We All Deal with It, But Not the Same

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Welcome to Association Chat Podcast, the
podcast for association professionals.

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You're going to walk away from each
episode with thoughts on life's challenges

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mixed with a little bit of humor.

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I'm Kiki Litalian, and this is an
Association Chat Shorty episode where

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we explore a little bit of everything.

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Today, we're talking about something
that we will all face at some point

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in our lives, and that is grief.

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I know, not a funny topic.

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So here's a question I've been dealing
with personally this past week.

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Why is bereavement handled so differently?

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everywhere.

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I lost my mother after a sudden illness.

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And to say that it caught me completely
off guard is an understatement, but not

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because she was in wonderful health.

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She wasn't, she was 84 years old.

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And so, you know, the possibility of
this happening, it wasn't so remote.

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In fact, my sister and I had spent the
previous year, just trying to get her

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into a place, um, independent living
place where she would basically have

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more socialization with other people
and, uh, have somebody looking after her.

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But I had no idea.

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of the physicality of grief, the actual
impact on my own health, not to mention

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this emotional impact that has hit me
like some sort of brick in my chest, the

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weight of which is, it's getting a little
bit easier, but it's really, really hard.

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My sister and I, and my, my two older.

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We're, we're lucky in that we had set
everything up from a power of attorney to

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talking through her end of life wishes.

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We had her will and testament
drawn up and she'd agreed to that.

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So like this stuff was
not catching us off guard.

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So I don't want anyone to, to hear
this and to think that we were

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in some sort of unhappy, terrible
situation when this event occurred.

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And yet.

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I still felt and feel so
unsure about what to do.

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One minute I'm going through my life like
normal and the next I don't know if I need

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to wear black, celebrate life with bright
colors, go to my normal dental cleaning

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appointments, uh, I'm breaking down in
the mall during back to school shopping.

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I mean, like I was not prepared.

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Considering this is something that's
going to happen to most people

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at some point in their lives, you
know, I, I was, I was shocked, um,

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at how ill prepared I really was.

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So what's the deal?

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Why is this so hard?

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Why doesn't our culture make
it easier to know what to do?

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After all, the only things that we know we
can depend on are death and taxes, right?

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I mean, that's the way it is and we
laugh about it and Yet here we are and

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I think back to people who have lost
their parents before Right the people I

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know and I had no idea of the the just
absolute impact it has on many people.

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So here's the thing.

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Grief's confusing.

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I mean, who really knows what to do?

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In the United States, the way we
handle it is all over the map.

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Used to be a lot more clear cut.

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used to be pre World War II, people would
wear black for a certain amount of time.

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And then it became like an
armband that was a black armband.

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And that indicated to people in social
situations, Hey, look, this person might

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be dealing with something that's hard.

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Maybe we treat them a little bit
differently, a little more carefully.

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Um, because they're going through
something difficult versus my situation

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where I'm going through a mall trying
to take my daughter back to school

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shopping and I have someone accosting
me to try to put moisturizer on my face

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and I'm like, I want you to go to hell.

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I don't want to think about
moisturizer on my face.

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Take your tester and go away.

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I've lost, you know, um,
somebody who means a lot to me.

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I am existing in a world in
a way I never have before.

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Because for the first time
ever, I'm existing in a world

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where my mother isn't alive.

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And it's like, everything
is just sort of different.

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Also, what about going back to work?

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You know, in a lot of you know, in the
United States, a lot of workplaces have

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like three to five days bereavement leave.

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I'm really fortunate the place I work, we
have unlimited leave if we need to use it.

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But like, Do you really, right?

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You always feel like you have to go back.

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There's stuff that needs to get done.

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And so I tried, you know, my mother,
uh, she passed away on a Monday.

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Immediately my sister and I had
to take care of, you know, things

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like securing her apartment and
all of these things that are like.

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You know, what, what are we doing with
the body and, writing an obituary and,

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putting all of these things into order.

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And it took us a few days just to do that.

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And then I thought by
Thursday I could try to.

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Go back to work.

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It was a huge mistake.

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Let me tell you, don't try to go back
to work that that quickly if you're

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ever in the same situation because, um,
it did not distract me at that point.

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It I did the whole day.

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I went through the whole day.

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It was very difficult.

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My brain was not 100 percent there.

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Okay.

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And so, um, The Friday I went ahead and
took off because I realized okay, this was

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a bad idea lucky long weekend I come back,
but I'm telling you this is an unusual

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situation For me, even though it's not
an unusual situation For a human, right?

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We're all gonna deal with loss So
honestly, I think that The weirdest part

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is how little we actually talk about what
works for us emotionally when we grieve.

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So here's my take.

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Do what feels right for you.

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Bereavement should be as individual
as the people we are mourning.

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And if you're unsure, Just
ask someone, talk to people.

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Most people are grateful when you care
enough to ask about what they need.

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Um, I am so thankful when people reach out
and just so show a little bit of caring,

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the people who showed up immediately with
like, cards and just letting me know that

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they cared, that meant the world to me.

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But here's, here's a weird thing.

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What's, what is the strangest funeral
tradition you've ever heard of?

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So I had a job for the Joplin Globe when
I was in college writing obituaries.

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So I've heard of a lot of strange things
in my day, but one of the most surprising

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that I just recently heard about because
I'm just, you know, fascinated by this

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stuff, Taiwanese funeral strippers.

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I'm not even kidding.

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Check out a DVD by anthropologist Mark L.

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Moskowitz called Dancing for
the Dead Funeral Strippers

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in Taiwan, published in 2011.

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Let me tell you, um, this is not
what my mother's memorial service

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is going to be like in any way.

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By the way, she was unique and
larger than life, but not in that way.

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But just so you know, if you really
want to take it to the limit, there are.

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Funeral strippers, they exist,
they're a thing somewhere.

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So, thanks for tuning in.

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I know that this is supposed to sometimes
be comedic and fun, this one, this

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shorty was a little bit different.

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I think hug your loved ones.

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Talk about the hard stuff.

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I'll And maybe think about
how your association handles

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bereavement policies for your staff.

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After all, the grieving
process is difficult enough.

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Everyone grieves in their own way.

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So I will catch you next time as always.

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Keep asking questions to learn every day.

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As Joseph Campbell once said, the cave you
fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.

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Have a great rest of the week, everyone.