Kings Unchained: Black Love, Unfiltered-Healing Wounds & Embracing Growth

WEBVTT

00:00:08.897 --> 00:00:10.109
AM Radio.

00:00:25.185 --> 00:00:26.047
Hello Kings and Queens.

00:00:26.667 --> 00:00:33.332
Thank you for tuning in and for sticking with me through all these recent technical difficulties I've been having.

00:00:33.753 --> 00:00:34.514
But you know what?

00:00:34.834 --> 00:00:37.476
Albeit late, I'm always on time.

00:00:37.756 --> 00:00:40.539
And today's message, it's right on time too.

00:00:41.179 --> 00:00:47.945
If you caught the prelude, the introductory episode to Kings Unchained, you already know what this season is about.

00:00:48.365 --> 00:00:53.570
Real conversations, real kings, real love, and real healing.

00:00:53.850 --> 00:01:14.649
And today, we're diving I'll see you on the other side.

00:01:15.430 --> 00:01:17.054
Peace.

00:01:28.513 --> 00:01:32.099
There are certain conversations that don't just feel the air.

00:01:32.118 --> 00:01:33.602
They feel the spirit.

00:01:33.621 --> 00:01:41.112
And this one right here, this one is about love, but not the filtered soundbite version the world likes to market.

00:01:41.153 --> 00:01:47.602
Not the trauma-bonded, toxic, tit-for-tat version so many have come to expect.

00:01:47.923 --> 00:01:53.852
No, this is about sacred black love, the kind that can heal bloodlines if we let it.

00:01:54.472 --> 00:01:57.737
My guest today is a man who holds space for that kind of love.

00:01:58.209 --> 00:02:08.042
He's a relationship coach, a truth teller, a mirror, helping men and women unlearn the noise and remember how to love again.

00:02:08.081 --> 00:02:16.872
He's the founder of Sit Down and Heal, a platform rooted in truth, vulnerability, accountability, and emotional liberation.

00:02:16.893 --> 00:02:19.836
That name alone tells you what time it is.

00:02:19.877 --> 00:02:21.739
And today, we're going there.

00:02:21.778 --> 00:02:26.866
We're talking about what love looks like when it's been battered by generational trauma.

00:02:27.169 --> 00:02:30.394
Heartened by heartbreak and distorted by survival.

00:02:30.433 --> 00:02:38.182
We're unpacking black rage, spiritual alignment, love after abuse, and what it really means to rebuild from the wreckage.

00:02:38.802 --> 00:02:39.944
This isn't a debate.

00:02:39.985 --> 00:02:41.366
It's a dialogue.

00:02:41.385 --> 00:02:44.008
One rooted in care and truth.

00:02:44.669 --> 00:02:51.538
And whether you're single, healing, loving, or learning to love again, this conversation is for you.

00:02:52.258 --> 00:02:58.828
Because what's missing in this world, and especially in our community, isn't sex, attention, or even connection.

00:02:58.848 --> 00:03:00.030
It's love.

00:03:00.069 --> 00:03:03.594
Real, radical, healing love.

00:03:03.634 --> 00:03:07.600
The kind that feels safe, especially for Black men and women.

00:03:07.622 --> 00:03:12.329
So let's get into it with the brother behind Sit Down and Heal, Derek Jones.

00:03:12.829 --> 00:03:14.932
Welcome to Mamba Ron and Filter King.

00:03:15.092 --> 00:03:16.594
How art thou this day?

00:03:16.615 --> 00:03:16.634
I

00:03:17.156 --> 00:03:18.497
am fantastic.

00:03:18.518 --> 00:03:18.899
How are you?

00:03:19.500 --> 00:03:20.200
I am...

00:03:20.241 --> 00:03:20.901
Look.

00:03:21.346 --> 00:03:25.949
When people ask me that question, I actually try to reflect, take a pause for a second.

00:03:26.090 --> 00:03:27.070
Who am I feeling?

00:03:27.110 --> 00:03:28.831
Because we answer by rote.

00:03:29.112 --> 00:03:29.812
Oh, I'm fine.

00:03:29.953 --> 00:03:30.433
I'm great.

00:03:30.753 --> 00:03:31.175
I'm okay.

00:03:31.455 --> 00:03:32.436
And really, you're not.

00:03:32.556 --> 00:03:35.758
So reflecting here briefly, I think I'm doing pretty good.

00:03:35.818 --> 00:03:36.558
I'm excited.

00:03:36.598 --> 00:03:40.162
I'm excited to finally connect with you here for this conversation.

00:03:40.201 --> 00:03:41.924
And I appreciate you for asking.

00:03:42.024 --> 00:03:42.544
Thank you.

00:03:42.563 --> 00:03:42.944
And

00:03:43.044 --> 00:03:44.445
I appreciate you having me here.

00:03:44.506 --> 00:03:45.366
This is going to be fun.

00:03:45.667 --> 00:03:46.668
No doubt already.

00:03:46.768 --> 00:03:49.169
We've had our meet and greet and that was fun in itself.

00:03:49.449 --> 00:03:50.872
Look, we're going to make some content out of that.

00:03:50.912 --> 00:03:51.312
I'm going to send it.

00:03:51.312 --> 00:04:14.199
Well, I'm a guy who...

00:04:19.937 --> 00:04:27.346
Just like a lot of us have gone through a lot of trials and tribulations in life, and sometimes we carry our own issues and trauma.

00:04:27.567 --> 00:04:39.961
And so with me, my trauma caused me to be in a ton of different situations when it comes to romantic relationships and had a lot of tragedies and some wins, a lot of losses.

00:04:40.440 --> 00:05:34.500
And realizing that I was able to kind of, with my analytical brain, kind of analyze my own journey heal from a lot of the stuff still ongoing because healing is a lifelong journey but I healed and when I healed because I actually like really dug into the why of things and I realized that I was able to look at other people's situations and analyze them and kind of figure out solutions and help my friends and family and I was like you know what I'm good at this relationship stuff let me see what it would take for me to become a relationship coach so I became that and I was doing it successfully, but I realized something deeper is that when you give people the tools to date better, relationship better, online date better, if they still have their own personal traumas and wounds, it will still resurface no matter how many relationship tools I gave them.

00:05:34.961 --> 00:05:41.709
That gave the birth of Sit Down and Heal, which is a moniker that I chose because that's exactly what I had to do.

00:05:41.829 --> 00:06:00.358
I had to stop the behavior, sit down, and work on myself and so I realized that it's better served for me and my purpose to help people heal first And then we can talk about the minutia of the dating world after we know that you're a better version of yourself and a more healed version of yourself.

00:06:00.418 --> 00:06:00.617
So

00:06:00.658 --> 00:06:01.779
I

00:06:01.839 --> 00:06:04.545
made that 90% of my platform now.

00:06:04.605 --> 00:06:08.672
And then the rest of the stuff where, you know, where to meet better people and all that, we can put that on.

00:06:08.771 --> 00:06:10.093
That's the icing on the cake.

00:06:10.153 --> 00:06:12.218
But we got to get the main thing is the main thing.

00:06:12.278 --> 00:06:13.660
So that's kind of where I am.

00:06:13.740 --> 00:06:14.581
That's what I do.

00:06:15.302 --> 00:06:16.444
I'm an engineer by trade.

00:06:16.504 --> 00:06:19.028
So my mind works a little differently than a lot of other coaches.

00:06:19.129 --> 00:06:19.589
I really...

00:06:20.033 --> 00:06:20.795
Right.

00:06:21.196 --> 00:06:36.824
Thank you, Derek.

00:06:45.089 --> 00:06:45.651
Right.

00:06:45.670 --> 00:06:45.971
Right.

00:07:14.754 --> 00:07:24.514
I always say when that's the case, let the content speak because how somebody shows up in their content, that tells you everything you need to know.

00:07:24.535 --> 00:07:33.430
And what I saw in yours was someone who's building, building people up, Building bridges and relationships, building truth.

00:07:33.651 --> 00:07:39.439
And that aligned perfectly with this platform because Mambaran Unfiltered is all about the same kind of building.

00:07:39.459 --> 00:07:45.807
So I knew the moment I came across Sit Down and Heal that you make a powerful addition to this season of Kings Unchained.

00:07:45.988 --> 00:07:49.814
Because connection, to me, that's the lifeblood of community.

00:07:50.213 --> 00:07:52.297
And if we're not connecting, we're not growing.

00:07:52.317 --> 00:07:55.401
So I want to thank you again for building with me today.

00:07:55.906 --> 00:07:58.670
Now that we've set the table, let's get into your story.

00:07:58.689 --> 00:08:11.408
I always like to start at the beginning because before the coaching, before the platform, before the work you're doing now, there was a boy becoming a man trying to make sense of the world and where he fit in.

00:08:11.869 --> 00:08:15.173
So, Derek, tell me about that younger version of you.

00:08:15.213 --> 00:08:16.694
What was the foundation?

00:08:16.714 --> 00:08:20.701
What shaped your voice, your perspective, your sense of love and connection?

00:08:20.721 --> 00:08:20.800
This

00:08:22.002 --> 00:08:24.125
is a good story to tell.

00:08:24.353 --> 00:08:31.661
If you would have caught me five years ago, I probably would not be able to tell it so eloquently because there's a lot of work that has been done.

00:08:31.701 --> 00:08:35.465
Even after I worked on myself, you know, you always find new areas.

00:08:35.644 --> 00:08:36.066
Right.

00:08:36.145 --> 00:08:36.885
You haven't touched.

00:08:37.046 --> 00:08:37.606
Exactly.

00:08:37.667 --> 00:08:41.691
It's amazing how our testimony can be shaped and formed over time.

00:08:42.130 --> 00:08:52.861
But I would say as a boy, I didn't have a voice because I was very like shy, very non-confrontational, trying to find my way in the world, but also shy.

00:08:53.025 --> 00:08:59.875
you're having parents that sheltered me and then be also self-imposing my own shelter as a awkward child.

00:09:00.556 --> 00:09:13.494
So I didn't make a lot of connectivity, even growing into a teenager, close emotional connections with people, male or female, because I didn't have that as part of my toolbox.

00:09:13.614 --> 00:09:23.969
My parents were not outwardly emotional, present, not the type that would hug or Tell you I love you or give you the affirmations that you probably needed to hear as a kid.

00:09:24.028 --> 00:09:25.571
It was like we're doing what we're supposed to.

00:09:25.591 --> 00:09:26.513
They were great parents.

00:09:26.673 --> 00:09:27.134
They were there.

00:09:27.173 --> 00:09:27.875
They were present.

00:09:27.934 --> 00:09:29.638
But I was missing that piece.

00:09:29.717 --> 00:09:34.745
So I grew into a teenager who did not have the capacity for that.

00:09:34.826 --> 00:09:37.570
So hence, no girlfriends in high school or anything like that.

00:09:37.929 --> 00:09:39.293
Plus, I was the bankie, right?

00:09:39.332 --> 00:09:41.836
Like back in the 80s, nobody was checking for nerds.

00:09:43.538 --> 00:09:45.341
Man, I promise.

00:09:45.538 --> 00:09:47.100
Probably not until American Pie.

00:09:47.360 --> 00:09:47.682
Right.

00:09:47.782 --> 00:09:48.163
I'm not sure.

00:09:49.245 --> 00:09:50.668
Not until Revenge of the Nerds, maybe.

00:09:50.748 --> 00:09:51.428
I don't know.

00:09:52.671 --> 00:10:04.374
It was an awkward time, even going into college, still being that guy and trying to find myself and building real friendships, because now I had the ability to not have the reins of the parents.

00:10:04.433 --> 00:10:08.642
So now I was able to try to foster friendships, but they still weren't.

00:10:08.994 --> 00:10:09.354
tight.

00:10:09.995 --> 00:10:11.115
They were just present, right?

00:10:11.176 --> 00:10:14.097
Because I still didn't have that until I started really dating.

00:10:14.239 --> 00:10:15.139
I was probably like 21.

00:10:15.639 --> 00:10:19.702
And this is when the emotional side starts to come out because now you got a girlfriend and all of that.

00:10:19.802 --> 00:10:26.950
But still, you don't have the experience that some of your peers have because they was dating since high school and having girlfriends and stuff.

00:10:26.970 --> 00:10:28.110
So this was all new to me.

00:10:28.331 --> 00:10:28.711
Right.

00:10:29.051 --> 00:10:35.777
And even that, there were people who poured into them emotionally and modeled that for them in a healthy or not healthy way.

00:10:36.217 --> 00:10:37.798
And you're figuring it out on your own.

00:10:38.078 --> 00:10:38.379
Yes.

00:10:38.519 --> 00:11:09.317
I was a late bloomers so I started delving into those but I went into it from a childlike innocence some naivety and the women that I chose or at least the first few they destroyed that because they took advantage of it and I thought that you know if I'm a good person and if I honor them and I do this or that then they'll love me but that's not what they wanted they wanted backbone they wanted alpha So I'm like, why would you choose me?

00:11:09.356 --> 00:11:12.202
They chose me because they also wanted the other stuff too.

00:11:12.403 --> 00:11:14.347
They just didn't get it all in the same guy, right?

00:11:14.548 --> 00:11:14.990
Right.

00:11:16.592 --> 00:11:23.207
What's that they say about women and their friends and having different types of friends to feed those different emotional aspects?

00:11:23.288 --> 00:11:23.448
Yeah.

00:11:23.808 --> 00:11:34.894
They got high off of the treatment and being honored, but they still wanted that other side that I just I hadn't found myself yet to even know what type of man that I really was.

00:11:34.955 --> 00:11:39.163
I was just happy that I had someone that I loved and that wasn't enough for them.

00:11:39.443 --> 00:11:46.957
And ironically, I picked the first three women who created the monster because all three back to back cheated.

00:11:47.169 --> 00:11:48.171
Oh, wow.

00:11:48.410 --> 00:11:49.631
That's so horrible.

00:11:49.812 --> 00:11:51.354
They cheated with the other type of guy.

00:11:51.514 --> 00:11:51.955
You know what I mean?

00:11:51.995 --> 00:11:53.416
The one that doesn't treat them well.

00:11:53.856 --> 00:11:56.578
So my first few experiences changed me.

00:11:56.678 --> 00:11:57.340
Yeah.

00:11:57.399 --> 00:11:57.679
Right.

00:11:57.980 --> 00:12:01.323
And this made me bitter.

00:12:02.044 --> 00:12:07.048
It made me not want to give all of myself to anyone ever again.

00:12:07.190 --> 00:12:08.350
You know, all of those feelings.

00:12:08.610 --> 00:12:10.393
But I also empath.

00:12:10.452 --> 00:12:12.173
I'm also a person who loves love.

00:12:12.514 --> 00:12:17.874
And so I knew that I wanted to have connectivity with But I didn't want that to be the result.

00:12:17.913 --> 00:12:18.094
Right.

00:12:18.414 --> 00:12:22.842
What I always tell people in coaching is our few anecdotal experience sometimes becomes our

00:12:22.883 --> 00:12:23.443
worldview.

00:12:23.543 --> 00:12:24.024
Right.

00:12:24.044 --> 00:12:25.508
And we think everybody's like that.

00:12:25.587 --> 00:12:33.322
So I became this person that vowed to myself back then that I would never let anyone hurt me like that again without me seeing it come to birth.

00:12:33.383 --> 00:12:33.702
Right.

00:12:33.864 --> 00:12:39.374
So I and again, you have to also understand I have a like.

00:12:39.586 --> 00:12:41.528
insanely like analytical mind.

00:12:41.607 --> 00:12:42.809
I get it from my mom.

00:12:42.909 --> 00:12:54.804
She was the type that when I was in grade school, where if I got a paper that I had to turn into the teacher and the teacher would mark it up with the red ink, then come and find the mistakes that the teacher made and tell me to do it all over again.

00:12:55.304 --> 00:12:56.767
And then I would do it all over again.

00:12:56.807 --> 00:12:59.831
And she would like find the errors and then I would have to do it again.

00:12:59.931 --> 00:13:08.360
So you have to understand the conditioning and how my mind was trained to always find the flaws, to always look for the inconsistencies.

00:13:08.421 --> 00:13:11.397
And so I took that with my pain.

00:13:11.809 --> 00:13:14.932
And I said, now I have to make sure that they can't hurt me again.

00:13:14.952 --> 00:13:17.534
So now I'm looking at things at a granular level.

00:13:17.595 --> 00:13:17.894
Right.

00:13:18.176 --> 00:13:20.937
Voice inflections, word choices, sentences.

00:13:21.077 --> 00:13:21.197
I

00:13:21.698 --> 00:13:23.220
thought I was the only one.

00:13:23.240 --> 00:13:31.547
I thought I was the only one who puts that much stock in the words people use, the way they structure their words, how they use their words.

00:13:31.626 --> 00:13:34.649
People don't recognize what it says about them.

00:13:34.870 --> 00:13:35.090
Yeah.

00:13:35.429 --> 00:13:36.851
Especially in social media.

00:13:36.951 --> 00:13:38.253
And we'll get to that later on.

00:13:38.373 --> 00:13:44.620
But especially in that echo chamber of social media, how we give ourself away through word choice.

00:13:44.840 --> 00:13:45.080
Yeah.

00:13:45.380 --> 00:13:45.561
Yeah.

00:13:45.801 --> 00:13:45.980
Yeah.

00:13:46.221 --> 00:13:47.202
It's very powerful.

00:13:47.243 --> 00:13:53.390
And I learned to be better at paying attention to nonverbal communication and things like this.

00:13:53.471 --> 00:13:54.952
So I'm looking at everything.

00:13:54.993 --> 00:14:02.163
And once I realized how powerful it was to garner that information, then I used it for evil.

00:14:04.024 --> 00:14:04.865
Oh, no.

00:14:05.307 --> 00:14:06.788
I used it to manipulate.

00:14:07.109 --> 00:14:07.448
Yeah.

00:14:07.549 --> 00:14:08.230
So that I can.

00:14:08.390 --> 00:14:08.630
Yeah.

00:14:08.791 --> 00:14:15.378
I can achieve the connection without having to dive all the way in.

00:14:15.498 --> 00:14:16.099
And I knew that

00:14:16.198 --> 00:14:18.384
they would serve protected from getting hurt.

00:14:18.403 --> 00:14:18.604
Right.

00:14:18.845 --> 00:14:22.471
They would serve my needs, even though they didn't even realize what was going on.

00:14:22.511 --> 00:14:30.284
Because if you and you know this, if you can parse out things about a person's character, then you can deliver what they need without them telling you.

00:14:30.504 --> 00:14:31.505
You tailor it.

00:14:31.647 --> 00:14:39.378
You start modeling what they think you want in order to make them appear more desirable in order for you to choose them.

00:14:39.398 --> 00:14:40.799
And that's not even really them.

00:14:40.840 --> 00:14:42.000
It's a facade.

00:14:42.041 --> 00:14:43.683
And you can't maintain that.

00:14:43.703 --> 00:14:43.764
And

00:14:43.964 --> 00:14:49.611
I tell the people that I coach all the time, you think people always talk about the blueprint.

00:14:49.652 --> 00:14:53.297
Just don't tell them too much and they'll use that as a blueprint.

00:14:53.317 --> 00:14:55.956
And I'm like, Your words are the least of my worries.

00:14:56.216 --> 00:14:56.557
Right.

00:14:56.879 --> 00:14:57.961
I'm watching everything.

00:14:58.181 --> 00:14:58.421
Right.

00:14:58.441 --> 00:15:02.788
And I tell them that the people who prey on you, whatever you want to call them, right?

00:15:02.969 --> 00:15:05.894
They hone their skills of the nonverbal cue.

00:15:05.955 --> 00:15:12.385
So while you're worrying about paying attention to the words, they're cataloging information about you that you're not aware of.

00:15:12.446 --> 00:15:20.145
And I say, that's why you have to look at all of the cues so that you can create your own character profile to see if you even need to be there.

00:15:20.206 --> 00:15:21.768
They're also doing the same thing.

00:15:21.807 --> 00:15:24.251
You have to be aware that that's where the boundaries come in.

00:15:24.913 --> 00:15:30.421
Because once they see a way in, you still have the option to say no if it doesn't feel right.

00:15:30.441 --> 00:15:31.802
And that's where a lot of people fail.

00:15:32.403 --> 00:15:49.352
So for my story, I, person who lacked the emotional connection to parents, now giving 200% of that to these three women, And then destroying that version of me doesn't mean that the need wasn't still there.

00:15:49.592 --> 00:15:50.153
Right.

00:15:50.173 --> 00:16:00.028
So I use this analytical tool that I had developed to almost shortcut my way into feeling emotion from someone without having to wait.

00:16:00.570 --> 00:16:02.533
I would make it feel like that in a week.

00:16:03.453 --> 00:16:04.556
Fast food version.

00:16:04.696 --> 00:16:07.360
So that way I got speed to feed my trauma.

00:16:07.799 --> 00:16:11.566
But then, of course, at some point they're going to be like, I want you to meet.

00:16:11.778 --> 00:16:12.740
my best friend.

00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:14.201
And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa,

00:16:14.682 --> 00:16:15.364
whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:16:15.403 --> 00:16:16.586
Now we're talking about connection.

00:16:16.645 --> 00:16:17.326
We're getting real.

00:16:17.386 --> 00:16:19.250
Yeah, this is I need my drug.

00:16:19.410 --> 00:16:20.152
I need my drug.

00:16:20.312 --> 00:16:20.932
And that's it.

00:16:21.835 --> 00:16:23.236
My drug of choice wasn't sex.

00:16:23.397 --> 00:16:25.159
It was it was the feeling of love.

00:16:25.441 --> 00:16:25.860
Yeah.

00:16:26.341 --> 00:16:26.842
Yeah.

00:16:26.863 --> 00:16:31.451
So I rinsed and repeat, rinsed and repeat person after person didn't care.

00:16:31.471 --> 00:16:32.932
I wasn't malicious.

00:16:33.394 --> 00:16:33.614
Right.

00:16:33.714 --> 00:16:37.796
Because what my go to was I didn't make you do anything.

00:16:38.256 --> 00:16:38.496
Right.

00:16:38.537 --> 00:16:39.458
Like I didn't make

00:16:39.599 --> 00:16:40.100
you do anything.

00:16:40.120 --> 00:16:44.044
That was the irrational rationalization for what you were doing.

00:16:44.105 --> 00:16:44.225
Yeah.

00:16:44.666 --> 00:16:46.008
Even with intimacy.

00:16:46.428 --> 00:16:48.552
If I create a stage that turns you on.

00:16:48.692 --> 00:16:49.013
Right.

00:16:49.173 --> 00:16:50.975
And then you then become the initiator.

00:16:51.115 --> 00:16:51.856
I didn't do anything.

00:16:51.897 --> 00:16:52.817
You initiated it.

00:16:53.019 --> 00:16:54.220
Everybody got choices.

00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:56.383
You don't want to ask me for it.

00:16:57.205 --> 00:17:00.710
You know, something my father told me growing up as a young girl and.

00:17:01.025 --> 00:17:10.193
And, you know, when you're feeling fresh and, you know, you see boys and boys see you and you're navigating those things for the first time.

00:17:10.213 --> 00:17:25.666
He always told me, don't put yourself in compromising positions where you have to now battle your chemistry, your chemical reactions, overriding your logic, that emotion.

00:17:25.727 --> 00:17:28.829
We start operating in the feeling, you know what I'm saying?

00:17:28.930 --> 00:17:30.270
We lose all sense.

00:17:30.451 --> 00:17:32.554
It's kind of like a possession in a sense.

00:17:32.574 --> 00:17:38.221
Especially when you think about intimacy and your Netflix and chill sitting on the couch and all it takes is a touch.

00:17:38.442 --> 00:17:40.163
All it takes is a kiss.

00:17:40.285 --> 00:17:41.807
All it takes is a rub.

00:17:41.866 --> 00:17:45.632
And then, you know, the next thing you're doing, you're manipulating.

00:17:45.672 --> 00:17:50.598
You're using that and their emotions, their chemistry against them.

00:17:50.638 --> 00:17:58.769
What I found out in hindsight as I became a coach was I was picking specific people during this time.

00:17:59.425 --> 00:18:02.637
I was picking people that I knew were broken.

00:18:02.659 --> 00:18:08.682
I was picking people that had the most desperation, the lowest self-esteem.

00:18:08.721 --> 00:18:11.317
They're very easy to pick out because of Yes.

00:18:12.118 --> 00:18:12.318
Yes.

00:18:12.740 --> 00:18:12.859
Yes.

00:18:15.582 --> 00:18:21.086
Yes.

00:18:21.126 --> 00:18:24.549
Yes.

00:18:40.943 --> 00:18:43.247
I can't

00:18:43.307 --> 00:18:46.952
imagine what that did to you spiritually as a man.

00:18:47.053 --> 00:18:48.355
It destroys you on the inside.

00:18:48.394 --> 00:18:52.421
Eventually, I'm sure you fell in love and you're carrying all that.

00:18:52.500 --> 00:18:52.882
Of course.

00:18:53.082 --> 00:18:53.843
But here's the thing.

00:18:54.403 --> 00:18:55.045
Here's the thing.

00:18:55.425 --> 00:19:03.837
You fall in love, but they'll never get all of you because you're still being cautious, but you're also trying to show up, but they never get what they should get from you.

00:19:03.939 --> 00:19:04.900
Yeah.

00:19:05.461 --> 00:19:12.607
Because what you have to do for them pales in comparison to to what you really have to offer, but they're okay with the little piece.

