Hey there! Are you a coward? Are you a little scaredy cat? A little baby bitch boy afraid to play scary video games?
I used to be, but now I'm braver than the brave little toaster, all thanks to Alan Wake 2!
Hi. My name’s Tommy. You may remember me as formerly being one half of the SuperPod Saga, the most popular podcast West of the Mississippi. I'm here to tell you that even if you're a coward like me, YOU can play Alan Wake 2!
Here’s me before I played Alan Wake 2:
Jesus Christ, look at this guy. You can just tell he's a baby when it comes to scary games. He's got that look in his eyes that says “I couldn't play Fortnite after they added zombies that one time because the jump scares were too much for my weak, little heart.”
And it's true! I’ve always been a coward when it comes to video games! I struggled through parts of Batman: Arkham Asylum because some of the areas were too dark!
The moment I heard the words “Alan Wake 2 will be our first survival horror game,” from Remedy in their announcement of Alan Wake 2, I was out. Survival horror is an impossibility for me.
But, son of a bitch, EVERYONE wouldn't shut up about how great it was! “The greatest video game moment of the last decade,” people said! I had to experience it!
Listener, I'm so glad I grew the courage to play Alan Wake 2, and here to tell you that YOU can too!
Here's a picture of me after playing Alan Wake 2.
Holy shit. He’s growing a beard now! He’s so fucking cool. Look at that confidence just dripping from those icy blue eyes.
So what happened? How did I go from being a tiny little baby to a confident manly man?
The secret, dear readers, is that Alan Wake 2 is NOT a survival horror game! …at least not in the ways that I was afraid of.
Alan Wake 2 doesn't have chase sequences. It doesn't have those moments where you have to hide from or run away from something chasing you. You play as a man and sometimes a woman with guns and a flashlight. YOU have the power, not them!
If you play on the easiest difficulty mode, like I did, all it takes is one flashlight blast and a couple of bullets and most enemies go down!
You’re not trapped in the Dark Place with them, THEY’RE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH YOU.
Inventory scarcity? HA! On the easiest difficulty you are just SWIMMING in guns, bullets, and flashlight batteries.
The only thing I was screaming while playing Alan Wake 2 was “I’M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!” like Kevin McCallister at the end of Home Alone.
“But Tommy,” I hear you say in your quiet, timid voice, “What about jump scares?”
Yes, there are jump scares that take up the entire screen and make a scary sound and a few instances of enemies bursting through walls to attack you, but 95% of enemies announce their presence from dozens of feet away! They're practically saying, “Hey Tommy! Come over here and shoot me in the face!”
I'm a changed man after playing Alan Wake 2, a better man. Just ask my wife.
“Tommy is a changed man since playing Alan Wake 2,” she said. “He's a better man.”
Don't let your fears ruin your dreams of playing Alan Wake 2! As long as you play on the easiest difficulty, you can be just like me! Be strong! Be brave! I believe in you!
