
00:29:06,780 --> 00:29:09,330
minutes in the morning we I
don't know when I hear I don't

479
00:29:09,330 --> 00:29:11,520
have time. I'm like just five
minutes. You got five minutes in

480
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,350
the morning or five minutes
right before you go to bed to

481
00:29:13,350 --> 00:29:17,640
sit and just reflect what worked
today. What did I like about how

482
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:20,610
I responded? How did I feel
today? What do I have going on

483
00:29:20,610 --> 00:29:24,990
tomorrow? And give yourself the
moment to reflect just those

484
00:29:24,990 --> 00:29:28,830
right? If you can handle because
that activates a different part

485
00:29:28,830 --> 00:29:31,500
of your brain but writing these
things down and getting them out

486
00:29:31,500 --> 00:29:37,950
of your brain and into the world
is a really powerful practice it

487
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:41,730
and when I hear people say
particular people leadership

488
00:29:41,730 --> 00:29:43,470
like I don't have time for
coaching I don't have time for

489
00:29:43,470 --> 00:29:45,990
self reflection. I don't have
time for that. It's really

490
00:29:46,020 --> 00:29:50,070
interesting to me because what
kind of leader do you expect

491
00:29:50,070 --> 00:29:54,030
yourself to be if you're not
taking care of yourself? How

492
00:29:54,060 --> 00:29:58,710
effective can you be in showing
other people how to be resilient

493
00:29:58,710 --> 00:30:02,910
and high performing and be able
to make decisions and own, have

494
00:30:02,910 --> 00:30:08,010
ownership and feel empowered, if
you are not watering that garden

495
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:08,820
in yourself.

496
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,240
KiKi L'Italien: If we're not
taking that time to reflect,

497
00:30:12,930 --> 00:30:18,120
we're missing out on a huge part
of what life is because we're

498
00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:21,180
skipping past that piece where
we're supposed to be learning

499
00:30:21,420 --> 00:30:26,940
and applying and then moving
forward. And I don't know

500
00:30:26,940 --> 00:30:32,460
becoming better, more happily in
meshed in our own existence in

501
00:30:32,460 --> 00:30:37,140
life. Yeah, what we were before.
What's the point? If we're not

502
00:30:37,140 --> 00:30:41,610
doing Yeah, right. Yeah. So I
think about this, and I think

503
00:30:41,610 --> 00:30:45,270
there are always ways to improve
you the training never stops.

504
00:30:46,050 --> 00:30:50,250
Speaking of training, this came
in Liz, she's saying I love this

505
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:53,130
the training on the good
patterns before you need them.

506
00:30:53,310 --> 00:30:56,760
Put on the parachute before you
fall out of the airplane. Yeah,

507
00:30:56,820 --> 00:30:59,310
Unknown: yeah. All good
metaphors, I've Yeah, I think

508
00:30:59,340 --> 00:31:02,610
that you have to reach out to
trying to solve these problems

509
00:31:02,610 --> 00:31:05,460
in our own heads is just a one
way ticket to disappointment.

510
00:31:05,490 --> 00:31:07,980
There's only so much that can
happen within our own minds. And

511
00:31:07,980 --> 00:31:11,910
usually our minds are full of so
much clutter that you know,

512
00:31:11,910 --> 00:31:15,450
especially if there's time of
disaster in times of disaster,

513
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:19,530
or real, big issues or big
challenges, being in our own

514
00:31:19,530 --> 00:31:22,920
heads and alone in this stuff
does not work. So whether that's

515
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,320
enlisting the help of a
professional like a coach or

516
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:29,190
therapist, or it's creating
great leaning on your community,

517
00:31:29,490 --> 00:31:32,580
meaning who are your three
people, you don't have to have a

518
00:31:32,580 --> 00:31:35,220
big community who are your three
people coming out of yourself

519
00:31:35,250 --> 00:31:38,640
and acknowledging that there's
something going on, that you're

520
00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:41,310
dealing with, whether that's a
work thing, or it's a personal

521
00:31:41,310 --> 00:31:44,460
thing, or something in between
acknowledging and getting it out

522
00:31:44,460 --> 00:31:49,020
of your head and into the world
so that you can play with it and

523
00:31:49,020 --> 00:31:53,340
look at it from all sides and
bring some intellectual power,

524
00:31:53,340 --> 00:31:58,830
but also some emotional power to
it. To to figure out how best to

525
00:31:58,830 --> 00:32:02,610
get yourself through it.
Usually, we don't look at things

526
00:32:02,610 --> 00:32:07,830
unless they're, they've totally
gone kaput. Right? And I that's

527
00:32:07,830 --> 00:32:10,230
why I love the idea of putting
on the parachute before you

528
00:32:10,230 --> 00:32:13,470
fall. Because we don't
hopefully, we're not waiting to