00:19:13.670 --> 00:19:14.250
Pieces.

00:19:14.371 --> 00:19:19.680
They're happy with getting 50% of you because they think that it's 100 and they're like, cool.

00:19:20.080 --> 00:19:20.221
Exactly.

00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:20.602
Because your

00:19:20.622 --> 00:19:24.848
50% is probably better than all of the other men that broke them before you.

00:19:25.148 --> 00:19:27.634
So you look like a superhero now and you're like, you...

00:19:27.905 --> 00:19:30.750
You're not getting all of it because I'm afraid to give you my all.

00:19:30.790 --> 00:19:35.218
They're like, you know, subconsciously, they're like, this is all I need because this is better than nothing.

00:19:35.278 --> 00:19:35.478
Let me

00:19:35.498 --> 00:19:35.838
take care of it.

00:19:35.858 --> 00:19:44.712
And generationally, especially Black women and what we've seen over time historically in relationships where people stay together.

00:19:44.732 --> 00:19:44.813
Yeah.

00:19:44.993 --> 00:19:46.055
You know what I'm saying?

00:19:46.115 --> 00:19:49.641
People want to focus on the people that stayed together back in the day.

00:19:49.902 --> 00:19:50.041
Yeah.

00:19:50.241 --> 00:19:53.006
We don't know what it took for them to stay together.

00:19:53.046 --> 00:19:59.736
And Black women were often living life thinking that a piece of a man is better than no man at

00:20:00.037 --> 00:20:00.156
all.

00:20:00.176 --> 00:20:06.226
I've heard it many times from women that they would rather have a piece of what they think is a good man than have nothing at all.

00:20:06.326 --> 00:20:08.390
And that is a recipe for disaster.

00:20:08.410 --> 00:20:09.171
It really is.

00:20:09.211 --> 00:20:10.292
You deserve the whole cake.

00:20:11.615 --> 00:20:11.755
Right.

00:20:11.795 --> 00:20:12.316
That too.

00:20:12.355 --> 00:20:13.336
How did you break away?

00:20:13.376 --> 00:20:17.703
How did you find yourself breaking away from that villainous role you were playing?

00:20:17.723 --> 00:20:17.804
What

00:20:18.505 --> 00:20:19.046
happened...

00:20:19.458 --> 00:20:22.762
is I wasn't your typical quote unquote villain.

00:20:23.223 --> 00:20:25.086
I was a nice guy playing a villain.

00:20:25.667 --> 00:20:29.594
So I knew how to dip into each side so that it would look sincere.

00:20:29.614 --> 00:20:30.555
Right.

00:20:31.056 --> 00:20:36.044
Because the villain only represented itself to feed the need from the trauma.

00:20:36.344 --> 00:20:39.489
And this is the story of a lot of men and women.

00:20:40.330 --> 00:20:41.593
You show up in your life.

00:20:41.613 --> 00:20:42.634
Amazing.

00:20:43.075 --> 00:20:48.176
But in the areas where you're feeding the trauma, You got to be a little bit of a monster to get it right.

00:20:48.356 --> 00:20:48.917
Right.

00:20:48.938 --> 00:20:51.259
So the monster isn't always front facing.

00:20:51.339 --> 00:20:57.047
So the person that you're dealing with, they think that they have this amazing son, this community leader, this all of these things.

00:20:57.067 --> 00:20:59.048
And they're like, there's no way they could be like that.

00:20:59.068 --> 00:21:11.021
So for me, coming from a place of innocence, they would never tell because there was nothing egregious or like abusive about the nature.

00:21:11.142 --> 00:21:12.223
It was very loving.

00:21:12.644 --> 00:21:16.009
It was very there was no angry, none of that.

00:21:16.230 --> 00:21:18.480
So you would be like, this feels amazing.

00:21:18.541 --> 00:21:30.255
The problem with it is that I went into it not looking for a wife, but because I'm finding a broken person that needs love, they think it's going to be a husband, even if I don't say so.

00:21:30.375 --> 00:21:37.744
So they're falling in love in seven days and I'm getting all of the love and all of the attention and the hugs that I've missed when I was a kid.

00:21:37.825 --> 00:21:41.430
And I was like, this is amazing until it gets too close.

00:21:41.549 --> 00:21:44.053
And then you're like, now you got to ghost them.

00:21:44.093 --> 00:21:45.894
You got to be like, Hey, this ain't working out for me.

00:21:46.556 --> 00:21:47.257
It's not you.

00:21:47.396 --> 00:21:48.298
It's me.

00:21:48.417 --> 00:21:49.138
You got to do all of

00:21:49.179 --> 00:21:49.319
that.

00:21:49.339 --> 00:21:57.448
So, so to answer your question, The irony of the timing is that this happened mid 90s.

00:21:57.909 --> 00:21:59.371
So we're talking about Internet.

00:21:59.912 --> 00:22:05.181
We're talking about online dating, Yahoo personals, chat lines, AOL.

00:22:05.381 --> 00:22:07.064
Nice, then opened up for you.

00:22:07.424 --> 00:22:12.933
So I'm able to meet an unlimited amount of people to validate me.

00:22:13.218 --> 00:22:15.780
So we're talking about hundreds of interactions.

00:22:15.942 --> 00:22:16.521
Right.

00:22:16.682 --> 00:22:17.503
The options.

00:22:17.564 --> 00:22:17.784
Yeah.

00:22:17.943 --> 00:22:21.769
Because this was a time where people weren't like, oh, people on the Internet are crazy.

00:22:21.828 --> 00:22:23.612
People was coming outside to meet you.

00:22:23.632 --> 00:22:23.832
So

00:22:24.492 --> 00:22:25.755
we were parking lot pimping.

00:22:25.775 --> 00:22:26.496
I was able to.

00:22:26.635 --> 00:22:26.976
Oh, my.

00:22:27.016 --> 00:22:27.576
Tell me about

00:22:27.676 --> 00:22:27.717
it.

00:22:27.737 --> 00:22:29.720
Let's not talk about the parking lot pimping.

00:22:30.560 --> 00:22:31.541
We're not even going to go

00:22:31.682 --> 00:22:31.761
with.

00:22:32.163 --> 00:22:32.403
Yeah.

00:22:32.502 --> 00:22:34.165
I had a lot of parking lot meetups.

00:22:34.266 --> 00:22:34.806
Yes.

00:22:34.906 --> 00:22:35.446
A ton.

00:22:35.827 --> 00:22:37.369
Because I was obsessed with.

00:22:37.890 --> 00:22:40.953
the connectivity, because remember I'm introverted, shy person.

00:22:41.013 --> 00:22:42.415
And people was like, I think you cute.

00:22:42.435 --> 00:22:43.196
And I'm like me.

00:22:43.577 --> 00:22:46.582
So everybody who wanted to date me got a date.

00:22:46.701 --> 00:22:47.202
Right.

00:22:47.262 --> 00:22:49.125
So I'm rinsing and ripping.

00:22:49.144 --> 00:22:52.690
So I fed up the process by this.

00:22:52.911 --> 00:22:58.939
And I had so many, many, you know, meet you one time and never see you again.

00:22:58.979 --> 00:23:00.401
And I had a lot of these.

00:23:00.540 --> 00:23:10.590
And so what this did for me subconsciously, is it started to hone a skill because now all of the things that I learned about human behavior, I got to test it out times a hundred.

00:23:10.631 --> 00:23:11.553
Right, right.

00:23:11.593 --> 00:23:19.609
Now you're talking about someone who can look at the average person and I can kind of catalog things now because I've had so many case studies, if you will,

00:23:19.711 --> 00:23:19.931
right?

00:23:20.030 --> 00:23:20.712
Exactly.

00:23:20.792 --> 00:23:22.957
So now I'm like, okay, I've done this.

00:23:23.425 --> 00:23:24.227
But am I happy?

00:23:24.667 --> 00:23:26.711
Is there happiness at the end of this behavior?

00:23:26.832 --> 00:23:27.292
It

00:23:27.333 --> 00:23:30.597
took me a long time to get there because that trauma was leading the charge.

00:23:30.818 --> 00:23:34.365
And what it is, it's almost kind of like a duality in your personality.

00:23:34.424 --> 00:23:38.111
It's like the person that your parents raised are looking at you like an out-of-body experience.

00:23:38.151 --> 00:23:40.234
Like, is this who you are?

00:23:40.275 --> 00:23:42.097
Is this who you were raised to be?

00:23:42.529 --> 00:23:43.471
And are you happy?

00:23:43.491 --> 00:23:43.511
I

00:23:43.751 --> 00:23:45.714
think we forget we're multifaceted.

00:23:45.755 --> 00:23:46.997
We're not just one thing.

00:23:47.037 --> 00:23:47.878
We're not linear.

00:23:48.138 --> 00:23:59.357
And the way that I explain it to my clients is when you have a trauma, when that inner child is picking your dates for you, it's almost like that part of your personality is separate from you.

00:23:59.554 --> 00:24:01.537
the other side of you that knows what to do

00:24:01.576 --> 00:24:04.641
yeah that makes sense and it overrides

00:24:04.901 --> 00:24:25.694
right and so it overrides you because of the trauma because it's been with you forever and it's it's a part of your nature and who you are until you learn how to manage it better right right so when I had that kind of out-of-body experience and I'm looking at myself doing this stuff and I'm like Dude, you can't even sit at home on a Friday by yourself without having to jump up and go to the club and get another phone number.

00:24:25.734 --> 00:24:27.797
Like you can't even be by yourself for a weekend.

00:24:28.116 --> 00:24:31.380
Like this is almost like an addiction because you need to keep feeding it.

00:24:31.601 --> 00:24:32.060
Right.

00:24:32.101 --> 00:24:34.963
And I said, I am not happy.

00:24:35.124 --> 00:24:35.423
Yeah.

00:24:35.584 --> 00:24:37.026
But it's like it's on autopilot.

00:24:37.486 --> 00:24:39.748
So I was like, you have to stop.

00:24:40.148 --> 00:24:42.631
Like at this point, I didn't know it was a healing journey.

00:24:42.770 --> 00:24:45.534
I just knew that this was not because here's the thing.

00:24:45.574 --> 00:24:46.714
Here's the sick part of it.

00:24:46.755 --> 00:24:46.974
Right.

00:24:47.555 --> 00:24:50.038
I had to inadvertently hurt people.

00:24:50.337 --> 00:24:51.519
while also being an

00:24:51.539 --> 00:24:52.421
empath.

00:24:52.441 --> 00:24:53.402
And that's hurtful.

00:24:53.461 --> 00:24:53.541
And

00:24:53.561 --> 00:24:54.683
then I had to do it again.

00:24:54.723 --> 00:24:56.144
It goes against your spirit.

00:24:56.185 --> 00:24:58.729
You know, that transference, it sits there.

00:24:58.769 --> 00:25:00.770
You have to absorb their pain on the way out.

00:25:01.231 --> 00:25:05.196
And then you've got to go do it again because you're hungry for the connection and you've got to keep doing it again.

00:25:05.217 --> 00:25:06.778
And you carry all of that with you.

00:25:06.898 --> 00:25:09.403
And that's why I was like, I'm not happy.

00:25:09.482 --> 00:25:11.244
Like, this is really destroying me.

00:25:11.285 --> 00:25:13.247
And I'm the one that's doing this stuff.

00:25:13.267 --> 00:25:14.328
It's destroying me too.

00:25:14.890 --> 00:25:20.420
And so I said, you know, I'm going to have to like really This is where the sit down and heal comes from.

00:25:20.480 --> 00:25:21.280
I had to sit down.

00:25:21.320 --> 00:25:26.307
And even when Friday night came and I started shaking, stay home.

00:25:26.727 --> 00:25:27.749
Don't go outside.

00:25:27.788 --> 00:25:31.292
You got to just be still and really figure out what's going on.

00:25:31.353 --> 00:25:39.902
And that's when I really started looking at my life, looking at the behaviors and trying to figure out how do I emerge better.

00:25:40.884 --> 00:25:48.063
And I really got to a point where I was like, not only do you have to stop, but you have to create boundaries because you have an appetite for certain things.

00:25:48.262 --> 00:25:53.929
Even if it's just emotionally, like you gotta be able to tell yourself and or the person no.

00:25:53.970 --> 00:25:58.755
And I got to a point where I was like, okay, I think I'm better now.

00:25:58.775 --> 00:26:01.017
I understand myself a little more.

00:26:01.037 --> 00:26:03.259
And there's certain things that I just can't do.

00:26:03.640 --> 00:26:08.305
And so the next time I started going out, here comes temptation.

00:26:08.505 --> 00:26:11.208
Temptation's like, hey, I know you like a certain skin color.

00:26:11.488 --> 00:26:12.930
You like them to be a certain weight.

00:26:13.153 --> 00:26:15.817
That's the one that's going to sit next to you at the bar, smiling like,

00:26:16.019 --> 00:26:16.259
hi.

00:26:16.278 --> 00:26:17.621
It's like the car you want to buy.

00:26:17.681 --> 00:26:19.744
You start seeing it everywhere all of a sudden.

00:26:19.785 --> 00:26:19.984
Yeah.

00:26:20.605 --> 00:26:23.711
So I was like, somebody's testing me.

00:26:24.132 --> 00:26:25.133
And I was like, you know what?

00:26:25.453 --> 00:26:27.758
Here's the time to kind of put up or shut up.

00:26:27.817 --> 00:26:31.143
When those opportunities came, I was just like, no.

00:26:31.383 --> 00:26:39.557
Because even dialoguing with somebody, a little bit of dialogue, sometimes you could tell like, yeah, this one right here is going to be blowing up my phone next week.

00:26:39.817 --> 00:26:40.397
No, I'm not.

00:26:40.577 --> 00:26:41.380
And

00:26:41.579 --> 00:26:44.045
you have to be careful just knowing who you

00:26:44.184 --> 00:26:45.346
are,

00:26:45.426 --> 00:26:48.574
especially as a wordsmith and you know how words hold power.

00:26:48.614 --> 00:27:15.807
You know, even if the world don't, you know how you can use your words well we can call it what it is to finesse to manipulate to influence people to go in the direction that you want to go just simply with a few words yeah with that kind of power you do you have to be cognizant of what you're telling women what you're what you're saying to them because honey they listening like you said not at your actions they listening to your words

00:27:16.067 --> 00:27:18.998
yeah I got to understand the power of no.

00:27:19.720 --> 00:27:25.596
Even as a man, we know men normally don't really have a whole bunch of boundaries when it comes to that.

00:27:25.616 --> 00:27:40.413
So for me to say no as a man was hard in the face of these things and even with being intimate or having relations, when you detach yourself from it, you realize mentally and physically that it's not a need.

00:27:40.934 --> 00:27:46.619
And when you realize that it's not a need, then it does not become part of your motivating factors when you're outside.

00:27:46.680 --> 00:27:50.564
And it's easier to say no once you have detached hints to sit down and heal.

00:27:50.624 --> 00:27:57.730
Like you got to sit down and breathe and figure out how to detox yourself from the behavior.

00:27:57.789 --> 00:28:00.272
You can't just stop it today and tomorrow.

00:28:00.292 --> 00:28:03.751
Because I always coach people it's mostly women because men don't ask for help.

00:28:03.832 --> 00:28:05.054
They be getting better at it.

00:28:05.253 --> 00:28:13.723
So they would come and be like, I broke up with my boyfriend and I've detached from him and I've done the whole, you know, no contact and all

00:28:13.763 --> 00:28:14.003
of that.

00:28:14.704 --> 00:28:16.606
But I just can't be by myself.

00:28:17.067 --> 00:28:17.888
I need somebody.

00:28:18.009 --> 00:28:19.611
And I'm like, you don't need anyone.

00:28:19.651 --> 00:28:20.612
This is still fresh.

00:28:20.672 --> 00:28:23.295
Like you still going to have those withdrawals.

00:28:23.756 --> 00:28:30.855
But if you push through them, your decision-making ability increases to give you something that's a more logical decision.

00:28:30.915 --> 00:28:43.259
And so when I did that and I was able to say no, and I'm patting myself on the back, like, dude, you know, you, you probably would have talked to that one, but cause now I'm able to see the potential of what it could be.

00:28:43.440 --> 00:28:43.660
Yeah.

00:28:43.720 --> 00:28:49.608
This one, this one got some things going on that I'm not willing to, They be, you know, trying to come to, can I come to your house?

00:28:49.990 --> 00:28:50.550
I don't know you.

00:28:50.830 --> 00:28:51.090
You see

00:28:51.131 --> 00:28:55.115
the red flags in them ahead of time and can avoid the future drama.

00:28:55.195 --> 00:28:55.455
You

00:28:55.737 --> 00:29:00.221
start to see the world differently when you have more healed eyes and ears.

00:29:00.382 --> 00:29:01.564
The sense is changing.

00:29:01.743 --> 00:29:06.930
And when I did that, I was like, wow, like this sitting down and working on yourself works.

00:29:07.029 --> 00:29:12.936
And I didn't know that it would in the future become the basis of how I help other people heal.

00:29:12.957 --> 00:29:14.699
Man, that's a beautiful thing.

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:16.421
That's a beautiful thing in itself.

00:29:16.480 --> 00:29:16.842
Yeah.

00:29:17.281 --> 00:29:26.452
So when I got to the other side, of course, you know, you get you still want to have triggers and being tempted and all of this, but you're in a way better space.

00:29:26.854 --> 00:29:38.007
And when I got to the space of a lot of those toxic behaviors, not even being a part of my thought process, not even prompting the behavior anymore.

00:29:38.047 --> 00:29:38.969
And I was at peace.

00:29:39.048 --> 00:29:40.130
That's when I met my wife.

00:29:40.385 --> 00:29:41.027
my now wife.

00:29:41.326 --> 00:29:41.768
Wow.

00:29:42.469 --> 00:29:53.624
Before I step into that, you know, we're talking a lot about love, but before we go any further, I want to pause right here and ask you something that seems simple, but really isn't.

00:29:53.683 --> 00:29:55.405
What is love to you?

00:29:55.726 --> 00:30:07.201
Not what we've been taught, not the means or the quotes or the buzzwords, but in your own words, how do you define love based on what you've lived, what you've lost and what you've healed?

00:30:08.001 --> 00:30:09.383
This is a good question.

00:30:09.663 --> 00:30:13.528
So I'm going to answer it with Derek's definition.

00:30:13.928 --> 00:30:16.171
It's so nuanced, so nuanced.

00:30:16.191 --> 00:30:18.633
Yeah, there's nuances depending on the individual.

00:30:18.653 --> 00:30:26.781
I know we try to put it in a box, but I think what I have learned and what it means to me is choosing it daily.

00:30:26.821 --> 00:30:30.445
It's not always going to be a 10 level.

00:30:30.625 --> 00:30:30.987
Right.

00:30:31.047 --> 00:30:33.568
Although people believe that that's how it should be.

00:30:33.628 --> 00:30:33.990
Yes.

00:30:34.569 --> 00:30:37.252
It's constant, but it fluctuates, right?

00:30:37.413 --> 00:30:37.854
Yeah.

00:30:38.082 --> 00:30:51.537
And I think that choosing it means that all of the minutia of the other things that happen in a relationship have to be working in concert, like even during conflict, even doing the I don't like you days.

00:30:51.656 --> 00:30:51.997
Right.

00:30:52.077 --> 00:30:53.699
That there is resolve.

00:30:53.739 --> 00:30:54.279
Right.

00:30:54.460 --> 00:30:56.442
There is commonality.

00:30:56.542 --> 00:31:06.693
There's the love to me encompasses all of the things that have to work together in order to keep that love going, even if that love is a five this week.

00:31:07.137 --> 00:31:08.039
It's still there.

00:31:08.359 --> 00:31:09.403
It's not going anywhere.

00:31:09.563 --> 00:31:09.863
Right.00:31:10.023 --> 00:31:11.727


The actions that come along with it.00:31:11.988 --> 00:31:15.213


It's a symbiotic relationship between the two things.00:31:15.575 --> 00:31:17.940


They have to be present simultaneously.00:31:18.099 --> 00:31:18.401


Right.00:31:18.661 --> 00:31:18.981


Right.00:31:19.061 --> 00:31:19.702


Good or bad.00:31:19.742 --> 00:31:22.910


The actions, the feelings, the depth of it.00:31:23.394 --> 00:31:26.538


Because without the actions, you just have emotion.00:31:26.678 --> 00:31:26.999


Right.00:31:27.058 --> 00:31:30.182


And you don't want to have a relationship that's solely based on emotion.00:31:30.222 --> 00:31:31.964


We've seen this happen too, right?00:31:32.045 --> 00:31:32.405


Yeah.00:31:32.425 --> 00:31:36.830


And this is why people say love isn't enough to sustain a relationship.00:31:37.030 --> 00:31:37.531


It's true.00:31:37.692 --> 00:31:38.053


It is.00:31:38.093 --> 00:31:44.141


You need both in order to sustain long term because it's not always going to be a 10.00:31:44.181 --> 00:31:48.645


And when it's not a 10, what else do you have foundationally to keep it going?00:31:48.705 --> 00:31:49.047


Right.00:31:49.067 --> 00:31:50.648


And that's the respect.00:31:50.909 --> 00:31:55.942


That's the all the other things that happen, you know, the love languages and all of that, right?00:31:55.981 --> 00:31:56.201


Yeah.00:31:56.321 --> 00:32:00.666


We can talk about love languages without talking about overarching love.00:32:00.747 --> 00:32:01.086


Right.00:32:01.207 --> 00:32:02.808


What am I going to make you feel safe?00:32:03.209 --> 00:32:03.890


What am I doing?00:32:04.170 --> 00:32:05.371


Now we're under the umbrella.00:32:05.471 --> 00:32:08.815


If that stuff isn't present, the overarching love means nothing.00:32:09.515 --> 00:32:10.096


Exactly.00:32:10.175 --> 00:32:12.357


Because everybody's out here talking about love.00:32:12.458 --> 00:32:16.241


But what I've found is most people can't even define it for themselves.00:32:16.321 --> 00:32:20.445


We confuse love with need, with control, with pain, with attachment.00:32:20.506 --> 00:32:20.605


Right.00:32:20.834 --> 00:32:23.498


Some people lose all of it, but stay in a relationship.00:32:23.557 --> 00:32:25.422


That's dangerous, right?00:32:25.781 --> 00:32:29.288


It's not just the feeling, the actions that come along with it.00:32:29.709 --> 00:32:32.953


It's a symbiotic relationship between the two things.00:32:33.375 --> 00:32:40.086


They have to be present simultaneously, good or bad, the actions, the feelings, the depth of it.00:32:40.577 --> 00:32:43.721


Because without the actions, you just have emotion.00:32:44.020 --> 00:32:44.301


Right.00:32:44.821 --> 00:32:47.805


You don't want to have a relationship that's solely based on emotion.00:32:47.865 --> 00:32:49.205


We've seen this happen, too.00:32:49.445 --> 00:32:49.586


Right.00:32:49.846 --> 00:32:50.126


Right.00:32:50.146 --> 00:32:54.550


And this is why people say love isn't enough to sustain a relationship.00:32:54.750 --> 00:32:55.271


It's true.00:32:55.511 --> 00:32:55.811


Yeah.00:32:56.292 --> 00:33:02.898


So you need both in order to sustain long term because it is not always going to be a 10.00:33:02.939 --> 00:33:07.423


And when it's not a 10, what else do you have foundationally to keep it going?00:33:07.784 --> 00:33:09.444


And that's the respect.00:33:09.484 --> 00:33:10.185


That's the.00:33:10.529 --> 00:33:14.811


all the other things that happen, you know, the love languages and all of that, right?00:33:14.832 --> 00:33:15.093


Yeah.00:33:15.233 --> 00:33:19.855


We can talk about love languages without talking about The overarching love.00:33:19.996 --> 00:33:20.317


Yeah.00:33:20.576 --> 00:33:22.319


What am I going to make you feel safe?00:33:22.621 --> 00:33:23.382


What am I doing?00:33:23.461 --> 00:33:23.722


Right.00:33:23.843 --> 00:33:24.964


Now we're under the umbrella.00:33:25.065 --> 00:33:28.411


If that stuff isn't present, the overarching love means nothing.00:33:28.550 --> 00:33:30.094


Yeah, exactly.00:33:30.134 --> 00:33:32.377


Because everybody's out here talking about love.00:33:32.458 --> 00:33:36.325


But what I found is most people can't even define it for themselves.00:33:36.404 --> 00:33:40.612


We confuse love with need, with control, with pain, with attachment.00:33:41.012 --> 00:33:41.534


Yeah.00:33:41.698 --> 00:33:46.983


I want to know how has your definition, Derek's definition of love changed as you've grown?00:33:47.064 --> 00:33:52.351


Like, I know you don't look at love the way that you used to, and I'm sure you see it differently now.00:33:52.730 --> 00:33:56.194


So in the past, I thought of it as emotion only.00:33:56.234 --> 00:33:56.816


Yeah.00:33:56.915 --> 00:33:57.176


Right.00:33:57.917 --> 00:34:00.441


And because, again, remember where I come from.00:34:00.500 --> 00:34:02.202


The emotion is bigger to me.00:34:02.363 --> 00:34:02.663


Yeah.00:34:02.742 --> 00:34:06.688


The emotional attachment is bigger to me because of the lack of it growing up.00:34:06.807 --> 00:34:11.474


So I took the emotional attachment as 90 percent of.00:34:11.713 --> 00:34:15.882


What would be love or even connected in a relationship and the rest of it, we just figure out.00:34:16.282 --> 00:34:24.659


But now today it's different because now I have proof of concept because we're going on 16 years married now.00:34:24.719 --> 00:34:24.940


Right.00:34:25.021 --> 00:34:26.063


That's beautiful.00:34:26.443 --> 00:34:27.144


Look at you.00:34:27.485 --> 00:34:28.487


The nice villain.00:34:28.507 --> 00:34:30.251


16 years in the game.00:34:30.311 --> 00:34:31.534


The daily stuff.00:34:31.574 --> 00:34:31.893


Yeah.00:34:32.114 --> 00:34:32.474


Yeah.00:34:32.516 --> 00:34:33.757


The daily stuff.00:34:34.465 --> 00:34:37.309


means a lot.00:34:37.329 --> 00:34:42.818


So if you're not able to function through that, then forget the emotional stuff.00:34:42.878 --> 00:34:44.019


We ain't even going to be here.00:34:44.340 --> 00:34:44.621


Right?00:34:46.164 --> 00:35:20.045


That's why now I say they have to work in concert because even just conflict itself can bring life or death into a relationship depending on how you use it and so what I do as a healing journey coach is I help people understand why they show up even there the way that they do and a lot of times it has nothing to do with the partner in front of you it has to do with something that's been in you before you met them so like if you're and this is what I always like to illustrate to people because it's my story too but it's a lot of people's story You normally have one partner that wants to resolve now.00:35:20.286 --> 00:35:20.626


Right.00:35:20.768 --> 00:35:22.530


Then you have another partner that needs time.00:35:22.650 --> 00:35:22.990


Yeah.00:35:23.130 --> 00:35:25.956


If these two people don't understand each other, they will fight forever.00:35:26.155 --> 00:35:26.556


Yes.00:35:26.918 --> 00:35:35.090


And then when you do the deeper work, you find out that one of them has an anxious attachment style, one of them has an avoidant, and they always end up finding each other.00:35:35.130 --> 00:35:40.920


But the lesson that it is, is that the universe, God, whoever you want to call it, right?00:35:41.240 --> 00:35:44.445


They put people together that are uniquely different.00:35:44.641 --> 00:35:47.028


designed to trigger you into growth.00:35:47.550 --> 00:35:53.286


But if you do not understand that that's what it's for, you will take it as an offense and you will fight.00:35:53.568 --> 00:35:53.949


Right.00:35:54.108 --> 00:35:57.117


And you missed that growth lesson and that blessing.00:35:57.217 --> 00:36:02.365


Because I took the need for her to take time as abandonment.00:36:02.706 --> 00:36:05.731


And it would piss me off because I'm like, so you don't want to solve it now?00:36:05.771 --> 00:36:06.213


Right.00:36:06.273 --> 00:36:11.260


And she's like, no, I need time before I could come back to speak to you logically and not.00:36:11.942 --> 00:36:13.764


And I should be like running after her.00:36:13.844 --> 00:36:14.706


Like, where are you going?00:36:14.786 --> 00:36:16.248


And she's like, you're making it worse.00:36:16.769 --> 00:36:20.914


And then it becomes about everything else and not about what it was originally about.00:36:21.255 --> 00:36:28.244


Now you start unpacking and nitpicking and it's death by a thousand cuts and we're never even getting to the most egregious00:36:28.304 --> 00:36:28.543


wound.00:36:28.563 --> 00:36:33.750


And then you carry it because most people, especially men, aren't going to tell you that hurt me.00:36:34.030 --> 00:36:36.072


You're just going to be like, you know what, you got it.00:36:36.193 --> 00:36:43.032


And you're going to carry that for so long that then you're going to have to find somehow a to cope with the feeling and it's not going to be inside your house.00:36:43.512 --> 00:36:50.199


That's why I'm like, now when I talk to people, I'm like, wait, wait, wait, you got to know because I know where this goes.00:36:50.539 --> 00:36:51.840


That resentment runs deep.00:36:52.139 --> 00:36:52.621


It does.00:36:52.760 --> 00:36:53.561


It's self-imposed.00:36:53.722 --> 00:36:54.001


It is.00:36:54.101 --> 00:36:54.322


Right?00:36:54.422 --> 00:36:56.563


Because I'm choosing not to speak up for myself.00:36:56.623 --> 00:36:56.943


Right.00:36:57.025 --> 00:36:58.945


So the other person doesn't even know that I'm hurt.00:36:59.246 --> 00:36:59.487


Right.00:36:59.547 --> 00:37:18.143


But we expect them to know and expect them to see why through our actions, through our silence, the silent treatment, through holding your affection hostage and not giving it you know, that love and affection that most men, you know, love that physical touch, need that physical touch like you once did and you were missing.00:37:18.184 --> 00:37:23.010


A lot of boys didn't get those healthy models of love or affection growing up.00:37:23.429 --> 00:37:30.317


I got girls who are, I'm so uber affectionate and sometimes, you know, curse myself like, why?00:37:30.356 --> 00:37:32.760


Why did you create such affectionate children?00:37:32.800 --> 00:37:36.384


Because now you're sending them into the world that's affectionless.00:37:36.864 --> 00:37:37.724


You know what I'm saying?00:37:37.764 --> 00:38:11.661


You know, and I worry about them looking for that connection looking as a woman looking for that affection and man that opens these are why these conversations are important and so nuanced because I have so much I want to unpack and it is still never be enough because even then you have the nuances of that how you can even take that alone and have a whole conversation about black women looking for love and the fathers that they didn't have or the fathers that they did have or the men looking for the type of moms that they have whether they were toxic or whether they were good or a lot of men were raised by their grandmothers that's a whole conversation by itself.00:38:11.762 --> 00:38:17.188


I find men who are raised by their grandmothers come out a little differently, too, when they come into adulthood.00:38:17.327 --> 00:38:19.289


It is so, so, so much.00:38:19.590 --> 00:38:23.735


I'm going to tell you my definition of love, and I want you to tell me how you feel about it.00:38:24.576 --> 00:38:28.800


My definition of love is just one word, agape.00:38:29.701 --> 00:38:33.244


And I feel like love starts there.00:38:33.284 --> 00:38:35.226


That is the whole source.00:38:35.347 --> 00:38:37.750


If it's not agape, is it really love?00:38:38.306 --> 00:38:42.463


How can people who've never experienced Agape love.00:38:42.503 --> 00:39:03.121


And when I say my definition for agape love is just that love that we give without conditions, without judgment, that's just pure, that you're doing it solely out the service to see people smile, to uplift them, to build them, to help them, just to be a service of human because you simply love love.00:39:03.440 --> 00:39:11.068


For those who are spiritual and believe in the word of God, it tells you your greatest commandments is to love God and to love your neighbor.00:39:11.088 --> 00:39:11.248


Right.00:39:11.248 --> 00:39:11.768


Period.00:39:12.228 --> 00:39:17.135


If you take everything out of the Bible and you're just left with that, what does that tell you?00:39:17.175 --> 00:39:22.983


How you love God's people is a direct manifestation of how you say you love God.00:39:23.003 --> 00:39:26.088


And how can you really love God if you don't love his people?00:39:26.128 --> 00:39:29.831


And yeah, that's just how I leave it.00:39:29.893 --> 00:39:37.161


So how I love on people is how I show not only love for my creator, but love for the world that we live in.00:39:37.202 --> 00:39:39.905


I don't know if that's a good thing or...00:39:40.353 --> 00:39:41.135


Or bathing.00:39:41.175 --> 00:39:42.836


But that's that's how I treat love.00:39:43.057 --> 00:39:45.621


I'm going to tell you how I see it from what you said.00:39:45.800 --> 00:39:46.202


Yes, sir.00:39:46.442 --> 00:39:51.849


Your definition of it is correct, but it is very rarely practiced.00:39:51.909 --> 00:39:52.228


Yeah.00:39:52.809 --> 00:39:53.030


Yeah.00:39:53.110 --> 00:39:56.255


It's a very small percentage of the population who loves that way.00:39:56.695 --> 00:39:56.956


Right.00:39:57.496 --> 00:39:59.199


And mostly because of trauma.00:39:59.318 --> 00:39:59.599


Yeah.00:40:00.380 --> 00:40:00.480


Right.00:40:00.539 --> 00:40:04.766


The trauma blocks the ability for people to really be free to love in that way.00:40:05.153 --> 00:40:11.119


And a lot of people's motivations, even to even use the word love, come from a place of manipulation.00:40:11.139 --> 00:40:13.001


And we're not talking about bad people.00:40:13.242 --> 00:40:13.561


Right.00:40:13.661 --> 00:40:15.983


If I am greedy for affection.00:40:16.184 --> 00:40:16.385


Right.00:40:16.425 --> 00:40:17.885


Let's say I'm a people pleaser.00:40:17.905 --> 00:40:18.686


I'm a people pleaser.00:40:18.726 --> 00:40:18.907


Right.00:40:19.007 --> 00:40:25.132


So when I meet someone, I'm going to do things for you, for me to feel better about myself.00:40:25.172 --> 00:40:27.275


It's not even a genuine love.00:40:27.414 --> 00:40:28.735


It's really transactional.00:40:29.056 --> 00:40:31.278


But to the person, it feels like love.00:40:31.378 --> 00:40:33.800


They want to say, I love everything that I am.00:40:33.860 --> 00:40:34.581


But you're really.00:40:35.010 --> 00:40:40.021


loving them from a place of trauma where you feel like you have to overdo just to keep them.00:40:40.123 --> 00:40:40.445


Right.00:40:40.606 --> 00:40:41.009


Exactly.00:40:41.028 --> 00:40:44.295


And that isn't It's not a reciprocal type of situation.00:40:44.356 --> 00:40:48.820


So that's why like this whole thing of even therapy and just trying to figure out the why.00:40:48.860 --> 00:40:52.643


Like even if you took therapy out, just be curious about why you behave the way you do.00:40:53.043 --> 00:40:54.085


Most people don't do that.00:40:54.204 --> 00:40:54.605


Right.00:40:54.784 --> 00:40:56.085


Because that's self-reflection.00:40:56.146 --> 00:40:59.009


That's looking inward and scary in there.00:40:59.028 --> 00:41:06.195


So now you have most people don't do this because they have created a life that functions in society, whether it's healthy or not.00:41:06.394 --> 00:41:07.835


You wake up and you go to work.00:41:07.856 --> 00:41:11.920


You take care of your kids and you're functioning, but you're really not looking at your higher self.00:41:11.920 --> 00:41:14.902


You're really not looking at how you connect with people.00:41:14.943 --> 00:41:17.465


You just worrying about getting out of survival mode.00:41:17.585 --> 00:41:17.885


Right.00:41:17.925 --> 00:41:19.027


This is mostly the country.00:41:19.068 --> 00:41:24.413


So when you talk about agape type of a love, people don't even make time to even feel that.00:41:24.432 --> 00:41:24.512


Yeah.00:41:24.552 --> 00:41:24.853


Yeah.00:41:25.494 --> 00:41:25.574


It's00:41:25.755 --> 00:41:26.335


unfortunate.00:41:26.375 --> 00:41:37.427


How do people recognize the difference between agape love and people who are, like you said, just using that to heal something inside of them, that people pleasing thing?00:41:37.547 --> 00:41:43.552


Because, you know, at the end of the day, I feel like that's exactly what's missing in the world is simply love.00:41:43.614 --> 00:41:47.336


People, the definition is obscure, is nuanced for people.00:41:47.416 --> 00:41:48.878


People look at love differently.00:41:48.898 --> 00:41:51.641


I mean, there's so much that comes under that umbrella.00:41:51.740 --> 00:42:08.735


Well, you know, it's unfortunate that we, society, has so many, so much conditioning, so many experiences that we have, whether it's childhood, whether it's friends, whether it's church, whatever it is in your life that builds you into who you are.00:42:08.755 --> 00:42:11.297


There's so much in there that creates you.00:42:11.650 --> 00:42:17.297


that sometimes people get so lost in that that they don't even look for the agape love.00:42:17.398 --> 00:42:25.510


They feel like their functioning life, even if it's dysfunctional, is what life is supposed to be because they don't have anything else modeled for them.00:42:25.550 --> 00:42:34.963


And that's why your podcast, my show, and people who are willing to hoist, whoever's willing to be hoisted up on their shoulders and say, hey, you can be different.00:42:35.023 --> 00:42:36.666


This is an example of how.00:42:36.806 --> 00:42:42.900


And then a lot of times, even with me, with men, When they see me be vulnerable, then they're like, maybe I can too.00:42:43.001 --> 00:42:43.340


Right.00:42:43.481 --> 00:42:49.385


But if you don't have people that are willing to be some type of an example to give you some type of hope.00:42:49.547 --> 00:42:52.748


Give them those tools in the toolbox you mentioned.00:42:52.929 --> 00:42:53.190


Yeah.00:42:53.269 --> 00:42:54.590


So it's a tough world.00:42:54.630 --> 00:43:03.858


But what I tell the people under my covering as a coach, my folks, when they graduate from my system, the eyes and the ears that they have are more healed.00:43:04.139 --> 00:43:04.378


Yeah.00:43:04.400 --> 00:43:09.204


And they will not allow people in their energetic space that does not belong.00:43:09.304 --> 00:43:09.583


Yeah.00:43:09.583 --> 00:43:33.150


And so what that does is if let's say they're single and they're looking for their partner, their life partner, they're more apt to meet another person who has worked on themselves because they know what the other thing looks like more than they ever have, which means the type of love that you are talking about increases for them to find because a healed person can find another healed person.00:43:33.230 --> 00:43:33.951


Right.00:43:34.251 --> 00:43:35.351


Energy is everything.00:43:35.393 --> 00:43:35.713


Yeah.00:43:35.753 --> 00:43:36.494


Without that.00:43:36.929 --> 00:43:40.659


You will keep picking the heel person if they don't use the tools.00:43:40.938 --> 00:43:41.000


A00:43:41.099 --> 00:43:41.460


cycle.00:43:41.481 --> 00:43:45.309


They will still be attracted to the same thing and they'll go over there.00:43:45.349 --> 00:43:48.115


And that's why the whole boundaries and all of this thing is very important.00:43:48.175 --> 00:43:48.496


Right.00:43:48.556 --> 00:43:53.809


And most of the people that come to me in this state, I tell them you're under my covering now.00:43:54.114 --> 00:43:58.925


And as your coach, you are not allowed to go date anyone until I tell you you can go back outside.00:43:58.965 --> 00:43:59.507


Right.00:44:00.389 --> 00:44:01.490


And you know why I do that?00:44:01.532 --> 00:44:02.594


You got to sit down, right?00:44:02.693 --> 00:44:05.400


And they're like, can I just have a friend?00:44:05.481 --> 00:44:07.045


Can I just somebody who's in my DMs?00:44:07.284 --> 00:44:07.505


No.00:44:07.938 --> 00:44:10.001


Don't talk to nobody until you know.00:44:10.501 --> 00:44:12.043


And they're like, they get mad at me.00:44:12.083 --> 00:44:13.324


And I'm like, no, you cannot.00:44:13.445 --> 00:44:16.148


Your body and your mind are trained to desire this.00:44:16.389 --> 00:44:17.751


It's not working for you.00:44:17.771 --> 00:44:23.177


And the reason why I can tell them this with a certainty is because I was the dude that you're afraid of.00:44:23.538 --> 00:44:26.262


Like I understand what that person would see in you.00:44:26.862 --> 00:44:32.389


So let's say you take five of my workshops and you're like, okay, coach, I took the workshops and I think I'm ready.00:44:32.961 --> 00:44:38.427


If I smell it on you, just like I would if I was outside analyzing behavior, I'm going to tell you, you're not ready yet.00:44:38.867 --> 00:44:40.329


If I can smell it, they will too.00:44:43.291 --> 00:44:46.414


Because I was a damn good one because of this mind my mama made me have.00:44:46.514 --> 00:44:49.958


I was able to pick out the little crumbs of the cookie.00:44:50.018 --> 00:44:52.340


Like, wait, no, she said that one word.00:44:52.581 --> 00:44:57.286


Like, so if I see that in you and you're under my covering, you're not ready yet.00:44:57.346 --> 00:45:02.960


So I have people that have graduated my system where they will unapologetically tell you, that they are good.00:45:03.000 --> 00:45:03.641


Yeah.00:45:03.721 --> 00:45:09.510


They be talking about going on solo trips and doing all this stuff and I'm not afraid to do this and I'm like, that's the whole point.00:45:09.672 --> 00:45:10.293


Exactly.00:45:10.313 --> 00:45:17.385


Be okay by yourself so you don't have a need to give people control of your self-worth and your self-esteem because you don't have it.00:45:17.505 --> 00:45:17.987


Right.00:45:18.347 --> 00:45:18.847


Right.00:45:19.289 --> 00:45:20.911


I appreciate you for that insight.00:45:21.052 --> 00:45:23.735


I ask all this Because I believe in love.00:45:23.775 --> 00:45:25.838


Real love is missing.00:45:25.938 --> 00:45:28.322


It's been mutated, especially in our community.00:45:28.742 --> 00:45:39.398


When you look at how love shows up in Black families, Black partnerships, Black spaces, what do you see that's been passed down that maybe we never questioned?00:45:39.498 --> 00:45:40.500


Like the patterns.00:45:40.539 --> 00:45:45.588


What patterns do you notice that aren't love, but we've been calling it that?00:45:45.608 --> 00:45:45.628


I00:45:46.489 --> 00:46:00.148


think that when you talk about Black love, love and the things that have been passed down, I think the unfortunate tragedy is that and I don't like to be the guy to be like, oh, the government did this or that.00:46:00.628 --> 00:46:02.150


No, but it's valid.00:46:02.190 --> 00:46:03.751


It's a valid conversation.00:46:03.791 --> 00:46:06.333


It's a part of it, but I like to look deeper.00:46:06.373 --> 00:46:06.875


Right.00:46:07.114 --> 00:46:10.557


You have to get to the root of things in order to.00:46:10.739 --> 00:46:29.226


Yeah, so what I typically see as a pattern is that by however it happened, right, you have generation or two where the Black man, by whatever struggle, whatever you want to call it, had been conditioned, whether self-imposed or not, Right.00:46:29.407 --> 00:46:33.833


Of course.00:46:43.666 --> 00:46:47.413


Right.00:46:53.985 --> 00:47:01.501


or some men who treat you in an abusive way or treat you like you're not even human because we're conditioned to acquire you, not love you, right?00:47:01.722 --> 00:47:07.632


So when you take generations of this, you give birth to a population of women that say, men ain't bleep.00:47:07.974 --> 00:47:08.996


Get it by yourself.00:47:09.356 --> 00:47:10.980


We don't need them for anything.00:47:11.000 --> 00:47:13.826


It disrupts everything energetically.00:47:13.865 --> 00:47:23.543


And you can't fully blame women You can't fully blame men, but the minutiae between it creates chaos because now the natural order has been destroyed.00:47:24.025 --> 00:47:27.248


And so when you have women, women are human.00:47:27.309 --> 00:47:34.318


So you ultimately, no matter what comes out your mouth, you really want and desire to have someone to have your back, to love you and all these things.00:47:34.518 --> 00:47:43.070


But your defense mechanisms are so high that now even a man who is willing to give you that, you're going to push him away because you have to defend yourself.00:47:43.233 --> 00:47:46.199


Right.00:47:46.699 --> 00:47:48.322


Right.00:48:01.505 --> 00:48:03.588


whatever superhero you need to be.00:48:03.949 --> 00:48:08.836


And you got to show up in your relationships and be demure and be this and be that.00:48:08.936 --> 00:48:12.262


It's hard for one human to do all of that.00:48:12.603 --> 00:48:18.251


And so when you have that sentiment, you may have a man that say, why aren't you softer?00:48:18.311 --> 00:48:18.992


Why aren't you?00:48:19.092 --> 00:48:21.036


And she's looking at you like, do you see what I'm doing?00:48:21.416 --> 00:48:26.237


When you do all of that, It's hard to breathe and be agape love.00:48:26.757 --> 00:48:26.958


Right.00:48:27.059 --> 00:48:28.119


You got all of this.00:48:28.280 --> 00:48:37.829


And so it's hard to carry just the relationship stuff on top of the contention between black men and black women and deal with the world to be parents.00:48:38.010 --> 00:48:38.570


Yes.00:48:39.411 --> 00:48:39.773


Yeah.00:48:39.893 --> 00:48:40.413


It's tough.00:48:40.733 --> 00:48:41.494


It's tough for both.00:48:41.755 --> 00:48:43.717


And it feels impossible sometimes.00:48:43.876 --> 00:48:46.139


And people give up because of that.00:48:46.179 --> 00:48:46.500


Yeah.00:48:46.780 --> 00:48:48.262


And then which happens as a human.00:48:48.545 --> 00:48:49.907


You're the hero in your story.00:48:49.947 --> 00:48:50.750


So who are you going to blame?00:48:50.969 --> 00:48:51.391


Right.00:48:51.751 --> 00:48:52.393


That's true.00:48:52.652 --> 00:49:00.447


Now you have all of these live streams going back and forth, going crazy on each other, trying to figure out who's wrong and who's right instead of trying to figure out how we fix it.00:49:00.706 --> 00:49:09.041


And that is also a problem because a human and it doesn't necessarily have to be race specific, but you want to find a reason why you're in the position you're in.00:49:09.121 --> 00:49:11.144


And most of us don't want to look at ourselves.00:49:11.206 --> 00:49:11.405


So.00:49:11.617 --> 00:49:13.280


We're going to fight the person in front of us.00:49:13.521 --> 00:49:13.860


Right.00:49:14.262 --> 00:49:16.344


How do we entangle all of that?00:49:16.364 --> 00:49:25.137


That generational stuff, the wounds, those patterns, that survival mode love that starts showing up in our relationships because it always does.00:49:25.197 --> 00:49:26.820


Yeah, it's it's a lot.00:49:26.940 --> 00:49:28.762


It's a lot to digest.00:49:28.802 --> 00:49:32.226


But I think that we see pockets of hope.00:49:32.788 --> 00:49:35.592


We don't see a community of hope, but we see pockets of hope.00:49:35.632 --> 00:49:36.813


Like you're part of the pocket.00:49:36.873 --> 00:49:39.677


I'm a part of pocket in championing love.00:49:39.969 --> 00:49:43.193


genuine agape love is the goal, right?00:49:43.414 --> 00:49:45.777


Even if we don't achieve it all the way, but we want that.00:49:46.498 --> 00:49:59.414


I think a lot of it comes from people seeing other people like yourself, myself, and a lot of others not being afraid to speak about it instead of just existing in it to say, hey, here's something different.00:49:59.793 --> 00:50:01.456


We got to look at ourselves a little bit.00:50:01.556 --> 00:50:13.934


And then when you actually, what I try to do, and even what I've done on this podcast today, is to be unapologetically vulnerable about my experience so that when I tell it, then people can say me too.00:50:14.393 --> 00:50:18.938


And if they can say me too, then we are now connected in that way.00:50:19.139 --> 00:50:23.222


And you can also possibly see that there's a way out because I found a way out.00:50:23.764 --> 00:50:24.304


You understand?00:50:24.344 --> 00:50:31.510


So it's like people give themselves permission to be vulnerable when they feel like it's safe to be so.00:50:31.891 --> 00:50:34.751


And so I provide a platform where Right.00:50:34.990 --> 00:50:35.090


Yeah.00:50:35.871 --> 00:50:47.547


Yeah.00:50:55.329 --> 00:50:57.851


Yes, I don't experience your life as a woman.00:50:57.952 --> 00:51:00.655


I'll never know what it feels like, but I know what pain feels like.00:51:00.914 --> 00:51:01.295


Right.00:51:01.655 --> 00:51:02.536


I know emotion.00:51:02.576 --> 00:51:03.956


I know devastation.00:51:04.378 --> 00:51:08.661


And so I connect with them there and then we can talk about the rest of the stuff on the back end.00:51:08.722 --> 00:51:15.748


But that's how I connect with people because to be a light for someone who may be in despair right now, it happens.00:51:15.867 --> 00:51:16.367


Yes.00:51:16.829 --> 00:51:17.148


Yes.00:51:17.289 --> 00:51:18.630


I say it too often.00:51:18.670 --> 00:51:21.992


And you just mentioned that just women and what you help them with.00:51:22.012 --> 00:51:26.478


I want to pivot there real quick because what I find to be just in my Yeah.00:51:27.239 --> 00:51:28.059


Yeah.00:51:44.001 --> 00:51:45.543


Hold it in no matter what.00:51:45.583 --> 00:51:52.634


That once again, a piece of a man is better than no man in awe or love who loves you, even if that love is toxic.00:51:53.014 --> 00:52:02.088


On the flip side, I see a lot of black men who expect their partners to be their healer, their therapist, their emotional translator, their peace.00:52:02.208 --> 00:52:02.628


I hear that.00:52:02.688 --> 00:52:03.610


Be my peace.00:52:04.411 --> 00:52:11.842


Instead of doing the work themselves and learning that in order to receive peace from a woman, you yourself have to be peaceful.00:52:11.862 --> 00:52:12.061


Yeah.00:52:12.161 --> 00:52:17.309


Why do you think so many of us get caught up in the role of fixer in relationships?00:52:17.429 --> 00:52:18.090