529
00:32:13,470 --> 00:32:17,670
start exercising the minute we
get sick. But listen, that's

530
00:32:17,670 --> 00:32:20,040
what happens sometimes, when
we're suddenly we realize,

531
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,620
especially at work, I've been
called in the times like, Oh,

532
00:32:22,620 --> 00:32:25,560
our team is not doing well, or
oh, we were having disaster with

533
00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:27,480
this big change that we're
trying to go through. And we

534
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:31,170
need some triage. That happens.
But so the first thing to do is

535
00:32:31,170 --> 00:32:34,140
to recognize it acknowledge
what's actually happening. How

536
00:32:34,140 --> 00:32:36,510
did we get here? How did I get
here? What choice did it make

537
00:32:36,510 --> 00:32:39,450
that got me here? And what
choices do I want to make to get

538
00:32:39,450 --> 00:32:43,830
me out? Where do I want to be? I
think it's not just about

539
00:32:43,830 --> 00:32:47,100
looking backwards. It is more
about looking forward. This

540
00:32:47,100 --> 00:32:49,080
isn't what I want them. What do
I want to create?

541
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:51,180
KiKi L'Italien: Oh,

542
00:32:51,900 --> 00:32:54,330
Unknown: what do I want to
create here? Because then

543
00:32:54,390 --> 00:32:57,630
active, you're not complacent.
You've gotten curious. You've

544
00:32:57,630 --> 00:33:00,390
been compassionate. You've had
acceptance for what's happened.

545
00:33:00,540 --> 00:33:05,460
But now you're being active.
Yeah. Where do I want to go?

546
00:33:05,970 --> 00:33:07,860
KiKi L'Italien: Where do you
want to go? What do you want to

547
00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:12,510
create? What do you want to have
in existence? What would this

548
00:33:12,510 --> 00:33:16,050
look like? Yeah, if it were
working out and better? Yeah.

549
00:33:16,050 --> 00:33:16,680
And it can be

550
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:18,990
Unknown: this big existential
question, like, what do I want

551
00:33:18,990 --> 00:33:21,750
in my life? And that's great. I
love those conversations and

552
00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:24,840
talks. But also it's like in the
moment in when a problem is

553
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:28,350
happening, okay, what's, what do
we want here? What's the

554
00:33:28,350 --> 00:33:30,960
solution? What's the immediate
solution? What's the first step

555
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:35,100
we can take? What do I want to
actually have in existence, and

556
00:33:35,100 --> 00:33:38,940
then we go toward that, then we
have a place to go, then we know

557
00:33:38,940 --> 00:33:44,910
what to do. Or at least we know
what to try. Love that Facebook

558
00:33:44,910 --> 00:33:48,240
KiKi L'Italien: user low write
us there. And I'm so glad I

559
00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:53,160
tuned in hashtag awesome. I'm
glad you tuned in to. I have to

560
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:56,910
say people are probably going to
want to reach out and follow I

561
00:33:56,910 --> 00:34:00,420
know you've got a podcast is
coming up and all of this stuff.

562
00:34:00,690 --> 00:34:05,670
What are the best ways that they
can find you? Yeah, where should

563
00:34:05,670 --> 00:34:09,780
they reach out and seek more
resources? Yeah,

564
00:34:09,779 --> 00:34:12,329
Unknown: a couple. So I have a
couple of websites. My coaching

565
00:34:12,329 --> 00:34:16,889
website is boldness ablaze.
coaching.com and wholeness

566
00:34:16,919 --> 00:34:20,639
ablaze. coaching.com. And then
my yeah, there it is. boltless

567
00:34:20,639 --> 00:34:23,069
Elise coaching.com. And then you
can also reach me at just

568
00:34:23,099 --> 00:34:27,629
zubik.com That's where I keep
all of my speaking. stuff. So

569
00:34:27,629 --> 00:34:31,529
zoic.com And then I am launching
a podcast. It's called when does

570
00:34:31,529 --> 00:34:35,099
it get good and it is live with
a trailer on all the podcast

571
00:34:35,099 --> 00:34:39,269
platforms, Apple, Spotify, all
of the above. So when does it

572
00:34:39,269 --> 00:34:41,789
get good as the name of the
podcast? You can also honestly

573
00:34:41,789 --> 00:34:44,519
I'm gonna give you my email,
email me at Zomig at boldness

574
00:34:44,519 --> 00:34:47,669
ablaze.com. Do you want to send
me a message if you're curious

575
00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:52,139
about what this is all about?
Coaching etc. I'd love to have

576
00:34:52,139 --> 00:34:54,539
you and then of course LinkedIn.
You can find me on LinkedIn as

577
00:34:54,539 --> 00:34:58,379
well. Find me everywhere. finder
everywhere. Yeah. Thank you

578
00:34:58,379 --> 00:34:58,829
Kiki.