Is it love?00:52:18.170 --> 00:52:18.972


Is it control?00:52:19.112 --> 00:52:20.414


Or is it conditioning?00:52:20.914 --> 00:52:22.137


Here's the sentiment, right?00:52:22.438 --> 00:52:27.385


And the overarching thing of what I'm about to say is we had a period of time where things were one way.00:52:27.885 --> 00:52:28.967


Now things are different.00:52:29.248 --> 00:52:30.949


And so we're in a period of correction.00:52:30.969 --> 00:52:32.793


That's why everybody's fighting each other, right?00:52:33.293 --> 00:52:41.146


So what tends to happen is, generally speaking, women tend to be more nurturing than men, right?00:52:41.697 --> 00:52:47.989


A nurturer is a problem solver, a fixer by nature, whether a man is present or not.00:52:48.250 --> 00:52:59.068


So when you enter in a man, a man who has not worked on anything, he shows up as broken because you're going to see his outbursts.00:52:59.088 --> 00:53:02.394


You're going to see him not be able to handle things and keep it in.00:53:02.795 --> 00:53:05.219


Women, you always see the pattern changes.00:53:05.260 --> 00:53:09.987


You always see where the issues are, because that's a part of who you are naturally.00:53:10.106 --> 00:53:10.427


Right.00:53:10.507 --> 00:53:18.338


As you solve these problems of emotion, you solve these problems of nurturing and coddling and making sure because it's part of your nature.00:53:18.378 --> 00:53:18.797


Right.00:53:18.858 --> 00:53:22.704


So you're naturally going to want to do this for the person that you love the most.00:53:22.784 --> 00:53:23.164


Right.00:53:23.344 --> 00:53:27.309


The problem is, is that the person that you love the most don't even know what that feel like.00:53:27.521 --> 00:53:30.289


There's nothing wrong with me.00:53:30.329 --> 00:53:30.670


Stop.00:53:30.771 --> 00:53:31.311


Leave me alone.00:53:31.351 --> 00:53:32.233


What's wrong with00:53:32.315 --> 00:53:32.375


you?00:53:32.394 --> 00:53:33.597


It's just the way I am.00:53:33.617 --> 00:53:34.500


Take it or leave00:53:34.721 --> 00:53:34.760


it.00:53:35.021 --> 00:53:37.869


We've been trained to not do it where you...00:53:38.242 --> 00:53:40.184


You don't even have to have it modeled for you.00:53:40.324 --> 00:53:42.367


It's innate for you to nurture.00:53:42.528 --> 00:53:42.809


Right.00:53:42.849 --> 00:53:43.110


Right.00:53:43.250 --> 00:53:47.076


So you're going to see a lot of women who fix, who want to fix.00:53:47.115 --> 00:53:48.717


There's a guy sleeping on your couch.00:53:48.818 --> 00:53:48.898


I00:53:49.920 --> 00:53:51.282


call him the Bob, the builder.00:53:51.322 --> 00:53:51.543


Yeah.00:53:51.623 --> 00:53:52.143


You got that.00:53:52.184 --> 00:53:58.833


You got the hobo sexual sitting on your couch, not paying no bills because you hoping that they're going to become something greater.00:53:59.266 --> 00:54:01.047


and you will destroy yourself.00:54:01.088 --> 00:54:01.489


Right.00:54:01.849 --> 00:54:10.099


And before you even go to those men, because the offshoot of that, Derek, is once you build them up, now you're no longer, you know what I'm saying?00:54:10.380 --> 00:54:17.070


You no longer fit into what you created because while you were busy fixing them, you were never growing with them.00:54:17.409 --> 00:54:21.315


You weren't even fixing yourself and working on those things that you needed to work on.00:54:21.335 --> 00:54:24.599


You're actually deteriorating from where you were in the beginning.00:54:24.619 --> 00:54:27.342


So it definitely will be unequal at this point, right?00:54:27.704 --> 00:54:31.340


And so they're always surprised when he moves on and I'm like...00:54:31.360 --> 00:54:32.342


You left me for...00:54:35.867 --> 00:54:36.869


Y'all don't match anymore.00:54:36.889 --> 00:54:38.050


Don't get me started.00:54:38.090 --> 00:54:44.721


So now when you talk about men and the man's quest for what you said was correct, they're looking for a therapist.00:54:44.880 --> 00:54:50.548


They're looking for somebody to help keep them calm because the trauma is so high, right?00:54:50.568 --> 00:54:51.831


And it's unresolved.00:54:52.231 --> 00:55:00.576


So they're thinking that if you are a person who doesn't give them any pushback, who lets them kind of just be That's peace to them.00:55:00.655 --> 00:55:00.916


Right.00:55:01.056 --> 00:55:01.476


Quiet.00:55:01.597 --> 00:55:02.557


Just leave me alone.00:55:02.597 --> 00:55:05.001


And if you do that, then we'll be OK.00:55:05.061 --> 00:55:06.882


But that doesn't solve anything.00:55:07.043 --> 00:55:07.423


Right.00:55:07.523 --> 00:55:13.630


And so now the correction is, is that we know that men need to meet you in the middle.00:55:14.492 --> 00:55:14.853


Right.00:55:15.072 --> 00:55:19.018


And it's hard for a lot of men because this is not how we were trained.00:55:19.077 --> 00:55:20.320


This is not our conditioning.00:55:20.679 --> 00:55:23.804


We've never seen men go to therapy.00:55:23.844 --> 00:55:25.606


We've never seen men say, you know what?00:55:25.985 --> 00:55:27.226


I'm depressed right now.00:55:27.268 --> 00:55:30.771


And I don't know if I could take the trash out tomorrow because I need to sit down.00:55:31.112 --> 00:55:31.992


You're not going to get up.00:55:32.052 --> 00:55:33.956


You're not going to get that from a lot of men.00:55:34.556 --> 00:55:36.699


But women are screaming for it.00:55:36.759 --> 00:55:40.123


Like if you just meet me here, I'm still going to be nurturing.00:55:40.163 --> 00:55:41.704


But at least I know what to nurture.00:55:41.744 --> 00:55:45.449


At least I know because now I'm going to come at you wrong because I don't know.00:55:45.550 --> 00:55:47.291


I'm going to be like, why aren't you talking to me?00:55:47.572 --> 00:55:47.771


What?00:55:48.012 --> 00:55:48.233


What?00:55:48.313 --> 00:55:48.512


What?00:55:48.753 --> 00:55:50.536


And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.00:55:50.635 --> 00:55:51.717


Now I ain't going to never talk.00:55:51.856 --> 00:55:53.840


So it's that it's all of that.00:55:54.079 --> 00:55:54.340


Right.00:55:54.380 --> 00:55:55.782


So it's it's very.00:55:56.257 --> 00:56:01.722


unfortunate because there was a time in history where men could be like this and it was OK.00:56:02.063 --> 00:56:02.384


Right.00:56:02.603 --> 00:56:02.963


Right.00:56:03.184 --> 00:56:06.367


And they could go to their queen and discuss.00:56:06.467 --> 00:56:07.088


Exactly.00:56:07.128 --> 00:56:09.070


And they value their insight.00:56:09.110 --> 00:56:10.231


You know, the wisdom.00:56:10.271 --> 00:56:15.356


They knew that if I come to you with something, you're going to help navigate and course correct.00:56:15.737 --> 00:56:17.599


I could trust your course correction.00:56:17.639 --> 00:56:24.125


And so now that women don't have to depend on men financially, there's an open space of I don't need.00:56:24.605 --> 00:56:25.106


I want you.00:56:25.601 --> 00:56:28.065


I want us to build together, but I don't need you for that.00:56:28.126 --> 00:56:29.047


So now what's left?00:56:29.648 --> 00:56:35.936


All the emotional stuff, the minutia that I talked about, about love and then all of that stuff now is more important.00:56:35.976 --> 00:56:37.900


And the man is like, what you talking about?00:56:37.960 --> 00:56:40.684


Wait, I got to do that too now?00:56:40.804 --> 00:56:41.844


I just can't pay the bill?00:56:41.864 --> 00:56:42.106


Right.00:56:42.246 --> 00:56:42.827


I'm a man.00:56:42.847 --> 00:56:46.090


Oh my God, I have to now emotionally connect with you?00:56:46.192 --> 00:56:47.193


I don't know how to do that.00:56:47.233 --> 00:56:47.614


Right.00:56:47.713 --> 00:56:53.342


And so it becomes this thing where now if a man says, I can't do that, then he's like, well...00:56:53.954 --> 00:56:55.717


I'm not that's not what I'm supposed to be.00:56:55.818 --> 00:56:56.900


So you're the problem.00:56:57.061 --> 00:56:57.862


Right.00:56:57.963 --> 00:57:00.387


You're the one who made me upset.00:57:00.588 --> 00:57:02.974


And the woman is like, no, because you're not emotionally intelligent.00:57:02.994 --> 00:57:04.036


She's like, you're the problem.00:57:04.056 --> 00:57:07.362


And so now everybody's just like not trying to bend.00:57:07.382 --> 00:57:07.463


Yeah.00:57:08.105 --> 00:57:12.855


To meet in the middle with this new what they call modern era that we're in.00:57:12.875 --> 00:57:13.255


Right.00:57:13.275 --> 00:57:13.998


They don't want to.00:57:14.273 --> 00:57:19.128


adapt to the changes, even though we adapt to the changes everywhere else in our lives.00:57:19.309 --> 00:57:19.730


Yeah.00:57:19.750 --> 00:57:22.978


This is the one place where we putting our toes, two toes down.00:57:23.079 --> 00:57:24.103


Stay stuck.00:57:24.282 --> 00:57:25.106


I ain't gonna change.00:57:25.538 --> 00:57:27.460


But everything around us is evolving.00:57:27.481 --> 00:57:27.882


Right.00:57:27.942 --> 00:57:29.202


Even how we parent our kids.00:57:29.264 --> 00:57:29.764


Yeah.00:57:30.025 --> 00:57:31.786


We can't do that like how we used to.00:57:33.028 --> 00:57:33.869


We cannot.00:57:34.210 --> 00:57:35.333


These kids ain't built like that.00:57:35.373 --> 00:57:35.954


Right.00:57:36.233 --> 00:57:38.077


So many people are traditionalists.00:57:38.177 --> 00:57:41.661


They can't reconcile that the world will never be the same again.00:57:41.681 --> 00:57:49.132


That each generation, each century, each timeline feels the same, but it looks different.00:57:49.172 --> 00:57:51.916


And we have to be able to...00:57:52.449 --> 00:57:56.300


Like you said, adapt, keep up with the changes in the world.00:57:56.380 --> 00:58:02.454


And we have to restructure our perspective based on the world that we see in that and that we're living in.00:58:02.655 --> 00:58:10.014


But if you're trying to stay stuck in the past and apply things that may have worked in now, that's just not.00:58:10.177 --> 00:58:11.000


It's not going to happen.00:58:11.019 --> 00:58:11.119


The00:58:11.199 --> 00:58:12.925


funny thing, real quick, real quick.00:58:12.965 --> 00:58:22.166


The funny thing about, well, not funny, haha, but funny irony is that you'll have a population of women that will tell a man that he has to be more vulnerable, right?00:58:22.827 --> 00:58:24.833


Then said man says, you know what?00:58:25.213 --> 00:58:26.617


I'm going to start to share more.00:58:26.677 --> 00:58:28.702


Then he goes outside and he's sharing more.00:58:28.802 --> 00:58:32.326


And then you have another population of women that says you ain't no real man.00:58:32.485 --> 00:58:32.826


Right.00:58:32.967 --> 00:58:34.507


Why are you being so vulnerable?00:58:34.568 --> 00:58:35.329


That ain't no man.00:58:35.670 --> 00:58:36.130


Right.00:58:36.449 --> 00:58:36.911


Right.00:58:37.150 --> 00:58:37.972


You sassy.00:58:38.331 --> 00:58:38.532


You00:58:38.773 --> 00:58:39.333


sensitive.00:58:39.653 --> 00:58:43.297


Then he's like, well, damn, I might have to go ahead and hide again.00:58:43.577 --> 00:58:43.697


Yeah.00:58:43.717 --> 00:58:43.797


Yeah.00:58:43.818 --> 00:58:43.858


So00:58:43.878 --> 00:58:45.880


it's not just men doing it to ourselves.00:58:45.920 --> 00:58:46.420


Not at all.00:58:46.440 --> 00:58:46.661


There are00:58:46.762 --> 00:58:50.045


also women who buy into that philosophy as well.00:58:50.144 --> 00:58:52.547


And they will push that man back down, too.00:58:52.568 --> 00:58:52.668


Right.00:58:52.728 --> 00:58:54.190


So from a man's perspective.00:58:54.530 --> 00:58:59.324


You have to weigh the options of how you're going to be dependent on who you with.00:58:59.626 --> 00:59:02.715


So the safest thing to do is to just keep being stoic.00:59:03.197 --> 00:59:06.307


That way I cover all of it, but it's not healthy to do.00:59:06.628 --> 00:59:06.909


Yeah.00:59:07.074 --> 00:59:08.396


Growth is a beautiful thing.00:59:08.476 --> 00:59:13.043


I see nothing wrong with helping your people you love grow.00:59:13.083 --> 00:59:14.865


Nothing is wrong with that at all.00:59:15.367 --> 00:59:20.994


How do you know when you're trying to help your partner grow versus when you're carrying their healing for them?00:59:21.054 --> 00:59:24.840


Because there's a difference between supporting someone and saving them.00:59:24.880 --> 00:59:28.646


How do we draw the line, especially when the bond is deep?00:59:29.188 --> 00:59:31.751


Well, here's the thing that most people don't want to hear.00:59:32.572 --> 00:59:37.849


When you're talking about healing, when you're talking about trauma, where you can see these things.00:59:38.710 --> 00:59:39.911


Most of us aren't capable.00:59:40.693 --> 00:59:43.237


What we want to do is we want to help cure it, right?00:59:43.297 --> 00:59:44.119


We can't do that.00:59:44.260 --> 00:59:49.949


You can be supportive, but we can't fix something that your mama did to you when you was 10.00:59:50.050 --> 00:59:50.871


You can't do that.00:59:51.012 --> 00:59:57.342


Like this is not, Unfortunately, not our job and we are not qualified to help them push through that.00:59:57.943 --> 01:00:00.186


The problem is most people won't go seek help.01:00:00.206 --> 01:00:02.329


So you're stuck in a house with a person with the issues.01:00:02.409 --> 01:00:04.313


And so you try to like fight through it with them.01:00:04.514 --> 01:00:06.978


You can't love the healing out of a person.01:00:07.018 --> 01:00:07.659


You can care.01:00:07.838 --> 01:00:08.199


Right.01:00:08.219 --> 01:00:08.860


You can support.01:00:08.900 --> 01:00:09.221


Right.01:00:09.442 --> 01:00:12.005


But once you actually realize that it's really trauma.01:00:12.322 --> 01:00:15.748


then you have to understand that it's not you that can fully fix it.01:00:15.768 --> 01:00:17.831


And you can't love trauma away.01:00:17.871 --> 01:00:18.152


Yeah.01:00:18.371 --> 01:00:22.259


This will be trying to do is try to do extra, try to fix, try to do01:00:22.639 --> 01:00:23.922


love the hell out of them.01:00:23.981 --> 01:00:25.565


The literal hell out of a man.01:00:25.605 --> 01:00:25.824


Yeah.01:00:26.045 --> 01:00:26.246


Yeah.01:00:26.686 --> 01:00:28.188


Doing more does not help.01:00:28.329 --> 01:00:31.213


And even if it does feel like it helps, it's really a bandaid.01:00:31.534 --> 01:00:32.936


It's going to keep resurfacing.01:00:32.956 --> 01:00:33.056


Yeah.01:00:33.338 --> 01:00:41.681


It's just like somebody that I talked to, they were like, You know, they had dated this guy for like maybe under a year and they knew that he had anger issues.01:00:41.782 --> 01:00:42.001


Right.01:00:42.141 --> 01:00:42.583


They knew.01:00:42.702 --> 01:00:47.329


And so he had anger issues and then they broke up with him because of the issues.01:00:47.409 --> 01:00:47.809


Right.01:00:47.829 --> 01:00:50.092


Then he kind of got himself together.01:00:50.152 --> 01:00:51.855


Now, they wasn't living together or anything.01:00:52.394 --> 01:00:53.637


And he showed her better.01:00:53.677 --> 01:00:54.117


Right.01:00:54.338 --> 01:00:54.637


Right.01:00:54.938 --> 01:01:00.246


Until they moved in together because now he didn't have a place to escape.01:01:01.121 --> 01:01:06.255


And the anger showed back up and it heightened from where it was before until it got physical.01:01:06.416 --> 01:01:06.737


Yeah.01:01:06.797 --> 01:01:09.563


Because when they were living in separate houses, he could hide it.01:01:09.623 --> 01:01:10.186


Exactly.01:01:10.226 --> 01:01:10.266


So01:01:10.286 --> 01:01:12.532


it never went anywhere.01:01:12.572 --> 01:01:16.422


No matter how much she loved him, no matter how much they pretended.01:01:16.822 --> 01:01:17.103


Yeah.01:01:17.164 --> 01:01:17.766


Outside.01:01:18.434 --> 01:01:21.297


His crutch was that he was able to go home and vent.01:01:21.498 --> 01:01:21.797


Yeah.01:01:21.978 --> 01:01:24.702


When they lived in the same house, she got to catch all of it.01:01:24.862 --> 01:01:29.307


And then they ended up breaking up again because she was like, oh, no, nobody's going to touch me.01:01:29.347 --> 01:01:33.914


You know, so it's like, no, it's tough when you don't know the why.01:01:34.434 --> 01:01:43.485


That's why this whole platform of mine switched to this, because if we don't tackle that, you can take what I always tell people, you can take two things.01:01:43.938 --> 01:01:52.268


good people with two intentions, good intention that they will destroy each other because the communication about who they are isn't talked about.01:01:52.347 --> 01:01:52.447


What01:01:52.507 --> 01:01:53.148


is that saying?01:01:53.188 --> 01:01:53.710


Yeah.01:01:53.909 --> 01:01:56.072


The road to hell is paved with good intentions.01:01:56.092 --> 01:01:56.373


Yeah.01:01:56.632 --> 01:02:00.898


You can take good people and destroy each other just from them being one anxious and one avoided.01:02:00.918 --> 01:02:06.063


They will destroy and hate each other in the end because they don't understand the motivation.01:02:06.385 --> 01:02:08.918


What I always like to say Right.01:02:09.139 --> 01:02:13.005


Exactly.01:02:14.025 --> 01:02:14.206


Right.01:02:31.425 --> 01:02:37.233


you will believe that you're right every time and you will fight for you being right every time and be totally wrong.01:02:37.253 --> 01:02:37.333


Yeah,01:02:38.233 --> 01:02:39.135


exactly.01:02:39.175 --> 01:02:40.918


That little kid is like, nah, we need to go.01:02:41.177 --> 01:02:42.039


They just yelled at us.01:02:42.079 --> 01:02:42.780


That's your mama.01:02:42.860 --> 01:02:43.159


Exactly.01:02:43.179 --> 01:02:44.942


You got to treat them like how you feel.01:02:44.981 --> 01:02:47.144


And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.01:02:47.585 --> 01:02:51.369


I didn't really raise my voice, but you perceived it as that.01:02:51.469 --> 01:02:52.030


Exactly.01:02:52.090 --> 01:02:54.554


That word choice.01:02:54.954 --> 01:02:55.235


Yeah.01:02:55.534 --> 01:03:02.947


When you actually parse out conflict in people, you can literally see That little kid raising up and getting01:03:03.007 --> 01:03:03.327


triggered.01:03:03.427 --> 01:03:03.909


Exactly.01:03:03.949 --> 01:03:04.509


You can.01:03:04.548 --> 01:03:05.590


You can.01:03:05.630 --> 01:03:10.974


And it's easier to focus on that instead of the actual trigger.01:03:11.215 --> 01:03:13.338


What is actually triggering you right now?01:03:13.358 --> 01:03:13.398


My01:03:13.697 --> 01:03:17.280


trigger in my infinite wisdom is criticism of my character.01:03:17.440 --> 01:03:17.862


Yes.01:03:18.402 --> 01:03:19.103


I hate that too.01:03:19.123 --> 01:03:19.422


Because01:03:19.503 --> 01:03:23.246


I still have some people pleaser in me a little bit, right?01:03:23.447 --> 01:03:27.231


So I feel like I'm overdoing things to make sure you're good.01:03:27.291 --> 01:03:29.432


So if you find, you know what?01:03:29.713 --> 01:03:30.494


You never do.01:03:31.074 --> 01:03:31.534


Never?01:03:31.775 --> 01:03:32.074


Yeah.01:03:32.596 --> 01:03:33.175


Whoa, whoa.01:03:33.356 --> 01:03:33.717


Right.01:03:34.237 --> 01:03:34.958


And I black out.01:03:35.039 --> 01:03:36.059


Look how quickly you shift.01:03:36.079 --> 01:03:36.981


I was like, you just said never.01:03:37.061 --> 01:03:38.222


That means since you met me?01:03:38.983 --> 01:03:44.009


Because now we're not even getting to even the purpose of what you were even going to say.01:03:44.170 --> 01:03:44.369


Yeah.01:03:44.429 --> 01:03:48.655


The root of it, the meat of it, what you do, we take those little words out of context.01:03:48.755 --> 01:03:50.516


All it takes is a word, a sentence.01:03:50.556 --> 01:03:53.880


You say never and always will always send me somewhere.01:03:54.322 --> 01:04:00.489


And so I had to really, 2024, I was like, why is it so intense?01:04:00.889 --> 01:04:01.088


Yeah.01:04:01.650 --> 01:04:02.891


Because I'm good everywhere else.01:04:02.952 --> 01:04:03.632


I'm a damn coach.01:04:03.652 --> 01:04:05.434


Like, I know these things.01:04:05.454 --> 01:04:07.938


Why this one thing I can't control?01:04:08.137 --> 01:04:10.621


And so I got into therapy just for that alone.01:04:10.641 --> 01:04:13.405


I was like, I need to understand this because I can't control it.01:04:13.445 --> 01:04:14.045


Right.01:04:14.065 --> 01:04:17.710


And I realized the therapist does their job, but I'm a hell of an overthinker.01:04:17.771 --> 01:04:18.791


So I figured it out on my own.01:04:18.931 --> 01:04:19.492


Right.01:04:19.793 --> 01:04:28.172


I realized that as a kid, I had to overdo things to get Mm.01:04:28.476 --> 01:04:29.309


And I also...01:04:30.306 --> 01:04:31.126


Yeah.01:04:31.527 --> 01:04:34.570


Right.01:04:36.010 --> 01:04:37.291


Right.01:05:00.271 --> 01:05:00.692


Right.01:05:00.773 --> 01:05:02.014


No way.01:05:03.355 --> 01:05:06.458


Just yesterday, you said that I was the most amazing person in the world.01:05:06.498 --> 01:05:07.739


And now today I'm the devil.01:05:08.059 --> 01:05:08.679


How does that work?01:05:09.722 --> 01:05:17.369


And I will literally spend time over explaining why I'm not that person to the point where the other person is like, damn, OK, I heard you.01:05:17.409 --> 01:05:17.789


Right.01:05:18.170 --> 01:05:19.331


You still nagging.01:05:19.550 --> 01:05:19.891


Right.01:05:19.931 --> 01:05:21.333


Now you're nagging.01:05:22.054 --> 01:05:22.193


Yeah.01:05:22.514 --> 01:05:23.275


So I had to.01:05:23.414 --> 01:05:25.938


That's something that I have to actively work on, not just.01:05:26.434 --> 01:05:31.418


At work, my boss used that word one time in the middle of a meeting with a bunch of people at the table.01:05:31.438 --> 01:05:32.418


Like, oh, hold up.01:05:32.498 --> 01:05:33.300


Just instant.01:05:33.500 --> 01:05:37.043


I'm like, I've been here 20 years and you talk about I never do my reports right.01:05:37.182 --> 01:05:37.903


Hold on, sir.01:05:38.625 --> 01:05:39.244


Hold on.01:05:39.344 --> 01:05:42.367


I was like, we're not going to do that.01:05:42.467 --> 01:05:45.309


I said, one of our voices is elevated and one isn't.01:05:45.389 --> 01:05:49.793


I'm going to need you to meet me here in front of all these people because we're not going to do01:05:49.813 --> 01:05:49.893


that.01:05:49.934 --> 01:05:51.034


You're going to retract that.01:05:51.996 --> 01:05:52.076


And01:05:52.155 --> 01:05:53.557


I'm the conflict avoider.01:05:53.617 --> 01:05:56.400


So this was not my character to do this out in public.01:05:56.400 --> 01:05:57.240


like that01:05:57.260 --> 01:05:57.742


right01:05:57.822 --> 01:05:59.324


but that trigger rant runs deep01:05:59.565 --> 01:05:59.985


right01:06:01.347 --> 01:06:02.409


I'm sorry I'm sorry01:06:04.371 --> 01:06:24.664


um you are hilarious now um you made me miss my next excuse me sir excuse me sir um the next question now look We've already touched on the wounds, the trauma, the fixer role.01:06:24.704 --> 01:06:34.481


Now it's time to talk about when it ends and all the emotional fallout that comes with it, especially for people who've never been taught how to let go without losing themselves.01:06:34.541 --> 01:06:38.708


So sometimes love doesn't survive the healing.01:06:38.748 --> 01:06:42.797


Sometimes no matter how deep the connection is, the relationship ends.01:06:42.896 --> 01:06:45.661


And that part, we don't talk about that enough.01:06:46.273 --> 01:06:51.541


How do you guide people through breakups, especially the ones where love was present but growth wasn't?01:06:51.782 --> 01:06:55.047


Because pain doesn't just come from toxic relationships.01:06:55.387 --> 01:07:01.577


Sometimes the most painful breakups are the ones where you both meant well but couldn't meet each other where you needed to be.01:07:01.617 --> 01:07:10.592


How do we grieve that and process the end of a relationship without becoming bitter, guarded, or emotionally shut down?01:07:10.632 --> 01:07:14.438


Well, see, so the answer to that is...01:07:15.585 --> 01:07:22.255


It's the same answer to a lot of the other things we discussed is understanding the why.01:07:22.436 --> 01:07:22.715


Right.01:07:22.876 --> 01:07:24.838


And so you peel back the layers.01:07:24.918 --> 01:07:25.139


Right.01:07:25.380 --> 01:07:26.621


There's a difference between.01:07:26.661 --> 01:07:30.347


And I think I might I think I might have to do a live about this today.01:07:30.726 --> 01:07:33.612


There's a difference between moving on and letting go.01:07:33.652 --> 01:07:34.813


There are two different things.01:07:34.913 --> 01:07:35.173


Right.01:07:35.273 --> 01:07:35.594


Right.01:07:35.954 --> 01:07:36.516


Definitely.01:07:36.936 --> 01:07:40.641


And the letting go part is difficult because.01:07:41.186 --> 01:07:46.472


A lot of times we are in relationships that are based on attachment and not alignment.01:07:46.592 --> 01:07:46.914


Right.01:07:47.034 --> 01:07:47.394


Right.01:07:47.675 --> 01:07:48.056


Right.01:07:48.155 --> 01:07:54.003


So when you attach to someone those hooks, it's like a hook when you fish and it has that little barb thing on it.01:07:54.384 --> 01:07:57.429


It's hard to pull it away because you spend so much time attaching.01:07:57.469 --> 01:07:59.771


Sometimes it feels better just to leave it in.01:07:59.811 --> 01:08:01.193


This is why I love what I do.01:08:01.474 --> 01:08:04.740


The healing space is because everything connects, right?01:08:04.760 --> 01:08:04.942


Yeah.01:08:05.141 --> 01:08:09.090


The reason why you attach comes from something from your childhood.01:08:09.150 --> 01:08:12.056


So when you attach to someone, it's deeper than just love.01:08:12.157 --> 01:08:13.900


It's deeper than you just being with them.01:08:14.242 --> 01:08:15.945


It's something that you need.01:08:16.045 --> 01:08:16.284


Right.01:08:16.324 --> 01:08:16.605


Right.01:08:16.905 --> 01:08:20.051


Which means you're going to sacrifice parts of yourself to achieve it.01:08:20.572 --> 01:08:25.099


When you stay with a person long enough and you break up, it's not just you detaching from love.01:08:25.560 --> 01:08:27.342


You're detaching from an attachment.01:08:27.804 --> 01:08:30.046


Oh, you definitely need to do a live.01:08:30.087 --> 01:08:33.393


That's why it hurts so deep, because it's not just you.01:08:33.432 --> 01:08:40.114


It's the little girl to the suffering, because now you're That little girl doesn't get fed to make her feel safe.01:08:40.255 --> 01:08:42.498


And safety isn't always pleasant.01:08:42.578 --> 01:08:45.283


Safety could be abuse, could be safe for her.01:08:45.783 --> 01:08:51.231


She's disconnecting from that, which she believes that she needs in order to feel loved.01:08:51.271 --> 01:08:54.818


That's why it's so hard to let go because attachment.01:08:55.037 --> 01:08:58.764


Because if you just love somebody, but they hurt you, you can detach from them.01:08:58.783 --> 01:09:00.326


You're like, man, I don't want that hurt no more.01:09:00.587 --> 01:09:02.208


But when you have an attachment...01:09:02.721 --> 01:09:03.983


Let's talk about it.01:09:04.083 --> 01:09:05.305


You can't even stop thinking.01:09:05.324 --> 01:09:08.988


You got to call them back to make sure that they're okay and they're the abuser.01:09:09.449 --> 01:09:13.234


You don't even know how to function without it because of the attachment.01:09:13.253 --> 01:09:18.239


That attachment is big and that attachment goes back to whether it's conscious or subconscious.01:09:18.359 --> 01:09:20.141


It's before you even met the person.01:09:20.703 --> 01:09:22.085


It's why you chose them.01:09:22.164 --> 01:09:24.287


It's why you stayed when you know it wasn't good.01:09:24.327 --> 01:09:31.162


And to your point, even if You feel like the relationship was mostly good and there wasn't anything crazy.01:09:31.962 --> 01:09:35.247


A lot of times your attachment style still plays in.01:09:35.527 --> 01:09:35.766


Yeah.01:09:35.827 --> 01:09:36.067


Right.01:09:36.127 --> 01:09:40.072


And so let's say you amicably feel like you both need to part.01:09:40.492 --> 01:09:45.056


Well, maybe your attachment style or whatever it is that made you hook into them.01:09:45.077 --> 01:09:48.720


It wasn't anything crazy or negative.01:09:48.940 --> 01:09:49.360


Right.01:09:49.640 --> 01:09:51.243


But the attachment is still there.01:09:51.283 --> 01:09:51.622


Right.01:09:51.644 --> 01:09:54.046


Because remember, my view is.01:09:54.177 --> 01:09:56.921


of what love is was there before I met you.01:09:56.980 --> 01:10:02.627


So when I meet you and everything is pleasant, my little kid is still happy.01:10:02.929 --> 01:10:03.189


Right.01:10:03.389 --> 01:10:04.250


Pleasant, happy.01:10:04.310 --> 01:10:04.591


Right.01:10:04.690 --> 01:10:04.890


Right.01:10:04.911 --> 01:10:08.055


But that doesn't mean that we are aligned.01:10:08.454 --> 01:10:08.956


Yeah.01:10:09.115 --> 01:10:14.162


You could take two people that are wholly toxic and put them together.01:10:14.221 --> 01:10:15.243


Right.01:10:15.644 --> 01:10:18.127


So when they break up, they'd be like, we had no issues.01:10:18.207 --> 01:10:19.268


We never argued.01:10:19.668 --> 01:10:22.391


But the toxicity, the trauma binded you.01:10:22.412 --> 01:10:23.694


This is how it feels.01:10:23.774 --> 01:10:24.014


Right.01:10:24.194 --> 01:10:30.844


When you are on the phone for the first time, and let's say you have an abandonment history, right?01:10:31.283 --> 01:10:34.789


You get on the phone with this person for three, four hours.01:10:34.890 --> 01:10:36.112


Y'all just going and talking.01:10:36.792 --> 01:10:38.175


You will get off the phone and say,01:10:38.454 --> 01:10:38.614


I01:10:39.256 --> 01:10:40.918


feel like I've known you my whole life.01:10:41.659 --> 01:10:44.224


I think this is the person for me.01:10:44.264 --> 01:10:45.666


Oh my God.01:10:45.706 --> 01:10:49.511


And you don't have any defining information to support your claim.01:10:49.631 --> 01:10:51.314


Nothing at all.01:10:51.333 --> 01:10:54.996


But you needed it so bad that your mind, Made it true.01:10:55.197 --> 01:10:55.837


That's so true.01:10:55.898 --> 01:11:04.659


So when you attach, even in that moment, you know how easy it's going to be for that person to manipulate you without having to even see your face?01:11:04.699 --> 01:11:04.859


That01:11:04.920 --> 01:11:05.461


young Derek.01:11:05.641 --> 01:11:05.903


Yeah.01:11:06.404 --> 01:11:10.533


And so now when you get into a relationship, guess what you're going to do?01:11:10.978 --> 01:11:14.042


everything you have to do to make sure that it don't feel like conflict.01:11:14.283 --> 01:11:15.685


You're going to fix it, right?01:11:15.725 --> 01:11:17.025


Here comes everything back again.01:11:17.046 --> 01:11:17.146


Right.01:11:17.346 --> 01:11:18.588


You're going to try to fix it.01:11:18.609 --> 01:11:21.152


You're going to try to avoid the conflict so it looks like peace.01:11:21.533 --> 01:11:24.436


So if and when the breakup happens, you're going to be like, everything was cool.01:11:24.697 --> 01:11:27.079


No, you worked your butt off to make it look like that.01:11:27.320 --> 01:11:27.780


Right.01:11:27.902 --> 01:11:34.371


And so now when you detach, even though you thought it was good, you're still going to feel like the same person that dealt with verbal abuse.01:11:34.791 --> 01:11:40.414


You're going to still go through the same trauma because it was a fake trauma Peace.01:11:41.398 --> 01:11:43.363


You were never at peace internally.01:11:43.563 --> 01:11:43.863


Right.01:11:43.904 --> 01:11:47.072


So when you break up, there's a part of you that needed it too.01:11:47.292 --> 01:11:49.278


Man, I love your mind.01:11:49.537 --> 01:11:52.164


Listening to all of this, it's so heavy.01:11:52.185 --> 01:11:52.225


It01:11:52.244 --> 01:11:52.886


is.01:11:53.228 --> 01:11:55.554


Because love isn't just emotional.01:11:55.634 --> 01:11:56.697


It's deeply mental.01:11:56.796 --> 01:11:57.118


It is.01:11:57.409 --> 01:11:58.091


It is.01:11:58.551 --> 01:11:59.252


It truly is.01:11:59.273 --> 01:12:10.329


And I want to take a moment here and talk about that mental health side of all this, the breakups, the trauma, the responsibility, the emotional labor of healing in real time with another person.01:12:10.350 --> 01:12:11.952


That stuff takes a toll.01:12:12.353 --> 01:12:28.784


But in your work, how often do you see mental health show up as that silent factor in relationship struggles, not just diagnosed issues, but those suppressed emotions, the burnout, resentment, anxiety, the anxiety Abandonment wounds, all of it.01:12:28.824 --> 01:12:33.913


Do you find that people even realize how much their mental health is affecting the way they show up in love?01:12:33.953 --> 01:12:34.734


They do not.01:12:35.395 --> 01:12:36.137


And here's why.01:12:36.177 --> 01:12:45.333


The reason why you don't realize it is because you have taken your struggle, you have taken your trauma and you have in a human way.01:12:45.921 --> 01:12:50.166


normalized it enough for you to function in the world and not feel it outwardly.01:12:50.787 --> 01:12:51.046


Right.01:12:51.266 --> 01:12:57.274


And even if you do, you have coping mechanisms like liquor or something else to numb the pain, go to a bar on Friday.01:12:57.333 --> 01:12:59.176


And they're like, I'm just here to take the edge off.01:12:59.195 --> 01:13:00.237


It's been a hell of a week.01:13:00.317 --> 01:13:00.636


Right.01:13:00.796 --> 01:13:02.139


Every week is a hell of a week.01:13:02.179 --> 01:13:04.341


That means you've got something you've got to work on, bro.01:13:04.381 --> 01:13:07.003


Like man, every week is the worst week you ever had.01:13:07.064 --> 01:13:08.324


And you got to drink this bottle.01:13:08.444 --> 01:13:08.826


Man,01:13:08.905 --> 01:13:10.447


something ain't right in your weeks.01:13:10.646 --> 01:13:11.127


Right.01:13:11.528 --> 01:13:11.908


Right.01:13:12.009 --> 01:13:12.288


Right.01:13:12.569 --> 01:13:20.288


But we, Like I told you earlier, because we wake up and do the schedule, we don't have to tackle the trauma because I'm getting a paycheck every two weeks.01:13:20.368 --> 01:13:21.210


I'm a great parent.01:13:21.229 --> 01:13:28.921


So let me, and you may not be as great a parent as you think you are because I coach those kids when they turn 50 and I'm like, yeah, something wasn't right.01:13:29.302 --> 01:13:29.542


Right.01:13:29.603 --> 01:13:40.340


And so most people don't identify with their trauma or the issues or the mental health aspect of it because they have to still get up every morning and deal with life and push through.01:13:40.380 --> 01:13:40.621


That's01:13:40.680 --> 01:13:41.140


enough.01:13:41.421 --> 01:13:41.502


Yeah.01:13:41.921 --> 01:13:45.372


going to tackle it will disrupt your functionality, right?01:13:45.391 --> 01:13:56.225


And so if I can create a life that functions and I'm surviving, just surviving is enough for people to not want to go back and look at how they can make it better because it can01:13:56.506 --> 01:13:56.685


stop.01:13:56.926 --> 01:14:05.561


Some people feel like they don't even have the luxury of even stopping to check on their mental or focus on that because they're too busy surviving.01:14:05.582 --> 01:14:06.823


They ain't got time for that.01:14:06.844 --> 01:14:08.908


They're built to do this, do that.01:14:08.948 --> 01:14:11.752


And they won't even check in with themselves.01:14:11.893 --> 01:14:11.993


Nope.01:14:12.234 --> 01:14:12.413


Nope.01:14:12.474 --> 01:14:15.399


They can't because most of America is living check to check.01:14:15.520 --> 01:14:15.840


Right.01:14:15.859 --> 01:14:16.822


You can't afford to stop.01:14:17.345 --> 01:14:18.868


You got to work two, three jobs.01:14:19.148 --> 01:14:20.970


You got to make sure your kids have what they want.01:14:21.331 --> 01:14:24.676


You got to make sure if you're married, your spouse is getting what they need.01:14:24.775 --> 01:14:27.059


Something's going to fall by the wayside and it's normally you.01:14:27.078 --> 01:14:31.564


I would tell myself, you know, something got to give, but it's not going to be me.01:14:32.024 --> 01:14:34.587


Something is going to break, but it's not going to be me.01:14:34.609 --> 01:14:41.427


Because you can't put yourself at the top of the list because then everything else you feel in your mind I can't make time for myself because everything else will fall.01:14:42.048 --> 01:14:44.711


Most people I coach, I'm in that number two.01:14:44.850 --> 01:14:49.454


You put yourself last because you have so much dependent on you that you forget about you.01:14:49.494 --> 01:14:51.577


You don't take care of yourself the way you need to.01:14:51.877 --> 01:14:53.538


You might not even be showering every day.01:14:53.899 --> 01:14:58.483


You've got to figure out how you're going to wake up every morning and smile and give your kids an example.01:14:58.523 --> 01:15:06.270


You've got to smile and make sure your boss is happy at work and then you come home and all you've got left is the ability to pass out and go to sleep and wake up and do it again.01:15:06.390 --> 01:15:07.791


I call it the piece of the pie.01:15:07.850 --> 01:15:37.802


Each day, you've got to pie you have to divvy it up some days this person gonna get this big a slice some days tomorrow it might be a smaller slice either way it go you gotta pick and choose you know where you portion those slices those pieces of you out parcel them out as you say and at the end of the day there's nothing left but crumbs left in that pan and that's for you you have to set a piece of the pie and put it up like Thanksgiving before you even fix your plate fix your to-go plate and put it away01:15:37.842 --> 01:15:49.177


because what happens is that when you are living in this survival cycle and you're putting yourself last, it's like you don't even care about the piece of the pie anymore.01:15:49.238 --> 01:15:59.152


You're serving so many other things and so When people get coached by me, we work very heavily on self-awareness, but we also work really heavily on boundaries, right?01:15:59.432 --> 01:16:05.198


Because a lot of times the reason why we're in survival mode is because we don't tell certain people no, like our parents, right?01:16:05.217 --> 01:16:08.921


We feel like we got to jump when they want us to jump and we got to jump to go through this.01:16:08.980 --> 01:16:10.902


And we can't say, no, I can't do that today.01:16:11.002 --> 01:16:12.283


It's like a part of your system.01:16:12.783 --> 01:16:14.645


But if you say no on Monday, right?01:16:14.786 --> 01:16:16.466


I tell them to take it in small chunks.01:16:16.828 --> 01:16:17.908


You say no on Monday.01:16:18.009 --> 01:16:20.451


Now you have time to take care of yourself for two, three hours.01:16:20.711 --> 01:16:21.872


You didn't go run or do this.01:16:21.872 --> 01:16:29.439


this thing and what you find in practice and you know this when you tell people no they feel like they're dependent on you the thing that they want it still gets done01:16:29.640 --> 01:16:41.372


right people find a way yeah because if I wasn't able to do it you gonna go find somebody else or find another way to go get it done if I wasn't here if I died tomorrow exactly you gonna find a way to get it done01:16:41.613 --> 01:16:52.524


so we put that on ourselves and we create a world where we feel like we can't breathe but there is space if you parse out your 24 hours there's space there right you just don't believe lead there is.01:16:53.145 --> 01:16:59.175


For you personally, Derek, you're doing this work every day, holding space for other people's pain.01:16:59.475 --> 01:17:04.122


How do you manage your own mental and emotional health while doing this work?01:17:04.182 --> 01:17:09.930


Because I know firsthand healing other people while you're still healing yourself is no small thing.01:17:09.951 --> 01:17:19.185


And even if you feel you are in a good space mentally and or are healed or healing, transference of all of this heaviness is really possible.01:17:19.305 --> 01:17:25.265


So What practices, boundaries, or rituals keep you grounded and protected from others' pain?01:17:25.286 --> 01:17:25.365


Okay,01:17:26.386 --> 01:17:27.268


this is a good question.01:17:27.628 --> 01:17:32.494


And I've mostly solved this issue and I'll tell you how, what it is, right?01:17:32.576 --> 01:17:38.823


So when I started coaching, even in the relationship side, you still are absorbing people's pains, right?01:17:39.444 --> 01:17:41.207


And being an empath, right?01:17:41.828 --> 01:17:57.756


So now what I realized in coaching the way Traditionally, you know, you would charge for our one on one session and I was doing these one on ones and I realized that I wasn't always OK after the session.01:17:58.677 --> 01:17:58.779


Right.01:17:58.859 --> 01:18:05.146


Because in this makeup of who I am, how many of these one on ones could I take in a week and still be OK?01:18:05.306 --> 01:18:05.506


Right.01:18:06.028 --> 01:18:10.314


And let's say your business starts to grow and you had to take on more clients.01:18:10.818 --> 01:18:16.564


How could I as a human take on all of it and still be OK being an empath and absorbing their stuff?01:18:16.965 --> 01:18:30.720


And the way that I help people because of all of my stuff that I've been through and all of my trauma, I have to take myself back to my own in order for them to trust me that I know about theirs.01:18:31.100 --> 01:18:33.502


So I have to relive this in real time.01:18:33.523 --> 01:18:38.268


Remember what the pain felt like and then get off the phone and have to take time.01:18:39.048 --> 01:18:44.345


When I go live, I have to take an hour after I finish my lives because I'm talking about myself.01:18:44.627 --> 01:18:47.210


They don't notice all the time, but I'm talking about myself.01:18:47.270 --> 01:18:50.573


When I talk about survival mode, I'm reliving it in real time.01:18:50.613 --> 01:19:00.423


So what I realized about myself, number one, I have to recharge myself and disconnect and really kind of get myself back to center.01:19:00.564 --> 01:19:02.104


Actors have to do this too, right?01:19:02.265 --> 01:19:03.506


When they get into a role.01:19:04.087 --> 01:19:10.095


But furthermore, I realized that taking in people's traumas in the way that I was on the phone.01:19:10.136 --> 01:19:14.841


Because, you know, when people get you on the phone, they throw up all of their stuff on you.01:19:15.073 --> 01:19:16.154


They don't have a filter.01:19:16.175 --> 01:19:19.198


It's like a goulash of just everything.01:19:19.478 --> 01:19:23.902


Yeah, because for a lot of people, this is the first time that they have a nonjudgmental ear, right?01:19:24.023 --> 01:19:25.724


So they want to give you all of it, right?01:19:26.043 --> 01:19:27.104


They don't care about the hour.01:19:27.145 --> 01:19:28.206


They want to just keep going.01:19:28.527 --> 01:19:32.310


And then as an empath, you want to keep going too because you have an innate need to help them.01:19:32.329 --> 01:19:34.171


And you're like, wait, I'm going an hour and a half.01:19:34.252 --> 01:19:34.752


It's two hours.01:19:34.813 --> 01:19:36.533


Wait, wait, we got to get off the phone.01:19:36.715 --> 01:19:43.180


So what I realized, number one, I can't keep doing these one-on-ones without me kind of suffering from it.01:19:43.240 --> 01:19:46.595


So what I did was Here comes the analyst, right?01:19:46.655 --> 01:19:47.237


Thanks, mom.01:19:48.057 --> 01:19:48.779


Shout out, mom.01:19:49.099 --> 01:19:49.439


Mama.01:19:49.779 --> 01:19:58.770


I said to myself, if I catalog what I have to tell people to help them and compartmentalize them into categories, right?01:19:58.869 --> 01:20:04.076


Because in this human existence, it's not so but so many ways you're going to be hurt.01:20:04.095 --> 01:20:04.176


Yeah.01:20:04.296 --> 01:20:10.451


So I'm going to categorize what's the most popular things that most people need to in this space.01:20:11.091 --> 01:20:19.384


And I, what I did was I created workshops, live workshops where I would talk to many about a topic instead of one.01:20:20.284 --> 01:20:25.212


I record that workshop and then it lives on my website forever as a per purchase.01:20:25.532 --> 01:20:30.219


So now when you come to me and say, Hey, I'm having a problem with a breakup.01:20:30.559 --> 01:20:33.162


I'm going to send you to how to recover from a breakup workshop.01:20:33.483 --> 01:20:36.507


Now I don't have to talk to you one-on-one and absorb your pain.01:20:36.568 --> 01:20:38.010


You're going to go do self-study.01:20:38.274 --> 01:20:49.798


And then when you have a question, I can now answer your separate little question on the side, but I'm not taking in the brunt because the video is going to step you through all of the stuff where you would have thrown up on me.01:20:49.878 --> 01:20:51.921


You can be like, oh, my God, I got the answer.01:20:52.462 --> 01:20:56.006


So now when they come back, here's the beautiful thing about this thing that I created.01:20:56.087 --> 01:20:56.268


Right.01:20:56.488 --> 01:21:01.715


So now I have a library of prerecorded workshops that speak to most issues.01:21:02.275 --> 01:21:02.615


Right.01:21:02.636 --> 01:21:04.378


And so here's the genius in the design.01:21:04.439 --> 01:21:07.682


It wasn't planned this way, but this is the genius in the design.01:21:07.783 --> 01:21:11.988


I have a three tiered approach to helping people heal.01:21:12.288 --> 01:21:16.333


So imagine like a pyramid that's sectioned into three pieces, right?01:21:16.373 --> 01:21:18.117


The top part is your complaint.01:21:18.176 --> 01:21:20.460


This is where you throw up about the stuff you've been through.01:21:20.579 --> 01:21:21.701


Oh my God, the narcissist.01:21:21.841 --> 01:21:22.582


Oh my God, I'm hurt.01:21:22.622 --> 01:21:24.224


Can you please help me, right?01:21:24.243 --> 01:21:29.851


The middle tier are the negative experiences that you experience that create the top layer.01:21:30.152 --> 01:21:35.698


The bottom layer, the biggest foundational layer is all the stuff that you never worked on, right?01:21:35.998 --> 01:21:41.604


So then you dare step yourself back up The stuff you didn't work on helps create the negative experiences.01:21:41.663 --> 01:21:44.569


The negative experiences create your complaints, right?01:21:44.689 --> 01:21:45.050


Right.01:21:45.350 --> 01:21:47.354


Notice the math in this, right?01:21:47.394 --> 01:21:48.296


It's all about math.01:21:48.416 --> 01:21:48.796


Right.01:21:48.837 --> 01:21:57.712


So now if I eliminate you complaining in my ear for an hour and I say, give me the gist of what you think you need to work on.01:21:57.792 --> 01:21:57.993


Right.01:21:58.073 --> 01:21:58.774


Okay, cool.01:21:59.154 --> 01:22:00.677


That fits in a certain category.01:22:00.930 --> 01:22:06.636


We're going to skip talking about your experiences and we're going to start talking about your childhood wounds at the bottom.01:22:06.837 --> 01:22:08.498


We're going to work on building you up.01:22:08.639 --> 01:22:08.979


Yeah.01:22:09.158 --> 01:22:10.360


Let's get to the foundation.01:22:10.400 --> 01:22:11.021


Right.01:22:11.042 --> 01:22:11.341


We're going01:22:11.402 --> 01:22:12.483


to build up your healing.01:22:12.502 --> 01:22:14.204


We're going to build up your healthy boundaries.01:22:14.225 --> 01:22:15.907


We're going to make you a better person.01:22:16.287 --> 01:22:18.729


And then the middle tier starts to change.01:22:18.770 --> 01:22:19.551


Exactly.01:22:19.650 --> 01:22:24.396


Now you start to have more positive experiences because you're not sitting in places you shouldn't be in.01:22:24.796 --> 01:22:27.020


And guess what happens to the complaints at the top?01:22:27.460 --> 01:22:28.220


They disappear.01:22:28.341 --> 01:22:28.702


Right.01:22:29.025 --> 01:22:29.527


Right.01:22:29.546 --> 01:22:30.628


I love that.01:22:30.668 --> 01:22:30.929


So01:22:30.988 --> 01:22:32.912


you're not going to waste my time on the phone.01:22:32.932 --> 01:22:34.175


Are you going to be mad at me?01:22:34.255 --> 01:22:37.380


I just want to tell you that my boyfriend, I don't need to know the details.01:22:37.420 --> 01:22:40.305


Yeah, we're going to get to the bottom of it and you're going to figure it.01:22:40.345 --> 01:22:41.967


Here's the other genius part of it.01:22:42.868 --> 01:22:46.314


I don't have to absorb it, which means I'm OK to help more people.01:22:46.354 --> 01:22:46.796


Right.01:22:46.876 --> 01:22:48.057


It's very scalable.01:22:48.259 --> 01:22:51.725


I can take a thousand people tomorrow with my system and not feel it.01:22:51.784 --> 01:22:52.104


Right.01:22:52.244 --> 01:22:52.485


Right.01:22:52.738 --> 01:22:55.662


Number two, I don't do the work for you.01:22:55.742 --> 01:22:56.101


Right.01:22:56.122 --> 01:22:57.404


You have all the material.01:22:57.444 --> 01:23:02.850


You have me talking to you through video that you can go back and replay six months from now if you need a refresher.01:23:02.930 --> 01:23:03.230


Yeah.01:23:03.270 --> 01:23:04.872


So you are driving the car.01:23:04.893 --> 01:23:08.136


I'm just the guardrails to make sure you don't get off path.01:23:08.317 --> 01:23:14.144


Now, if you are not convicted in your healing journey and you stop, I don't you got to come to me.01:23:14.163 --> 01:23:15.886


I'm not going to come find you.01:23:16.065 --> 01:23:18.609


So some people don't take a couple and they dive off.01:23:18.628 --> 01:23:19.310


They're not ready.01:23:19.470 --> 01:23:20.090


But guess what?01:23:20.130 --> 01:23:23.234


They can always come back when they feel like it, when they feel like they're ready.01:23:23.613 --> 01:23:25.055


I coach the coachable, right?01:23:25.155 --> 01:23:25.376


Right.01:23:25.435 --> 01:23:25.917


The ready.01:23:25.997 --> 01:23:28.979


So while you're going through self pacing, it's your pace.01:23:29.359 --> 01:23:30.561


You have all the materials.01:23:30.622 --> 01:23:31.363


You need to call me.01:23:31.403 --> 01:23:32.644


Hey, coach, where do I go next?01:23:32.724 --> 01:23:32.984


Cool.01:23:33.345 --> 01:23:35.567


Hey, coach, I took this workshop and I have a question.01:23:35.646 --> 01:23:35.908


Cool.01:23:35.967 --> 01:23:40.972


I'm taking little increments of you instead of the big thing that's going to make me pass out.01:23:41.052 --> 01:23:41.673


And I can't.01:23:42.033 --> 01:23:42.654


Exactly.01:23:43.034 --> 01:23:44.457


It's the gift that keeps on giving.01:23:44.497 --> 01:23:45.257


So now.01:23:45.569 --> 01:23:47.261


My system works when I'm sleeping.01:23:47.845 --> 01:23:49.557


Yeah, I still get to be an empath.01:23:49.618 --> 01:23:52.003


I still get to be This is my sister.01:23:52.043 --> 01:23:54.787


A lot of people, when they come in, they're like, I don't want to do it that way.01:23:54.828 --> 01:23:56.029


I just want to get on the phone with you.01:23:56.090 --> 01:23:57.572


And I'm like, that's not how this operates.01:23:57.631 --> 01:23:57.832


Right.01:23:57.872 --> 01:23:59.694


Because that goes back to that abandonment.01:23:59.735 --> 01:24:01.358


You just want somebody to talk to.01:24:01.457 --> 01:24:03.341


Are you really interested in your healing?01:24:03.440 --> 01:24:03.600


So01:24:03.761 --> 01:24:08.148


if you are not convicted enough to watch one video, you don't deserve to get on the phone with me.01:24:08.248 --> 01:24:08.569


I know.01:24:08.588 --> 01:24:08.970


That's right.01:24:08.989 --> 01:24:10.192


That's how I filter people.01:24:10.471 --> 01:24:10.972


That's right.01:24:11.012 --> 01:24:12.515


Some people you need to get on the phone.01:24:12.675 --> 01:24:22.101


This stuff is a little nuanced, but 99 percent of people who are come to my system and they go through it and I offer myself to you.01:24:22.462 --> 01:24:25.525


If you are under my covering, you can come to me for questions.01:24:25.725 --> 01:24:26.907


Yeah, right.01:24:27.207 --> 01:24:30.390


Because you can't help them if they're not willing to help themselves.01:24:30.409 --> 01:24:30.630


Right.01:24:31.190 --> 01:24:33.934


One out of 10 comes back to ask for questions.01:24:34.054 --> 01:24:34.314


Why?01:24:34.354 --> 01:24:38.597


Because the other nine, my stuff is so intuitive that they don't need it.01:24:38.877 --> 01:24:44.023


10 people who want to go through the whole process, one of them will come back and say, I got a question.01:24:44.063 --> 01:24:44.724


I got a question.01:24:44.743 --> 01:24:47.086


The rest of them is like, I'm good.01:24:47.457 --> 01:24:49.840


And I'm like, wait, I thought I'm available for quick.01:24:49.939 --> 01:24:51.261


And they don't they don't come back.01:24:51.480 --> 01:24:51.742


Right.01:24:51.761 --> 01:24:53.542


They work on themselves and they get it done.01:24:53.884 --> 01:24:54.283


Yeah.01:24:54.804 --> 01:25:00.009


I love how not only what you're doing helps you, but it helps you help them.01:25:00.208 --> 01:25:00.429


Yeah.01:25:00.509 --> 01:25:07.034


And then not only does that keep you protected mentally, emotionally, spiritually, it keeps you from from wasting your time.01:25:07.135 --> 01:25:08.735


Let's just call a spade a spade.01:25:08.837 --> 01:25:09.037


Yeah.01:25:09.056 --> 01:25:13.260


Because you can want healing, but you have to understand that that's you.01:25:13.421 --> 01:25:14.541


You have to do the work.01:25:14.582 --> 01:25:15.582


There's no coach.01:25:15.641 --> 01:25:16.984


There's no therapist.01:25:17.064 --> 01:25:17.423


There's no.01:25:17.423 --> 01:25:22.369


workshop that you can go to that's going to do the work for you.01:25:22.650 --> 01:25:28.377


And that self-reflection is what people avoid because it's dark and it's ugly and it's angry.01:25:28.417 --> 01:25:34.246


And there's a little kid, like you said, that little kid in there that's in there having a nanny 911 temper tantrum.01:25:34.386 --> 01:25:34.626


Yeah.01:25:34.645 --> 01:25:35.487


And you don't want to deal01:25:35.527 --> 01:25:35.847


with that.01:25:35.908 --> 01:25:36.569


Exactly.01:25:36.588 --> 01:25:37.869


And some have tried.01:25:37.949 --> 01:25:39.631


And I'm like, did you take the workshop?01:25:39.712 --> 01:25:39.912


No.01:25:40.012 --> 01:25:40.833


OK, then we're not.01:25:41.314 --> 01:25:44.458


You got to do you got to get the primer before you get the main thing.01:25:44.838 --> 01:25:47.101


But here's the last unintended side effect.01:25:47.362 --> 01:25:53.430


of my system, which was born out of my frustration of taking in so much trauma and not being able to handle it.01:25:54.069 --> 01:26:16.318


The last side effect in this thing that I call a genius system is when you are getting such intuitive information and a lot of the work you're doing on your own, even though you have my voice on video and you have my voice when you come to my lives, which are, you know, free or whatever, or you come to my YouTube and you get all of that information, you are doing the work, right?01:26:16.770 --> 01:26:31.685


When you then get to a point where you are ready to graduate, so to speak, and really be able to kind of like float with your own wings, you realize that you have not built a dependency on me because you look back and you realize that you did most of the work.01:26:31.845 --> 01:26:35.029


Even if I gave you some assistance, maybe I guardrailed you a little bit.01:26:35.550 --> 01:26:36.190


You did it.01:26:36.211 --> 01:26:39.474


You know how little kids feel when they do the project and they're like, I did it.01:26:39.533 --> 01:26:40.015


I did it.01:26:40.576 --> 01:26:45.740


You get to really look at your healing journey and say, thank you, coach, but I'm good.01:26:45.881 --> 01:26:46.622


Yeah.01:26:46.786 --> 01:26:48.648


Like, I don't need to keep calling you.01:26:48.809 --> 01:26:53.875


And people who are used to sessions will get addicted to the sessions and they feel like they got to keep.01:26:54.336 --> 01:26:55.337


I don't have those people.01:26:55.877 --> 01:26:59.722


They've done the work themselves with my me being like the little person on the shoulder.01:27:00.063 --> 01:27:00.162


Right.01:27:00.203 --> 01:27:03.046


Everybody who's been coached by me when I released them.01:27:03.106 --> 01:27:03.306


Right.01:27:04.087 --> 01:27:07.353


They'll come back and say I was outside and I was about to make a move.01:27:07.372 --> 01:27:11.417


But then I heard your voice because they were listening to the video and the voice is saying, don't do it.01:27:11.681 --> 01:27:12.823


You know, that's your inner child.01:27:12.922 --> 01:27:13.264


Right.01:27:13.283 --> 01:27:15.046


They literally all of a sudden say they hear my voice.01:27:15.065 --> 01:27:18.529


And I'm like, if that's what makes you make the right decision, then so be it.01:27:18.729 --> 01:27:19.310


Keep listening.01:27:19.752 --> 01:27:28.841


Most people in the workshops, they have not watched them less than five times a piece because you learn new things and you go back and listen to it again with different ears.01:27:29.182 --> 01:27:30.925


And you're like, oh, my God, I learned something new.01:27:31.404 --> 01:27:33.568


You can't do that with a one on one session on the phone.01:27:33.728 --> 01:27:35.010


That makes so much sense.01:27:35.362 --> 01:27:38.765


I want to take it back to where this movement came from.01:27:38.805 --> 01:27:41.988


What made you say this is the work I need to be doing?01:27:42.007 --> 01:27:44.590


Because you're not just talking about relationships.01:27:44.609 --> 01:27:53.297


You're helping people relearn themselves, helping them confront the things they've been carrying and find language for it, helping them feel seen, feel heard.01:27:53.518 --> 01:28:02.005


So you spoke on it briefly about why sit down and heal and what that phrase meant to you literally just within your own healing.01:28:02.265 --> 01:28:07.170


But what are you inviting people into when they land on your page or reach out to work with you?01:28:07.569 --> 01:28:10.713


So here is the part that people don't see coming.01:28:11.134 --> 01:28:16.380


I created this from a community mindset, not an individual mindset, right?01:28:16.780 --> 01:28:18.523


So let me explain to you what that means.01:28:19.663 --> 01:28:41.610


If you care about the Black community, if you champion love, if you champion relationship, if you champion even people having better relationships, even in friendships or familial relationships, right, then you have to Not just look at relationships as the connecting of people, but relationships as in relationship with yourself.01:28:41.791 --> 01:28:42.112


Right.01:28:42.332 --> 01:28:51.364


The only way for you to grow a relationship with yourself, especially in a world where most of us have some type of wounding or trauma, is to face that first.01:28:51.706 --> 01:28:52.006


Right.01:28:52.606 --> 01:29:02.060


If you face that first and you get with some assistance, in this case coaching, and you are able to start your healing journey and push through it.01:29:02.240 --> 01:29:02.521


Right.01:29:03.010 --> 01:29:08.100


then you then become the model for the people in the environment around you.01:29:08.542 --> 01:29:11.507


So you're going to catch some strays that see you different.01:29:11.547 --> 01:29:19.323


And some of them will be empowered to want to do it themselves, even if it's not for me, which means now you have now inspired another.01:29:19.805 --> 01:29:20.646


It could be your kids.01:29:21.488 --> 01:29:23.934


And I always tell people you healing.01:29:24.578 --> 01:29:27.212


It's modeled for your kids, even if your kids are 30.01:29:27.231 --> 01:29:27.554


It is.01:29:27.774 --> 01:29:32.177


Even if they're 30 years old, they get to see a mom or a dad that is working on themselves, right?01:29:32.399 --> 01:29:32.921


Right.01:29:33.377 --> 01:29:36.501


And people don't realize kids are always watching.01:29:36.581 --> 01:29:44.869


Even if they're not just intently watching and focused on you, they're downloading constantly information from their environment, from what they see.01:29:44.890 --> 01:29:58.083


I have a 25 year old who come back and tell me about her experience with me as her mother and her childhood and how that's affecting her or what's that even led to in her young adult life.01:29:58.444 --> 01:30:00.025


And she's learning about that.01:30:00.225 --> 01:30:21.847


So the community approach kind of looks like when you heal, when you're01:30:22.429 --> 01:30:28.886


healing, you're I hate using it.01:30:28.907 --> 01:30:32.552


Healed sounds great in a sentence, but it's really not an end point.01:30:32.613 --> 01:30:32.932


Yeah.01:30:32.993 --> 01:30:39.884


So if you are healing, you not only change internally, you change energetically, right?01:30:40.345 --> 01:30:41.265


You move different.01:30:41.286 --> 01:30:42.328


You see the world different.01:30:42.368 --> 01:30:44.771


You approach people and things different around you.01:30:45.372 --> 01:30:51.041


If you inspire change in, let's say, your household, Your household is one house on the block.01:30:51.261 --> 01:30:54.527


But when you are outside, that is now your environment.01:30:54.567 --> 01:30:56.750


You may inspire the next home, right?01:30:56.890 --> 01:31:05.283


When that growth spreads exponentially, now you're looking at change by community and not just by individual, right?01:31:05.685 --> 01:31:10.813


So when I am helping people heal, it's not just about you, right?01:31:10.832 --> 01:31:13.478


And just a small little 60 second example.01:31:13.793 --> 01:31:20.021


I have a workshop called Shadow Work Workshop, which is basically the subconscious working and figuring out the inner child.01:31:20.061 --> 01:31:20.282


Right.01:31:20.442 --> 01:31:20.842


OK.01:31:21.082 --> 01:31:26.710


I have people who have taken this workshop, which is one of the most powerful ones I have because it digs so deep.01:31:27.411 --> 01:31:28.872


People have taken this workshop.01:31:29.313 --> 01:31:31.456


They have identified their childhood wounds.01:31:31.997 --> 01:31:39.466


And it also gives examples of how what you do, what your parent has done to affect you in a way and what it could extrapolate out to.01:31:39.873 --> 01:31:46.832


people have taken this workshop and literally had like their mouth open like, wait, I'm doing that right now to my kid.01:31:47.173 --> 01:31:48.277


Right, right.01:31:48.317 --> 01:31:48.537


Like,01:31:48.698 --> 01:31:50.783


whoa, wait, I got to change something.01:31:50.884 --> 01:31:51.324


Right.01:31:51.444 --> 01:32:00.094


Just in your search to heal yourself, You are now poised to now change the trajectory of your kid right now.01:32:00.413 --> 01:32:04.699


And that is powerful because then there becomes the community mindset.01:32:05.360 --> 01:32:07.283


Exactly, exactly.01:32:07.323 --> 01:32:09.067


And this is how we change.01:32:09.106 --> 01:32:10.649


This is how we change community.01:32:10.729 --> 01:32:19.181


And when we talk about love, Black love, like we are in this particular conversation and just in general, you cannot, it's not just romantic love.01:32:19.202 --> 01:32:22.046


You cannot not talk about the community, right?01:32:22.305 --> 01:32:26.350


the love of community and how that in turn shifts.01:32:26.471 --> 01:32:30.197


Because once the community changes, that changes the environment.01:32:30.237 --> 01:32:37.345


You see, when you walk outside the door where you're not just in that bubble of just your house on your block.01:32:37.525 --> 01:32:43.213


So that's a beautiful thing and something that that we need more of, too, in our black community.01:32:43.394 --> 01:32:51.505


Yeah, because this is what you hear from most people who are dealing with a lot of things in life with relationships or whatever else or abuse or whatever.01:32:51.564 --> 01:32:56.457


And you'll say, But why do you think that you pick like this or why do you think that you behave like this?01:32:56.537 --> 01:32:59.261


And most of them will say, because I never saw it.01:32:59.402 --> 01:32:59.703


Right.01:32:59.863 --> 01:33:00.103


Right.01:33:00.122 --> 01:33:01.244


So if you never saw it.01:33:01.284 --> 01:33:01.466


Right.01:33:01.506 --> 01:33:04.511


If this is the sentiment of most people, I never had an example.01:33:04.952 --> 01:33:07.957


Then part of the solution is creating the examples.01:33:08.037 --> 01:33:08.837


Right.01:33:08.858 --> 01:33:15.649


So I'm a firm believer in not believing the statistic, but becoming the reason why the statistic isn't true.01:33:15.873 --> 01:33:16.515


Right.01:33:16.914 --> 01:33:17.494


I love that.01:33:17.534 --> 01:33:18.756


That's what I live by.01:33:18.896 --> 01:33:22.899


So people are like, I would never get married because everybody's getting divorced.01:33:22.920 --> 01:33:26.944


And I'm like, if you really believe in love, be the reason why the statistic isn't true.01:33:27.104 --> 01:33:27.543


Exactly.01:33:27.564 --> 01:33:27.743


Because01:33:27.804 --> 01:33:30.306


you control what you choose and not choose.01:33:30.606 --> 01:33:34.810


The difference is what lens are you looking at when you're looking through when you're making a choice.01:33:34.970 --> 01:33:37.932


That's what I work on is changing that lens from red to clear.01:33:38.073 --> 01:33:39.014


Perspective.01:33:39.073 --> 01:33:39.774


That's so funny.01:33:39.835 --> 01:33:45.840


I just had that conversation about viewfinders, just opening up your phone and taking a picture of the app.01:33:45.840 --> 01:33:46.860


Yeah.01:33:46.900 --> 01:33:47.622


Yeah.01:34:11.681 --> 01:34:22.253


How you looked at love allowed you to be in the 16 year marriage with your wife right now because you changed your perspective and you didn't grow.01:34:22.274 --> 01:34:24.520


You changed your mindset.01:34:24.902 --> 01:34:26.365


Change changes everything.01:34:26.529 --> 01:34:40.962


that's a conversation because now you're going into neural pathways and people hate change and don't know why they hate change but you know your brain is actively working against that change because it hates change it loves routine that wrote you talk about that survival mode01:34:41.023 --> 01:34:57.078


yes but here's one point I want to make I did a lot of healing work before the marriage but most of my healing happened during the marriage because this is where you get battle tested this is where you're going to come and get triggers that you never knew were there and the result Yeah.01:34:57.118 --> 01:34:59.145


Yeah.01:35:07.746 --> 01:35:17.722


go get out of it and how you resolve it is going to allow you to, whether you're going to be long lasting or not, whether you're willing to adapt to changes in all of these things.01:35:18.163 --> 01:35:20.328


Most of my healing happened after the marriage.01:35:20.667 --> 01:35:25.556


It was having a partner that understood that both have to understand that change is coming.01:35:25.837 --> 01:35:32.349


And then when you go through this stuff, what foundationally do you have to go back to when things are not well?01:35:32.408 --> 01:35:36.586


And that's why when you meet someone, you're not looking for attachment.01:35:36.605 --> 01:35:38.148


You're looking for alignment.01:35:38.189 --> 01:35:38.708


Yeah.01:35:38.729 --> 01:35:40.431


Does it align with your core values?01:35:40.471 --> 01:35:41.773


The whole equally yoked thing.01:35:41.814 --> 01:35:45.078


Like you've got to make that a big vetting process.01:35:45.238 --> 01:35:53.009


And that then becomes a foundation that you then build off of when you do get that trigger and it hurts and you don't know how to talk about it.01:35:53.029 --> 01:35:53.409


Right.01:35:53.470 --> 01:35:57.756


How do you get to the point where you're sitting down having a conversation with your partner and say, you know what?01:35:58.235 --> 01:36:05.391


I didn't like when you, you know how hard it is to tell them that you've got even men to tell them that something hurt in a conflict.01:36:05.912 --> 01:36:12.578


For me to be able to do that now or her to be able to do that now, now we're at a point where we understand the nuances of each other.01:36:12.597 --> 01:36:16.582


Even just simple thing of, like, let's say you're an introvert and you need recharge time.01:36:16.662 --> 01:36:20.444


Well, if somebody doesn't understand that about you, it could hurt someone with abandonment issues.01:36:21.185 --> 01:36:22.226


Yeah, definitely.01:36:22.266 --> 01:36:23.927


Now they're transferring that.01:36:23.967 --> 01:36:31.854


Not understanding your need or just what it is that you need in that moment because now they're focused on just their needs.01:36:31.895 --> 01:36:42.349


They don't understand how Even themselves, what that means to be introverted or what that means to be extroverted or it all comes back to knowledge, wisdom and understanding.01:36:42.850 --> 01:36:50.155


I saw this video on TikTok a while ago, but it's an amazing video of this couple where one is an extrovert and one is an introvert.01:36:50.256 --> 01:36:55.600


And she goes through a day in the life of their life with them both being a little different.01:36:55.961 --> 01:37:00.685


And she kind of catalogs deep conversations about our needs and being an introvert.01:37:00.765 --> 01:37:02.146


He needs time, quiet.01:37:02.226 --> 01:37:03.547


He likes to watch TV.01:37:03.908 --> 01:37:05.248


He likes to play the video games.01:37:05.329 --> 01:37:09.393


And she said, I really need closeness like my I like quality time.01:37:09.853 --> 01:37:20.462


And so what she learned through their relationship is sometimes he needs to just kind of veg out and like watch TV, but she'll sit on the other end of the couch and read a book.01:37:20.738 --> 01:37:26.542


So she's present in the room and he's getting his time without being bothered, but she still feels like she's in the room with him.01:37:27.123 --> 01:37:32.627


And that appeases what she needs while he's getting what he needs because she knows that that's his recharge time.01:37:32.929 --> 01:37:38.774


So they've learned how and she's like, okay, so this is the time where he needs to go ride his bike.01:37:38.913 --> 01:37:46.881


I'm not going to bother him, but when he comes back, he knows he needs to hug me when he comes in because I need that in order for me to feel safe.01:37:46.940 --> 01:37:49.582


And so they have this synergy between them.01:37:50.042 --> 01:37:53.940


If you don't have this kind of communication, your relationship is doomed.01:37:54.242 --> 01:37:54.644


Right.01:37:54.765 --> 01:37:55.427


From the jump.01:37:55.448 --> 01:37:55.569


Yeah.01:37:55.588 --> 01:37:57.278


I thought that was amazing.01:37:57.442 --> 01:37:58.342


Right.01:37:58.863 --> 01:38:02.265


Right.01:38:02.766 --> 01:38:05.168


Yeah.01:38:27.408 --> 01:38:28.469


without judgment.01:38:28.689 --> 01:38:43.345


But I think it's important to note that not every coach, not every therapist is the right fit for everybody and how traumatic of an experience it can be if they fumble the ball with somebody who's expressing their vulnerability for the first time.01:38:43.364 --> 01:38:51.533


So for those who are listening and thinking, maybe I do need help, maybe I do need support, what should they be looking for in a coach or a therapist?01:38:51.753 --> 01:38:55.938


What signs should let them know, hey, yes, this is someone I can grow with.01:38:56.359 --> 01:38:57.801


And on the flip side.01:38:57.983 --> 01:39:05.854


What are some red flags to watch for when seeking help in this space, especially when you're vulnerable and don't want to be re-traumatized?01:39:06.677 --> 01:39:06.979


Right.01:39:07.159 --> 01:39:14.328


So, One of the things that I hold true with my coaching is that I don't take on something that I'm not qualified to take on.01:39:14.868 --> 01:39:20.534


So a lot of times my clients end up going to therapy for the first time because I was the conduit to get them there, right?01:39:20.715 --> 01:39:21.015


Right.01:39:21.176 --> 01:39:23.118


Because I'm a safer entry point.01:39:23.158 --> 01:39:23.457


Yeah.01:39:23.518 --> 01:39:40.864


The reason why a lot of people trust me per se, and I can talk about other coaches too in a minute, but the reason why they connect with me is because of the way that I had to sit down in a lot of the emotional despair in those states that I've been into that were highly traumatic.01:39:41.206 --> 01:39:43.769


They don't see me as a coach up front.01:39:43.809 --> 01:39:51.078


They see me as one of them because they get to see me be vulnerable on a live that they didn't have to pay for.01:39:51.118 --> 01:39:58.149


And then they're like, oh my God, I think you're the best fit for me because I feel like you would understand what I'm going through.01:39:58.168 --> 01:39:58.668


That's important.01:39:58.689 --> 01:40:10.902


I'm very candid about not just going through things, but what it feels like to be in an emotional state And that is the connective tissue because a lot of times when people are in heightened emotions, they feel alone.01:40:10.921 --> 01:40:14.206


They don't think people understand what it feels like.01:40:14.487 --> 01:40:15.167


Not that it's happened.01:40:15.188 --> 01:40:16.949


Like you could say, I just broke up.01:40:17.090 --> 01:40:25.280


But when I talk about what it feels like to have those tears and that phone sitting next to you and you want to dial it and you don't know if you should call them or not and you know you need to knock it.01:40:25.341 --> 01:40:27.384


Like I talk about that intimately.01:40:27.444 --> 01:40:28.926


So they're like, he gets it.01:40:29.287 --> 01:40:39.046


And that's what makes a lot of people drawn to me because I kind of have what I call a street level knowledge of how to express the emotions versus the book knowledge, right?01:40:39.127 --> 01:40:41.289


Yeah, it makes you relatable.01:40:41.690 --> 01:40:45.015


I marriage the two, but I give it to them in language that they can digest.01:40:45.095 --> 01:40:48.600


And a lot of it comes from my empathetic place because I am an empath.01:40:48.739 --> 01:40:50.682


So I know what those emotions feel like.01:40:50.783 --> 01:40:53.286


And so a lot of people are drawn to me in that way.01:40:53.567 --> 01:40:55.869


And some of them will choose to get coaching through me.01:40:55.949 --> 01:41:00.997


But if I feel like there's so much stuff going on, then I'll say you need to go to therapy.01:41:01.077 --> 01:41:02.639


A lot of coaches won't do that.01:41:02.719 --> 01:41:07.371


They'll just take your money and keep trying to They'll go into areas that they don't need to go into.01:41:07.411 --> 01:41:18.492


So to answer the other part of your question, what you need to do when you are vetting a coach or a therapist, and you also first need to understand the difference between the two.01:41:18.733 --> 01:41:21.257


The coach is going to take you from where you are.01:41:21.278 --> 01:41:24.082


He's going to ask you about your goals and help you get to your goals.01:41:24.104 --> 01:41:27.390


The therapist looks backwards and kind of looks at a diagnosis differently.01:41:27.681 --> 01:41:28.342


where you've been.01:41:28.483 --> 01:41:28.842


Right.01:41:29.002 --> 01:41:36.229


Now, when I do teeters on both, but I don't dig too deep, like I don't deal with physical abuse or sexual.01:41:36.350 --> 01:41:39.792


OK, I don't do none of that because I'm not qualified to do any of that.01:41:39.913 --> 01:41:40.194


Right.01:41:40.213 --> 01:41:44.297


But I will give you indicators of where the childhood trauma may have started from.01:41:44.537 --> 01:41:45.078


OK.01:41:45.097 --> 01:41:46.500


And you can say, that's me.01:41:46.899 --> 01:41:47.501


OK, cool.01:41:47.560 --> 01:41:49.061


You have an anxious attachment style.01:41:49.101 --> 01:41:50.363


This is how we're going to move forward.01:41:50.804 --> 01:41:56.189


I don't do all of the diagnosing of everything that happened to you in your life because that's not my job.01:41:56.349 --> 01:41:56.689


Right.01:41:56.869 --> 01:42:03.036


So, When you're vetting a coach or a therapist, first, you need to know the difference and that will let you know where you need to land.01:42:03.195 --> 01:42:03.577


Yeah.01:42:03.596 --> 01:42:08.024


And then when you get there, then it's really about how you feel.01:42:08.045 --> 01:42:09.686


Is it comfortable?01:42:09.707 --> 01:42:12.072


Are they making you feel comfortable?01:42:12.112 --> 01:42:12.532


Yeah.01:42:12.592 --> 01:42:13.453


Do you feel judged?01:42:13.734 --> 01:42:13.954


Right.01:42:14.034 --> 01:42:15.677


Some people don't feel judged by everything.01:42:15.841 --> 01:42:20.185


coach or therapist and you have to look at that too is it them or is it me right01:42:20.405 --> 01:42:20.865


right01:42:20.886 --> 01:42:31.154


some of the red flags you want to look out for sometimes is someone that you think doesn't care doesn't get you not empathetic to your issues it feels like they're just trying to make you come to sessions01:42:31.234 --> 01:42:32.216


it's just a job01:42:32.355 --> 01:42:41.864


right the other thing is is that if you don't feel like you've grown yeah right you've been in therapy for five years and you're the same right something's not right yeah something's not right01:42:42.185 --> 01:42:46.710


and your therapist should have told you that yourself hey we don't seem to be making Right.01:42:47.171 --> 01:42:47.851


Yeah.01:42:48.654 --> 01:42:49.414


Yeah.01:43:03.234 --> 01:43:06.158


Some people just need someone to vent a nonjudgmental fear.01:43:06.179 --> 01:43:12.789


But if you're coming for growth, they need to be giving you things that's going to help you become different than what you are.01:43:12.810 --> 01:43:14.854


And you have to be mindful of that.01:43:14.913 --> 01:43:21.845


Like, if you know that you need to become something better and you need to work on some things, well, there's work involved.01:43:21.886 --> 01:43:29.881


There's habit change because your coach or your therapist helping you habit change or are they just there letting you dump stuff on them?01:43:29.943 --> 01:43:30.283


Right.01:43:30.342 --> 01:43:32.988


Because some people will feel better after they dump the stuff.01:43:33.047 --> 01:43:33.228


Right.01:43:33.247 --> 01:43:34.671


But that's not fixing the problem.01:43:35.011 --> 01:43:35.612


Not at all.01:43:35.631 --> 01:43:36.514


Not at all.01:43:36.814 --> 01:43:38.756


Because those problems are going to resurface.01:43:38.957 --> 01:43:39.278


Exactly.01:43:39.297 --> 01:43:43.444


You're still not, you know, you're going to be looking for somebody else to talk to about it again.01:43:43.465 --> 01:43:43.545


Yeah.01:43:44.025 --> 01:43:54.145


What I find in a lot of people who end up in my care is a lot of them have been in therapy since they were like, children and they're still in therapy.01:43:54.405 --> 01:44:02.569


And then they'll come to me and they'll say, I've only been with you for six months and not my whole entirety of my therapy.01:44:02.649 --> 01:44:03.951


I would have never gotten this.01:44:04.011 --> 01:44:04.492


Yeah.01:44:04.511 --> 01:44:05.412


They just sat there.01:44:05.552 --> 01:44:05.972


Right.01:44:06.092 --> 01:44:12.958


There's no metric by which you can say I've been in therapy for five years and I'm still like something's wrong.01:44:13.118 --> 01:44:13.520


Right.01:44:14.701 --> 01:44:14.940


Yeah.01:44:15.001 --> 01:44:21.265


So I don't I don't judge people's situations, but that's a long time for you to not have anything change.01:44:21.405 --> 01:44:21.707


Yeah.01:44:21.726 --> 01:44:27.631


And the therapist is just sitting there like, yeah, we're on the third year and just keep paying for the weekly session.01:44:27.692 --> 01:44:28.573


Oh, graduation.01:44:28.613 --> 01:44:32.216


That's the whole, the goal is for you to graduate, not for you to find a crutch.01:44:32.556 --> 01:44:34.819


That's why I always tell people, I don't want to be your crutch.01:44:34.859 --> 01:44:37.722


I want you to be able to take your birdie wings and fly on your own.01:44:37.743 --> 01:44:43.529


And if you need to come back to Papa and get some more food, cool, but I'm not going to, I'm going to teach you how to hunt.01:44:43.628 --> 01:44:45.131


I'm not going to feed you.01:44:45.150 --> 01:44:46.252


I'm going to teach you how to hunt.01:44:46.631 --> 01:44:48.394


How to go out there and feed yourself.01:44:48.453 --> 01:44:53.800


On the flip side of that, what about somebody who their first experience with therapy was horrible?01:44:53.840 --> 01:45:01.877


Like a person's first experience going to church and they showed up in Black on All White Sunday and now the people looking at them like they crazy.01:45:01.936 --> 01:45:08.438


What happens when they have a first time experience and it's awful and it turns them off from wanting to seek help?01:45:08.478 --> 01:45:09.400


What would you tell them?01:45:11.649 --> 01:45:15.475


Because it seems like it just reinforced their belief that nobody cares.01:45:15.515 --> 01:45:16.336


Nobody listens.01:45:16.376 --> 01:45:18.779


They're not safe to feel vulnerable with anyone.01:45:18.819 --> 01:45:22.542


Yeah, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, unfortunately, when you do that.01:45:22.643 --> 01:45:23.664


And it's difficult.01:45:23.765 --> 01:45:27.328


And this is why when I coach people, it's almost like a reboot.01:45:27.930 --> 01:45:30.292


You're going to have to unlearn some things.01:45:30.353 --> 01:45:36.079


And the only way to do that, like I said earlier in the conversation, is you have to detox and sit down and heal, right?01:45:36.359 --> 01:45:38.221


That whole moniker means a lot.01:45:38.703 --> 01:45:46.844


What I try to do is I try to, again, Even though there's a lot of emotion for me, it's very mathematical, right?01:45:46.925 --> 01:45:48.886


Like one plus one equals two.01:45:49.307 --> 01:45:57.096


If this recurring thing is happening and we want to change the behavior, we're going to have to find a different way to go about it, which means you have to attach yourself.01:45:57.136 --> 01:45:58.378


This is where the pain is.01:45:58.819 --> 01:46:05.408


I have to do something that goes outside of the scope of what I believe to be familiar or what I'm used to doing and running into.01:46:05.488 --> 01:46:09.773


And it's hard for me to change or you know, go outside and use the things that I've learned.01:46:09.913 --> 01:46:21.909


And that's why I pride myself on giving you foundational tools that may not be relevant to every situation, but the system works for every situation.01:46:22.170 --> 01:46:22.791


You follow me?01:46:23.231 --> 01:46:37.996


Like if you know how to manage yourself through one trigger with a set of tools that tells you how to work with any trigger, then you may not catch it the first time, but you've got tools to say, These are the steps.01:46:38.376 --> 01:46:38.475


Right.01:46:38.636 --> 01:46:42.882


You have now changed the trajectory of how you deal with anything you deal with.01:46:43.144 --> 01:46:47.890


And so that's why we're talking about with the whole coaching therapy and all of that kind of stuff.01:46:47.911 --> 01:46:50.675


If you don't have that, then you're in the wrong place.01:46:50.914 --> 01:46:51.216


Yeah.01:46:51.475 --> 01:46:54.560


If you as a therapist aren't graduating people, you're in the wrong profession.01:46:54.720 --> 01:46:55.061


No doubt.01:46:55.141 --> 01:46:56.182


And I know01:46:56.644 --> 01:46:59.207


they may hate me for saying that, but you're in the wrong profession.01:46:59.307 --> 01:47:00.248


It's the truth.01:47:00.350 --> 01:47:00.670


Yeah.01:47:00.865 --> 01:47:02.007


Look, it's the truth.01:47:02.028 --> 01:47:02.307


Some people01:47:02.347 --> 01:47:05.893


have chronic stuff that lasts, you know, they got to take medication and all that.01:47:05.972 --> 01:47:11.121


But the population at large should not be in your care for years and years on the same thing.01:47:11.261 --> 01:47:11.561


Right.01:47:11.742 --> 01:47:12.363


What you said.01:47:12.382 --> 01:47:12.462


Like01:47:12.502 --> 01:47:14.265


somebody broke up with their boyfriend.01:47:14.286 --> 01:47:17.911


They shouldn't be trying to figure out how to handle that two years later from you.01:47:18.110 --> 01:47:19.713


Not themselves, but paying you.01:47:20.234 --> 01:47:21.216


No, no.01:47:21.615 --> 01:47:22.417


But from you.01:47:22.578 --> 01:47:22.858


Right.01:47:22.938 --> 01:47:23.639


Paying you.01:47:24.079 --> 01:47:25.282


Paying you to help them.01:47:25.341 --> 01:47:26.023


And that's sad.01:47:26.082 --> 01:47:28.025


You can't even pay people to help you.01:47:28.257 --> 01:47:31.315


And oh my goodness, that's horrible.01:47:31.336 --> 01:47:36.899


I want to bring it to present day though, Derek, because finding love right now, It's not what it used to be.01:47:37.220 --> 01:47:46.226


I want to shift to what it actually looks like to date and seek real love right now, especially in a climate where division, competition and performative connection are the norm.01:47:46.547 --> 01:47:49.630


What's your take on modern dating, especially in the black community?01:47:49.770 --> 01:48:00.439


We've got social media podcasts, clickbait, gender wars, pick me culture, high value men, feminine energy, masculine women and a whole lot of confusion and division.01:48:00.699 --> 01:48:05.184


Black men are saying black women are too hard, too masculine, too independent.01:48:05.323 --> 01:48:05.423


Right.01:48:05.423 --> 01:48:05.864


Right.01:48:07.686 --> 01:48:12.493


Right.01:48:29.090 --> 01:48:30.131


So it's the latter.01:48:30.171 --> 01:48:32.234


We're projecting pain onto each other.01:48:32.274 --> 01:48:32.655


Right.01:48:32.855 --> 01:48:34.298


So it's projecting pain.01:48:34.319 --> 01:48:39.908


And it's also providing a solution for people who are dealing with pain to give you a villain to blame.01:48:40.009 --> 01:48:40.269


Right.01:48:40.509 --> 01:48:40.789


Right.01:48:41.090 --> 01:48:41.992


On both sides.01:48:42.112 --> 01:48:42.393


Right.01:48:42.573 --> 01:48:42.974


Yeah.01:48:43.413 --> 01:48:46.019


My answers to these questions that seem complex.01:48:46.139 --> 01:48:50.086


I'm really very simple with it because I'm the champion of human behavior.01:48:50.337 --> 01:48:55.125


When you take away the nuance, human behavior has not changed ever.01:48:55.426 --> 01:48:56.787


It has not changed, right?01:48:57.068 --> 01:48:58.289


It has not.01:48:58.690 --> 01:49:06.122


So when people say it's 2025 and dating is different now and I'm like, yes, different, but it's not so different, right?01:49:06.603 --> 01:49:13.072


Like you can say that we have online dating and podcasts and we have all of this, right?01:49:13.412 --> 01:49:13.613


Yeah.01:49:13.993 --> 01:49:18.935


You may be frustrated because it may be Mm-hmm.01:49:26.243 --> 01:49:29.167


Mm-hmm.01:49:47.042 --> 01:49:49.926


that is that thing that you don't like, don't date her.01:49:49.966 --> 01:49:51.007


Yeah,01:49:51.068 --> 01:49:51.788


simple, right?01:49:51.828 --> 01:49:52.048


Right.01:49:52.128 --> 01:49:54.813


So like you can say, oh, the women are so masculine.01:49:54.953 --> 01:50:01.363


I can find you a thousand women right now that just want you to be present and they don't even care about how much you make.01:50:01.403 --> 01:50:03.045


They just want somebody to keep them safe.01:50:03.546 --> 01:50:04.247


So stop it.01:50:04.386 --> 01:50:05.769


This is Internet jargon.01:50:05.810 --> 01:50:07.091


This doesn't happen outside.01:50:07.131 --> 01:50:07.872


Right.01:50:07.993 --> 01:50:09.033


But the narrative.01:50:09.173 --> 01:50:09.814


Most of these01:50:09.895 --> 01:50:21.453


men who are saying all of this rhetoric, if you put them outside, and you had them actually deal with a woman that wanted to be in a relationship, they wouldn't even say this stuff to her because they know they would lose her.01:50:21.774 --> 01:50:23.118


They're only doing it for the internet.01:50:23.179 --> 01:50:23.479


Right.01:50:23.500 --> 01:50:24.141


This doesn't work.01:50:24.202 --> 01:50:25.666


That stuff doesn't work outside.01:50:25.845 --> 01:50:26.186


Right.01:50:26.448 --> 01:50:26.609


Let01:50:26.649 --> 01:50:27.029


them know.01:50:27.050 --> 01:50:29.497


So when people say, oh, people are different.01:50:29.617 --> 01:50:29.797


No.01:50:30.145 --> 01:50:31.027


Pain is the same.01:50:31.466 --> 01:50:32.528


Emotions are the same.01:50:33.128 --> 01:50:34.650


People that want to just sleep with you.01:50:34.890 --> 01:50:36.051


Did that start in 2025?01:50:36.412 --> 01:50:36.453


No.01:50:37.793 --> 01:50:38.094


Liars.01:50:38.555 --> 01:50:39.475


Manipulators.01:50:39.895 --> 01:50:40.476


Is this new?01:50:40.556 --> 01:50:42.057


Same thing, right?01:50:42.219 --> 01:50:42.998


Exactly.01:50:43.019 --> 01:50:44.440


All of this is the same.01:50:44.520 --> 01:50:46.203


It doesn't matter where you find it.01:50:46.262 --> 01:50:46.863


It's there.01:50:47.264 --> 01:50:50.247


It's your job to have the discernment to recognize it.01:50:50.466 --> 01:50:51.068


Right.01:50:51.087 --> 01:50:51.528


Exactly.01:50:51.547 --> 01:50:52.368


All of that stuff.01:50:52.588 --> 01:50:56.793


If you go online dating versus meeting people outside online, does it?01:50:57.057 --> 01:50:57.880


Exactly.01:50:58.520 --> 01:51:03.109


Exactly.01:51:15.841 --> 01:51:18.246


Yeah, I don't let people run that past me.01:51:18.386 --> 01:51:21.150


They'd be like, everybody online, they just want to sleep with you.01:51:21.230 --> 01:51:22.212


I'm like, go outside.01:51:22.231 --> 01:51:24.997


I guarantee you won't find a bunch of men that want the same thing.01:51:25.658 --> 01:51:27.280


You just don't lay your head there.01:51:27.742 --> 01:51:29.224


Go to the gas station.01:51:29.423 --> 01:51:29.664


Yeah,01:51:29.704 --> 01:51:30.045


like you.01:51:30.064 --> 01:51:31.908


It's a silly argument, right?01:51:32.069 --> 01:51:32.488


It is.01:51:32.509 --> 01:51:33.170


It really is.01:51:33.189 --> 01:51:37.518


And I don't begrudge people, but it's a silly argument about I'd rather meet somebody outside.01:51:37.618 --> 01:51:38.720


And here's the kicker.01:51:38.779 --> 01:51:43.217


Here's the kicker about oh, dating is so hard and the dating pool has pee.01:51:43.478 --> 01:51:45.039


You know what happens in real life?01:51:45.260 --> 01:51:50.667


And I'm only going to talk about some instances and most of them are women, but I know men probably it's the same on both sides.01:51:50.728 --> 01:51:58.398


So what happens is, is that me, the analyst, the mathematician, I'm going to break you down and let you see where your weaknesses are.01:51:58.457 --> 01:52:01.220


So you come to me and you say the dating pool has pee in it.01:52:01.261 --> 01:52:05.886


Everybody I meet is trash and the dating pool sucks and dating is different.01:52:05.967 --> 01:52:07.770


And I just hate it.01:52:08.194 --> 01:52:11.679


And so I'll sit you down and I'll say, OK, let's go ahead and do some math.01:52:11.698 --> 01:52:11.899


Right.01:52:11.939 --> 01:52:15.444


How many dates you've been out on in the past three to four months?01:52:16.166 --> 01:52:16.386


Two.01:52:17.247 --> 01:52:17.608


Who, me?01:52:17.868 --> 01:52:18.248


Who's01:52:18.269 --> 01:52:19.449


dry around here, Mr.01:52:19.511 --> 01:52:19.810


D?01:52:19.831 --> 01:52:21.472


Like the person would say two, right?01:52:21.673 --> 01:52:21.913


Right.01:52:21.953 --> 01:52:22.895


Two, three, right?01:52:22.956 --> 01:52:24.917


In four months, they might have been on two or three dates.01:52:24.939 --> 01:52:25.760


Or zero,01:52:25.960 --> 01:52:26.220


right?01:52:26.480 --> 01:52:26.720


Right.01:52:26.801 --> 01:52:27.202


That's me.01:52:27.362 --> 01:52:28.404


I'm in the zero club.01:52:28.703 --> 01:52:30.046


So the dating pool...01:52:30.145 --> 01:52:32.890


is trash because of three people.01:52:33.291 --> 01:52:38.157


That statistic doesn't even bear fruit for your neighborhood, let alone the whole dating01:52:38.177 --> 01:52:38.398


thing.01:52:38.557 --> 01:52:38.818


Right,01:52:38.837 --> 01:52:38.939


right.01:52:39.019 --> 01:52:41.802


So statistically, it is false.01:52:42.583 --> 01:52:45.768


You don't have enough information or at bats to even do that.01:52:45.948 --> 01:52:46.328


Right.01:52:46.649 --> 01:52:49.993


So now here's the deeper math, because I go deep.01:52:50.154 --> 01:52:53.359


I'm going to pull out your weakness in literally five minutes.01:52:53.760 --> 01:52:57.167


So now I'm going to ask you, Where are you going to meet these people?01:52:57.347 --> 01:52:57.748


Exactly.01:52:57.889 --> 01:53:00.573


Most humans hunt in familiar areas.01:53:00.613 --> 01:53:02.414


They're going to go to the same Barbie Friday.01:53:02.494 --> 01:53:02.595


Right.01:53:02.614 --> 01:53:04.337


They're going to go to the same brunch with their girls.01:53:04.377 --> 01:53:04.677


Right.01:53:04.698 --> 01:53:07.502


They're going to be in a certain mile radius of their home.01:53:07.942 --> 01:53:08.082


Right.01:53:08.363 --> 01:53:08.622


Yeah.01:53:08.643 --> 01:53:13.649


So now in that 10 mile radius of your home, they have to be over six foot.01:53:13.729 --> 01:53:14.010


Right.01:53:14.029 --> 01:53:15.431


They have to have this kind of job.01:53:15.771 --> 01:53:18.300


They have to have, you know, love they mama.01:53:18.340 --> 01:53:20.042


They're going to have to be emotionally intelligent.01:53:20.162 --> 01:53:21.965


They're going to have to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.01:53:22.024 --> 01:53:22.605


Checking boxes.01:53:22.645 --> 01:53:22.805


Now in01:53:22.845 --> 01:53:27.653


that 10 mile radius, now your pool of potential candidates is really tiny.01:53:27.853 --> 01:53:28.154


Right.01:53:28.354 --> 01:53:28.573


Right.01:53:28.854 --> 01:53:30.516


Because they got to be the right skin tone.01:53:30.596 --> 01:53:31.257


Can't be too dark.01:53:31.318 --> 01:53:31.838


Can't be too light.01:53:31.979 --> 01:53:32.460


They got to be.01:53:32.680 --> 01:53:36.586


So now the people that you would potentially have is smaller.01:53:37.146 --> 01:53:39.869


And the bigger part is they have to like you back.01:53:39.911 --> 01:53:41.112


That part.01:53:41.192 --> 01:53:41.472


Right.01:53:41.613 --> 01:53:43.114


Wait, they have to be single.01:53:43.154 --> 01:53:43.335


Right.01:53:43.456 --> 01:53:44.117


And all of that.01:53:44.197 --> 01:53:44.436


Right.01:53:44.497 --> 01:53:50.662


So now your small window of people because you refuse to get outside of your comfort zone.01:53:50.703 --> 01:53:52.345


You're not going to do anything different.01:53:52.524 --> 01:54:02.154


So you go to the same places, nine times out of 10, you're probably going to get similar results because in small pockets of the country, people are socialized the same way.01:54:02.194 --> 01:54:03.775


They go to the same high school.01:54:03.996 --> 01:54:08.520


They might even dress similarly because they grew up in an area where fashion looked a certain way.01:54:08.841 --> 01:54:12.784


So you go to the same bar every week, you're probably going to meet a similar type of guy.01:54:13.005 --> 01:54:16.171


But now you say, The dating pool is trash.01:54:16.292 --> 01:54:16.591


Right.01:54:16.692 --> 01:54:20.395


When your redemption story might be 20 miles away from your house.01:54:20.435 --> 01:54:20.756


Right.01:54:20.775 --> 01:54:22.337


But that's too far to drive, right?01:54:22.417 --> 01:54:22.676


Yeah.01:54:22.697 --> 01:54:24.057


So now you're boxed in.01:54:24.319 --> 01:54:29.323


You can't come to me, Coach Derrick, and say, I can't find anybody because I'm going to call you a liar.01:54:30.064 --> 01:54:30.384


Well.01:54:30.703 --> 01:54:32.605


You haven't gone outside your comfort zone.01:54:32.805 --> 01:54:33.747


Most people don't.01:54:34.648 --> 01:54:34.887


That's01:54:35.028 --> 01:54:35.347


true.01:54:35.387 --> 01:54:37.329


If I say, hey, you like crochet.01:54:37.470 --> 01:54:41.634


You know there's a crochet convention that men and women go to and it's an hour away.01:54:41.673 --> 01:54:43.414


Nah, I ain't doing that.01:54:43.454 --> 01:54:44.336


Well, then you ain't trying.01:54:44.336 --> 01:54:44.997


to be met.01:54:45.037 --> 01:54:49.869


You're not trying to put yourself in places where the people that you say you want congregate.01:54:50.572 --> 01:54:57.497


Most people, when you peel back all of it, You're going to find someone that hasn't dated much.01:54:57.778 --> 01:55:03.104


And you're going to find somebody that's in a comfort zone that will not yield the results.01:55:03.144 --> 01:55:05.846


So they then fulfill their own prophecy.01:55:05.948 --> 01:55:11.994


Because if you think everyone is trash, when you meet someone, you're going to assume that there's something wrong.01:55:12.274 --> 01:55:15.618


And when you pick out that one little thing, you're going to be like, see, I was right.01:55:16.860 --> 01:55:19.783


And then you go back and go on the internet and be like, yep.01:55:20.145 --> 01:55:23.787


And then I'll be like, You don't get to come up here and talk about how everybody's trash.01:55:23.807 --> 01:55:24.309


You know why?01:55:24.349 --> 01:55:25.649


Because you're in a dating pool, too.01:55:25.729 --> 01:55:25.930


Are you01:55:26.069 --> 01:55:26.511


trash?01:55:27.430 --> 01:55:31.435


And let's not talk about the people that don't even need to be there because they got stuff to work on.01:55:31.774 --> 01:55:32.536


You are the P2.01:55:32.595 --> 01:55:35.918


You're going to pick a whole narcissist and be like, I didn't know.01:55:36.118 --> 01:55:36.639


Yes, you did.01:55:36.719 --> 01:55:37.579


Because you did too much.01:55:37.619 --> 01:55:38.360


You already know.01:55:38.400 --> 01:55:40.243


These signs don't show up two years later.01:55:40.283 --> 01:55:41.082


Don't lie.01:55:41.203 --> 01:55:41.904


We know.01:55:41.923 --> 01:55:42.944


We know.01:55:42.965 --> 01:56:00.302


We just rationalize and accept and compromise for whatever reason in order to stay or to pick or to choose or to be with that person until those things happen, manifest in the relationship and now you're like, Well, where did this come from?01:56:00.403 --> 01:56:06.229


Yeah, there's no way that you could tell me that you've been with 10 narcissists in a row and they all hurt you the same way.01:56:06.349 --> 01:56:06.689


Right.01:56:06.708 --> 01:56:07.288


We had a problem.01:56:07.309 --> 01:56:08.730


Let's talk about why you're choosing.01:56:08.751 --> 01:56:08.791


We01:56:09.230 --> 01:56:09.872


got a problem.01:56:09.912 --> 01:56:11.872


We got a problem and it's not the narcissist.01:56:11.893 --> 01:56:12.113


When people01:56:12.134 --> 01:56:17.578


say the dating pool is trash, it's a trauma response because that's an indictment on everyone.01:56:17.637 --> 01:56:17.859


Yeah.01:56:18.238 --> 01:56:18.399


Right.01:56:18.519 --> 01:56:19.699


It's an absolute statement.01:56:19.840 --> 01:56:21.020


People don't look at it this way.01:56:21.041 --> 01:56:24.064


It's an absolute statement because of your anecdotal experiences.01:56:24.363 --> 01:56:24.604


Right.01:56:24.685 --> 01:56:29.368


You have not met everyone in the world of the other gender, so you can't make That statement.01:56:29.429 --> 01:56:29.750


Yeah.01:56:29.970 --> 01:56:30.210


Group.01:56:30.470 --> 01:56:30.671


You can01:56:30.730 --> 01:56:31.813


say it's tough.01:56:31.893 --> 01:56:32.012


Yeah.01:56:32.033 --> 01:56:34.497


You can say it's taken too long for me to find my husband.01:56:34.557 --> 01:56:35.179


Cool.01:56:35.198 --> 01:56:36.020


I give you that.01:56:36.159 --> 01:56:39.805


But to say everyone is trash and all men, all they want is one thing.01:56:39.865 --> 01:56:48.159


I'm like, you haven't met all men because I can show you examples of some amazing dads, some amazing husbands that will walk through fire for their wives.01:56:48.220 --> 01:56:48.841


They exist.01:56:49.381 --> 01:56:55.096


You're not beating them because you hanging around with Tyrone, who ain't doing nothing for you.01:56:55.216 --> 01:56:58.259


Or you're like Mamba, who ain't out in the streets.01:56:58.439 --> 01:57:02.103


So people be like, well, how can you expect to find a man if you can't be found?01:57:02.243 --> 01:57:02.462


Yeah.01:57:02.523 --> 01:57:03.703


They can't find you.01:57:03.724 --> 01:57:03.844


That's01:57:03.884 --> 01:57:05.425


most of my clients.01:57:05.444 --> 01:57:07.027


Most of my clients don't go outside.01:57:07.067 --> 01:57:07.207


They01:57:07.226 --> 01:57:08.207


cannot find you.01:57:08.307 --> 01:57:08.427


And01:57:08.507 --> 01:57:09.288


I'm like,01:57:09.309 --> 01:57:09.429


okay.01:57:09.448 --> 01:57:11.530


Right, we got this bad thing about outside.01:57:11.610 --> 01:57:13.533


And I understand it's hostile out there now.01:57:13.552 --> 01:57:14.472


You know what I'm saying?01:57:14.493 --> 01:57:14.673


Yeah.01:57:14.953 --> 01:57:16.354


And so much plays a part of that.01:57:16.414 --> 01:57:19.318


But like you said, there are good people out there.01:57:19.377 --> 01:57:19.597


Yeah.01:57:19.658 --> 01:57:27.826


To assume that every man is bad or every woman is, you know, hot girl, just down for the hot girl summer.01:57:27.865 --> 01:57:28.206


Yeah.01:57:28.306 --> 01:57:31.510


I run into men all the time that are like, I'm just trying to find my wife.01:57:31.630 --> 01:57:32.251


Like, I don't know.01:57:32.451 --> 01:57:33.932


And then you have women I'm trying to find.01:57:33.953 --> 01:57:35.113


I'm like, how come they don't meet?01:57:35.194 --> 01:57:37.176


It's because they spending time trauma bonding.01:57:37.216 --> 01:57:37.475


Yeah.01:57:37.515 --> 01:57:40.699


You'll never meet if you hanging out in places that are toxic to you.01:57:40.819 --> 01:57:41.079


Right.01:57:41.319 --> 01:57:44.243


Or you isolate because you're afraid to get hurt again.01:57:44.283 --> 01:57:47.527


You won't find that person that's ready for you either.01:57:47.646 --> 01:57:55.015


So you're going to confirm your bias in either one of those two situations and you will be subconsciously believe it to be true.01:57:55.837 --> 01:57:58.199


Like, how can you isolate from the world, right?01:57:58.479 --> 01:58:01.323


And then say there's no men out there qualified to be my husband.01:58:01.363 --> 01:58:01.704


Right.01:58:01.744 --> 01:58:03.927


Eight billion people in the world, Mr.01:58:03.967 --> 01:58:04.328


Derrick.01:58:04.368 --> 01:58:09.354


There are over eight billion people in the world according to, what, 22 census?01:58:09.614 --> 01:58:09.795


Yeah.01:58:09.975 --> 01:58:10.957


That's a lot of people.01:58:11.056 --> 01:58:14.681


And there's a huge population of men that ain't even...01:58:15.362 --> 01:58:44.396


in these streets like that they're lonely they want somebody to appreciate them that's more population of men than the ones you call dogs like we're talking like 50 60 percentile of men that don't have kids right they're not married and they may be awkward right right they may not necessarily have the swag you like they're going to get ignored but they're amazing people they're amazing doesn't mean they're repulsive to look at or anything they just may not have that whatever it is you think.01:58:44.476 --> 01:58:45.779


He may not be six foot.01:58:45.819 --> 01:58:46.621


He may be 5'10".01:58:46.860 --> 01:58:48.043


Oh, he's excluded.01:58:48.363 --> 01:58:49.606


And I'm like, you're 5'2".01:58:50.448 --> 01:58:52.391


You're 5'2", and you're excluding a 5'10".01:58:52.893 --> 01:58:53.354


Stop it.01:58:54.355 --> 01:58:57.521


You're going to be looking for a long time.01:58:57.793 --> 01:59:03.844


Last question I want to ask you, because there are so many, but I want to wrap this up and I definitely want to have you come back.01:59:04.024 --> 01:59:11.595


When you look at the state of Black love right now, what we've lost, what we've survived, what we've become, what do you really feel?01:59:11.615 --> 01:59:19.167


Not what sounds good, not what people want to hear, but from your gut, Derek, from your spirit, do you still believe in Black love?01:59:19.228 --> 01:59:20.069


And if you do...01:59:20.481 --> 01:59:24.726


What's it going to take to save it, to rebuild it, to protect it?01:59:24.828 --> 01:59:28.972


Because right now it feels like we're watching something sacred slip through our hands.01:59:29.353 --> 01:59:33.078


So tell me, what do we need to do to keep Black love alive?01:59:33.418 --> 01:59:41.588


So I think the realistic answer is, is that, of course, I believe in it because I became a coach that tries to help people create it in their lives.01:59:41.810 --> 01:59:44.963


But I don't like a lot of the things I see.01:59:45.305 --> 01:59:47.867


It gets exacerbated because we have social media.01:59:47.886 --> 01:59:51.390


So there's a lot of attempts to destroy it even further.01:59:51.430 --> 01:59:53.072


I believe in it.01:59:53.653 --> 01:59:59.597


I believe in Black love, but I don't believe that it will take form in the way that we would want it to.02:00:00.259 --> 02:00:04.143


As a full-blown community of people, we've lost that.02:00:04.162 --> 02:00:05.743


I don't think that will ever come back.02:00:06.704 --> 02:00:15.288


As a whole, I think that we can get a lot of people to reinvent how they approach relationships, i.e.02:00:15.349 --> 02:00:16.430


working on themselves.02:00:16.850 --> 02:00:22.476


You see pockets of organizations and people that are championing therapy and black love.02:00:22.577 --> 02:00:26.481


And so there's people out there in the fight, right, to try to get it better.02:00:26.761 --> 02:00:29.966


Couples organizations where they help couples communicate better.02:00:30.365 --> 02:00:31.247


So they're out there.02:00:31.287 --> 02:00:31.627


Right.02:00:31.688 --> 02:00:36.332


But they're not they're not trending on social media, but they exist on the ground.02:00:36.733 --> 02:00:38.435


So it's happening in areas.02:00:38.635 --> 02:00:45.867


The unfortunate thing is that we are very susceptible to being molded by what social media says is right or wrong.02:00:45.886 --> 02:00:52.033


And if I'm a broken person, man or woman, and I'm looking for a scapegoat, just go on one of these lives on TikTok.02:00:52.514 --> 02:00:55.917


You're going to find a crew for you to trauma bond with over your pain.02:00:56.238 --> 02:00:57.679


And then that becomes your tribe.02:00:57.738 --> 02:01:02.264


So I think a lot of those people won't be saved, if you will.02:01:02.304 --> 02:01:06.229


They're going to live in that misery because they need something to bite.02:01:06.708 --> 02:01:14.559


But I think that If you really expand your lens, you'll see organizations of men saying we want to help our brothers.02:01:14.639 --> 02:01:18.005


You're going to see organizations of women saying we want to help our sisters.02:01:18.045 --> 02:01:25.418


You're going to see organizations that say we want to try to create opportunities for black people to get together.02:01:25.458 --> 02:01:27.261


Is it going to be easy?02:01:27.301 --> 02:01:31.550


No, because we got a lot of confusion going on out here with the world changing.02:01:31.778 --> 02:01:33.461


plus how we are with each other.02:01:33.541 --> 02:01:35.564


Like I said, we're in a period of correction.02:01:35.884 --> 02:01:41.974


I don't know what that looks like on the other side, but I know that there are a lot of people who really are not willing to give up.02:01:42.413 --> 02:01:50.587


So if that means the Black love that you're talking about exists in 30%, 40% of the Black culture, but it's not the whole thing.02:01:50.926 --> 02:01:52.890


In today's climate, that's a win to me.02:01:52.949 --> 02:01:53.171


Yeah,02:01:53.350 --> 02:01:53.952


definitely.02:01:54.832 --> 02:02:18.238


I appreciate all those that are listening that are a part of those pockets that are out there trying to Make change in whatever shape, form or fashion that they're doing that to not just have these pockets out there, but have a collective community, whether it's a virtual village where people know that you can come here and there's a collective community.02:02:18.369 --> 02:02:19.131


Cause it's hard.02:02:19.150 --> 02:02:24.417


If you don't know where to go, we have all these pockets, like look at our platforms on social media.02:02:24.457 --> 02:02:25.398


That's a prime example.02:02:25.457 --> 02:02:29.983


We have people just focused on engagement more so than the actual connection.02:02:30.422 --> 02:02:39.912


So when I'm talking about pockets and you're talking about pockets, when we go and we interact with people and with each other, I get to plug you.02:02:40.213 --> 02:02:42.435


I get to plug you and send you somewhere.02:02:42.615 --> 02:02:45.386


I know that you can go, but We need to know.02:02:45.407 --> 02:03:02.841


We need to be aware of platforms like yours that are out here doing these things so that people know that they're not out here alone, that there's help, that there's resources, that there are people out here with guidebooks, survival guides that's trying to help you reach the next stage that you need to go.02:03:02.862 --> 02:03:06.045


So you don't have to keep going, living through life the way that you're living.02:03:06.104 --> 02:03:07.305


It's already tough enough.02:03:07.565 --> 02:03:11.328


So when you add on that mental aspect of it, it becomes too much.02:03:11.389 --> 02:03:13.411


We definitely need to be a collective.02:03:13.631 --> 02:03:22.002


We definitely need to start sharing these pockets that are out there so that we can make and tailor a suit so that we're not just out here with individual pieces.02:03:22.203 --> 02:03:24.005


We need to be a collective.02:03:24.286 --> 02:03:25.828


And that's what I see that's missing.02:03:26.087 --> 02:03:26.368


Yeah.02:03:26.448 --> 02:03:35.521


You know, to piggyback on that real quick, it's not really that people are like, you know, about black love and how it's kind of stained or tarnished or whatever.02:03:35.582 --> 02:03:38.666


And we talk about what I just talked about is the pockets.02:03:38.725 --> 02:03:44.234


The larger thing is not that the pockets don't exist or that there aren't spaces for people to go.02:03:44.770 --> 02:03:49.314


it's something that's larger in the Black community is collaboration, right?02:03:49.376 --> 02:03:49.636


Yes.02:03:49.935 --> 02:03:50.417


If you take02:03:50.497 --> 02:04:00.668


five pockets and they unify into a bigger thing, now we have something that people can really look at, but then that requires us to be able to work together and not be so individual02:04:00.828 --> 02:04:01.210


focused.02:04:01.270 --> 02:04:02.430


Competitive,02:04:02.631 --> 02:04:03.032


too.02:04:03.332 --> 02:04:07.096


That is another thing that hurts this movement.02:04:07.337 --> 02:04:09.939


No matter how small or big it is, it hurts the movement.02:04:10.240 --> 02:04:18.671


When we have Coach Derek and you have five other coaches that work on healing, but we want to compete and not join forces and create something bigger.02:04:18.690 --> 02:04:20.974


And become rivals instead of working together.02:04:21.014 --> 02:04:25.939


Why can't Coach Derek and Coach Jason and Daquan and whoever else out there come together?02:04:25.960 --> 02:04:26.962


Why can't we panel?02:04:27.002 --> 02:04:27.521


Why can't?02:04:27.783 --> 02:04:28.524


That is important.02:04:28.724 --> 02:04:30.966


Collaboration, community.02:04:31.006 --> 02:04:31.807


Derek,02:04:32.828 --> 02:04:36.634


this has been one of those conversations that hit different.02:04:36.930 --> 02:04:39.916


I felt it, and I know that the people listening felt it too.02:04:40.377 --> 02:04:45.766


I thank you so much for your time and energy today, your mission, your platform.02:04:45.806 --> 02:04:48.131


Your voice, Derek, is powerful.02:04:48.150 --> 02:04:51.837


I have so many questions to ask, but we'd be here all day.02:04:51.877 --> 02:04:57.850


Before we close out, I want to give you space to what I call play it forward.02:04:58.210 --> 02:05:03.498


No questions, no structure, just room to say whatever's still sitting in your chest.02:05:03.738 --> 02:05:06.063


Because I know you didn't just come here to talk.02:05:06.203 --> 02:05:08.426


You came here to leave us with something.02:05:08.447 --> 02:05:11.412


And I don't want this to end without giving you that chance.02:05:11.712 --> 02:05:24.154


So this is your moment to help sharpen iron and speak directly to the next brother who's listening, to the sister who's tired but still holding on, to the ones who want to love but are scared to reach for it.02:05:24.481 --> 02:05:28.926


to the ones who are healing, breaking, building and showing up anyway?02:05:29.287 --> 02:05:32.190


What do you want them to carry from this conversation?02:05:32.211 --> 02:05:32.291


So I02:05:34.094 --> 02:05:45.287


would say that no matter your gender, no matter your station in life, one thing that you will always be able to control is yourself.02:05:45.847 --> 02:05:59.806


No matter the environment, no matter the circumstance, no matter the pain, we have to get back to honoring, who we are, understanding who we are, and being unapologetic about who we are.02:05:59.827 --> 02:06:19.086


No matter what the external forces may say, when you move in your unapologetic truth, in your authentic self, the people who should be in your sphere of influence belong there because you are fundamentally changed.02:06:19.586 --> 02:06:32.994


So when you attach yourself to people who align with the authentic version of yourself, then not only do you connect with better crops of people, you start to feel better about yourself.02:06:33.576 --> 02:06:43.505


This then lends itself into how you end up in a relationship in who you choose because you are not pretending to be someone that people like.02:06:44.166 --> 02:06:52.793


You are authentically being yourself and the people that you end up like or liking you are attached to the real you and not the one that you have created.02:06:53.025 --> 02:06:54.006


that is palatable.02:06:54.528 --> 02:07:12.009


So the overarching sentiment that I would say is always believe in you, chase the why of the behaviors that you do not like in your life, the spaces that you land in that are uncomfortable, the friendships that you have that are not serving you.02:07:12.789 --> 02:07:16.975


Identify those things and then try to take steps and try to understand it.02:07:17.536 --> 02:07:19.498


Understanding and acknowledging is first.02:07:20.158 --> 02:07:26.734


Then the correction, the adjustments, That's difficult because a lot of us don't have the tools and that's where you search for the help.02:07:27.216 --> 02:07:28.837


But the identification is huge.02:07:29.738 --> 02:07:34.784


You have to understand that the life you have, the way you feel is not what you want.02:07:35.445 --> 02:07:36.827


And most of us already know this.02:07:37.228 --> 02:07:41.193


When I talk on my show, I tell people, I don't have to convince you that you need to heal.02:07:41.252 --> 02:07:41.953


You already know that.02:07:42.253 --> 02:07:43.815


I'm just here when you're ready for the help.02:07:43.895 --> 02:07:45.457


I'm here, but you already know you need it.02:07:45.518 --> 02:07:46.599


You've known it all your life.02:07:47.340 --> 02:07:56.386


If you don't like the outcome, you have to embody the most positive, realistic version of yourself and live life abundantly through that lens.02:07:59.389 --> 02:08:01.492


If that ain't a word, I don't know what is.02:08:01.532 --> 02:08:06.537


Sometimes a word lands and all you can do is let it breathe.02:08:06.637 --> 02:08:08.158


So I'm going to honor that.02:08:08.198 --> 02:08:09.119


Sit with it.02:08:09.140 --> 02:08:12.024


And I hope everyone listening does the same.02:08:12.064 --> 02:08:18.502


Before we wrap it up, I want to make sure that people know how to stay connected to you, Derek, because So...02:08:39.170 --> 02:08:45.779


The big umbrella of how to find me is through my website and it's www.sitdownandheal.com.02:08:46.560 --> 02:08:50.786


Through that website, you will be able to see the entirety of everything that I offer.02:08:51.567 --> 02:08:54.010


If there's a cost associated with it, there's a cost there.02:08:54.631 --> 02:08:59.697


And for your convenience, 99% of the stuff I have, you can break into two monthly payments.02:08:59.757 --> 02:09:01.399


So it's not so much of a burden.02:09:02.301 --> 02:09:09.845


All the workshops are hosted there, which I told earlier in the show, They're so intuitive that you don't even have to do a one-on-one with me.02:09:10.025 --> 02:09:12.087


If you know you need to heal, there's a healing section.02:09:12.148 --> 02:09:15.430


If you know you need to work on dating and relationship, there's a section for that.02:09:15.451 --> 02:09:22.137


If you're already a couple and you need work on communication, so wherever you need to dig in, it's already there.02:09:22.278 --> 02:09:26.523


If you already know you need to work on breaking up from a relationship, there's a workshop for that.02:09:26.983 --> 02:09:29.265


You don't even need to communicate with me to go get it.02:09:29.426 --> 02:09:30.667


It's going to be laid out for you.02:09:30.747 --> 02:09:35.264


And if you need to see how I operate, There's TikTok.02:09:35.444 --> 02:09:38.208


I go live on TikTok almost daily, almost.02:09:38.668 --> 02:09:41.713


So you can get to see a tone of how I operate and do things.02:09:41.793 --> 02:09:42.935


I have a YouTube channel.02:09:42.996 --> 02:09:46.702


Sit down in here on all platforms, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube.02:09:46.721 --> 02:09:48.585


You can go through and look at my work.02:09:48.945 --> 02:09:50.868


A lot of it feels workshop-ish.02:09:51.449 --> 02:09:54.293


So you will get a sentiment of how I do things.02:09:54.395 --> 02:09:58.280


And then once you get comfortable with me there, then you go back to the website.02:09:58.661 --> 02:10:01.426


And either A, you can communicate with me through the website.02:10:01.921 --> 02:10:08.850


There's also a form that you can fill out depending on where you want to go on there that you can inquire and say, hey, this is where I'm at.02:10:09.171 --> 02:10:10.271


Tell me what I need to get.02:10:10.351 --> 02:10:11.372


So that's there as well.02:10:11.713 --> 02:10:14.317


So all means of communication funnel through that website.02:10:14.356 --> 02:10:17.360


But I go live on YouTube every Tuesday at 730 p.m.02:10:17.501 --> 02:10:17.921


Eastern.02:10:18.202 --> 02:10:23.188


I sit down here with Coach Derek and then I do pop ups on TikTok quite frequently.02:10:23.787 --> 02:10:25.890


So there's always ways to find me.02:10:25.930 --> 02:10:36.520


And when I tell people at the end of every show, hopefully if you engage me on any platform, And you keep doing it, eventually you'll be inspired to sit down and heal.02:10:36.940 --> 02:10:37.641


Yes, you will.02:10:37.681 --> 02:10:40.725


If you didn't catch that, don't worry.02:10:40.746 --> 02:10:46.493


All of Coach Derek's information and direct links will be available in the show notes.02:10:47.175 --> 02:10:49.497


Be sure to give this king your support.02:10:49.519 --> 02:10:54.265


He is a gem and is doing the hard work to help people heal.02:10:54.746 --> 02:10:57.489


So go check out his platform and share it with the world.02:10:57.985 --> 02:10:58.426


Mr.02:10:58.485 --> 02:11:10.158


Derek, my brother, thank you, not just for what you've said today, but for how you said it, for how you showed up, for being honest, grounded, and willing to go there with me.02:11:10.198 --> 02:11:12.380


You didn't come here with a script.02:11:12.701 --> 02:11:15.243


You came with your truth, and that matters.02:11:15.283 --> 02:11:19.847


You gave voice to a lot of things people don't know how to say out loud yet.02:11:20.427 --> 02:11:25.833


And whether they agree, feel called out, or feel seen, you made us feel something.02:11:26.274 --> 02:11:29.117


And that's what real conversations are supposed to do.02:11:29.136 --> 02:11:32.520


I hope you are willing to come back and do this again with me.02:11:32.801 --> 02:11:33.101


Thank02:11:33.362 --> 02:11:34.743


you so much.02:11:34.764 --> 02:11:35.224


Absolutely.02:11:35.404 --> 02:11:35.744


Anytime.02:11:36.204 --> 02:11:36.706


Just let me know.02:11:36.966 --> 02:11:37.546


I will.02:11:37.667 --> 02:11:38.608


Thank you, King.02:11:38.627 --> 02:11:42.472


I pray your day is nothing less than pleasant and is productive.02:11:42.953 --> 02:11:43.413


Same to you.02:11:43.814 --> 02:11:44.154


Peace.02:11:55.329 --> 02:11:57.112


Well, hello again.02:11:57.152 --> 02:12:06.439


I see we made it to the other side and I thank you so much for tuning in for this wonderful conversation with Coach Derrick.02:12:06.899 --> 02:12:14.185


To my guest, Derrick Jones, thank you for blessing us with his heart, his wisdom, and his truth.02:12:15.207 --> 02:12:54.567


If today's conversation touched you, moved you, or made you think, take a moment to follow, like, and subscribe not only to I invite you to not just listen, but to sit down, reflect, and begin your own healing journey too.02:12:54.606 --> 02:13:01.614


If you I just might be turning it into bonus content soon.02:13:02.275 --> 02:13:04.997


Your continued support means everything.02:13:05.479 --> 02:13:09.984


Cities and countries all over the world are tuning in all of the time.02:13:10.423 --> 02:13:15.489


And that means our voices, our truths, are traveling the world.02:13:16.029 --> 02:13:22.537


If you feel called to share your own story and be a guest this season, you can fill out the application on my website.02:13:23.078 --> 02:13:25.199


All the links you need are right there in the show notes.02:13:25.199 --> 02:13:31.354


And before we jump out of this rabbit hole, I want to leave you with a reminder.02:13:32.076 --> 02:13:35.002


Love is leading the charge of Kings and Chain.02:13:35.483 --> 02:13:41.676


It was only right that we started this season rooted in love because love is what will heal us.02:13:42.082 --> 02:13:44.065


Love is what will bring us back together.02:13:44.086 --> 02:13:48.976


And my prayer is that we all learn how to love each other again.02:13:49.939 --> 02:13:50.460


Be good.02:13:50.500 --> 02:13:51.483


Be safe.02:13:52.203 --> 02:13:52.966


Stay healthy.02:13:53.527 --> 02:13:54.368


And drink your water.02:13:54.408 --> 02:13:55.992


Water is life.02:13:56.894 --> 02:13:57.314


Peace.